3 months ago
March 31, 2010
Writes..."Hidden In A Drawer, Under A Stack Of Papers, Was An Envelope Marked For Her"
"when i died there hadn't been anyone to hold my hand as i passed on. no kiss to my forehead, no tears shed for me at my deathbed. i died as i had lived, alone and unremarkably. there was no hidden note to find declaring my feelings for a secret love. something that would be discovered and given to her so she could read my words and know how i'd felt about her. and she'd break down, realizing that she'd felt the same way about me. but i'd run out of time. i'd never gotten around to writing that note. i guess i figured there would always be an opportunity for me to put everything i wanted to tell her, everything i needed her to know about what i wanted for us, down on paper. that i wanted a life together, that i wanted her to be mine. but the truth is my death was just the finality of our situation. i mean, there had been no note to find because the feelings we had for one another weren't a secret. there was nothing to write that would have changed anything between us. i had known that she loved me and she'd known that i loved her and we'd had a shot at happiness for ourselves before and tragically let it slip away from us. and though we both moved on to other people and other things, i couldn't let the love i had for her go as easily as i'd let go of our relationship. can you really lose the love you have for that someone you feel destined for? can you really lose your heart? i don't think that's possible. but now i'm dead and it's too late for us and what we should have been. all because we'd wasted time trying to find the joy we had with one another elsewhere. my love for her is forever though my time here was finite. and without her, i'd died alone and unremarkably."
March 28, 2010
Writes..."The Wedding"
"as i stand next to her i realize her face is glowing. and that her smile is luminous. she's radiant, the light coming off of her is literally blinding me but i can't turn away from her. i mean i've seen her happy before, hundreds of times over things i considered nothings at the time. waking up next to her, a lazy sunday and wii with the kids, the infamous "booty dance". simple, seemingly nothing things that made her fall in love with me. but there's something different about her today. today i have no words for her beauty, poets greater than myself would fumble for words to describe it. homer wrote that helen had the face that launched a 1,000 ships in "the iliad". well i know the face before me launched at least one boat and i am truly blessed to be its captain. i place her hand in my own and vow to love her with everything that i am, giving everything of myself to her. that even my last breath on this earth would be a declaration of my love for her. and if it were possible to love her in death i would, that what we have together transcends our physical beings. that what we share is a spiritual connection. emily bronte said, "whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." and i echo those sentiments, hers and mine are the same. this thing between us is forever. i place the ring on her finger and she cries and i cry and we continue crying while attempting to wipe away each other's tears. and before the minister can say, "i now pronounce you...", i move closer to her and kiss her the first kiss of our lives together as one. then i wake up. because it seems my hell is finding myself in the wedding we never had. there had been a time when we wanted nothing more for ourselves. a time when i introduced her to people as my wife and she called me her husband. a time when nothing seemed more right. yet it didn't happen and now i'm forced to dream the dream, a life sentence not for crimes of passion but for crimes against it."
March 27, 2010
Another Favorite Poet...Nicole Chavers
"my friend cole...i've known nicole since junior high. she's a talented writer. and she's the reason i started blogging. so if you see anything on here that moves you, she's why you just read it here. thank her. then check out her work @ http://lovenrandomness.wordpress.com."
Writes..."Why I Left Sinsinattie"
"i pretty much spent the entire month of december trying to get my affairs in order. due to all the stuff that had been going on at work and the fact that i'd gotten an opportunity to come home and actually spend a holiday with my family, i felt my time in the "queen city" was done. i'd been there eight years and had accomplished things that i'd only imagined possible for myself. i'd made friends, been in love, maybe even achieved my own spot in adulthood, things that i been real slow about doing in akron. but most importantly, i lived. and through my experiences i became a better man than i was before i came to cincinnati. so i don't regret the time i spent there. at all.
one thing i do regret though is that during my last month there when people asked me why i was leaving sometimes i would tell them because i didn't have any reason to stay. i mean there were people who cared about me and that kinda does seem like a slap in the face, a big extended middle finger. i mean, like i said, in eight years i had developed relationships with people, and whether it was an extremely strong friendship or just someone i spoke to occasionally, i can say that unlike when i was in akron, every person in my life was someone i'd personally put there. every relationship was based on me and that person. i can't tell you how many of the people i was cool with in akron because i knew somebody who knew somebody. i've never really been a people person. so most of my friends were basically relationships by association. but in cincinnati i tried to be better. i had no associations of my own there and knew i'd have to make my own friends if i was gonna have any. and i did that. i made lasting friendships and i'm proud of myself for it. so i really shouldn't have said i didn't have any reason to stay. i could've stayed just to be close to the people i care about. then i'd tell others that i was leaving because i wanted to be closer to my family. and there's truth to that, i mean the only reason i even came to cincinnati in the first place was because my mother was there and i needed to be close to her at the time. but honestly, i see her now just barely more now than i would if we were still in two different cities, though i'll take the blame for it. i see my sister about the same and my brother even less. so technically, we are closer in distance but really only in distance. and i could've stayed where i was and achieved the same result. so why did i leave cincinnati? because even though it was inaccurate to say i didn't have any reason to stay, the truth is i didn't have any woman to stay for. i mean if i had been in a relationship i wouldn't have even considered coming back home. i love my family but i wouldn't have left what i had in cincinnati just to kill a three and a half hour trip up i-71. i just felt like because i didn't have anyone special in my life that i knew wanted me to stay, there weren't enough reasons to stay in a foreign city by myself.
why did i leave sinsinattie? that's a good question but i think a better question is how do two people go from being happy and consumed by love for one another to not talking to each other in literally no time at all. i don't know. i've spent years trying to figure that out. there were things we were both going through, things that we didn't want to have the other person to help us to shoulder. i know that we can both rationalize our drifting away to not wanting to expose each other to certain aspects in our lives but we were in love and kinda missing the point of it. love means giving everything of yourself to another person, the good and the bad, and in wanting to spare each other the bad we failed each other. she told me i should have fought for her, that i should have fought for our love and the proud part of me wanted to take her words as her putting the blame on me for what happened between us but the reality is she's right. i loved her and i know that us not being together was a pain worse than anything i would have experienced because of her. from my perspective, i should have done anything i could have done, exhausted every option, to let her know that she was my heart and that i never really wanted anything in this life for myself but for us to be happy as a family. i should have told her. i should have let her know. i remember i'd written certain similar words on a picture we took the first day we ever saw each other. we'd spent the whole night before talking on the phone and i knew that the first thing she wanted from me was a hug as soon as she got out of the car. the picture said something like, "i knew from the moment we hugged for the first time that you were going to be my wife." i mean i wrote that within hours of having been in her presence for the first time. that's not something you just say about anybody, especially the first time you're together. and it's not something you just feel in your soul, like you were destined for this person. i still have the notes she wrote me, the chain with her name engraved on it. memories of her picking me up from work, wearing one of my t-shirts to bed, hitting home runs off her on the wii. her smile, her eyes, her lips on my own. memories of us together and then not.
why did i leave sinsinattie? i was kinda surprised when she asked me why i left her behind. i mean i know we shared a special connection between us. but i never assumed that she thought about me at all now. so i told her the truth, i didn't think she wanted me. then she said she didn't say that. which is also true. the problem is she didn't say anything. yet as much as i wanted to fault her for that, i didn't say anything either. we both fucked up. we had the thing we wanted in another person in each other and let it go so easily. and regretfully. so why did i leave sinsinattie? i guess i could say because i didn't know that sinsinattie wanted me to stay. or i could say i didn't know there could be anything for us again. but i won't say either. all i'll say is that my heart will always belong with the 5-1-3."
one thing i do regret though is that during my last month there when people asked me why i was leaving sometimes i would tell them because i didn't have any reason to stay. i mean there were people who cared about me and that kinda does seem like a slap in the face, a big extended middle finger. i mean, like i said, in eight years i had developed relationships with people, and whether it was an extremely strong friendship or just someone i spoke to occasionally, i can say that unlike when i was in akron, every person in my life was someone i'd personally put there. every relationship was based on me and that person. i can't tell you how many of the people i was cool with in akron because i knew somebody who knew somebody. i've never really been a people person. so most of my friends were basically relationships by association. but in cincinnati i tried to be better. i had no associations of my own there and knew i'd have to make my own friends if i was gonna have any. and i did that. i made lasting friendships and i'm proud of myself for it. so i really shouldn't have said i didn't have any reason to stay. i could've stayed just to be close to the people i care about. then i'd tell others that i was leaving because i wanted to be closer to my family. and there's truth to that, i mean the only reason i even came to cincinnati in the first place was because my mother was there and i needed to be close to her at the time. but honestly, i see her now just barely more now than i would if we were still in two different cities, though i'll take the blame for it. i see my sister about the same and my brother even less. so technically, we are closer in distance but really only in distance. and i could've stayed where i was and achieved the same result. so why did i leave cincinnati? because even though it was inaccurate to say i didn't have any reason to stay, the truth is i didn't have any woman to stay for. i mean if i had been in a relationship i wouldn't have even considered coming back home. i love my family but i wouldn't have left what i had in cincinnati just to kill a three and a half hour trip up i-71. i just felt like because i didn't have anyone special in my life that i knew wanted me to stay, there weren't enough reasons to stay in a foreign city by myself.
why did i leave sinsinattie? that's a good question but i think a better question is how do two people go from being happy and consumed by love for one another to not talking to each other in literally no time at all. i don't know. i've spent years trying to figure that out. there were things we were both going through, things that we didn't want to have the other person to help us to shoulder. i know that we can both rationalize our drifting away to not wanting to expose each other to certain aspects in our lives but we were in love and kinda missing the point of it. love means giving everything of yourself to another person, the good and the bad, and in wanting to spare each other the bad we failed each other. she told me i should have fought for her, that i should have fought for our love and the proud part of me wanted to take her words as her putting the blame on me for what happened between us but the reality is she's right. i loved her and i know that us not being together was a pain worse than anything i would have experienced because of her. from my perspective, i should have done anything i could have done, exhausted every option, to let her know that she was my heart and that i never really wanted anything in this life for myself but for us to be happy as a family. i should have told her. i should have let her know. i remember i'd written certain similar words on a picture we took the first day we ever saw each other. we'd spent the whole night before talking on the phone and i knew that the first thing she wanted from me was a hug as soon as she got out of the car. the picture said something like, "i knew from the moment we hugged for the first time that you were going to be my wife." i mean i wrote that within hours of having been in her presence for the first time. that's not something you just say about anybody, especially the first time you're together. and it's not something you just feel in your soul, like you were destined for this person. i still have the notes she wrote me, the chain with her name engraved on it. memories of her picking me up from work, wearing one of my t-shirts to bed, hitting home runs off her on the wii. her smile, her eyes, her lips on my own. memories of us together and then not.
why did i leave sinsinattie? i was kinda surprised when she asked me why i left her behind. i mean i know we shared a special connection between us. but i never assumed that she thought about me at all now. so i told her the truth, i didn't think she wanted me. then she said she didn't say that. which is also true. the problem is she didn't say anything. yet as much as i wanted to fault her for that, i didn't say anything either. we both fucked up. we had the thing we wanted in another person in each other and let it go so easily. and regretfully. so why did i leave sinsinattie? i guess i could say because i didn't know that sinsinattie wanted me to stay. or i could say i didn't know there could be anything for us again. but i won't say either. all i'll say is that my heart will always belong with the 5-1-3."
March 26, 2010
Quotes...William Shakespeare
"speak of me as i am; nothing extenuate, nor set down aught in malice: then, must you speak of one that lov'd not wisely but too well; of one not easily jealous, but, being wrought, perplex'd in the extreme…"
Writes..."Nicole Simpson Can't Rap...And Neither Can II..."
"my names's brian, i claim quixotic
voice so smooth, it's deemed hypnotic
women who listen ear-gasm. causing wet, they body spasm
thinking of nights with me erotic"
again, all apologies to "real" rappers, i'm still just fucking around.
Writes..."Nicole Simpson Can't Rap...And Neither Can I"
"i wonder if love's from a place, not unlike a sewer
where roaches and rats dwell, a place that reeks of manure
yet it makes me quote keats, frost, moe syzlak too
'i've never felt this way before, it's like my heart wants to do her'"
all apologies to "real" rappers, i'm just fucking around. and thanks to outkast for "ear-gasm".
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