Re-Writes..."Apathy"

“every girl in my life is pissing me off. every girl i’m interested in; or may be interested in. notice i said every girl; that was no mistake. i realize it sort of gives people the idea that i have a lot of females on my mind and in my heart. but it’s because i do have a number of females, both on my mind an in my heart. i know that and have accepted it as my reality. but i’ve also realized that i am not to blame for this shortcoming; they are. every girl i have an interest in; every one i’ve tried to be with. they are the ones to blame for me and the image i may have. it’s all their fault. because all i ask of any of them is a commitment. a commitment; some kind of promise to something more with me. nothing else. i’ve never asked any of them for anything other than connection. and yet no one will give me the satisfaction; no one will commit to an “us”. so i take these rejections to heart. and question why even continue to try? when the words you use to describe the feelings you have for someone are met with nonchalance? when the actions you take, even the smallest of gestures, are greeted with an apathy that sickens your very soul. my nature isn’t equipped to handle the sacrilegious attitudes that i am forced to deal with. and it seems that all their beliefs are contrary to my own.”

sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.

Re-Writes..."Jack And Jill"

“jack and jill…he had entertained the thought many times, so much so that the idea of him actually being involved with her consumed him. to take the friendship they had forged over the years to another level. to establish a more intimate connection between them. but mostly, the idea that he could finally make her his own. that he no longer would have to compete with others for her affection; that greatly appealed to him.

but he knew such thoughts were unfounded; they’d had the “talk” many times before. “i love you jack”, she said, “but we’re at two different places in our lives and i need more right now. i have obligations in my life that require resources that you can’t provide me with; situations that you can’t help in. i really do love you. i love being with you and the way you make me feel. your actions have shown me that you’re everything i’ve ever desired in a man: nurturing, encouraging, selfless…and my heart is telling me to be with you. but i can’t. my mind knows that if anything ever happened you wouldn’t be able to take care of us. sometimes emergencies arise, expenses mount, and must be dealt with immediately; and right now, you couldn’t assist me, so i can’t be with you.”

and so he had been left to ponder the situation they were in, or at least, he was in. because to him, it seemed like he was the only one who cared about them as a couple. she had made it abundantly clear that the problem lie with him; that he knew the reason why she wouldn’t commit to him and that he held the keys to the development of any change to their relationship in the future. but he knew this was bullshit. there were many problems between them and she was the root of most of them. a lack of money was his problem but her indecisiveness was hers. it was the reason he questioned his feelings for her. at first, he had never doubted the way he felt about her, or about them, but her wishy-washy demeanor towards him and their situation had changed his outlook on them. he had started as a man who liked, and grown into one that loved her. but now he had qualms about that love…”

sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.

Writes..."I'll Accept Being Understood Pt. 2"

"i’ll only accept being understood these days and blah blah, more blah…what the fuck am i doing? no seriously, what am i doing with this piece? ‘cause from reading the first part of this again, i’ve deduced that apparently i have just been going off on a tangent about how i’ve been treated by people in the past and that wasn’t my intention at all. well, you know, laying the foundation for the crux of an thought i had was, but not in coming off like a whiny bitch in the preparation of the groundwork on that thought. this isn’t about me; see the idea behind this rant, er, piece is me trying to discover what happens after you’ve determined that you’ve found someone who also believes personal relationships are sustained, not by the tolerance of another’s flaws, but through one’s appreciation of them? what happens if you’ve come across a person in your life who’s never claimed to have accepted you for what you are…because you know they’ve never desired to “accept” you for what are? what do you do when you’ve known from your first encounter with someone that they truly “got” you; and from your first conversation you’ve felt they had a genuine understanding of who you really are? i don’t know, maybe i should talk to someone who has experienced this.

and let’s say i did find someone i could ask in an effort to gain a few answers to my questions. let’s say i, hypothetically, found a woman who holds a man in such a regard; that she believes him to be that “someone” my previous inquires have alluded to. hell, let’s even pretend in this supposed scenario, that the “someone” this woman has placed in such high esteem is a man a lot like me; i mean, a lot like me. and when asked to describe the connection she possessed with that man, she used the following statements the same way she had when she’d been talking to that man…

“you're the only person that's understood me completely.”

and…

“you are the only one that will ever understand me completely.”

reiterating what she had said earlier; this time with emphasis on the word “only”…

i imagine that i would probably thank her for her candor; but walk away with the feeling our discussion hadn’t produced any new answers to the questions i’d come to her with.

so i’m left to ponder this…especially because i know i wasn’t referring to myself in the first paragraph of this part. if that person and i are both looking for the same thing in life: a connection based on understanding and not acceptance; and she’d said similar things the fictitious woman had said to me and meant every word when she said them, why the fuck are “we”, or what "we" could be, merely a thought of a little less than 900 words?”

Presents..."E.I.B.B." by Jasmin Williams

"regretting the decision to keep my feelings for you inside, the burden of the unknown causes a rift in my reality and my fantasy. remembering how my heart felt when you came to me, crying inside that i can't see your smile, feel your skin, hear you laugh. suffering the loss of you is more than i want to handle, more than i was prepared to accept."

Re-Writes..."Trust Issue"

“i think about the problems i have with girls constantly. it haunts me like a veteran may have flashbacks of bloody battle scenes he’s seen in war. i wonder what my problem is. notice i said, “my problem”. i could blame girls. i could say they are scandalous, gold diggers, etc., but that wouldn’t include all of them, so i won’t. i say it’s my problem because i have major trust issues. i don’t trust anybody, not completely anyway. i don’t like to share my feelings or show my emotions because i don’t want people to know how i feel. when i tell somebody something, i don’t want to hear it circulating around. i don’t like it when people know my business, let alone want to get in it. if i’m messing around with some girl, i don’t want her talking about the things we do to all her friends. i don’t want people talking about me period. but i’ve learned that isn’t possible. as soon as you make yourself vulnerable and open up to someone, you can expect to hear your innermost feelings quoted by someone you didn’t even know existed. you might as well tell the newspaper or go on television. i know that’s why i’m an introvert. when the only person you trust is yourself, then you have to keep your feelings to yourself. maybe someday i will find someone that will be able to keep private things private. i look forward to that day, the day i will be able to express myself emotionally. shed a tear, break a glass, say “i love you”, with out gossip. i really do look forward to having my trust issues settled. maybe it can be soon.”

sometime in '99, i don't remember the exact date.

Re-Writes..."Toy Story"

“i’m writing this down because it’s easier for me than actually saying it to you. i wonder what you think of me. or what you think of my desire for you. do you know how much i want you in my life? how much i want us to work? i only hope that you see how sincere i am. that i’m not playing any games. there shouldn’t be any games in relationships. and that i don’t say things i don’t mean. i think you know that i’d rather not say anything at all then lie about my feelings. so believe this. i only hope i can be everything you want in a man, everything you deserve. romantic, loving, nurturing. because i know that only the best is good enough for you. but i’m sure you’ve already realized that. do you think i’m that person? the perfect one for you? i hope you do. and i hope i am. because i want to be the first thing on your mind in the morning when you wake up. the last thing you think about before you go to sleep. the reason you can’t concentrate in school, why your mind wanders at home, what you dream about at night. then you’ll know how it feels. you’ll know how it feels to be me. to be totally taken by someone. totally captivated by them. that’s what you do to me. that’s how i feel about you.”

sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.

Re-Writes..."The Wrong Man"

“i saw something on television that made me pretty emotional. it’s weird, but only certain things make me respond like this. just situations that have something to do with romance. and only situations that i can see myself in. i was watching something the other day and i could see myself in the predicament. a man and a woman had known each other for years. they were born in the same small city and grew up in the same neighborhood. same schools, same friends, same everything. they practically lived the same life. and in this, they became best friends. sharing their secrets, the status of their love lives, their thoughts and wishes, their hopes and dreams. no one knew either of them better than they knew each other. they had tried dating each other once, but at that time it didn’t work out. so they continued to watch each other try to find love with other people, always failing, always finding others lacking something. that is, until the woman found someone and got her engaged. but even then, the fiancé was missing something, though he didn’t know it. he didn’t have her heart. it belonged to her best friend. and her best friend’s heart belonged to her. but both never admitted their feelings to themselves, let alone to each other. that is, until the night the woman was rushing off to her fiancé, with her best friend following after her in order to stop her. and that’s when it happened. the situation i could see myself in. in a hotel lobby, the man tried to convince the woman not to marry her fiancé. that she was marrying the wrong man. he told her he loved her. he proposed marriage. he asked her to give him one reason why she should marry her fiancé instead of him. and she couldn’t. he then told her that she couldn’t marry her fiancé instead of him. because he had loved her all their lives. that marrying her fiancé would be a mistake. and that she would be living the life they were supposed to have with somebody else. having the kids they were supposed to have with somebody else. growing old the way they were supposed to, together, with somebody else. he released all the feelings he had stored up over the years. and she responded. she asked him to propose to her again. and when he did, she said yes. this made me emotional because i could see myself doing that. the words, the setting, the situation, were all perfect. exactly the way i would have done it.”

sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.

Re-Writes..."The Romantically-Talented Mr. Wilson"

“i take pride in the fact that i’m all about effort. the effort i put into sustaining my romantic ways, which is what i think makes me unique from every other man. how i try to tend to every single detail, every little nuance, that goes into an encounter with that someone special. whether it’s a solitary candle burning on the edge of a drawn bath after a hard day at work or it’s a phone call just to say how much i care for them. i’m all about a moment. but not just a moment. the moment. that moment when the time, the setting, and the mood are all perfect. so in my opinion, i’m not very spontaneous. to others, a romantic gesture from me may seem totally unexpected and surprising. but every act of romance is meticulously thought out and executed. every word has been practiced and rehearsed over and over in my mind. every possible exchange of dialogue is considered and analyzed towards any responses to be given. so with all this forethought, am i really spontaneous? it’s not exactly spur-of-the-moment romance. but i don’t want any asinine planning or awkward conversation to ruin this moment. it’s all about the presentation. i strive to make every encounter perfect. which makes it hard for me when the moment passes without my desired result. without the emotion i’ve been waiting for. like it’s being taken for granted. i hate that. i hate the fact that after a while romantic gestures from me come to be expected. and dismissed because that’s my nature, it’s just the way i am. when a heartfelt symbol of love is met with apathy from someone important to you, being a romantic becomes bittersweet. and it makes you wonder why even do it? why put forth the effort to show someone you love them? why not just be like everyone else and not care so much? i guess it’s because it’s not in my nature. i can’t not be romantic. and i can’t not care so much. so it seems to me that’ll be my downfall in intimate relationships. i’ll care too much and the nonchalant attitude of my partner will just upset me. which will make me just want to be alone. but maybe i’m wrong.”

sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.

Re-Writes..."Something In The Way"

“your eyes. your smile. there’s something about the way you look at me. something the way you watch my movements, my expressions. i can’t explain it. but it’s magical. still, there’s one look in particular that captivates me every time i see it. you do it whenever i say something that you want to laugh at, but instead you turn away from me. as if trying to conceal your happiness. i often wonder why you hide so precious a gift from me? i love to see you smile. but that’s not the look. it actually occurs in those moments after you turn back around to face me. then, there it is. you look at me with those brown eyes and that beautiful smile and just for a second, i become flustered. but your face reassures me of my doubts and fears. i know this may sound funny but it’s like i can see love in your eyes. they sparkle with a luminous glow that rivals the sun and twinkle like the brightest stars at night. and i see affection in your smile. with a leer so perfect i recall it every time i’m down and in need of comfort. reviving the image in my dreams, my daily thoughts, my heart. i’m sure that if anyone actually knew what love looked like, they would describe that look. because there’s something in the way you look at me.”

sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.

Re-Writes..."My Greatest Sin"

“the church. the site of my greatest triumph and my greatest sin. a sin against man. a sin against myself. a sin so evil, so vicious, that my being forgiven has no chance of ever happening. and yet, my triumph and my sin are one and the same. how does a man achieve his greatest goal in life, but lose the only thing he’s ever wanted?

all i wanted in life was someone to love. and the church provided me with the opportunities to fulfill this goal. “you get yourself a good christian girl.” growing up in the church, i’ve heard this a million times before. but in doing this, in finding someone that i feel consumed by love for, have i alienated someone else that may have wanted to be with me. someone that may have been searching for the very things i was. and maybe they saw those things in me. qualities that appealed to them. potential they could have cultivated. something that they felt had drawn them to me. but they never told me. and i didn’t realize it. and i found another.

so am i wrong for trying to make myself happy? can a man’s own pursuits towards personal contentment have negative effects on someone who seemingly isn’t emotionally connected to him? not even indirectly. and should it really matter to me if that happens? after years of laying back and letting others get their own way, isn’t it time for me to finally go and get what i want? whatever it takes to make me happy. in the past, i was always looking out for other people’s interests, regardless of my own feelings. there have been many situations where i stood back and allowed others to take what i wanted. but now is my time. time for me to have what i used to let slip through my fingers, what i never made the effort before to get, what had eluded me until now.

so have i achieved my greatest goal in life? right now, it seems i have. i’ve found someone who i love more than any other. but have i ruined a friendship in the process? maybe. maybe things will never be the same between us. and maybe i should feel bad because i didn’t see the signs. or read between the lines of what someone was saying. yet, i owe it to myself to continue to strive to make my relationship as successful as i can. because it’s time for me to be happy. even if they aren’t.”

sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.