Writes...“Countdown To My 38...37...36th..."

"at twenty-two and two, on sept. twenty-seven,
i have less than two hours at my current age...
seven minutes have passed, in which i wrote those two lines,
i need to write at least seven more on this page...


but the countdown's begun, i've only one-oh-five,
minutes left; to pen something new written by me...
those lines took way too long for having said nothing,
i just looked at a clock to see ten twenty-three...


i feel...oops, while touching the pad i hit "cancel",
and by accident the last four lines got erased...
so i waste ten minutes trying to remember,
but i'm sure the words i had then i just replaced...


seventy minutes remain, now just fifty-one,
"family guy" is on so i can't concentrate...
it's the episode in which stewie kills lois,
and meg uses hotdogs the time she masturbates...


i still have thirty-seven minutes left to write,
but i can think of nothing of note i can say...
part two of stewie killing lois is on now,
i'll just watch this episode until my birthday"

Quotes...Me...All

"i know that posting the things i've said or written in the past is the equivalent of a blogged "clip show" but in re-reading my own quotes i've come to realize there's something wrong with me; something wickedly brilliant...something most people won't understand. i like to think this post offers insight into the person i am...and how difficult it is to be me.


""i don't have any kids 'cause i've been thinking with the wrong head." 

"pen to paper makes her happy." 

"ask two people for the truth and it tends to lie somewhere in between what they tell you." 

"it's funny how the most unfortunate-looking people still find ways to make themselves look even less appealing." 

"i'm not going to say "i know what i want" anymore. truth is, the more accurate statement is "i know what I don't want"."

 "if i say "thank you" for something, don't fucking "yep" me. a simple "yw" will suffice; and it takes even less effort to type out."

 "i don't have an "inner circle"; it's more like an "inner line segment".

 "women have told me that i'm hard to read, but i believe now it's because i probably wasn't as in to them as they would've hoped. i know me and when i'm feeling a woman, i'm a freaking pop-up book."

 "women are right: i do only want one thing."

 "i'm a flawed man, i make mistakes...just not in spelling or math."

 "we're all assholes; i'm just the kind that writes poetry and remembers your birthday."

 "women who continue to treat every guy they met like the asshole they've already had shit on any new relationships right from the beginning."

 "every day life's greatest irony is confirmed to me: women don't want me...but they want the man they have to be exactly like me."

 "please stop telling me how "real" you are. know what makes me "real"? not having to say it cause i don't give a fuck if you care if i'm "real" or not."


"they said eventually the feeling will fade but i want the "butterflies in my stomach" that i get when i think of her to remain there forever."


"what exactly does "real talk" mean and why do people feel the need to emphasize what they say by using the phrase? i'm not really one to waste words, so know if i'm speaking at all that shit is as "real" as it gets."


"life's always been a bitch...i just discovered i'm not fucking her right."


"the world's full of assholes; i'm the laxative that makes their shit tolerable."


"nipples don't get fatter."


"i wish women would stop echoing my feelings. i'm tired of hearing the things i say merely directed back at me as original thought."


"nothing gets my dick softer than a woman that lacks confidence. well, other than ejaculating in a woman that lacks confidence."


 "life is gooder when you have someone in your heart."


"if you're speaking my words then "baw's in your mouth"."


"suicide by pen; i bleed myself out in gut-spilling words..."


"if your goal in life is contentment, even if you succeed you fail."


"my word and my effort...that's all i am."


"i never root against love. well, except when i think it won't cover the spread."


"my hands are going to get me into trouble: either from some quip i wrote or some clit i stroke."


"i'm blessed to be able to say that while i've experienced bad things in my life, i've never had to go through the worst things can be."


"notice how the people who tend to say "looks aren't everything" tend to be the people who don't look like anything."


"sure, love has left me discouraged at times but i'll never give up on it. i can't. 'cause in my attempt to determine why, i came to realize i'm too fucking arrogant to do so. "someone not love the person that i am? c'mon man, it's me.""


"i've come to the conclusion that i need to be the number one priority of someone, even if that person has to be me."


"telling her that her vagina has a pungent odor produces the same reaction from a girl as saying her pussy stinks."


"i don't understand any woman, i just pretend better than most guys."


"i hate when someone tries to downplay your situation by telling you there's always someone who has it worse than you do. by that same logic, wasn't i that someone more worse off another person was referring about when they had been told that? when did i stop being that person?"


"arrogant, brash, cocky: words used to describe me but the truth is i don't think i'm the best; i just don't think there's anybody better than me."


"it's remarkable how afraid i am to be remarkable."


"i have the feeling today is going to be a good d...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz​zz."


"when life is shitty, flush the toilet."


"i'm a sarcass-hole."


"people always say they want to know what i'm thinking but i spill my guts in everything i write."


"my mother used to tell me that people only used cuss words because they didn't have the vocabulary to express themselves properly. but i've found that sometimes "fuck" is the appropriate word for what i'm trying to communicate."


"descartes said, 'i think; therefore i am'; but i say, 'i write; therefore i'm better.'"


"i'm always saying i'm looking for a woman to collaborate on my writing with; but the truth is i'm really looking for a woman to collaborate on my life with."


"i'm not trying to be accepted for who i am anymore; right now i'm more focused on being understood for what i am."


"i love her because our relationship isn't based on acceptance; it's based on understanding. she hasn't come to accept that i am an asshole as much as she understands why i am an asshole."


"i write as a man that loves women; and every once in a while has one of those women love him back."


"a man finds no embarrassment in telling a beautiful woman her finds her beautiful."


"they say that beauty is only skin-deep and ugly is to the bone; i've found that to be especially true. most of the "unfortunate" people i'm seen are so due to their poor facial bone structure...a lack of high cheekbones, weak jawline, etc."


"they said there's a thin line between genius and insanity but the truth is brilliant people reside in the "green" overlap of "yellow" and "blue" areas that make them up."


"someone asked me why i write poems about love. i told them it's because i haven't found a word that rhymes well with "pussy"."


"i ain't shit...but i'm confident the friends i have now will keep the flies from getting on me when i am the shit."


"being super smart is like being in jail. i haven't found anything to be as isolating as knowing stuff is."


"every man's story revolves around a woman. and because every experience with one, be it tragic or comedic, helps to determine how that story's written; the quality of one's life is truly based on the quality of the women who have roles in it."


"she said i think like a woman does when it comes to the idea of love, but i like to think i merely understand it like a lover does."


"my mom had mentioned something about a girl being on my "team". first, i told her never to use that phrase again. second, i don't have a "team"; i'm perpetually a free agent."


"happy mother's day to all the mothers out there, especially the ones who have to be both mom and dad. parent is a thankless job but i'll say it anyway. thank you!!! and dudes, step up. i can't have any more women hesitant to have my kids because of you."


"am i wrong for looking at osama bin laden's death like i look at a chick on the jerry springer show? i'm gonna need to see the body. i need some proof."


"i'm about to change my name to "iceland" or "greenland" or something; nobody's more of an island than i am, despite what john donne says."


"i write about love and romance, so i write about heartache and headaches."


"if the world's ending at 6 i'll be prepared. i have my gasoline draws on."


"i'm not a genius; i just play one in real life."


"who else wants to marry my words?"


"who wants to change their name for me?"


"i'm just like everyone else...except when i say that i'm being sarcastic."


"my genius...my words...my life..."


"i'm special. you can interpret that any way you want."


“people ask me why i always write about love. i tell them because there isn't anything else i care enough about."


“when i pee i miss the toilet a lot, especially in the morning. when she asked me why, i told her it's the same reason it takes 4 or 5 firemen to keep the hose straight."


"something brilliant...blah blah..."


"i was reading my mother something i'd written and she responded by saying i have an active imagination. translation: use that brain to bring me money."


"50 said, 'when i die they'll read this and say a genius wrote it'. i guess my goal is to have those people saying it while i'm still breathing."


"if you're having sex with a woman she's either having an orgasm or she isn't. but if she's faking it, that doesn't mean you have to fake caring."


"complicated life, complicated relationships, complicated me."


"i ain't saying i'm the best. i got people who say it for me."


"i'm not even the best me i can be yet and i'm still a better me than anyone else will ever be."


"i live my life as if hell is an inevitability for me. so the contrition i feel for the bad that i do is genuine. and the good that i do is due to what i truly am and not rooted in trying to gain favor from god towards the promise of heaven."


"if i were a better person i wouldn't be as good of a writer."


"babies are "cute". puppies are "cute". shouldn't grown people have to evolve past being "cute"; or at least having a grown person call another grown person that? how about a grown-up word like "attractive" or "handsome" or "f**kable"? or "f***worthy"? just a thought..."


"i don't involve myself with women who don't believe in love the way that i do...doesn't the bible say something about being unequally yoked with unbelievers. i'm sure that's what that meant. love is my religion, but i'm not here to convert the masses; i'm only here to seek out a fellow disciple."


"i only want one thing. who wants to give it to me?"


"one person to walk with, that's all."


"i'm using "google" maps right now and this satellite map is kinda freaking me out. i'm looking at the address in real time. if i lived on that street i would feel like my privacy was being invaded, especially if i were the dude masturbating in his front window right now.""


 

 

Writes..."Dreams"

“knowing consciously she feels something for me.

but her subconscious makes it clear how deep she feels me.

she says she dreams of me.

of us...

connecting in ways she'd never imagined

dreams so vivid and real

she wakes up to her body still vibrating to the waves we rode on

steam and phantom waves rise from the place that she imagined me being.” - nicole chavers

“she says she dreams of me, then asks me what i see;

use my words to make a “fan” out of fantasy

so i’ll take over her dream; my own “inception”;

and deeply plant the idea that she’s “feeling me”

then i’d root more suggestions on what we could be,

if the dream she dreamed became our reality

waves we ride on would be merely the conception,

of what happens when minds allow hearts to be free” - me

i'm sure cole won't mind i'm posting this collaboration. ???

Writes..."Incomplete"

worked on this as a collaboration in 2013. thought it'd materialize into something...

““is it weird i’m thinking about her this early
not in the day, i mean in our relationship?
my mind, filled with so many thoughts of a girlie,
don’t know if i’m falling or i’ve already tripped
is it too soon to say i feel feelings for her?
is “i want to feel her” a thing too soon to say?
i’d tell her right now except i would prefer,
first knowing for certain that she feels the same way”

“pick it up, put it down; urge to call, why so soon?
has he now consumed my mind? wow! how could this be?
butterfly am i, now released from past cocoon
i feel like i'm feeling him feeling me, does he?
feel the need to quinch my sexual desires,
yet i'm cautious; will we maintain more than one night?
feelin’ like i’m on cloud nine, could we go higher?
now there’s no time for games, will he get it right?”

“but say this woman is actually “feeling” me,
more than a touch, ‘though i imagine her touch more;
my mind views scenes of us together willingly,
where we ponder what willing hands may have in store
what if the phrase means she thinks to offer a place;
a piece of her heart deemed worthy for me to live?
then i’d not hesitate to occupy the space,
if residence were a gift she’d readily give””

...but this was it.

Writes..."Valentine's Day"

"on a day where people can find hearts everywhere
made of mylar, made of paper, made of candy
i don't have the desire for any of those
'cause the heart that i want is already handy
see, i stopped searching for hearts the day i got yours
and we exchanged the one we own for the other's
the love that came through it, it's one unparalleled
one far surpassing any felt from another
know that though people seek hearts to say certain things
having your heart is a gift through the joy that it brings"

Presents...5 Years Of Blogging

"yeah i know this post is a week and a half late. sadly i was fully aware, yet watched the 20th come and go without even an attempt to log in and post anything to celebrate the 5th anniversary of my blog. i guess it's fitting though; i haven't written anything in a long time, should i really be celebrating? the truth is i haven't felt inspired to pen for a while. truth. i mean in the past i didn't really write to show how smart i was or how creative i could be as i once said, i wrote so that the people who would read my words would know my heart through them; thus, indirectly speaking directly to individuals. but my words had been read; my heart known; and... and that was it. nothing happened; either directly or indirectly. and now there's nothing new to write: everything that i could say, i have said. everything that i should have said, i've already said. i decree this day that anything more penned by my own hand will have its basis from something in another's heart."

Writes..."The Vows"

"i’d crumpled up a lot of paper working on various drafts of what i wanted to you at this moment. ball after ball of unfinished writes and rewrites toss aside because my mind couldn’t complete a full thought…or because the words i’d tried using seemed to lack the intensity I needed to relay right now. sure, they burned yet i felt they didn’t fully express my love for you how i wished them to. they didn’t convey enough passion… they didn’t convey enough desire… they failed to communicate just how deep this connection between us is or exactly what our bond means to me. and then i realized that maybe, just maybe, it’s because truths i’d questioned in the past had actually been truth: when i’d written a work before about marriage for someone else and said i probably wouldn’t be able to pen another better even for myself i was correct; i couldn’t. and when i’d said i’d more than likely use that piece at my own wedding i was correct again; i am. well, at least exerpts…

"what is love? i could take the biblical route and write that first corinthians 13:4 says "love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud". or i could use quotes from a couple of greek philosophers like plato or aristotle and say, “love is the joy of the good, the wonder of the wise, the amazement of the gods” or “love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." perhaps something poetic like saint augustine saying, “love is the beauty of the soul” or john keats with “i could be martyr'd for my religion --- love is my religion --- and i could die for that.”

but i won’t. they're all right; love is all of those things. but most importantly, i think love is knowing. love is knowing that in another person you've found a best friend to confide in, a partner to build a life with, a lover with which to share intimacy and passion. love is knowing that despite any situation that may befall them, any obstacle that may threaten to come between them; everything they encounter from this moment on is neither about him or her individually. that the life they’ll live will be a collective existence; where his weaknesses and strengths will balance out with hers; where his thoughts and feelings seem to be reflected in her and vice versa. on one accord, even when they disagree, because they both know disagreements are only transient; that the foundation their relationship is built on is based on more than the physical and more than the emotional. it’s about knowing that the love they’ve developed for one another is based on a spiritual bond. he doesn’t just love her because she has the most beautiful smile. and she doesn’t just love him because he makes her feel the happiest she’s ever felt in her life. they love each other because some time, at some point, they both realized they were connected to one another; that being apart from each other was like missing the most vital part of themselves; and having experienced what they could be and still not being together was a fate infinitely worse than the lives they were living before they’d met.

love is knowing…love is knowing your heart belongs to another; and you’re both good with that."

and i am good with this.

i remember the day i introduced myself to you. you were sitting in a chair in the alcove on the first floor of my building and i was on my way out but something, call it a false sense of bravado, compelled me to walk over to you to say hello. so i did… and you smiled and said hello back. then i asked you your name and i remember you saying, “my name is cozetta but everyone calls me taba. what’s your name? i told you my name. and right before i left you, and this is the part i treasure, i said, “taba right? i won’t forget that.” but the truth is i had jacked your name up before i’d gotten out the door; “taebo”, “baba”, other things that weren’t even remotely close and i felt extremely bad for not being able to lock your name into my mind. so when i saw you in the same place the next day, i was elated at the opportunity for redemption. i walked over and we exchanged pleasantries like we had the previous day. then i asked you your name again and you repeated “taba” and i told you once more that “i wouldn’t forget”. i want to say i haven’t forgotten your name since that day; know that. but crediting my having an exceptional memory for that would be a mistake. i’ve come to realize that your name stays with me, not because i have it in my mind, but because i’ve placed it in my heart.

we're standing here right now... because you're where you belong... in my heart.

cozetta... i love you. i thank god for setting you on my path and you for deciding to hold my hand as we walk it. i look forward to sharing the journey that life has in store for us. "always and forever...""

Presents...4 Years Of Blogging

"this is really embarrassing; i seem to have missed the anniversary of when i started blogging by

almost 3 weeks. "d'oh!!!" it's just that i haven't been writing as much, so there's been nothing to post. and with nothing to post, little reason to update my blog. i need to get back to what i do best...and better than anyone else. anyways, march 20, 2010, i started peeing onto paper and then leaving the mess all over the monitor...now i'm about to be back at it."

(from 3 years ago..."i've done the impossible...4 years of continuous blogging. yay me!!!")

(...except...not.)

Writes..."Birthday Poems"

for taba...1-27-14

"on today, this special day, the day of your birth;
i've chosen words to convey my thoughts on your worth,
on your value; i'll use a verb or adjective
"loving" is an action, yet it also describes,
you better than any word from the best of scribes,
who penned lines 'cause penned lines were their reason to live
but through "loving" you i have a reason to say,
the word's ne'er meant more to me than it does today"

for michel'ley...12-8-13

"i've known you a short while, not a very long time,
but know when i look at you i see you as mine;
know i couldn't have asked for a better daughter,
in you, i've been given the word truly defined
you're better, the best; god made you a special kind
happy birthday michelley!!! from a proud father"

for e...8-14-13

"every year i think to offer something to say
that i'm thinking about you on your special day
but flowers wither and cards can be thrown away,
and candy rarely lasts for longer than a day
so i need something to give more destined to stay;
more destined to linger when gifted on this day
i require something that'll perfectly say,
"you're loved beyond what any of those things would say"
so every year i offer my words, and then i pray,
they show the sentiment that i want to display
again it's me expressing in a humble way,
i wish you a very joyous happy birthday!!!"

for tia...5-27-13

"roses are red, violets a reddish blue:
two things i'm sure you already knew
so i'll write on things i want you to know
pen just a few words in order to show
on your birthday i was thinking of you,
and thoughts last longer than flowers or dough
happy birthday! may today be full of,
joy; in the company of those you love
in celebration of another year,
may the laughter shared reduce you to tears
most of all, i wish on the stars above:
this day you know you are someone held dear"

for e...8-14-11

"i'll start this with: "roses are red, a deep crimson hue..."
roses are lovely and they smell fragrant too
they inspire jealousy from the unfortunate few
who wish they were you, and getting roses too

my words aren't flowers whose colors are red
or long-stemmed or thorny, so i'll send feelings instead
can't put them in a vase; or spread them out on a bed
penned by my hand; connected to my heart and head

happy birthday e! be blessed just by knowing
that because of you roses are continually growing
that my words are continually glowing; joy's overflowing
thus, a tribute to you through prose must be hallowing"

for jazz...8-1-10

"another year gone by, another candle for the cake, another chance to tell you how much you mean to me. more than using a generic template for a poem..."roses are red; a deep crimson hue...blah blah." more than a comical greeting card..."thirty's over the hill, you're old...blah blah." we're beyond both so i won't do either. all i'll say is i'm truly blessed to be able to call you my friend and i'll always value your being in my life. never forget that. happy birthday jazz and many more to come! and that's from the heart...my own words and my own effort."

Writes..."Wilson: First Love Pt. 2"

"and sometimes the heart does allow a man to rhyme,
even if it's in twelve syllable lines at times...
penning in perfect or near-perfect lines...
the feelings for another in his heart's confines...

i wonder if she remembers "us" from the start...
well, not the eighth grade "us" sharing a class of art...
with the school picture where shots did part;
her "bryant gumbel" parting shot 'cause i was smart,

wore glasses, or maybe 'cause i looked like the man...
but anyways...i'm off-subject; that's not the plan...
i'm referring to "operation: racket man";
elton john just said he's suing; fuck him, he can...

yeah, i had his song playing when i wrote that line,
but my play on his words mean now his words are mine...
besides, if ruled on how "infringement" is defined,
a judge, at most, would issue punishment in a fine...

but i'm off-topic again; back to the story...
my remembrance of our past stored in memory...
our history; not just "honors world history";
"us" in tenth grade; "us" with only tenth grade worries...

i often wonder if she can even recall,
exactly why she gave me a number to call...
yeah, i carried 'round a tennis racket and balls,
but i never figured that would "net" her at all...

she was standing by an exit one warm spring day,
waiting for a ride so she could be on her way...
that encounter between us is when she did say,
"brian, i'm interested in learning how to play;

perhaps you could offer me a lesson or two?"
to which i replied, "i can show you what to do;
i can teach you anytime you have the time to;
what's your number so i can get in touch with you?"

then she placed seven digits on my palm in pen,
marker; can't think of what writing tool was chosen...
i just know that our relationship started when,
i had to be off the phone with her before ten..."