Writes..."Just A Dude?"

"from reading too much, and sleeping too little, his brain dried up on him and he lost his judgment." - miguel de cervantes

"i'm pretty sure that quote's from cervantes's the ingenious hidalgo don quixote of la mancha. i better be, considering how much i use the word "quixotic" to describe myself and my belief that the ink of that word somewhere on my body in the future to be a certainty. i'm quixotic. i'm intelligent enough to know and use the word correctly. and i like to think that i am a good person; though the title of "saint" would be a gross exaggeration of my character. wait!!! saint brian...patron saint of romantic uncertainty and people who are always wanting...does have a nice ring to it and seems to fit me to a tee. i am going to use that, damn the blasphemous implications. but i digress. oscar wilde said, "every saint has a past and every sinner has a future" and he's right. i know i'm somewhere in the middle of those extremes so maybe it's the present that i have. sinner, saint, asshole, lover...i've been all of those things. i am all of those things, well at least i know i've been called them. i'm complex but what i want for myself is simple. so i like to just say i'm a dude. a regular dude. people try to tell me that i'm not but i'm not sure what they think separates me from every other dude in the world. i'm flawed. i make mistakes. i'm just a dude trying to make his way in the world.

fact: life is a paradox. fact: unfortunately so is the way i think. 'cause i understand that every situation i encounter is a situation someone has already gone through. there is no life problem in 2010 that hasn't happened before to somebody else at some other time in history. men didn't start denying their "alleged" kids in the 21st century. the first affair didn't occur when "grady, the 29-year-old construction worker who came home from a hard day's work to his trailer park home to find his wife in bed with another man". and the first murders in history weren't recorded when "grady" put two shots into them both at the end of guilty conscience. i know that even though the date on the calendar may not read 1714 or 1935, the way people are hasn't changed since the beginning of time. we're still doing what we've always done. so all i can conclude is that we are what we are. so i am what i am. and while there's a sense of self-realization in that declaration i can't help but wonder why i always feel like i'm a pioneer towards the things that are going on in my life. and why every day is a struggle between knowing that i'm not the first person to have to live and feeling like nobody had to do it like i do. i'm contradiction personified because my two strongest assets, my brain and my heart, are at conflict and their betrayal are keeping me from being what i should be.

is this something a "dude" would write?

"i wish my name was brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me brain. that's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it." - mitch hedberg

my name is brian and people call me brain because i am smart. but am i just a dude? i still think so. besides, what's the alternative? asshole? i'll stick with dude then.

ambrose bierce said, "brain: an apparatus with which we think we think." well, i think i think too much and a dude's brain hurts now."