"how did we go from being strangers to being lovers; from not talking to talking again; and how do we go from what we are together to what we could be together?
i remember...one day the "wife" and i were looking for something to do on a saturday afternoon. we had been driving around when she decided she wanted to show me one of the places that was special to her. unlike me, she had grown up in the city and i liked it when she wanted for me to experience some of the things that she held close to her heart. we were on a hill, with a spectacular view overlooking the city. talking, laughing; enjoying each other's company in arguably the most serene moment i've ever been a part of. the scene was perfection; together with the beautiful woman i loved, in a beautiful area she loved. and because i figured there would never be a more fitting atmosphere to ask her to be mine forever, i dropped to propose right there on that grassy knoll; but she stopped me by saying "don't". maybe she stopped me because she didn't think i was serious. or maybe she stopped me because she knew i was. i don't know. all i know was that that day i confirmed to myself that i was ready to commit to the words i had written on the picture we'd taken our first day together as the rest of my life; without hesitation or doubt. "my future is our future..."; i said it because i meant it...
i remember...it was the day before mother's day in 2007 and my mother and i had ridden the bus to the mall in order to find my grandmother a gift. we were on our way to the bus stop to return home when the "wife" called and asked where i was. i told her we had been shopping on were going to be waiting for the bus and she said she would come by and pick us up. a few minutes later she was there and we were on our way. the three of us talked and laughed until we got to our apartment. my mother went inside and the "wife" and i went to get a cold dessert from the little ice cream shop across the street from where i stayed. ah, some quality time alone with the "wife". after a while my phone rang; it was my mother asking me to ask the "wife" if she would run me and my grandmother's gift over to her at the nursing home she was staying in. she said it was fine and after finishing our ice cream and stopping by the apartment to grab the flowers, we set out towards our destination.
the nursing home wasn't really that far from where we lived, maybe a five minute drive, so it didn't take us long to get there. truth is, my memory is kinda fuzzy on the next part. i don't remember if the "wife" was hesitant and i had to tell her i wanted her going in with me or if she saw i was going to need some help and got out to do that. in reality, it was probably a combination of both. i probably told her i wanted her to meet my grandmother and she could see i needed her assistance getting myself, with gift in hand, into the building. so with some effort we managed to get me out of the car and us towards the front door. we had only walked a few steps before i stopped in the middle of the parking lot. she asked me what was wrong and i told her nothing. and nothing was wrong; i had stopped because i'd suddenly come to the realization that this was another moment in our life together and how much i loved the life that we were trying to build; one as partners, as lovers and as friends.
we walked into the building, down the hall and towards my grandmother's room. when we entered, she looked up and smiled at me. i hadn't seen her in a while and it was good to after a exchange of pleasantries and introducing her to my girlfriend, we presented her with the flowers my mother had gotten for her. she thanked us for them and we began talking though it was kind of hard talking to her. we never had a real close relationship when i was growing up, probably because i lived in ohio and she stayed in alabama and we hardly ever saw each other; though it did improve a little when i moved to alabama in '99. i got to be around her a little more then, sometimes she would even drive me to work. but eight years later, seeing her stuck in a nursing home, fragile and frail; she wasn't the same person that i remembered and these weren't the memories i wanted to remember her by. a few more minutes passed when i remembered that the "wife" had somewhere else she needed to get to, so i prepared myself to leave by saying, "i'm glad you got to meet my girlfriend madea, i'm going to marry her one day." and in hearing those words from me, she smiled again, taking one last opportunity to smell the flowers we had given her while we were there. then i took the "wife" by the hand and bid my grandmother farewell, wishing her a happy mother's day as we walked out the door. we hadn't even gotten to the front door of the building before she asked me what was wrong. my face always gives away my emotions and i was pretty emotional right then. i told her it was just that seeing my grandmother wasting away hit me harder than i thought it would. she stopped, embracing me as tightly as she could and whispered everything would be ok into my ear. and i knew everything would. i told her i loved her, that i was thankful that she had come inside with me and that i had meant what i'd said to my grandmother. i was going to make her my wife..."
"how did we go from being strangers to being lovers; from not talking to talking again; and how do we go from what we are together to what we could be together?
"i don't know. and if i did i still wouldn't understand it. i have all the correspondence: every text message, all the chat dialogue, the letters; every word written since we said, "it's been a long time since..." and i still don't understand. i've read and re-read every line dozens of times; experienced what i was feeling when i wrote them over and over; and still can't comprehend how two people that dated for two months, three and a half years ago, share so strong a connection with one another. a bond that makes me wonder; in knowing that people throw around the word "soulmate" pretty loosely these days, could it be that that word actually applies to us? i ask myself when i said she'll always be my "yin", how accurate was that statement really? not towards the "always" part, i've never questioned that, but in the whole "yin/yang" concept? is she really the other part that makes up what i am? based on that last sentence it must be extremely accurate. because if "i've never questioned 'always'...", then how could i have ever denied that she's been the other part of me since she told me to "get my cousins off myspace" or doubted whether or not she would remain so until i draw my last breath.
a couple of weeks ago i posted that i was working on the blog and she asked if i was writing about her...
me: forse. che é buono o cattivo? (maybe. is that good or bad?)
her: e 'sempre bene (it's always good)
me: che é bene sapere (which is good to know.)
her: ma si sapeva già soooo... (but you already knew soooo...)
me: sooo...e 'sempre bello sapere che la persona per la vostra mente e nel tuo cuore pensa a te pensando a loro. (sooo...it's always nice to knwo that the person on your mind and in your heart is thinkning of you thinking of them.)
her: alcune cose non cambiano mai, e mai lo farò ;-) (some things never change, and never will ;-))
me: hai ragione. alcune cose non cambiano mai e mai lo farò. :) (you're right. some things never change and never will. :))
me: come questa cosa tra di noi. (like this thing between us.)
her: sì...sono d'acoordo con tale (yes...i agree with that)
me: siamo sempre. ask drake. (we're forever. ask drake.)
her: awww...i miei occhi sono perdite (awww...my eyes are losses)
me: perdite? i would've guess sudata. lol! fammi asciugare quelle lacrime. (losses? i would've guessed perspiring. lol! let me dry those tears.)
i said i don't understand us but maybe she does. at the very least this exchange shows me that even if we don't understand the how's or why's of this thing between us individually, we do recognize what we have collectively. i know how i feel about her and i know how she feels about me; i know the things i've written about this relationship and the things she's written about it, but yesterday when i wanted to ask her her thoughts on what we are now, based on where we started, in order to write this i couldn't; because i don't want to be a collaboration; i want her to read this and ask herself the same questions. and then when she wants to give me her thoughts on what i've written, and she will, i will be more than receptive to what she wants to say to me.
i titled this "steps to the altar" because i wanted to write about the times that i remembered that centered around us getting married; or at least the idea of us getting married. i thought i'd pen a few words about a couple of situations during our courtship and then wrap this piece up by writing about a future situation that ended with us walking down the aisle. but the truth is neither one of us knows what the future holds; for ourselves or for us. all i know is that when she wrote, "life-long 'partner'" and "straight attached at the heart and brain"; or when she told me that not only does she still have but she still sleeps in my "nirvana" and "pink floyd" t-shirts i left in a drawer at her house forty-two months ago; our future has to involve us playing a much more significant part in each other's lives than we did in the time after we broke up until the beginning of this year; when all we had were the memories of what we had been and the uncertainty of why "we" weren't an "us" anymore. and that whatever our future holds, it will be greatly influenced by the regret of that time lost and the past mistakes that we made. i know we're both intelligent people but are we smart enough to realize that we'd gambled and lost when we thought we were better without one another? are we smart enough to not let that happen again?
so no, it's probably best that i don't wrap this up writing about a future wedding; because we can't predict our future. but i do know that i loved her before; as i love her now. and i don't need a crystal ball to show me that my love for her isn't going to change. it hasn't since i met her. thus, every happening between us is potentially another "step" to the altar, or to the courthouse or whatever it is that we're meant for."
"i seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times, in life after life, in age after age forever." - rabindranath tagore
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