Writes..."Hello, My Name Is E'BoNick"

"dear future wife, or baby momma, or whatever title i've given to that someone i've mixed dna and created a life with,

this letter right here is just to inform you that i will be naming any offspring you have conceived with me. sorry, i hate to have to serve you a written letter but the truth is, i don't trust any of y'all with the responsibility anymore. so i gotta do it, gotta take the privilege away from you; i've seen too many monikers that made me think a person had been named after a rare strand of bacteria only located in central america; too many people named after hard liquors or fruity tropical beverages that are only served with umbrellas, and i can't allow that for any children i may become the father of.

i like pretentious names, err, names that seem to command a level of respect from their mere utterance; names that dignify; names that say "i'm a somebody", even if you aren't shit. my son's name will be a little showy, even if he is a bum; my daughter's name will be a little pompous, even if she is working the pole. and honestly, apostrophes and creative spellings don't tend to do that, isn't that right d'anthony? younique? somebody agree with me.

in conclusion, i'll be giving my children their names: three-name names; first, middle and last labels of importance.

sincerely,

brian alan wilson (that's pretty pretentious right?)"