Finally Finished..."Nicole Simpson Can't Rap...And Neither Can I...V"

"i long for a much simpler time
where way of life and piece of mind
to a younger version of me
when all i had was fantasy
when all i had was sanity
that me i had to leave behind
my city's small, my world is black
holding on? it's strength i lack
and courage too. i don't have much
heroic qualities and such
my hands, seem a poisonous touch
my tongue, constant for an attack
i walk darkened streets in despair
october winds have chilled the air
i pass the drunks outside the bars
my path, lighted by the parked cars
and yet, uncertain, like the stars
heaven, hell, i'm already there
any yet, i press on through the night
deserted streets, no one's in sight
i'm a sinner, a drowning pool
this life's a joke and i'm a fool
though i'm a dick, the assholes rule
but i survive, it's fight or flight
still i long for a simpler time
where way of life and piece of mind
because right now i walk alone
i walk alone 'cause i am alone
the only way i've ever known
my world's black but this world is mine"

again, all apologies to "real" rappers, i'm still just fucking around.

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them. just finished today.

Writes..."The First 100 Days"

"just like every president, the success of this blog will now be judged for its first 100 days in existence. i campaigned for the job of "primary contributor" on the platform of realness, that the things i'd write would be my own thoughts and that they would come from the heart. and based on those things i've already accomplished everything i wanted to with this blog. i've written things that i've laughed at and things that have made me cry, but in the end, my goal was to get some stuff off my chest and i've done that. and will continue to, as long as stuff continues to get on it."

Writes..."Top 10 Reasons Not To Date A "Brian Wilson"

"i don't even know why i'm writing this. wait, my girl natasha posted a thought with a similar title and the sarcastic side of me couldn't help myself, that's why. so let me see if i can come up with ten reasons why i'm relationship-cancer. hmmm.....

1.) i'm an asshole.

2.) i love too hard. (see #1.)

3.) i care too much. (see #2.)

4.) (see #1.)

5.) (see #2.)

6.) (see #3.)

7.) (see #1.) (seriously, did you see #1.?)

8.) (see #1.) (read it again...)

9.) (see #1.) (and again...)

10.) (see #1.) (now believe it.)

i did it. 10 reasons...aww, sarcasm."

Writes..."Does She Wish Her Fingers Were Mine?"

"it had been a long day and all she wanted to do was get home and out of the clothes that had been her restraints since early that morning, and as soon as she walked through the door of her home if she could help it. and as soon as she turned the deadbolt to lock the door, her suit jacket was unbuttoned and on its way to the floor. followed by a heel kicked aside and then the other, her skirt tossed on the couch and her blouse landing over the back of a chair. "whatever", she thought, "i'll get that shit later", as she walked down the hallway and into the bathroom. she turned the shower nozzle until the water was near scalding, which she felt was really the only temperature there was when it came to taking a shower. steam quickly filled the bathroom, and as she walked to her bedroom to remove her undergarments she thought about how stressful her day had been, and how relaxing letting her cares and worries leave her like the water cascading down her body would be. and she smiled. a hot shower was always the solution for a shitty day and today had been pretty shitty. so she took off her lingerie and made her way back to her watery sanctuary.

first, one foot and then the other, as she stepped into the shower. "wow, the water's perfect", she thought as it began its assault on her body. and for a moment, she stood there motionless, reflecting on the day's happenings as the water hit her. how dave the i.t. guy had pissed her off in the morning over some network problems the company she worked for was having. how a mid-morning meeting had run long and she had missed lunch, having to settle for a turkey sandwich and a banana out of the vending machine. how sally the secretary had made thirty copies of the wrong spreadsheet of financial information she needed for the next day. "let it go", she thought, "day's over", and her focus turned to me. because i'm usually what she thought of when she was shutting down the "work" her and going into "anti-work" mode. everyday, when she declared her day done, she thought of me. and she thought of us and what we had been. she grabbed her shampoo and squeezed out enough to wash her hair with. her eyes closed, she remembered the last time we'd attempted a shower together. "not much showering going on that time", she thought, smiling as she turned around to rinse the shampoo out of her hair. she opened up her eyes and i was there. her hair now "pantene-free", she turned to face the water again as she reached out for her vanilla-scented body wash and squirted out a small amount into her hand, working it into a lather. another thought of our last shower and i was behind her again, her hands became my hands and we were one once again. i started at her neck, planting kisses on it as i massaged the body wash into her skin, sensually with a lover's touch. moving on to her shoulders and arms next, then our hands slid to her chest, caressing her breasts and nipples, until they stiffened from my touch. she imagined the feeling of my fingers being replaced by my tongue and the sensation of having it pass over them. a carnal moan escaped from her throat. she had longed for my touch and right then the release that came along with it was what she craved. i slid our hands from her breasts, down her abdomen and onto her outer thighs, leaving behind my own private trail of sudsy circles on her wet body. she moved in such a way, she seemed to dance to a song that only she heard. i continued to wash her, her legs and feet, returning to get the back of her and then to her inner thighs. she opened up her stance a little more, allowing me access to a place i had claimed as my own long before. "bri..ooh...ooh...yes!" her hand...my hand...and thoughts of me, on her womanhood, slowly at first, gradually increasing speed. her breathing was erratic, excited, her words, incoherent. "bri...oh my god! oh my g...!" faster and faster, until her body exploded and she screamed out in orgasm. "yes...yes...yes!" and she collapsed onto the shower wall, unable to stand, her knees weak from climax. after a few minutes she regained her composure enough to turn off the water and exit the shower. taking a towel from the rack she dried herself off, wrapping it around her body as she turned out the bathroom lights and started towards her bedroom.

as soon as she entered her room the towel dropped to the floor. she crawled onto her bed naked, on top of tousled sheets and tossed-about pillows. the matching bra and panty set she once wore, crumbled in a black satin heap upon the floor. she was totally exposed and vulnerable, wishing someone was touching her in the places that excited her. wishing i was there touching her in the places that she'd already promised were mine and mine alone. at a time that i'd explored every inch of her body with lips, fingertips, and tongue and left an indelible impression of our passion scorched in her memory. a feeling she needed desperately to feel at that moment, a feeling she needed to re-create. she ran her hands along the length of her, slowly, from her breasts, down her sides and legs and back to her inner thighs, re-tracing a route i'd traveled before. but this time she was going to have to take the journey solo. this time i wasn't coming to replace her fingers with my fingers. i wasn't coming to blaze another path on her body. i wasn't coming...at all. i wouldn't be there to hear her moaning and mumbling nonsense when she reached her apex. i wouldn't be there to see the look of elation she had after her second, no, third orgasm and she was finally sated. i wasn't there, so the memory of what we had once been would have to be enough for both her and myself.

i always wonder when she's alone and her hands begin to roam her body, is it me she's thinking of? i wonder if she wishes her fingers were my fingers? i wonder if she wants me there with her? i wonder..."

Writes..."I Understand I'm Tired Of Understanding"

"i honestly think i use the term "i understand" more than i say my own name. "i understand", "brian", "i understand", "brian"...wait, i know i do. i don't even use my own name when speaking so i guess that was a bad attempt at an exaggeration. or hyperbole or whatever. people say stuff and i can appreciate their situation and the why's they do the things they do or feel a certain way about something. i can. and if i can't, i at least try to. life is hard and sometimes it's pretty shitty and i'd like to think that having someone at least attempt to empathize with them during that bullshit would make a person feel a little bit better about what they were going through.

but "i understand" is getting old. 'cause i'm always having to "understand" some shit that i'm not trying to hear. she says, "blah blah...(something i'm not liking)", i say, "i understand". he says "blah blah...(he's flaking on me)", i say, "i understand". be better, people. 'cause i don't know who "understands" what i'm saying to them when it's not what they want. "understanding" is tiring, no, i guess i'm getting tired of "understanding" stuff, is a more accurate statement. so "i understand" may have to be removed from my vernacular and replaced with "yep" or "gotcha" or some other term that can easily be perceived as asshole-ish. so now if she says, "blah blah...(bad stuff for me)", i counter with "gotcha, uh huh" and let that shit go. "understanding" is holding on and my arms are hurting and my fingers are slipping. so no more "i understand's" from me. fuck that. "gotcha" is the way to go now, even at the risk of looking like an asshole. and maybe i can get somebody to "understand" why it's come to this."

Presents..."Ichirei" by Jasmin Williams

"looking up into the warmest eyes l've seen in years, my arms slowly wind their way around his neck. my lips curve into a mischievous smile and i know he has the same idea. embracing each other after a long await reunion and it feels like we never left. like his arms have held me a thousand times before. this is the moment that we've both been longing for, that outlast any other moments we create. this is our ichirei."

Finally Finished..."A Time She Was Mine"

"i flashback in my mind
in my mind, in my mind
to the time you were mine
all the time in my mind

it's that night on the floor
it's that day in my bed
do you hear what i said
they flashback in my mind

when i thought they were dead
but i guess that they're not
i go back to the spot
to the time you were mine

i remember that night
it was right, oh so right
you and me, me in you
under stars and their light

night sky, the chilly air
with our hands everywhere
doing what my hands do
gently stroking your hair

to caressing your face
seeking out a new place
of my own on your lips
discovering its taste

we've got time so no haste
love at an lover's pace
your back, your waist, your hips
love in a private place

i remember these things
still longing for the time
you are mine, all the time
not memories in my mind"

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them. just finished today.

Presents..."Obey And Reward" by Jasmin Williams

"receptively my eyes adjust to the darkness of the cloth over my eyes, my ears move towards the sound of you breathing near my neck. we began this game so many hours ago and here we are still.... my heart beat quickens when i feel the static of your body so close to mine. please i say but your finger over my lips silences my mouth. this time i am still like water without a breeze and i am rewarded with a kiss so gentle my knees threaten to give out. and this is the game we play over and over, obey and reward."

Re-Writes..."Missing You"

"even in those first seconds of the realization of my leaving, i am overwhelmed by a sense of loneliness, a sudden rush of feelings of solitude. thoughts of abandonment, despair, hopelessness. wondering what makes me feel this way. why does distance bring about pain? i miss you then. at your front door, kissing you while you're barefoot. holding you in my arms. enjoying one last moment with you before i left. i miss you now. at the bus station terminal. sitting. watching the second hand, tick, tick, tick, on the wall above me. seconds pass. minutes. and my heart longs for you. and my thoughts remain frozen to our last encounter together. my lips on yours, our bodies as one, forever captured in an instant in time. and i am startled from these thoughts with the conclusion that i will continue to miss you until we are reunited and you are once again in my arms."

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them.

Presents..."For You" by Jasmin Williams

"even in the dark i can see you. i know your watching ready to pounce. my breath falls short when your chest presses against my back and your lip touch my neck. i feel the soft winding of your arms around my waist and the fluttering of your fingers on my belly. this is unreal and so delicious, my lips begin to throb with anticipation of tasting you. my eyes try to adjust in the darkness only to be covered. i feel myself spin and i'm afraid of falling but your hands are there holding me, leaving fiery prints on my body rubbing my hair and my lips, so sweet. your voice is so soft when you tell me you want me i almost don't hear. as i turn my head towards the sound of you, your strong hands pull my hair and i feel your lips and teeth on my neck, the sensation of your body so close drives me wild and i reach for you. dodging my grasp you lay me down and I feel your breath down my chest and on my stomach. the weight of you on top of me causes me to flow, sending electricity where it is needed and heat where it is desired. at last you bless my lips with a taste of you. i want nothing more than to consume as much of you as i can. you can have every part of me you want, just please me to no and give me you in return."