Writes..."The End"

"there'll come a time when i'll be finished; a time when i'll come to the conclusion that there is nothing else for me to write. then i'll drop the pen from my hand and actually start living."

Writes..."What Dreams May Come"

"i want a woman who doesn't dream about me; she already knows nothing she could possibly imagine while she's sleeping would be better than what we have when she's awake."

Writes..."Nuptials"

“love is a beautiful dream.” - william sharp

"at the front of the church, he stands waiting for her; in a moment so surreal she can hardly believe it's actually happening. she wants to pinch herself; she wants to wake herself from a dream that she's dreamed many times before but she can't. how do you determine reality from fantasy when the only thing you've ever wanted for yourself; that one thing that you felt would make your life complete; is before you? he’s the dream she’s had since she was a little girl; personified. he’s the future she wanted when she couldn’t fall asleep so she turned to staring up at the night sky; tears running down her face, wondering when she wouldn’t feel as alone as she did. or as tired from contemplating why she was. as she stands waiting to proceed down the aisle, she can remember times she would cry out to the heavens because it seemed god had forsaken her; not because it seemed her prayers were going unanswered, because it seemed they weren’t even being heard. she can recall nights where she felt so frustrated and so disheartened that she questioned herself; and she doubted the very person that she was. asking herself: “am i worthy?”; “do i deserve the dream?” she wipes away a tear that begins to fall down her cheek, knowing that those nights are distant memories to her now that the “dream” is waiting for her to stand beside him.

the organist starts playing and the people begin to stand but she remains where she is. she doesn't hear the music. everyone in the church watches her but she doesn't see any of them; she only feels one pair of eyes on her and they belong to the man she's about to promise everything she is and will ever be to. "no", she tells herself; because she knows that that statement isn't entirely accurate. she may be about to promise herself to him in front of all of their friends and family but she knew she had done so in her heart long before this day. she knew the day they met, when he smiled at her and she smiled back, that there was something more meant for them. she knew the first time he took her in his arms, placed her face in his hands and kissed her that they were destined for one another. and the first time he told her he loved her she knew that her heart was no longer her own; that giving it to him would be the greatest gift she would ever offer anyone. william shakespeare said, "who could refrain that had a heart to love and in that heart courage to make love known?" and today, in this moment, she is prepared to be more courageous than she’s ever been in her life. shortly, she will profess that love to the world and she couldn’t be happier about it.

what is love? i could take the biblical route and write that first corinthians 13:4 says "love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud". or i could use quotes from a couple of greek philosophers like plato or aristotle and say, “love is the joy of the good, the wonder of the wise, the amazement of the gods” or “love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." perhaps something poetic like saint augustine saying, “love is the beauty of the soul” or john keats with “i could be martyr'd for my religion --- love is my religion --- and i could die for that.”

but i won’t. they're all right; love is all of those things. but most importantly, i think love is knowing. love is knowing that in another person you've found a best friend to confide in, a partner to build a life with, a lover with which to share intimacy and passion. love is knowing that despite any situation that may befall them, any obstacle that may threaten to come between them; everything they encounter from this moment on is neither about him or her individually. that the life they’ll live will be a collective existence; where his weaknesses and strengths will balance out with hers; where his thoughts and feelings seem to be reflected in her and vice versa. on one accord, even when they disagree, because they both know disagreements are only transient; that the foundation their relationship is built on is based on more than the physical and more than the emotional. it’s about knowing that the love they’ve developed for one another is based on a spiritual bond. he doesn’t just love her because she has the most beautiful blue eyes. and she doesn’t just love him because he makes her feel the happiest she’s ever felt in her life. they love each other because some time, at some point, they both realized they were connected to one another; that being apart from each other was like missing the most vital part of themselves; and having experienced what they could be and still not being together was a fate infinitely worse than the lives they were living before they’d met.


love is knowing…love is knowing your heart belongs to another; and you’re both good with that.


as she stands beside him and the minister begins to start, she whispers into his ear, “i love you - those three words have my life in them”; truly blessed that this isn’t a dream she has to wake from.”

Presents...1 Year Of Blogging

"i've done the impossible...1 year of continuous blogging. yay me!!!"

Presents...Sophia Loren

"the reason i wanted to learn italian when i was younger."

Presents...Milestones

"two milestones for my blog...realized i've posted over 250 times and in 6 days my blog will be one year old. yay me!!!

Re-Writes..."The Walk"

"the other day i saw this girl at the mall that made me do a double take. i was in the music store, looking at some cd singles. i wanted a love song i had heard on the radio. the selection wasn't very good but i found what i was looking for. ready to leave, i glanced up and she was right across the rack from me. now i don't use the word "fine" very often, but this girl easily fit the, no, my definition. she was about 5'6" or 5'7", hispanic-looking, long black hair, wearing a tight, clingy summer dress. without even talking to her, 2 of the 5 b's i require of a potential mate were fulfilled. she definitely had a body, but her face was, no exaggeration, perfect. when i think of hispanic beauties like salma hayek, jennifer lopez, and penelope cruz, etc., this girl certainly belongs up there with these women, maybe even the top. she was fine. fine enough to make even the most timid of people, me, want to say something to her, maybe even ask for her phone number. but two big hispanic-looking guys were standing behind her, talking like they were with her, so i tried to sneak glances across the rack while pretending to still be looking for a cd. after a while, i realized the guys weren't going to leave the girl's presence, so i left the music store. i walked around the mall for a time and eventually i found myself walking out of the music store again. i looked up and saw a girl walking away. i recognized her immediately. and those two guys were nowhere to be seen. i was in a state of shock as she continued to walk away. i couldn't stop staring at her. there was something about her walk. it was perfect, 110% feminine. she had the perfect stride and armswing. the way her butt switched from side to side mesmerized me. like i said before, her dress was tight. the whole sight of her made me do something i've never done before. i began to follow her, soaking in her essence. it was nirvana, ultimate euphoria. i was almost completely zoned in to her, i almost couldn't see anyone else in the mall. then i heard my name. my mom was standing in front of me and the girl disappeared into a crowd. paradise lost in an instant. i still see the image of that girl walking in front of me. like i said before, perfect."



9-5-99

Re-Writes..."Die Hardest"

"i remember this dream i had one night after watching some action movies. it was wild. maybe it represents some kind of hidden aggression i have. anyway, it began like this. 'it was nighttime, sometime after ten, probably midnight. everybody in the house was asleep. my mom, sister and i lived in a place that at a previous time had been converted into several apartments, with each of us taking our own sections. my mom's section was the third floor, the attic of the house. my sister and i had sections on the second floor that were adjacent to each other. both my mom's room and mine had sides that formed the front of the house and had balconies. anyway, like i said, everybody was asleep in the house, unaware that outside a team of six terrorists were going over their mission objectives one final time before they were to make their assault on my house. they split into three pairs, each armed with an assortment of weapons and a target to eliminate. two pairs burst in the front door while the others circled to the back door. the first pair cautiously climbed the stairs to the second floor towards my sister's room, while the second team went past my room and up the stairs to my mom's room. the third team then made its way towards my room. as the two armed gunmen burst into my room, i was startled from a sound sleep. one of the men pulled out a gun and pointed it at my head. i didn't know why they were there but i knew they weren't playing around. he was just about to pull the trigger when his partner stopped him. he said he had thought of something more fun than a bullet to the brain. he instructed his partner to open the french doors leading to the balcony. once the doors were open, he dragged me to the edge and threw me over the balcony. i fell from the second floor balcony and hit my arm and back hard against the ground. my right arm was broken and the rest of my body was extremely sore. i could hear the gunmen laughing loudly, making jokes about they were going to do to me and the rest of my family, from deep within my room. i knew in order to save my family i had to get up while no one was looking down at me. i struggled to my feet and made my way around the house towards the back door. just then, the two terrorists that were after me noticed that i wasn't lying lifeless on the grass. they rushed down the stairs, waving their guns around, ready to shoot anything suspicious. they split up so they could more effectively search the downstairs. i clutched the stick i kept by the door tight to my body, as the red beam of a laser scope appeared on the wall next to me. yet somehow, i managed to remain hidden in the shadows. i knew i only had one chance if my family and i were going to survive. as the gunman walked past my hiding place, i leaped from the shadows and swung my stick as hard as i could across his wrists. the blow caused the gunman to drop to his knees as his gun spilled across the floor. i continued to beat him until he was unconscious. the stick in my hand was an effective weapon but the gun on the floor made the better choice for eliminating all the bad men in my house. i picked up the gun and put a single shot into the beaten gunman's forehead. suddenly, two shots lodged into the wall behind me. i fell back unleashing two shots, both to the heart of the other gunman. he fell to the floor with a thunderous sound. i picked up his gun and went upstairs to check on my family. the door to my sister's room was wide open and i could hear men laughing, talking about the fun they were going to have with my sister. one of them said he had to take a whizz and he was going to the bathroom. i could hear the bathroom door close as i entered my sister's room. her bathroom was separate from her bedroom. there was a room between them that was connected to the main hall. i slowly made my way towards the bathroom. the familiar sound of a man using the toilet filled the air. i kicked the door in and unloaded two slugs into the startled gunman's head. his body slumped down on the toilet. i then made my way to my sister's bedroom. slowly, i peeked around the corner to see another gunman standing over my sister, who was tied up in a chair. he was telling her all the awful things he was going to do to her. i moved closer to get a better shot at the gunman, but when he put his hand on her shirt, i became so enraged i shot the gunman until the clip in my gun was empty. the gunman's body fell over on my sister. she was about to scream, but i covered her mouth until she looked up. i untied her and told her to go next door and call the police and paramedics. she told me to be careful and ran down the stairs and out the front door. i exchanged guns with the dead gunman and made my way towards my mom's room. cautiously, i eased up the stairs until i could see the gunmen and my mom in view. one of the gunmen was sitting on the bed with my mom while the other one stood over her, waving his gun in her face. i continued to ease up the stairs until i reached the top and hid in the bathroom to the right. my view of the room was unobstructed. i could see the gunman standing over my mom start to get angry with her and raise his hand at her. she began to cry but he still slapped her. i'd seen enough. i stepped from the bathroom and fired two shots into his head, sending pieces of his brain splattering on the wall. the other gunman quickly grabbed his gun and pointed it at my mom's head, telling me to drop my gun or he would kill my mom. i did as i was told and released my grip on my weapon, letting it fall to the floor. he told me to stand on the balcony, facing away from him. i knew i was going to die as i felt the barrel of the gun press against the back of my head. he turned me around to face him as he put his gun back into its holster. he grabbed me by my arms and i yelled out. my arm throbbed in pain. he carried me to the edge of the balcony and began to toss me off. i grabbed his gun as he threw me over. and as i fell i began to fire bullet after bullet into the gunman until my gun was empty and i hit the grass below. the gunman's body fell off the balcony and into the neighbor's driveway. i couldn't move and the last thing i saw before i blacked out was the paramedics load me into the ambulance while the neighbors watched. it was very bright, the lights were blinding me. my mom said i'd be alright. my sister cried. the ambulance drove away." my dream didn't end right there but i don't want to continue right now.

8-20-99

Re-Writes..."Trust"

"who's in the pictures on your desk?
who is that guy bearing his chest?
and why is he the other one
who has his picture on your desk?
is he your man, tell me no lie
that wouldn't be fair to the guy
so don't tell me no if he is
and if it's yes, then i'll say bye
but you say no, it's never been
you only like him as a friend
a friend? sure he is, i've seen the
message that he's trying to send
but it's okay, we had a past
and maybe memories that last
and even though you still want me
put those days back in the past
can't be with someone i don't trust
in relationships it's a must
it could him or another
you'll make the object of your lust
so i guess we can never be
you go to him so i can see
that guy that is then stuck with you
i'd rather it be him than me"

1-30-00

Re-Writes..."Foolish"

"while you were sleeping, i was up thinking about us. why do i continue to put myself through this torture? i want you. i've always wanted you. ever since we met. and i've mentioned this to you on several occasions. but how do you respond? "i don't know about it" or "let me think about it". are you still thinking? here's what i'm thinking. if i were any other man i would have been with other girls while you considered us as a couple. and maybe, eventually, one of them would become more appealing to me than even you. but that's when you decided we would make a great couple and i was your completion. and when you told me, i would give my girlfriend a kiss and tell you i would think about it. but you know i'm not going to and you'd blown your shot. that's what would have happened if i was any other man. but i'm not. i'm foolish and stupid and still waiting for your answer. are you still thinking? think hard but think fast. because soon i'm going to be thinking about what may have been, while you're sleeping alone."

1-16-00

Re-Writes..."Unpetite"

"you and i, we had a past
relationship that didn't last
you know why but i'll remind
another guy grabbed your behind
when i tried to stop his fun
you said, "i'll stop him when he's done"
i walked away, couldn't speak
i knew our future was bleak
you're scandalous, ghetto ho
and now it's time for me to go
so go ahead, get with him
he's three of you, four times as dim
and as for you, unpetite
i found you there out on the street
treated you like royalty
and this is how you repay me
cheat on me, lies, deception
greet me with phony reception
i've caught on to the games you play
here's the last thing i'm gonna say
i'm through with you, i'm outta here
so pucker me and kiss my rear"

1-19-00

Re-Writes..."Games"

"if us is an game then i'm tired of playing
i'm through with trying to make us happen
i thought we'd be good for each other
i had hoped you felt the same way
but i guess you didn't
you liked stringing me along
me being your puppet and dancing for you
jumping through hoops like i was your pet
toying with my feelings for your enjoyment
"open up", you said, "share with me"
but you dismiss what i say
so i'm saying i'm done with you
find a new pawn for your twisted game
i've had enough"

1-3-00

Writes..."You Are Named After The Dog? Ha Ha Ha...!"

"it's not like i'm after some unattainable treasure, manuevering through life-threatening traps and surviving other perilous dangers, seeking out fame and fortune. i'm not "indiana jones" searching for a "lost ark" or a "holy grail". i'm just a dude who wants someone that wants to stand beside me, holding my hand as she proclaims to the world that she's with me."

Writes..."A Perfect Love"

"i've never claimed to be anything other than a regular dude; flawed and imperfect. but i've loved imperfect people with a perfect love by loving them with everything that i was; with everything that i had."

Writes..."Pop"

"i long for the sound of the audible "pop" that would come when my lips leave yours; it's that longing that sustains me until thoughts become actions and we share true passion through a kiss."

Presents..."Insatiable" by Jasmin Williams

"no matter how many times i get it i want more... there must be something wrong with me. every time i look in a book, or turn on the tv i'm looking for it. not a single man can cross my path un scanned. i can feel my skin heat up when the possibility is given to me in text or audio format. as a matter of fact i enjoy that much more than agreeing mutually. i like the possibility given to me as an ultimatum.. tell me what to do. i'm always looking for new prospects and always contacting old conquests. i'm insatiable, just try and douse this fire. i welcome the challenge and yet i'm undefeated"

Writes..."In The Night"

"it's the middle of the night and i'm laying under the sheets staring at the ceiling. my mind full of thoughts i pray i could let myself stop thinking; literally; which is saying something because i don't pray for anything. ever. but god's not listening to my cries; either he doesn't hear me or he doesn't see the tears that i shed over her. maybe it's been so long since the last time we talked that he doesn't recognize my voice anymore. or maybe he just doesn't care and i really am on my own in this life. i mean i say that all the time but what if it's truer than i actually believe it to be. what if i am alone and everything that can or will come to me is of my own making? what if there is no higher power? what if i am my own master; controller of my own destiny? i believe i am but my own sage? i hope not, i hope i'm not supposed to be totally dependent on myself for every answer i need for my existence because i don't really know anything. so i choose to pray. genuflecting; "our father which art in heaven...while my black ass suffers heartache down here on earth...hallowed be thy name...forgive a nigga for being lame...forgive a nigga for claiming something that he doesn't even fully understand". but maybe i shouldn't start my prayers like that. maybe that's a little too blasphemous; it does seem a tad condescending for a mere mortal, even to the person saying the words.

like i said before i'm wide awake but it isn't a surprise, it happens every time i try to spend the night with her. i lie there next to here while she sleeps, totally drained from the fucking i'd just given her; so exhausted she didn't even wipe away my seed as it ran out of her and down her leg. she simply kissed me one last time, told me she loved me and got her naked ass under the sheets. then she was gone to the world. and now that i'm thinking about that image, a slight smile crosses my lips; there's a sense of satisfaction in knowing that i put her to bed, both literally and figuratively. and more satisfaction in knowing she's dreaming about it now; as she stirs in her sleep she's making intelligible noises that sound like my name; her hands under the sheets moving along her body following the same path i'd traveled not long before. my presence is ingrained in her mind; she feels my fingers touching her even when i'm not there; she hears my voice whispering into her ears when i'm can't be near her. i'm as much a part of her as anything she's ever known has been and that's still not enough for us.

i can't stare into the black anymore tonight; i gotta get out of here. i pull the sheets off of myself and slide my legs over the side of the bed with as little movement as possible, as to not disturb her slumber. but the floor is cold, my feet instantly frozen; and i almost curse out loud but i catch myself and choose to mouth profanities at the darkness instead. i don't want to wake my sleeping goddess, even though she's drooling on her pillow right now. i search for my clothes; they're scattered all across the floor. we had started discarding them the instant we entered the room during our moment of passion and now they are in crumpled heaps on the floor. first, i find my underwear; and then my jeans. i look back at her seemingly lifeless body while pulling my "silvertab's" up and she's stretched out on her stomach, her ass slightly elevated and i begin to flashback to a previous time i'd had her in that position. and i want to touch her but i know better; all touching her would do is start another round of lovemaking; and while it would be heavenly, it wouldn't make it any easier to leave her when we were done. because i can't stay. i never can, even though all i want to be able to sleep beside her; to have her be the first thing i see when i wake up in the morning; to lay face-to-face in the bed, have her look into my eyes and tell me she loves me; to have her know that i love her and that she believes what i'm telling her with her whole heart.

and i do love her. despite feeling i need to make hasty departures during the middle of the night, i really do love her. and she knows it too, ask her. she'll tell you that from 9 p.m. to 3 a.m. nobody loves anybody any harder than we love each other. in fact, nobody has ever loved anybody else harder than we have. ever. i leave because i don't know how to love her the rest of the hours of the day. i pray because i can't figure out why it's so difficult for us to love each other during the daytime. i cry because loving each other shouldn't be as hard as it seems to be for us, especially when after the sun's gone down we profess to share the same strong feelings for one another.

grabbing my shirt after lacing up my "j's", i glance back at her and she's flipped onto her back. her nipples press against the thin sheet she lies under; the imprint of them visible from across the room and by the moonlight coming in through the window. another slight smile from my lips; i know she's still dreaming about me. perhaps a fantastical dream about us loving each other in the daytime as much as we love each other in the night."

Writes..."Wasting Time"

"i can't say i'm living without her because the truth is there is no living without her; only being. every day we're not together is another day passed i simply existed; another day having wasted the most valuable resource known to man. while our love was infinite; and our passion limitless; it was our time here that was fleeting. and with us both realizing that the time that elapses is time gone and once gone, gone forever. where's the urgency between us? knowing that i'm losing even one opportunity to tell her i love her; or missing a single chance to touch her face or place my lips on her own; should be an unbearable weight to me. i'm "atlas"; attempting to hold up the heavens but being crushed under the pressure of the bullshit in the air. i want her but i'm here alone. wasting time. being."