“true love suffers, and is silent.” – oscar wilde
“silent, huh? if you know me you know i love to quote oscar wilde, but…well, fuck being silent…
dear love,
what…the…fuck?! are you for real with this shit?! seriously?! ‘cause i must say it’s your fault i spend my days as a fuckin’ rodin statue. it’s all i can do to keep from massaging friction burns into my temples when my mind’s contemplating in philosopher-like thought exactly what the fuck is going on in my life. and it’s your fault i spend my nights sniveling like a bitch, crying rivers into my pillow because i don’t understand why the fuck you’re doing this to me.
i mean, is this usually how you treat a faithful disciple; someone who has spent his entire life dedicated to the belief in you? is this how you tend to regard someone who’s said, “i don’t believe in anything but love”? ‘cause that was me; those were my words; and this is what one of your followers gets for having uttered them. this is my prize for years of loyal service. not a bump in salary, not a promotion or title change; not even a corner office; you shit on a humble servant by allowing the only woman i’ve ever loved, to love somebody else more than she loves me. that’s my fucking reward?! that’s my fucking comeuppance?! thank you for that, thank you very much. you know what? fuck you love! fuck you!
(3o minutes later…)
i think i should apologize to you love; i’ve never really been a person who’s outwardly emotional and i think i allowed my feelings to dictate that prior message. i’m sorry for that, but you have to understand the position i’ve been put in. look at this situation from my perspective…
let me start like this… hello, my name is brian wilson, but you already knew that. anyway, once upon a time i loved a woman who actually loved me back. and in doing so, we’d used the word “always” to describe the love that we shared: as in despite any time that may elapse or any distance that may come between us, we’d “always” have that love connecting she and i. we’d felt what we had was transcendent and even today i don’t think either of us would dispute that thinking.
so you’ll have to forgive me for the beginning of this letter. because in believing that those things to still be true, it remains a bit difficult to accept that she chose another person over me to spend her life with. and that’s as genuine a statement as any made previously, or any feeling felt by me towards her. we’re supposed to be more…more than…i don’t know….more; we’ve both professed an undying love for the other, and even that love wasn’t enough to place her next to my side. surely you’ll agree having to hold on to that knowledge is a sufficient excuse, err, reason for the first two paragraphs. i needed to vent and while i don’t really feel any better about my situation even though i did, the language i used was inexcusable. again, i’m sorry. but now that you’ve seen things from my eyes, i hope what i did is at least understandable. i’m hurting because of this…still.
anyway, what else can i say? it is what it is right?
regards,
brian a. wilson
p.s. still a believer despite what i wrote. it’s who i am…but you knew that too.”
sometime around the beginning of '12. just finished today. i think.
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