Writes..."Birthday Wishes"

"she asked me if i had any wishes for my birthday; she wanted to know if there was anything big i could get that would make it special. i told her i merely wished for her to come to where i was and watch the sunset with me. she asked if that was all, as if my request was insignificant, but to me, concluding the day knowing i am in the presence of love is as good a reason as any to feel blessed i lived to see my 32th."

Writes..."Rants About...Wrestling"

"normally i wouldn't do this but i had a lot of thoughts on pro wrestling and i'm going to post them. my grandmother died while we were watching a wcw pay-per-view in '99 so i'll dedicate them to her."

first, i'm tired of john cena. seriously. he came in at the end of the "attitude era" hard like a wannabe eminem and he was good at that. but his act now is stale. look, i love america as much as anybody and i support the troops as well, but right now he's "hacksaw" jim duggan waving his flag; he's sgt. slaughter with wristbands. btw, didn't he get drafted to smackdown this year? has he wrestled on smackdown since he got drafted?

second, watching tna impact is like stepping into a time machine and going back to my junior year in high school. "hulk hogan, eric bischoff, jeff jarrett, sting, scott steiner, ric flair..." "who are dudes who should've retired from professional wrestling in 1996 alex?" i don't know if i'm watching current television or playing "wcw nitro" on my computer 15 years ago.

third, kurt angle... probably the most pure wrestler in the game today. but dude can't turn his head side-to-side anymore; he's suffered so much trauma to his neck. he should retire now or soon he'll be riding his motorized wheelchair down to the ring.

fourth, wwe tag teams... what tag teams? the champs are evan bourne and kofi kingston...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. i'm bored already. i'd almost rather watch another diva match than what the wwe is calling tag teams these days. almost.

fifth, wwe divas... i'd rather watch any, even the worst, tna knockout than the best wwe diva. kelly kelly is the champ, 'nuff said.

sixth, the last time i saw kevin nash on tna impact he was all gray. suddenly, he has dark hair on wwe raw. why the "just for men"? you're 50+, everyone knows it. accept it.

seventh, i like randy orton but his mannerisms when he's hearing "voices" are getting ridiculous. only in wrestling can you waste as much time as he does after knocking someone down and not then get your ass kicked.

eighth, i knew bryan danielson was the truth from reading about his exploits in "ring of honor" in "pro wrestling illustrated" like 9 years ago; but i don't remember seeing his picture then. so when he came in the wwe as "daniel bryan" in the first season on nxt i didn't make the connection at first. glad to see he's become a player in the major leagues now.

ninth, it's about time the wwe's using mark henry as the unstoppable force he should've been when he first came into the company 15 years ago. he = cain marko or "juggernaut" for those who aren't into the "x-men" like i am.

tenth, i love the cm punk/jona cena two champs angle but i think they rushed through too fast. first, they brought cm punk back too fast. after john cena beat rey mysterio for the title, they should've drawn out cena being the champ for months (like until survivor series) and then had cm punk come back claiming to be the "real" champ. more dramatic i think. but they killed that angle to push the cm punk/triple h storyline, which i like, i just would've saved it for next year. btw, with the cm punk/triple h match now being a "no dq" match at "night of champions", does anyone else already know that kevin nash is now going to interfere in that match? i've seen enough wrestling to be able to predict that."

Writes..."Nicole Simpson Can't Rap...And Neither Can I...XIV"

"i told her i loved her; she left me where i be
i told her i loved her; she ran away from "we"
i told her i loved her; she found a better me
i told one i loved her but i heard it from all three

so it occurred to me, i should shut the fuck up
keep "i love you's" buried and so far stuck up
my ass; they're brown-nosers; that means my words suck up
speak them to another would be for me to fuck up"

again, all apologies to "real" rappers, i'm still just fucking around.

Writes..."Nicole Simpson Can't Rap...And Neither Can I...XIII"

"they say i can't rap like i can't pen a word
like the shit i spit's not the illest they ever heard
but they see the glasses and wanna hate a nigga
for doing fractions and math 'cause i'm a nerd”

again, all apologies to "real" rappers, i'm still just fucking around.

Writes..."We Thinkers Nigga"

"if everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking." - george s. patton

her: “u think more than u live and im guilty of the same thing. you'll think yourself out of happiness or anything new or exciting in your life (things that u deserve) becuz u play the whole thing out in your head but u dont take the chance of just playing it out in real life…for better or for worse it makes us both.....(chicken)”
me: “i want to be a smartass and say something sarcastic but the truth is everything you just said is spot on. that's what i do and i'm a (chicken) for it. (crying face)”
her: "lmao!!! awww don’t (crying face).......i know it becuz i am it. but im desperately tryna change...why do we think so much?? im trying to use my thoughts effectively....as in im deliberately thinking good thoughts so that they will manifest good things. i believe our brains hav enuf power for that
especially yours....."
me: "you're a good thing and i think about you."
her: "stop living inside of your mind and live forreal
u think abt me???"
me: "that a serious question?"
her: "yes"
me: "yes, i think about you."
her: "ok good...i think abt u too and im glad that we are friends....that never has to change. when i talk to u i feel like im talkin to myself in the mirror
i call myself an alien and u are one too...i just hide my green skin and genius weird thoughts under flawless skin eyeliner and lipgloss lol"
me: "it is flawless though."

i know i've used much of this exchange of dialogue before but it doesn't change the fact that i think too much or i've already written about that. i'm a thinker; thinking's what i do.

t.i. should've been like: "we're thinkers nigga!!!", 'cause we ain't taken shit yet. if what she says is true and good thoughts manifest good things, then i was right to tell her that i think about her; 'cause she's the best thing. but we're too busy living life inside of our own minds instead of living life with our own hearts. thinking ourselves out of the happiness that we truly deserve; thinking ourselves out of the lives we want. well, the life we want begins with us together; time to stop taking shit."

Writes..."Nicole Simpson Can't Rap...And Neither Can I...XII"

"now, i've been called a "verbal pimp"; because i keep words as my hoes
i'm getting paid tricking them, and watching how the money flows
to make them use seductive lines, to dress them up in sexy clothes
is how i make them work for me, not shocking 'cause everyone knows

the saying goes: "is brian wilson gonna hafta choke a bitch?"
well, not really, i've been exposed; this is just me talking crap which
shows; true me is me being selfish; writing just to get me rich
"i guess that means that i'm supposed; to pimp words until rich becomes my niche"

again, all apologies to "real" rappers, i'm still just fucking around.

Writes..."Nicole Simpson Can't Rap...And Neither Can I...XI"

"she staring at a note of mine, wondering who i wrote it to
she asks me who it's devoted to; 'cause she knows my words do what poets' do
they're tributes to those i owe them to, sentiment to hold on to
lasting feelings last for all time, especially when i'm expressing mine"


again, all apologies to "real" rappers, i'm still just fucking around.

Presents..."Lover" by Jasmin Williams

"i love the idea of imagining your mine, belonging only to you. your warmth surrounding me like a womb keeping me safe and feeding me all the things you would have me experience. the thought of being in love with you creates a spark inside of my mind that ignites neurons long thought to be inactive, causing new scientific discoveries everyday that i belong to you. bring me back from extinction baby, discover my prehistorics and use them to your advantage. grow me in your heart and be in love with me too."

"no need to imagine baby, i'm here to make you mine; beyond the dreams i have of us when i lay my head down. where our connection's primal; and you and i, bestial. two bodies intertwined... tangled... forged into symbiosis. breathing life into one another every second we remain caught up together. where me in you's as involuntary as our heartbeats, and our movements's just as rhythmic. i can't dream anymore! it's too painful; to know you're mine in my fantasy but i not loving you in reality. belong to me; 'cause you belong with me. love me; 'cause we are love when you're with me. your love is the treasure i'll claim by my life; i stand before you desperate for you to profess to me the same." - me

Writes..."Baby Steps"

me: “...a new beginning begins with me.”
her: “i can’t believe how that just made me smile. if ur lookin for a blush i’ve got one for u:) a new beginning begins with u? i believe that to be true…maybe thas y i’m smiling huh?”

me: “do you really believe a new beginning begins with me?”
her: "i do… it kind of scares me tho”
me: “me too. but i feel like i’m better just knowing you think that.”
her: "good bcuz it’s the truth…”

"i'm not gonna be around forever. i'm not; and i have no qualms about that realization. people tend to take getting older for granted, but i don't; i thank god everyday for another day i'm still breathing. life is transient at best; you get a couple of years and you try not to waste them with trivial bullshit like unnecessary drama from unnecessary people. so i choose not to fuck up my time here. i'm on a mission; my own crusade of getting what i want. and i want her. question? if you found what you were looking for in another in this life, what would prevent you from pursuing them?

"im scared of this thing that we hav going on bcuz its so innocent and pure but i know deep down that we both want to taint it with love sex drama and kids lol! well i do at least...:-)" – her

me: “:) so we are gonna taint this right? lol!”
her: “i hope so lol!”
me: "i’m gonna need you to know so. lol!”
her: “lol!! ok…i know:)”
me: "that’s better."

her: "i wanna take it slow so that we don’t ruin anything"
me: "slow is good. i want you to be sure you want me. :)"

"i'm not gonna be around forever." when i first wrote those words i knew they could be interpreted different ways. one might think i was saying that we're wasting time not being together and i'm not going to spend a lot of time doing what we're doing. i guess someone could take that meaning from my words but that wasn't my intention in writing them; i only meant to point out that my time here on earth is finite and i won't be around forever. i know i want her; i know she wants me; and while there's a happiness that comes in knowing how we feel about one another, i believe there'd be a greater joy in acting on those feelings. i'm scared; and she scared; and because of that we could continue to delay and deny ourselves, perhaps even move on to other people due to the uncertainty of "us", but those things would be mistakes. letting fear determine "our" future would be a mistake. i'm an arrogant man, but i don't think it's an arrogant statement to say nobody has, or ever will, love her the way i do and will. love her harder may be; love her better definitely is. you know what?! fuck it! i'll say both of those things as well. i am that cocky! but me saying them and her believing them aren't the same thing. so i'll ask her...i'll ask her if she considers a word i speak, one lacking substance; or a word i pen, one without meaning; has she deemed words from me to merely be words? i hope not; i've never really been much for talking. i've been called "shy", "quiet", even "antisocial"...and at times i've been all of those things. it's just that i don't like to waste my words or the energy it takes to bring them to life. when i say or write something, i'm exposing my innermost thoughts and feelings to others; sharing a part of myself that i normally wouldn't. and even though i've written and spoken these words before; and even if this isn't something she's trying to hear right now; the truth is: i love her. period. and i won't say that i shouldn't, even if someone might, because i believe in love without limitations; it can't be defined by time or distance. she once said that she was scared of ruining our friendship by adding love and relationship to the mix; and while i can't speak on the "relationship" part without sounding like i possess the optimism of a hopeless romantic (which i am), i know that the "love" between us already exists. and i know that i've never had any problems with basic addition.

me: "when i said i wanted you, you asked me if i was sure. why do you think i wouldn’t be? and are you sure you want me?"
her: "yes i’m sure of what i want i jus want to take things slow bcuz i love our friendship an i jus wanted to make sure that u were sure wen i asked u lol!"
me: "and you want me? :)"
her: "yes:)"
me: ":) i want you too. we can take this slow, i’m not going anywhere. this bond is too important to me to rush us. :)"

but i understand what she's saying, though i see my recent past has given me a different opinion on what to do about "us". we'd wanted to be together but we waited and waited until there wasn't a "we" anymore; and i'm more afraid of that for us than i am of anything else; of losing out because we think we have more time than we do. she believes in fate and destiny; and she's said if something's meant to be you can't lose out. i believe in fate and destiny as well; and that we're meant to be; i just want as much time as i can get with her while we're both still here. "i'm not gonna be around forever" isn't an ultimatum towards our situation, it's the reality of our own mortality. we're born...then we die. and in the time between, we love; sometimes even loving the right person; and sometimes having that love returned equally; but loving nonetheless. if it's true that the things we are attract people to ourselves that have characteristics similar to our own, then believing that we've been drawn together for a purpose far greater than our own comprehension isn't unreasonable. neither is believing that this is our opportunity at loving the right person and having them love you back equally. this is our shot at being loved the way we deserve to be loved. but i won't rush her into an "us". we're already an "us", even if we aren't using a label for our relationship. we're connected in a way beyond friendship; beyond artist and muse. my two greatest assets are my brain and my heart, and she's in synch with both.

her: “lol! i jus watched this movie that reminded me of us..this guy was an artist and he kept callin the girl he was with his muse:)”
me: “you the girl i'm with? ;) hmmm...”
her: “i don't know...lol...u tell me!”
me: “lol! am i the guy you're with? ;)”
her: “well since were takin it slow..i'd hav to say that that's what i'm aiming for…”

"with every word i pen she falls more in love with me; so i'll write until the day she lets me catch her." - me

so if in loving you have to crawl before you walk, i'll take baby steps because what we'll become when we start running is the goal every person strives to attain. i guess in the end it doesn't matter how slow you are at the math, 1 plus 1 will always equal 2; so shouldn't 1/2 plus 1/2 equal what we're supposed to be together?"

Finally Finished..."An Afterthought"

"if a dude is ever a female's number one priority, he loses his position after she graduates high school. if he ever found himself on the same level as her schoolwork or her family or friends, that all changes the second her name was called and she walked across the stage to receive her diploma. and down the totem pole of importance he falls. well, actually up the totem pole; in native american culture, the more important it was, the closer to the bottom it was. the moment she has to start thinking about paying for her education, her priorities shift...then it's school, work, family, friends, stuff, other stuff, dude. wait, does she have kids? then it's kids, school, work, family, friends, stuff, other stuff, dude. which isn't wrong per se, a quality woman places her children above everything else, especially her man. i get that. and i understand it. but honestly, understanding it doesn't mean i like that it's seems like everything and everybody else come before i do. i don't like feeling like an afterthought."


sometime in early '11, just finished today.