Writes..."Hidden In A Drawer, Under A Stack Of Papers, Was An Envelope Marked For Her"

"when i died there hadn't been anyone to hold my hand as i passed on. no kiss to my forehead, no tears shed for me at my deathbed. i died as i had lived, alone and unremarkably. there was no hidden note to find declaring my feelings for a secret love. something that would be discovered and given to her so she could read my words and know how i'd felt about her. and she'd break down, realizing that she'd felt the same way about me. but i'd run out of time. i'd never gotten around to writing that note. i guess i figured there would always be an opportunity for me to put everything i wanted to tell her, everything i needed her to know about what i wanted for us, down on paper. that i wanted a life together, that i wanted her to be mine. but the truth is my death was just the finality of our situation. i mean, there had been no note to find because the feelings we had for one another weren't a secret. there was nothing to write that would have changed anything between us. i had known that she loved me and she'd known that i loved her and we'd had a shot at happiness for ourselves before and tragically let it slip away from us. and though we both moved on to other people and other things, i couldn't let the love i had for her go as easily as i'd let go of our relationship. can you really lose the love you have for that someone you feel destined for? can you really lose your heart? i don't think that's possible. but now i'm dead and it's too late for us and what we should have been. all because we'd wasted time trying to find the joy we had with one another elsewhere. my love for her is forever though my time here was finite. and without her, i'd died alone and unremarkably."

Writes..."The Wedding"

"as i stand next to her i realize her face is glowing. and that her smile is luminous. she's radiant, the light coming off of her is literally blinding me but i can't turn away from her. i mean i've seen her happy before, hundreds of times over things i considered nothings at the time. waking up next to her, a lazy sunday and wii with the kids, the infamous "booty dance". simple, seemingly nothing things that made her fall in love with me. but there's something different about her today. today i have no words for her beauty, poets greater than myself would fumble for words to describe it. homer wrote that helen had the face that launched a 1,000 ships in "the iliad". well i know the face before me launched at least one boat and i am truly blessed to be its captain. i place her hand in my own and vow to love her with everything that i am, giving everything of myself to her. that even my last breath on this earth would be a declaration of my love for her. and if it were possible to love her in death i would, that what we have together transcends our physical beings. that what we share is a spiritual connection. emily bronte said, "whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." and i echo those sentiments, hers and mine are the same. this thing between us is forever. i place the ring on her finger and she cries and i cry and we continue crying while attempting to wipe away each other's tears. and before the minister can say, "i now pronounce you...", i move closer to her and kiss her the first kiss of our lives together as one. then i wake up. because it seems my hell is finding myself in the wedding we never had. there had been a time when we wanted nothing more for ourselves. a time when i introduced her to people as my wife and she called me her husband. a time when nothing seemed more right. yet it didn't happen and now i'm forced to dream the dream, a life sentence not for crimes of passion but for crimes against it."

Presents...Me...II

b...



r...



i...



a...



n...

some shots of me...it's my blog.

Another Favorite Poet...Nicole Chavers

"my friend cole...i've known nicole since junior high. she's a talented writer. and she's the reason i started blogging. so if you see anything on here that moves you, she's why you just read it here. thank her. then check out her work @ http://lovenrandomness.wordpress.com."

Writes..."Why I Left Sinsinattie"

"i pretty much spent the entire month of december trying to get my affairs in order. due to all the stuff that had been going on at work and the fact that i'd gotten an opportunity to come home and actually spend a holiday with my family, i felt my time in the "queen city" was done. i'd been there eight years and had accomplished things that i'd only imagined possible for myself. i'd made friends, been in love, maybe even achieved my own spot in adulthood, things that i been real slow about doing in akron. but most importantly, i lived. and through my experiences i became a better man than i was before i came to cincinnati. so i don't regret the time i spent there. at all.

one thing i do regret though is that during my last month there when people asked me why i was leaving sometimes i would tell them because i didn't have any reason to stay. i mean there were people who cared about me and that kinda does seem like a slap in the face, a big extended middle finger. i mean, like i said, in eight years i had developed relationships with people, and whether it was an extremely strong friendship or just someone i spoke to occasionally, i can say that unlike when i was in akron, every person in my life was someone i'd personally put there. every relationship was based on me and that person. i can't tell you how many of the people i was cool with in akron because i knew somebody who knew somebody. i've never really been a people person. so most of my friends were basically relationships by association. but in cincinnati i tried to be better. i had no associations of my own there and knew i'd have to make my own friends if i was gonna have any. and i did that. i made lasting friendships and i'm proud of myself for it. so i really shouldn't have said i didn't have any reason to stay. i could've stayed just to be close to the people i care about. then i'd tell others that i was leaving because i wanted to be closer to my family. and there's truth to that, i mean the only reason i even came to cincinnati in the first place was because my mother was there and i needed to be close to her at the time. but honestly, i see her now just barely more now than i would if we were still in two different cities, though i'll take the blame for it. i see my sister about the same and my brother even less. so technically, we are closer in distance but really only in distance. and i could've stayed where i was and achieved the same result. so why did i leave cincinnati? because even though it was inaccurate to say i didn't have any reason to stay, the truth is i didn't have any woman to stay for. i mean if i had been in a relationship i wouldn't have even considered coming back home. i love my family but i wouldn't have left what i had in cincinnati just to kill a three and a half hour trip up i-71. i just felt like because i didn't have anyone special in my life that i knew wanted me to stay, there weren't enough reasons to stay in a foreign city by myself.

why did i leave sinsinattie? that's a good question but i think a better question is how do two people go from being happy and consumed by love for one another to not talking to each other in literally no time at all. i don't know. i've spent years trying to figure that out. there were things we were both going through, things that we didn't want to have the other person to help us to shoulder. i know that we can both rationalize our drifting away to not wanting to expose each other to certain aspects in our lives but we were in love and kinda missing the point of it. love means giving everything of yourself to another person, the good and the bad, and in wanting to spare each other the bad we failed each other. she told me i should have fought for her, that i should have fought for our love and the proud part of me wanted to take her words as her putting the blame on me for what happened between us but the reality is she's right. i loved her and i know that us not being together was a pain worse than anything i would have experienced because of her. from my perspective, i should have done anything i could have done, exhausted every option, to let her know that she was my heart and that i never really wanted anything in this life for myself but for us to be happy as a family. i should have told her. i should have let her know. i remember i'd written certain similar words on a picture we took the first day we ever saw each other. we'd spent the whole night before talking on the phone and i knew that the first thing she wanted from me was a hug as soon as she got out of the car. the picture said something like, "i knew from the moment we hugged for the first time that you were going to be my wife." i mean i wrote that within hours of having been in her presence for the first time. that's not something you just say about anybody, especially the first time you're together. and it's not something you just feel in your soul, like you were destined for this person. i still have the notes she wrote me, the chain with her name engraved on it. memories of her picking me up from work, wearing one of my t-shirts to bed, hitting home runs off her on the wii. her smile, her eyes, her lips on my own. memories of us together and then not.

why did i leave sinsinattie? i was kinda surprised when she asked me why i left her behind. i mean i know we shared a special connection between us. but i never assumed that she thought about me at all now. so i told her the truth, i didn't think she wanted me. then she said she didn't say that. which is also true. the problem is she didn't say anything. yet as much as i wanted to fault her for that, i didn't say anything either. we both fucked up. we had the thing we wanted in another person in each other and let it go so easily. and regretfully. so why did i leave sinsinattie? i guess i could say because i didn't know that sinsinattie wanted me to stay. or i could say i didn't know there could be anything for us again. but i won't say either. all i'll say is that my heart will always belong with the 5-1-3."

Quotes...William Shakespeare

"speak of me as i am; nothing extenuate, nor set down aught in malice: then, must you speak of one that lov'd not wisely but too well; of one not easily jealous, but, being wrought, perplex'd in the extreme…"

Presents...Muses

"terpsichore
thalia
urania
polyhymnia
melpomene
euterpe
erato
clio
calliope
you???"

Writes..."Nicole Simpson Can't Rap...And Neither Can II..."

"my names's brian, i claim quixotic
voice so smooth, it's deemed hypnotic
women who listen ear-gasm. causing wet, they body spasm
thinking of nights with me erotic"

again, all apologies to "real" rappers, i'm still just fucking around.

Writes..."Nicole Simpson Can't Rap...And Neither Can I"

"i wonder if love's from a place, not unlike a sewer
where roaches and rats dwell, a place that reeks of manure
yet it makes me quote keats, frost, moe syzlak too
'i've never felt this way before, it's like my heart wants to do her'"

all apologies to "real" rappers, i'm just fucking around. and thanks to outkast for "ear-gasm".

Presents...Me

working on some thoughts...

My Favorite Debater...Natasha Johnson

"stop making me think, my brain hurts! seriously, i'll forever be indebted to you. you push me to new heights with not just my writing but my life because you've always challenged me on my thinking and my bullshit. i called you "my yin" but that's not entirely accurate. yin yang represents seemingly contrary forces and we're not really opposites. more like two similar entities that compliment each other, ketchup and mustard i suppose. i don't know. like i said my brain hurts. one last point, and don't debate me on this cause i know you'll want to. i'm better for knowing you and thankful that we have each other to bounce ideas off of each other, even though when you disagree with me you're wrong."

Writes..."The Sitdown"

"i can't even remember the last time i'd been in her presence yet she's still a vision to me. standing before me for the first time in years, i find myself speechless. my mind racing to come up with adjectives for her while my mouth rambles incoherently. i think i say something that sounds like pretty and slurring another word that was probably supposed to be radiant but my brain and tongue just aren't working in tandem. she smiles as she thanks me for the compliments. maybe if i were keats i would say, "a thing of beauty is a joy forever: its loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness". or if i were emerson i would say, "never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is god's handwriting." but i'm neither and words are failing me. i ask her to sit while attempting to compose both my thoughts and myself. i'd asked her to come and now was the time to open my heart to her. i tell her i thought about her over the years, years where fate or destiny or whatever you want to call the whatever it was that had kept us apart. i tell her that i've kept the memories of her, the memories of us with me and that they're remained unaffected by the time and space between us. and again she smiles. a smile i've replayed in my mind a million times. she wants to know what i want from her, because so much time had passed and so many things have happened in both or our lives, why tell her these things now? and i ask myself what do i want from her? i mean do i have any right to want anything from her now? what if our opportunity to be together had passed long ago? what if the one time i reached to hold her hand years before had been the only time i'd ever have to hold her hand? if that time i pulled her close to me and brushed the hair from her face so i could look into her eyes had been my chance to tell her i wanted her to be mine? or the time she cried on my shoulder over a bad breakup had been my shot to let her know that i needed her in my life? so i tell her. i tell her what i want from her is the same thing i've always wanted from her. that i know that we've both loved and been loved, how at times we've loved love and hated love. that we've both fought love and been left scarred by it, yet we've also embraced love and felt the joy of it. but everything we've learned of love and experienced from it after we met has only served to lead us to the moment where i tell her that nobody has or will ever love her as much as i can. how i know she wants to be loved with a love that transcends feelings and words, a love that only i can give her. i tell her that i had feelings for her before they were feelings. that i loved her before i knew what love was. always have and always will. then i stand up to walk away because i'm not keats or emerson and i don't have any more words to use."

Writes..."Alfred Lord Tennyson Was Full Of Shit"

"i'm not writing a full complete thought about this, i just felt i had to say something. alfred lord tennyson wrote, "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." sorry, a.l.t. but i think that's the biggest load of crap i've ever heard and i hate using hyperbole. i have loved and i have lost and honestly, i'd have rather loved nothing ever than felt the way i felt then."

i just found what i based this on.

"they say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. we'll if you've ever loved and lost anybody you know how asinine that statement is. but i'll do that one better. there is something even worse. have you ever loved somebody that didn't have any feelings for you? somebody who would have been indifferent to you being nonexistent. unrequited love is worse than losing a love, you never had it in the first place. it's worse than never loving anybody at all because you feel things you wouldn't experience any other way. loving somebody is the greatest feeling life has to offer us. giving someone your heart is the ultimate gift."

sometime in '05 or '06, i wasn't dating stuff in this comp. book.

then i discovered something worse than unrequited love - forbidden love.

Quotes...Lao Tzu

"being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

My Favorite Poet...Sethlina Konadu-Agyemang

"sethie and i go waaaay back and her work's been phenomenal since the day i met her. check out her blog @ http://whateveritisletitbe.blogspot.com. if i was anybody i'd tell people she's easily my biggest influence in writing."

Presents..."Sonnet 43" by William Shakespeare

"when most i wink, then do mine eyes best see,
for all the day they view things unrespected;
but when i sleep, in dreams they look on thee,
and darkly bright are bright in dark directed.
then thou, whose shadow shadows doth make bright,
how would thy shadow's form form happy show
to the clear day with thy much clearer light,
when to unseeing eyes thy shade shines so!
how would, i say, mine eyes be blessed made
by looking on thee in the living day,
when in dead night thy fair imperfect shade
through heavy sleep on sightless eyes doth stay!
all days are nights to see till i see thee,
and nights bright days when dreams do show thee me."

My Favorite Quotes...IV

"if a thing loves, it is infinite." - william blake

"when i say, "i love you," it's not because i want you or because i can't have you. it has nothing to do with me. i love what you are, what you do, how you try. i've seen your kindness and your strength. i've seen the best and the worst of you. and i understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. you're a hell of a woman." - joss whedon

"i fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. and it's these things i'd believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn't all she should be. i love her and it is the beginning of everything." - f. scott fitzgerald

"...and that sin and love and fear are just sounds that people who never sinned nor loved nor feared have for what they never had and cannot have until they forgot the words..." - william faulkner

"death and love are the two wings that bear the good man to heaven." - michelangelo

My Favorite Quotes...III

"we loved with a love that was more than love." - edgar allan poe

"what comes from the heart, goes to the heart." - samuel taylor coleridge

"fill your paper with the breathings of your heart." - william wordsworth

"a kiss, when all is said, what is it?
an oath that's ratified, a sealed promise,
a heart's avowal claiming confirmation,
a rose-dot on the 'i' of 'adoration';
a secret that to mouth, not ear, is whispered..." - edmond rostand

"whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." - emily brontë

My Favorite Quotes...II

"the true man wants two things: danger and play. for that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything." - friedrich nietzsche

"the demand to be loved is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions." - friedrich nietzsche

"let no man think of me that i am humble or weak or passive; let them understand that i am of a different kind: dangerous to my enemies, loyal to my friends. to such a life glory belongs." - euripedes

"at the touch of love everyone becomes a poet." - plato

"i've already told you: the only way to a woman's heart is along the path of torment. i know none other as sure." - marquis de sade

My Favorite Quotes...

"i hate the day, because it lendeth light
to see all things, but not my love to see." - edmund spenser

"what is better than wisdom? woman. and what is better than a good woman? nothing." - geoffrey chaucer

"love seeketh not itself to please,
nor for itself hath any care,
but for another gives its ease,
and builds a heaven in hell's despair." - william blake

"life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved." - victor hugo

"how did it happen that their lips came together? how does it happen that birds sing, that snows melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? a kiss, and all was said." - victor hugo

My Favorite Author...John Grisham

"a time to kill", "the firm", "the pelican brief", "the client", "the chamber", "the rainmaker, "the runaway jury", "the partner", "the street lawyer", "the testament", "the brethren", "a painted house", "skipping christmas", "the summons", "the king of torts", "the bleachers", "the last juror", "the broker", "the innocent man", "playing for pizza", "the appeal" and "the associate ford county". 'nuff said.

Quotes...Oscar Wilde

"every saint has a past and every sinner has a future."

"women are made to be loved, not understood."

"there is no sin except stupidity."

"i put all my genius into my life; i put only my talent into my works."

"ridicule is the tribute paid to the genius by the mediocrities."

"if you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. if you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. such is the astounding stupidity of optimism."

"between men and women there is no friendship possible. there is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."

"women love us for our defects. if we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our gigantic intellects."

"the public is wonderfully tolerant. it forgives everything except genius."

"i can resist anything but temptation."

some of the quotes i've used from oscar wilde.

Writes..."Me, Kids And Women With Kids"

"it’s ten minutes to ten and i just woke to some shit i had to get off my chest. i need to go to sleep because i have to work tomorrow but… this may be a little jumbled up, i’ll probably re-write it later. forgive me, i’m sleepy. plus i tend to start thinking about one thing and end up on something completely different, as you’ll probably soon see.

i’m getting real tired of meeting a woman who has kids and i tell them i don’t have any kids and them saying "good". i’m sorry, why the fuck is that "good"? "good" for who exactly? i’m a good-looking dude that’s ridiculously smart with great hair, i mean i have appealing physical qualities. i have appealing character traits. did i mention how humble i am? i only say these things to illustrate my point that i don’t think me passing down a few of the things that i am to another person would be a crime or anything. some egregious, world’s gonna end, doomsday bullshit on my part because i decided to procreate. she says, "i have two kids." i say, "i don’t have any." she says, "that's good." i’m thinking two things. first, fuck you. and second, did she say that because now she knows i don’t have to devote half of my paycheck to child support? she asks if i want kids and i tell her i do and she asks why. and now she’s starting to irk me. i think, "did somebody interrogate your ass before you’d laid down with some dude and made babies?" but i stay calm and tell her a family is the only thing in this life i’ve ever wanted for myself. when people asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up, i told them "a parent". why the fuck wouldn’t i want kids? no, why does it seem like women think i’m an asshole because i do. they’re cool if you show the slightest bit of interest in their kids, then you get the "you’d make a good dad" speech only to followed by the "i want to have your baby but i got my tubes tied and blah blah blah"…i’ve already stopped listening by then, i’ve heard that shit way too many times before. i want my own kids. i want to experience everything that comes with bring someone’s dad. i want to place my hand on someone’s belly and say, "that’s me, i did that son." lol! why? because i don’t want any more out of life than anybody else does. i just want the basic things, get born, eat, sleep, fuck, give somebody else a shot to do the same, die when you get them grown. i’m good with that.

but then my thoughts deviated to god. i was thinking i’m not a weirdo because i want kids, there are other people who want kids as much as i do. i thought of this. i know two people, one is in her forties and all she’s ever wanted was to have a baby but she’s never been able to bring a baby to term. i don’t even want to imagine what she’s going through but i know that shit would be eating away at my soul. i know another woman who had five kids by five different dudes before she turned twenty-five. i’m pretty sure having kids didn’t consume her the way it did the first lady but she kept fucking and kept getting pregnant. these women’s situations led me to think about what people would say about god’s involvement in their lives. i don’t mean their personal relationship with god, believe me i’m not the one to question anybody else’s walk, i mean, how people would justify god allowing the woman who didn’t need any more kids to keep making them and the one who wanted kids childless. seems kinda cruel. then i thought of something. life’s a big ass football game and god’s an official like johnny grier or ed hochuli. (the fact that i actually know some officials’ names mean i watch too much football. lol!) you live your life and when bad things happen you can throw your red challenge flag. god goes to the replay booth and watches it but in the end god doesn’t reverse the call. god simply lets play go on. maybe god’s a basketball referee. god lets the play (life) get physical without calling ticky-tack fouls. i guess my point is god would rather observe then be the cause of the outcome of the game. i’m tired."

Writes..."Platonic Relationships...II"

"i finally had to write this down. it was something i never wanted to admit to myself but it’s probably the truest thing i’ve learned in my life so far about relationships with women. i’ve got to say it, no matter who may be offended or surprised that these are my thoughts. ok, here it is, still on the subject of "platonic" relationships. if you, as a guy, ever come to the conclusion that you, for whatever reason, will never have any physical contact with a particular female and you’re not good with that, you need to seriously think about whether or not you want to continue that relationship. i think dudes form relationships with women, not necessarily with the intent on fucking every one of them but holding on to the idea that there is at least the potential for some intimacy if that relationship grew into anything. now, i wouldn’t consider myself to be anything close to ho-like but there comes a time when you say i built up all this equity in a relationship where nothing’s ever gonna happen so what the fuck am i doing here? "platonic" must mean mutually agreed upon. i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have even written that shit. i feel lame for writing that word. "strike that last statement from the record your honor." for guys there is no platonic relationship. if a woman wants a relationship with a male with no possibility of physical intimacy, she should talk to her brother. i could say more but i’ll end this thought with one last statement. i’m to the point where i’d rather a woman consider me an asshole for walking away from our relationship then continuing to treat me like i’m her gay male best friend.

apologies for any breaking of man-code laws with this thought. but i’m no fucking eunuch!"

Writes..."Platonic Relationships..."

"the majority of words in the english language are gender-neutral. but "platonic" isn’t one of them. "platonic" is a woman word. because even in the seemingly most innocent of his relationships with women, a man would never use the word. trust me, i’m a man and i’ve never used it. if i’d never heard females say it, it’d just be another word in the dictionary."

Presents...Some Pics From "The Ingenious Hidalgo Don Quixote Of La Mancha"

Writes..."Love Personified"

“if i didn’t believe in love i wouldn’t believe in anything. and if i didn’t believe a man could love a woman with everything that he is i wouldn’t be me.”

Writes..."The Top Of The Stairs"

“i’d been watching her from the moment she descended towards me and now i understood. she’d been a part of my past but i’d never really seen her before. yet now she was in my presence and she was radiant. and i realized i had to go before i was comsumed by her. i’d finally seen her for what she was and she was truly special.”

Writes..."When I'm Gone"

“when i’m gone all they’ll say is that i gave everything i had to the only thing i ever believed in. that i had loved harder than anyone they’d ever known. that i had been their dream, personified, because they’d experienced my touch. that they’d known these things and had felt these things. but they’ll only say these things when i’m gone.”

Writes..."Valentines"

“where’s my valentine at? i long for the electricity that comes when our fingers brush. the heat that i feel when our bodies touch. again i ask, where u at?”

Writes..."A Valentine's Day Poem"

"roses are red
a deep crimson hue
why am i writing this poem
when i’d much rather do

the things to your body
that would fill you with desire
so the tips of your toes
would feel like they’re on fire

your breathing would be ragged
still you’d whisper my name
you’d be feeling the passion
i’d be feeling the same

but i’m keeping this short
let me end on this note
forget a rose or a violet
dwell on the words that i’ve wrote"

Writes..."The First Commandment Of Love"

“loving somebody is the greatest feeling life has to offer us. giving someone your heart, the ultimate gift.”

Writes..."In Dreams"

“only in my dreams. i realize that only in my dreams can i have you all of the time, all to myself. reality brings obstacles that stand in the way of us being together as much as i would like. so i dream a lot. because being with you, even if it is just in my dreams, is what i live for. which makes me yearn for the time we can spend together. and makes me dream about you when we can’t.”'

this is an exerpt from my thought "dreams".

Writes..."Leaving Me"

“she had to go even though i wanted her to stay. our moment had passed and unlike in my dreams, i couldn’t hold her forever in my arms. or kiss her for all eternity. our reality was she had to go and i had to let her, even if it killed me inside.”

Writes..."Our Love Being More"

“i’m not gonna tell her i have shoulders for her to cry on, or i’ll wipe away her tears. i’m not gonna tell her i’ll be her everything, or i’ll be her “superman”. what we have is above clichés and song lyrics. what i will say is that i’ve waited my entire life to kiss her. to hear her whisper, “i love you” into my ear. everything before’s led to this moment, where the dream’s become our reality.”

Writes..."She's My Star"

"i stand behind her and point at the sky to the brightest star we can see. i tell her that even on the darkest on nights that star illuminates luminously for us. but even as it shines brightly, its glow pales in comparison to her. she’s my star. when we’re apart, i think of her light in my heart. when we’re together, i think of her heat on my body. i hold her in my arms, pleased to have my own star."

Writes..."The First Time I Held Her"

"she’s the woman i desire. she walks up to me and the time we’ve lost disappears. regrets and mistakes are gone, in that moment all we have is each other’s passion for one another. i hold her close to me, close enough that i can’t tell the difference between our heartbeats. i hold her tight because i can’t let go. i won’t let go. not this time."

this is an exerpt from my thought "muse".

Writes..."Wanted: Her"

“i want a woman i can’t touch and she wants a man that can’t hold her. and i actually feel physically ill writing this so i’ll stop after one last point. love is for the strong because weak people can’t handle it. it tests every part of you, literally. and that’s mine so don’t try to steal my words gandhi or confucius.”

Writes..."Women Are Changing Me"

“i’ve always been a guy who believed in love. meet someone, fall for them and decide you want to spend your life with that person. but women are changing me. i’m at the point where i’m saying “if you want to fuck, ok but then you got to leave.” i’m tired of all the bullshit that comes with being with someone. and when a woman asks me why, i’ll read off a list of names of females who were full of shit.”

Writes..."Being A Go Getta"

“you ever had a situation in your life that demanded an answer? i mean like you were given an opportunity to rectify past mistakes and you felt compelled to find out how things could be different. i liked a woman a long time ago. i like her now. i can’t do anything about the past, that’s done. but i gotta know what’s up now. i gotta.”

Writes..."What I Want"

“i’m a complex man with simple tastes. a pizza, peach faygo, the company of a beautiful woman, a sunset. i’m good.”

Writes..."Sweetest Day"

“i got no woman so i’ll spend this sweetest day wishing people would stop telling me to be patient because there’s a woman out there for me somewhere. what exactly is the alternative to patience? and i hope that woman loves the asshole i’ve become due to all this waiting.”

Writes..."My Own Family"

"i want my own family, man. i’m tired of having to acclimate myself into the household of every woman i try having a relationship with. when they end, tired of goodbyes to kids i’ll never see again. tired of baby daddies. tired of drama. this shit is getting old."

Re-Writes..."Ad Astra"

"i rarely have feelings like this. you know, the times in your life when you have those sentiments towards someone you can’t explain. and you can’t describe because words seem to lack the depth you think these feelings require for meaning. so i don’t even try. not even to myself. it’s no use attempting to put my feelings into words. as beautiful poems. or romantic love letters. what i feel can’t be relayed onto paper. it can only be felt. it can only dwell inside me, consuming me with a passion that burns within my soul. in a way i have always hoped to be. but even though this is what i’ve always wanted, and should be hedonic, having these feelings for you is also burdensome for me. because before i could feel like this and keep it to myself. i could deny my emotions and deny my desire for you, living in negation. not being happy. not feeling wanted. just existing, all alone. but now i realize that not telling you what you’re doing to me would not just be a crime against love, it would be a crime against myself. refusing to acknowledge my heart could quite possibly be the greatest sin i could ever commit. and i’m not willing to do that. to spend my life wondering what may have been. agonizing over wasted opportunities and foolish choices. being overwhelmed with an exigency for being with you, but just allowing this longing to serve as my contentment, though i’m not satisfied with that. still, i haven’t been able to tell you how i feel about you. and how you’re always on my mind. and how i think about the little things about you that have captivated me, such as your eyes. you see, at night while you’re sleeping, i spend hours observing the heavens. because i’ve found the stars and your eyes shine with the same brilliant radiance. and since i have a quixotic nature, i gaze at the sky in order to recall memories i have of your eyes. memories of emotions i sensed from them. memories of how you’ve looked at me. the feelings we shared in a momentary glance. the completeness i’ve experienced when staring into them. and stars seem to represent those same attributes, hence i recognize an intimate connection between them and myself. so i watch them glow fervently, their bright light a perfect contrast to the pitch blackness of the sky. wondering if any one star above me burns with the intensity my being does for you. but i already know such thoughts are unfounded and that none of these celestial bodies even has the capacity to. my love outshines a thousand stars and is a million times hotter. and yet, the stars inspire me, particularly in the way i feel about you. they strive to burn forever, undeterred by any obstacle that may stand before them. as do i. thus, i find comfort and assurance in such perseverance. holding the lessons learned from them close to my heart. believing that my love will last eternally, burning as hot in days of the new as it does now. still consuming me with an unwavering passion. and an immense desire for you. still leaving me wanting you as i do today. worried that these feelings will overpower me until i can no longer take it and am drowned by them, as the stars seem to be in the vastness of the sky. surrounded by darkness and the mystery that is the space between them. yet somehow, there is a promise of hope in even the smallest of stars, as a guiding light to a wayward soul. even when one’s life is shrouded in doubt, they serve as luminous beacons, flashing through the mist from a sea of obscurity. which is why i don’t just look to the stars. i believe in them. because stars share some of the best qualities that love, or at least the idea of love, has to offer. optimism in uncertainty, direction in vacillation. the propensity to subsist infinitely. not just a desire; a need, an intense hunger to sustain its own existence. born with the instinct of survival, the idea that it is essential it last forever. created with the ability to fade, but an unwillingness to let itself die. a star. my love for you. linked by conspicuous similarities. at least, that’s the notion i cling to. and keep in my heart. so that’s what i think at night when i’m alone. when you’re dreaming of the things that make you happy, the things that infuse that sparkle in your eyes, i’m watching the heavens and witnessing the same magnificence in a star."

sometime in '00 or '01.