"it’s ten minutes to ten and i just woke to some shit i had to get off my chest. i need to go to sleep because i have to work tomorrow but… this may be a little jumbled up, i’ll probably re-write it later. forgive me, i’m sleepy. plus i tend to start thinking about one thing and end up on something completely different, as you’ll probably soon see.
i’m getting real tired of meeting a woman who has kids and i tell them i don’t have any kids and them saying "good". i’m sorry, why the fuck is that "good"? "good" for who exactly? i’m a good-looking dude that’s ridiculously smart with great hair, i mean i have appealing physical qualities. i have appealing character traits. did i mention how humble i am? i only say these things to illustrate my point that i don’t think me passing down a few of the things that i am to another person would be a crime or anything. some egregious, world’s gonna end, doomsday bullshit on my part because i decided to procreate. she says, "i have two kids." i say, "i don’t have any." she says, "that's good." i’m thinking two things. first, fuck you. and second, did she say that because now she knows i don’t have to devote half of my paycheck to child support? she asks if i want kids and i tell her i do and she asks why. and now she’s starting to irk me. i think, "did somebody interrogate your ass before you’d laid down with some dude and made babies?" but i stay calm and tell her a family is the only thing in this life i’ve ever wanted for myself. when people asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up, i told them "a parent". why the fuck wouldn’t i want kids? no, why does it seem like women think i’m an asshole because i do. they’re cool if you show the slightest bit of interest in their kids, then you get the "you’d make a good dad" speech only to followed by the "i want to have your baby but i got my tubes tied and blah blah blah"…i’ve already stopped listening by then, i’ve heard that shit way too many times before. i want my own kids. i want to experience everything that comes with bring someone’s dad. i want to place my hand on someone’s belly and say, "that’s me, i did that son." lol! why? because i don’t want any more out of life than anybody else does. i just want the basic things, get born, eat, sleep, fuck, give somebody else a shot to do the same, die when you get them grown. i’m good with that.
but then my thoughts deviated to god. i was thinking i’m not a weirdo because i want kids, there are other people who want kids as much as i do. i thought of this. i know two people, one is in her forties and all she’s ever wanted was to have a baby but she’s never been able to bring a baby to term. i don’t even want to imagine what she’s going through but i know that shit would be eating away at my soul. i know another woman who had five kids by five different dudes before she turned twenty-five. i’m pretty sure having kids didn’t consume her the way it did the first lady but she kept fucking and kept getting pregnant. these women’s situations led me to think about what people would say about god’s involvement in their lives. i don’t mean their personal relationship with god, believe me i’m not the one to question anybody else’s walk, i mean, how people would justify god allowing the woman who didn’t need any more kids to keep making them and the one who wanted kids childless. seems kinda cruel. then i thought of something. life’s a big ass football game and god’s an official like johnny grier or ed hochuli. (the fact that i actually know some officials’ names mean i watch too much football. lol!) you live your life and when bad things happen you can throw your red challenge flag. god goes to the replay booth and watches it but in the end god doesn’t reverse the call. god simply lets play go on. maybe god’s a basketball referee. god lets the play (life) get physical without calling ticky-tack fouls. i guess my point is god would rather observe then be the cause of the outcome of the game. i’m tired."
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