Writes..."The Sitdown"

"i can't even remember the last time i'd been in her presence yet she's still a vision to me. standing before me for the first time in years, i find myself speechless. my mind racing to come up with adjectives for her while my mouth rambles incoherently. i think i say something that sounds like pretty and slurring another word that was probably supposed to be radiant but my brain and tongue just aren't working in tandem. she smiles as she thanks me for the compliments. maybe if i were keats i would say, "a thing of beauty is a joy forever: its loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness". or if i were emerson i would say, "never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is god's handwriting." but i'm neither and words are failing me. i ask her to sit while attempting to compose both my thoughts and myself. i'd asked her to come and now was the time to open my heart to her. i tell her i thought about her over the years, years where fate or destiny or whatever you want to call the whatever it was that had kept us apart. i tell her that i've kept the memories of her, the memories of us with me and that they're remained unaffected by the time and space between us. and again she smiles. a smile i've replayed in my mind a million times. she wants to know what i want from her, because so much time had passed and so many things have happened in both or our lives, why tell her these things now? and i ask myself what do i want from her? i mean do i have any right to want anything from her now? what if our opportunity to be together had passed long ago? what if the one time i reached to hold her hand years before had been the only time i'd ever have to hold her hand? if that time i pulled her close to me and brushed the hair from her face so i could look into her eyes had been my chance to tell her i wanted her to be mine? or the time she cried on my shoulder over a bad breakup had been my shot to let her know that i needed her in my life? so i tell her. i tell her what i want from her is the same thing i've always wanted from her. that i know that we've both loved and been loved, how at times we've loved love and hated love. that we've both fought love and been left scarred by it, yet we've also embraced love and felt the joy of it. but everything we've learned of love and experienced from it after we met has only served to lead us to the moment where i tell her that nobody has or will ever love her as much as i can. how i know she wants to be loved with a love that transcends feelings and words, a love that only i can give her. i tell her that i had feelings for her before they were feelings. that i loved her before i knew what love was. always have and always will. then i stand up to walk away because i'm not keats or emerson and i don't have any more words to use."