Presents...CM Punk

"normally i wouldn't post about pro wrestling or the "wwe", as it don't seem to fit the general theme of my blog but fuck it, this is my blog. i will keep this short though. after watching the final six minutes of the june 27, 2011 episode of "raw" i came to the conclusion that "cm punk" was, without a doubt, telling the absolute truth when he said he was the best wrestler in the world. and i say this based on two things:

number one: a sports entertainer's greatness is judged by his or her skills, not only in the ring but also on the mic. and i've never questioned how good "cm punk" is at either of those things. i mean if i were rating him 1-5; with a 1 being "david otunga" and a 5 being "kurt angle" technically; or with a 1 being "shelton benjamin" and a 5 being "the rock" verbally; "cm punk" would get 6's in both. he's as suberb a technical wrestler as anyone i'm ever seen and honestly, there are only 3 guys i even want to hear do a promo: "cm punk", "the miz", and "randy orton". in terms of in-ring ability combined with his way of firing up a crowd with his words, he's really in a league on his own in both aspects.

number two: i've watched pro wrestling since i was kid and after a while, if you've seen enough of it, nothing really surprises you anymore. there are no new storylines you haven't already seen; no plot twists you don't expect. you pretty much know what's gonna happen before it happens because you can weed out the real from the bullshit. but after "cm punk's" promo on monday night's "raw" i, a seasoned veteran of pro wrestling viewership, was like: "what the fuck?! was that for real?! and truthfully, i still don't know. so i will say this. if his rant was real and he's really leaving "wwe", "raw" will barely be watchable. he's the best heel in the company. and if his rant was scripted and merely an act, then he just cut the best promo i've seen "dwayne johnson" was on the mic in the "attitude era". either way, "cm punk" is the truth...no offense "ron killings".

internet says the "wwe" suspended him due to his promo...and "wwe.com" has taken him off the website. but if he was really leaving after his championship match at the "money in the bank" pay-per-view july 17, why suspend him instead of firing him? hmmm...makes me think."

Writes..."Everybody's Got One"

“i can be an asshole of the grandest kind…” – alanis morissette

me: "...i'm good with looking like me. ;-)"
female friend: "yeah, and i guess a little confidence goes a long way, no woman wants a man w/low self esteem. do u, that's the only way."
me: "that's what i keep saying. i'd rather have a woman think i'm an asshole for being arrogant than dislike me for being insecure hence the signature." (at the time my texting signature was "@rrog@nt@sf**k")

“you can say that these are arrogant statements to make but saying they’re arrogant statements made by an arrogant man won’t make them any less true. first, i ain’t shit (and don't claim to be). second, i don’t claim to be shit ('cause i ain't shit). third, i don’t got shit (no smartass comment there, that's totally accurate). but wait, those aren’t really arrogant statements; and even profanity and bad grammar couldn't make them arrogant. they’re simply true statements, but they're not arrogant. (i'm using the word "arrogant" too much.)

and yet i’m still a commodity. i’m ice water to a man in hell; no, to a woman in hell. did i just say that? "the devil made me do it!!!" thanks uncle flip (we’re not really related). i’m gold at 400 dollars an ounce; i’m oil at 1,000 dollars a barrel. now that’s more like it, that’s the kind of cockiness i expect from myself…about myself. i'm a commodity because i'm me and nobody else is. i once posted one of my own quotes on "fb": "i'm not even the best me i can be yet and i'm still a better me than anyone else will ever be" and people "liked" it but i don't think they realized what i was really saying or just how arrogant i meant those words to be. so let me clarify...i'm me, flawed and imperfect; lacking; and i'm still better than anyone else striving to be more than what i am. a brash commentary? maybe a little. can't help it though. it's what i am (said humbly).

a self portrait...( ! )...figure that out (hint...i'm the point of the exclamation mark)."

Re-Writes..."B5"

"i'm looking for a girl with b5. b5 is something i made up. it's taken from math where the b stands for different descriptive words that start with b and the 5 because there are 5 b words. the 5 b words all make up equal parts of the girls, hence why the 5 is written as an exponent. the 5 b words are: brains, beauty, body, bible and beethoven. let me explain. first, brains. i said they were equal parts but this is the one i desire the most. i want someone i can talk to. stupidity annoys me. second, beauty. and i mean a beautiful face. sometimes a beautiful face can be found on a less than beautiful body. but it's the first time you see so it counts for something. third, body. like a beautiful face, sometimes a great body has a less than great feace. but a girl shouldn't let her body get in bad shape. fourth, bible. i want a girl who believes in god and goes to church. spiritually keeps me grounded while others soar into space. and last, beethoven. i know it sounds weird. i say beethoven because i want a girl who believes in the arts. theatre and classical music and literature. things that prove humans have evolved enough to appreciate others' creativity and expression. here are the b5. where is the girl with them?"

sometime in '99 or '00

"when i read this as i was typing it i could really tell how young i was by my thinking. not that the idea wasn't sound but i can really tell how much more evolved i've become 12 years later; not only as a person but as a writer. i'm thinking i may want to redo this thought in '11 to show that growth."

Writes..."Unfukwidable"

"i caught an idea from a commercial for the latest james patterson book. they were describing it as "unputdownable"; and i thought that was an awesome new made-up word. "this book is so good, it's unputdownable!!!" so in the spirit of that, "arrogant" me felt i needed a word to describe my talent with a pen. people are gonna say, "did you read what brian wrote? he can't be touched when it comes to his way with words. he's unfukwidable!!!" yeah, i like that; i'm unfukwidable!"

Finally Finished..."10 Loves"

"there is a woman at the beginning of all great things." - alphonse de lamartine

“i’m thirty-one years old and i’ve loved women in those thirty-one years. one, two, ten…who knows? well, i know and ten sounds about right. but for some reason i can't determine if that number’s high or low or good or bad; to me it’s just a number of women that i've loved. sometimes i wonder if ten’s a lot, or a little, or i don’t know, a significant amount of women to have loved by the age of thirty-one. because there are times when any number seems an exorbitant amount of people to say you’ve loved before your hair start graying. but my hair’s already graying so i guess that’s not the best correlation between age and love. and that ten is made worse when you consider the huge gaps of time that went by in going from one love to another. there have been times, stretches that have lasted years, where i loved all of them; but none of them in actuality.

and i don’t just mean physically loved either, i mean felt feelings for; felt happy being with. i mean i had to think if i had even kissed all of them and i haven’t or hadn’t or whatever. never held some of their hands; never shared a romantic moment with; in fact, i never even told some of them. i guess i figure that when i discovered for myself what i thought love was, there have been women i have felt it for. i love these women for helping to mold me into the man that i am. they all taught me something about love, what i believe about it and how it shaped who i am today. every experience, positive or negative, was one i needed in order to become better that i was. and i can say that after having been with each woman, i became better due to the lessons i learned from them. i recognize i felt something more than friendship with all of them. i’ve come to realize that if i can imagine myself with a life that includes a woman as my partner, i love that woman…because that’s a hard thing for me to do. my goal’s forever and it’s often difficult to see myself and another person together that long.

but based on the criteria that i gave, ten isn’t really a lot for someone who has always been geared more towards having his own family than living the single life. so what i thought i had ten possibilities at the future i want? until i get that future the number’s probably gonna go up. eleven…twelve…twenty…who knows how long it’s gonna take?"

sometime in '10. just finished today. i think.

Writes..."Sex In "Jeopardy""

“i’m relaxing; it’s 7:30 and “jeopardy” is about to come on and i look forward to “jeopardy” every day. i’m a beast at it. truth is, i'm a beast at a lot of stuff but i'm exceptional at dusting others at a game where knowledge of seemingly trivial people and dates is paramount to winning ridiculous amounts of fake money to flaunt in their faces. and for some reason there's something particularly satisfying about having someone admit defeat and quit playing me before the first commercial break.

me: "i would like 'losing at games' for $200 please."
alex trebek: "people do it when they play you in jeopardy..."
me: what is 'give up'?"
alex trebek: "that is correct!"

in high school i never really sucked at sports but i never really was a star at any either. i didn't really did well with the ladies; actually, i never really did anything with the ladies. i was a nerd and still am. but if knowing stuff other people didn't was my arena then i was the baddest gladiator in the colosseum. i was russell crowe before russell crowe was winning oscars for being me. so i say when bruce springsteen was singing about "glory days", my verse wouldn't have been about baseball or getting laid; it would have been about my exploits at "academic challenge". "smart" wasn't what i was as much as it was what i did. and i did "smart" well.

me: “'jeopardy question answering beasts' for $1,000 alex.”
alex trebek: “the best there is…”
me: “who is 'me'?”
alex trebek: “correct!”

i'm wearing a black suit with silver pinstripes, a white shirt and a silver tie that accented in white and red, with the matching handkerchief. i'm right; and my answers are as correct as i am. question after question, category after category; i'm ringing in and taking the points. it's so bad someone in the audience yells "steve spurrier" at me; like i'm running up the score; like i'm the "old ball coach" and this is an early 90's florida/tennessee game where i'm up 40 and still going for 2-point conversions. i'm not...but i have noticed that the woman contestant to my right isn't even holding her signaling button anymore. guess she said, "fuck it, i'll take the two grand". and the man to my left, whom i refer to as "jim tressel", looks like he's about to cry all over his sweater vest; he's so far in the negative he won't even get to see how the show ends. it's bad; a thorough ass-kicking for both. did i mention this is my arena?

me: "'inventive suicides' for $1600..."
alex trebek: "the method by which your fellow contestants will kill themselves after this humiliating experience..."
me: "what is 'hanging by jeopardy buzzer cord'?"
alex trebek: "we'll see!"

all i see are feet dangling, then a navy pump fall to the ground; i’m daydreaming…until i'm startled back to reality by the sound of her calling my name. standing before me, my own goddess in an immortal's attire: matching black bra and thong set. black's my favorite color and she goes hard in it; and i get hard, err, go hard for her.

me: "'immature sexual innuendo' for $2000..."
alex trebek: "the cartoonish sound a growing tree in your pants makes..."
me: "what is 'boi-ing'?"
alex trebek: "i've seen her too. boi-ing indeed."

but she looks incredible in any color and i'd still be getting scraped by my zipper regardless of what she was wearing, or its hue.

she straddles me while i lie on the couch, licking her lips as she brushes the straps of her bra over her shoulders and “jeopardy” is soon forgotten. with the remote in one hand, she turns off the television while the other unhooks her lacy top. slowly, it slides down onto me and i quickly sweep it to the floor. i reach up to touch her but she grabs my wrists before my hands can get to her breasts and she places them on her hips. i lean up to kiss her but she pushes me back down forcefully. she stares into my eyes and hers tell me that she's in control; there's an intensity in them that i've never seen before. they burn with desire; a focal point of a passion that seems to radiate throughout her entire body. i move my hands from her sides in an attempt to take off my shirt but she shifts forward and whispers into my ear to leave it on. my pants too. reaching back, she searches for my zipper and upon finding it, she unzips my jeans and pulls my erection through the front hole of my boxers and out into the open, but never letting go of it. she's a contradiction of words and actions; she strokes my length lovingly but she's spewing the filthiest language into my ear: nasty things like how she's gonna ride me all night and how she's gonna make me scream her name. she's wild; alternating between dropping 4-letter bombs into and licking my ear. she's turned on; the trail of saliva on my lobe confirms it. her focus shifts from my ear to my neck, biting and nibbling as she continues grinding on me. her thong is so drenched, the lower half of my t-shirt looks like i just came in from the rain. suddenly her oral assault stops; and she raises up to look me directly in the eyes. she mouths "i love you" at me and i mouth it back at her. and in that moment, we both know that no more words are needed. this is what we both want. and we want it now. so with almost no movement, she adjusts her body into a comfortable riding position. she doesn't even take her thong off, she simply moves the fabric to the side and places me inside of her.

me: "'current events' for $800..."
alex trebek: "the greatest feeling in the world..."
me: "what is 'me inside of her'?"
alex trebek: "i'm sorry, that's incorrect. the correct answer is 'what is knowing the woman you love loves you back'?"

like i said, i'm a beast at "jeopardy", but even i don't get every answer right."

Writes..."Twin Souls"

"me: "would you consider there being an "us"?"
her: "yes wud u?"
me: "i already do."
her: ":)"

“fate loves the fearless.” – james russell lowell

"a person can let the fear of potential pain and heartbreak prevent them from experiencing something that could make them truly happy. but the truth is if you really want to be happy then the promise of being happy has to outweigh the idea that you could get hurt." – me

“i agree wholeheartedly...if u want to be happy u have to be willing to put that idea in front of your fear.” - her

our own words...about our own sitaution.

she says she'll be gone by next year; that there are too many memories here, the lasting kind, and that the bad ones outweigh the good. she's ready to leave; ready to start a new life...with a new person...in a new place. she feels it’s time to close this chapter and begin another; so i've got six months to convince her that a new beginning begins with me.

me: do you really believe a new beginning begins with me?
her: i do… it kind of scares me tho
me: me too.

so i pray...

“dear god,

i’m guessing it really doesn’t matter what you call it: fate, destiny, whatever; there are no coincidences right? i mean it’s not insane to believe that everything that happens to a person in life happens for a reason is it? so feeling that us re-connecting now was preordained and that the relationship developing between us was meant to be doesn’t make me crazy does it? i think that life is a “choose your own adventure” book; where turning to page 37 to do one thing or page 45 to do another determines the path you choose to get to the end; but ultimately, the story’s already written. you’re born. you do stuff. you die. you know, “circle of life”...”hakuna matata”…some other “disney” phrase (please don’t sue me). i was born. six months ago i met a woman that i already knew but didn’t really know; and found out that she’s more me than anyone i’ve ever met. and i’ll die eventually; but hopefully between now and the day my last breath escapes me, there’ll be a lot more pages to flip though. i’m only asking that you to direct me to the page that puts her and i together so i can jump there now and avoid any pages where my story ends without her. amen.”

“love is not in our choice but in our fate.” - john dryden

a couple of weeks ago i went to my bible study where the topic that day was marriages; basically we went over a guide that, through seventeen principles, explained how to sustain a successful christian marriage. there was actually only one married couple there, a young man and woman in their early 20’s, and during the session our conversation meandered a little into the area of finding a partner and how to determine whether or not that person was the “one”. and because they were the only ones currently married, everyone eager to hear their story of dating and courtship and their personal thoughts about their union. they shared with us freely; when the young wife mentioned that she had recently engaged in a debate at work over whether or not a person only has one other person in the world that can be their “soulmate”. she said it had gotten pretty intense and now it was stuck in her mind; and she was interested in the rest of the group's opinions on the subject. but i just sat there and pondered the question to myself quietly while they discussed it; i really didn’t know what to say. when i was younger i believed that everyone had a “soulmate” but i never remember thinking that in a world with over six billion people that your “soulmate” could only be one of those six billion people. and as i’ve gotten older i’ve discovered through my own experiences that if you spend a fair amount of time with anyone you’ll find at least one appealing quality in them that will attract you, even if you weren’t initially drawn to them. and that one attribute can be enough to bring you and that person into a more intimate relationship, even if that intimacy only evolves into consistent pleasantries between the two of you instead of the “she may speak/she may not speak to me today” kind of interactions you’re used to. they say “familiarity breeds contempt” but i say it breeds kids as well, if you get too close. so theoretically, couldn’t you determine anyone you spend enough time with to be your “soulmate”, at least potentially?

even i’ve tossed around the term “soulmate” once or twice in my life; maybe being a little more cavalier when using it than i should have been when i did, but never feeling like i didn’t mean it when i said it. not either time. i don’t tend to waste my words, especially when it comes to the ones i use when describing how i feel about a woman. and because there have been times when i believed that a “she” and i could have labeled ourselves as such, i’ve said it and “she’s” echoed it back at me. and once or twice i’ve used “always” and “forever” along with “soulmate” to form a sentiment i’d thought perfectly expressed us. when i loved “her”, it was “always” has and “always” will; for now and “forever”. “we belong together…”; “we belong…”; “we…”; well maybe not, so i’ve been forced to acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, i’ve been a little lax with how i’ve used those terms in the past. because i’ve had “soulmates” before and they were “always” and “forever” but now i want something more; just saying the word or penning a line isn’t enough any longer.

"twin soul"..."when god created your soul he split it into two parts; male and female; so it's the unity of one soul in two bodies. that is what people are searching for in life...the other half of their soul." – her

more prayer...

“dear god,

it’s me again. i wondering if it is a little premature to feel like i don’t need to look for my other half anymore? you know my heart, so you know i’m totally serious when i ask that; though there is some part of me that wants to break out in a verse of a “survivor” song. “…the search has come full circle; our destinies are one…(in my 80’s power ballad singing voice); sorry about that, i am serious though. based on this connection between us, would i be wrong for thinking that we share the soul that you divided long ago? because i could read off a list of criteria twin souls have that we exhibit if you think it would help me to justify believing like i do. standards like: there is a special sacredness to your relationship that transcends anything you've ever experienced before or when you look into the other's eyes, you see yourself. i could do that. or i could share some of her dialogue to me; i won't share mine because you already know how i feel about her. in my first thought on her she wrote: “i don’t understand how someone cud capture anothers spirit without really even knowing them.” well i don’t understand either but maybe it’s because her spirit and mine are the same. maybe when i wrote that thought i wasn’t writing about her as much as i was writing about us. “…she remains steadfast because she still believes that somebody, somewhere, is traveling the same road she is. and she’s right, even if she can’t see him yet.” maybe it's us following the same path and now i'm starting to come into her view.

but i won’t do that either god. i won’t bore you with a checklist on things that i feel connect us or speculate on how she might feel about me; i’ll just end this talk with one last point. when i saw the twin soul symptoms and how many fit us i couldn’t believe it… and when she read my first thought on her and how well i “got” her without really knowing her she couldn’t understand it… all i know is that when she and i interact, everything is right. when i'm talking to her...when i'm thinking about her...when i'm holding her hand: everything is right. and i love that feeling. i’ve used the phrase “the relationship between two people that needs not explaining” to describe us before but what if it rings truer than i know? what if “we” need not explaining because this thing between can’t be explained? maybe defining “us” in words is merely an act of wasted time and energy; but defining “us” in life is the greatest joy i will ever know. so i'm thanking you in advance for this opportunity at happiness for us. i mean "us". amen.”

“and when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other's sight even for a moment." - plato

when i write i’m spilling my guts, so i wonder if bleeding all over this piece of paper has told her anything she didn’t already know about how i feel about her? i hope not...i hope i'm not that guarded with my feelings. she's said she loves reading my words because they give her a glimpse into my heart; and she'll cry when she reads these words because then she'll see what my heart wants to tell her. she once said, "i wud love to read how u feel…i hav a feeling that if i can’t read it…u won’t tell me and ill never know. well, this is how i feel; this is my heart in print. i want her because i need her because i love her. or i love...honestly, you can place those three words in any order and that statement would still be true. the future is "our" future together; the present is "us" getting there. so is there anything she still doesn't know? maybe that i believe that we are twin souls, that she's the other half of me, and that i believe that with everything that i am...but i think she already knows that too."

Writes..."Dimes To Dollars"

"i feel like sometimes i give u my words and they leave my mouth as dimes but when they get to you u turn them into dollars" - myūzu

"she misses love and she has for a long time. she longs to feel the way she felt when a love had been new; when there were butterflies in her stomach and it was hard for her to concentrate on what she was doing because of that feeling; when a hand held her face while a pair of lips pressed against her own and a gentle touch traced a path along her naked body. and she's finally gotten to the point where she is willing to admit it to herself; finally had enough of pretending to be happy and fulfilled. she'd denied herself by denying love and a life of denial wasn't enough to satisfy her any longer. she misses love...not because a life without love isn't worth living; because a life without love isn't living at all.

her words become my thoughts...a lover's currency spent."

Writes..."Settling"

"...otherwise u may hav to just settle for me..." i'm glad she wrote "lol" after that because that statement...because it's so outlandish i almost burst out in laughter when i read it. settle for her? nah, there is no settling for her; because one doesn't settle for perfection. if she had said, "otherwise u may hav to strive for me...then i would've understood; one strives for what she is."

Finally Finished..."Candide"

"today it's come to my attention that an opportunity to be with someone i liked a long time ago may be possible. i'm intrigued by this but i can't help but think of the lesson i learned from "candide". voltaire wrote about a dude who wanted a chick, waited years to get her, got her and then realized how "blah" his life with her was. and how maybe he shouldn't have spent all those years pining over a woman that he'd find out didn't exactly wow him. but maybe blah's the wrong word, in the end he realized that he was content with her. maybe being content with someone is enough. when they were younger he thought she would make him happy. but reality taught him that the fantasies he had of them being together were indeed fantasies. and with the illusions erased, contentment was all that was left. but i am not feeling that. i don't want to be content with anything; i want to be happy. so i'm left with this question. if my situation and this guy's are the same, would it be better to leave this opportunity alone? i mean, i'm a pretty smart guy. wouldn't it be a safe assumption that the thoughts i used to have about us are unrealistic and that it may be better to let these thoughts remain what they are? thoughts."

sometime around the beginning of '10. just finished today.

Writes..."Closer"

"if the anticipation of the next word i've written makes her heart beat faster, i want to be close enough to her to feel its pulsations when she's reading a thought that i've penned about her." - me

"even though the anticipation of his next word sends sparks into my all around consciousness.. being near is a lightening storm waiting to be born, while i sit biting my lip until the sting of the pen has subsided and my rhythm has returned to a comfortable gallop... and breathe" - jasmin williams

Writes..."Kids"

"i asked her if she wanted any more kids, because i know she has kids and knowing a woman with kids wants more kids is kinda important to me, especially after my last few relationships. and she says only if she were having my kids. ummm...ok, i'm skeptical now; this isn't the first time i'd heard that from a woman. so i ask her if she wants to have my kids because i don't have any kids or because she thinks i will be a good father to her kids and am hit with silence...well, a pause, but in my eyes they're the same thing. she answer both and i tell her thanks but no thanks, i don't need her doing me any favors. this isn't the first time a woman has said that to me either. if you have kids and you don't want any more, i get it, believe me. if you decided you'd had enough and are done, i understand but if you don't want any more kids, don't say you want to have my kids. don't want more to placate me because of what i want.

i want kids, preferably some that are half-me; i want someone who wants the same."

Writes..."My Name"

"my son; we call him "big baby b", or "3b" for short, though his name isn't brian; in fact his name doesn't even start with a "b". his mom knew i wasn't going for naming my kid after me; i've always felt like a child loses a part of himself when he doesn't have his own name. i got enough of that shit growing up and i only have my dad's name as a middle name. why should he have to share my name? people already know he's mine; he looks like i spawned him myself. i want him to have his own identity, something that's his own. it's "3b" because of his "big baby belly"; his stomach's so round he reminds me of a buddha statue. my son; with his own name; has a buddha belly. which is actually less like me and more like his grandfather."

sn...this is a picture of my nephew.

Writes..."Hard And Easy"

"i listen. i encourage. i love. thus, i don't really think i'm a hard person to love. so why does it feel like i'm a easy person to leave?"

Writes..."Big Brown Eyes"

"i'm at church and already seated as a woman carrying a newborn on her shoulder sits down in the pew directly in front of me. with big brown eyes the baby looks at me. and i look at her. we stare at one another for a second and then she closes her eyes and falls asleep. then i understand; i know why i'm here and i know what i want. but sometimes it takes big brown eyes to confirm it."

Writes..."My Prayer"

"dear god,

in all the years that i have known you and developed a relationship with you, you know that i’ve never asked you for anything for myself in my prayers. ever. it almost seems arrogant to think of myself when we talk; there is so much tragedy in the world, so many people suffering; how can i be so selfish as to come to you with such trivial matters as my own wants and desires? i ask you to excuse the fact that i’m merely a man, and though i was made in your image, sin has corrupted me. i am flawed and imperfect; truly less than what you would have me to be and yet you love one so unworthy without fail and without hesitation. i thank you for that love. i thank you for your mercy and your grace. forgive me for being what i am...lesser, when i should be more."

Presents..."He" by Nicole Chavers

"he gets inside those places
deep inside my mind that
i’ve long needed stroked
places ive tried to get him to come to
but never able to fully connect the the right angles
he delves deep in me
he inspires me in a way thats more intrically connected than him.
intimate spaces
he brings life to dark corners and
untouched territory
verbal intercourse he gives me
his thoughts distracting me when im with him
i hear his words….
and wonder how deeply he could get into me if i let him go
and explored the possibility of building us.
for now i lay beside him
safely
but
even miles away he is right in between us"

Writes..."When Angels Cry"

"all god's angels come to us disguised." - james russell lowell

“she’s laid out on the bed, her arms and legs extending far over the edges. she’s been in this position for hours but it was at 2:51 when she finally came to accept the fact that sleep just wasn’t coming for her this night. her body’s exhausted but her mind won’t stop racing; every night’s been the same since our first contact in more than a decade. call it fate or destiny or whatever: we’re connected and it’s the mystery of that connection that keeps her awake at night. she can’t explain it and i can’t explain it to her. but there's something between us, something that defies logic or reasoning, that's drawn us together after all these years. we both have an affinity for my writing; she loves words and the kind that i commit to paper are infectious: spreading throughout her mind like disease and leaving poetic feelings in her heart incurable. and as she thinks about the man behind the thoughts penned about her, she’s surprised to notice her nipples have hardened and now press against the fabric of her tank top. and surprised that her thong is wet and the area surrounding her becoming substantially damper; saturated enough that she decides to abandon her bed and the spot she’s left on it. she arises confused and frustrated and excited; her thoughts of me have never inspired this type of reaction from her body before. she walks towards the door of her room leading out to the balcony, discarding her clothes to the floor along the way, when she observes that the tank top and the underwear she had been wearing are both black. black...she knows black is my favorite color and she wonders if subconsciously she’d picked this particular set to wear due to some influence i have over her. she smiles to herself as she dismisses that idea and continues on her way over to the door. she opens it and the chilled night air quickly envelops her naked body. she stands there exposed and vulnerable and she suddenly realizes that’s exactly how i’ve written her. she recalls a time when i had sent her something i had written she’d been the inspiration for; just a few words to let her know that i felt she was a subject worth devoting the stroke of my pen on. and remembers that when she’d read what i'd written, she’d become overwhelmed by the sentiment i'd relayed towards her in my work. crying; with first a single tear falling from her eye, and then another; though at that time she had shed them more for the past she had lived than from a thought she had read from me...but tonight is different. tonight, as she stands naked out on her balcony, the tears she sheds are for these words...

"in this time of us re-connecting i try not to think about the time we wasted not really knowing one another when we were younger; the only thing gained from that is an appreciation for us wanting to be better than we had been. yet while i hold that appreciation close to my heart, especially when considering the relationship developing between us, it really sucks to know that there have been times when we could have been there for one another in our individual times of need. it's easy to think that based on what we know about one another today, that i am a person she feels she could turn to if she needs to talk or rant or just be listened to; but again it's easy to think that today. i ask myself was i am the person then that i am today? i think i’m close, though probably not exactly the same; i mean everything a person goes through in life affects their perspective regarding life and i’m no different. i’ve experienced things that have changed me, for the better and the worse, but i’ve always been a person who’s cared about the people i’ve held close to me. that hasn’t and won’t ever change. so i’m left to wonder if we had talked more when we were in school, if we had been closer back then, would she have come to me when she was going through difficult times? would she have offered her faith and trust by confiding in me the intimate details of her life? if we had known each other better, would she have used one, or both, of my shoulders for support when she felt she couldn't stand on her own? i always joke with her now about having two shoulders for her to cry on when we're talking about basketball but in all seriousness i'm sure the reality is once or twice during the time when we didn't occupy a space in each other's lives she'd turned to another for comfort when she was going through some personal drama. or maybe she had no one; not one single person she felt would understand her situation or her thoughts about it. i hope not...i hope that she's never felt like i have. i hope she's never experienced the loneliness that comes with feeling that people don't understand you or how you think. especially since from our conversations i've come to realize that we are of a similar mindset.

i once asked her if people accepting you for what you are was enough, or if there was something more in being understood for what you are. and she answered that someone just accepting you for what you are isn't enough, that you need to be loved and understood for the person that you are. so i don’t just accept her; she’s not normal…and i appreciate the person that she is; behind the model face and body. i understand the very core of what makes her up, even when the thing that truly makes her remarkable, her soul, is lost on everyone else. i get her. and she doesn’t just accept me; i’m not normal either…and she appreciates the person that i am; behind the brilliant mind. she understands me at my core and why i am what i am. she gets me. so it's not hard for me to see why through our interactions she's come to think of us as "kindred spirits" and i’ve come to think of us as “linked”. this thing between us goes beyond muse and artist; beyond inspiration and the inspired. she said we're friends...and that one day she could feel more for me but the truth is we're already more. i once told her i wanted to know her better than anyone ever has and i’m working on that but i think i kind of already do. because we understand one another."

"when angels visit us, we do not hear the rustle of wings, nor feel the feathery touch of the breast of a dove; but we know their presence by the love they create in our hearts." - mary baker addy

slowly she closes the door to the balcony and returns to the spot where she'd left her thoughts of me on her bed. she slips back under the sheets, still naked, only to recall pieces i've written on how i like to touch a woman and she longs to experience that touch for herself. she begins to slide her hands over her breasts and nipples, imagining her hands are my hands and her touch is my own. they continue down her sides and over her stomach, lower and lower until they reach her most intimate or areas, a place even my words can't penetrate, and they remain there until she drifts off to sleep.

“yes, i'm a great believer in angels.” - anna lee

i too, believe in angels… and that heaven is eternal… but mostly i believe that the bond of understanding that we’ve discovered between us will last just as long."

"when angels cry, they shed tears over words that invoke powerful emotions inside of them. i pen those kind of words and she loves the way my thoughts make her feel; even when they make her cry." - me

Presents..."Radiant" by Jasmin Williams

"i've never seen anything as beautiful as you. what fantasy did you come from? my mind is reeling from the magnitude of everything that comprises your being, how can your body contain such energy?! listening to you , looking at you... wondering how warm you are. so radiant so absolutely radiant.."