Writes..."Twin Souls"

"me: "would you consider there being an "us"?"
her: "yes wud u?"
me: "i already do."
her: ":)"

“fate loves the fearless.” – james russell lowell

"a person can let the fear of potential pain and heartbreak prevent them from experiencing something that could make them truly happy. but the truth is if you really want to be happy then the promise of being happy has to outweigh the idea that you could get hurt." – me

“i agree wholeheartedly...if u want to be happy u have to be willing to put that idea in front of your fear.” - her

our own words...about our own sitaution.

she says she'll be gone by next year; that there are too many memories here, the lasting kind, and that the bad ones outweigh the good. she's ready to leave; ready to start a new life...with a new person...in a new place. she feels it’s time to close this chapter and begin another; so i've got six months to convince her that a new beginning begins with me.

me: do you really believe a new beginning begins with me?
her: i do… it kind of scares me tho
me: me too.

so i pray...

“dear god,

i’m guessing it really doesn’t matter what you call it: fate, destiny, whatever; there are no coincidences right? i mean it’s not insane to believe that everything that happens to a person in life happens for a reason is it? so feeling that us re-connecting now was preordained and that the relationship developing between us was meant to be doesn’t make me crazy does it? i think that life is a “choose your own adventure” book; where turning to page 37 to do one thing or page 45 to do another determines the path you choose to get to the end; but ultimately, the story’s already written. you’re born. you do stuff. you die. you know, “circle of life”...”hakuna matata”…some other “disney” phrase (please don’t sue me). i was born. six months ago i met a woman that i already knew but didn’t really know; and found out that she’s more me than anyone i’ve ever met. and i’ll die eventually; but hopefully between now and the day my last breath escapes me, there’ll be a lot more pages to flip though. i’m only asking that you to direct me to the page that puts her and i together so i can jump there now and avoid any pages where my story ends without her. amen.”

“love is not in our choice but in our fate.” - john dryden

a couple of weeks ago i went to my bible study where the topic that day was marriages; basically we went over a guide that, through seventeen principles, explained how to sustain a successful christian marriage. there was actually only one married couple there, a young man and woman in their early 20’s, and during the session our conversation meandered a little into the area of finding a partner and how to determine whether or not that person was the “one”. and because they were the only ones currently married, everyone eager to hear their story of dating and courtship and their personal thoughts about their union. they shared with us freely; when the young wife mentioned that she had recently engaged in a debate at work over whether or not a person only has one other person in the world that can be their “soulmate”. she said it had gotten pretty intense and now it was stuck in her mind; and she was interested in the rest of the group's opinions on the subject. but i just sat there and pondered the question to myself quietly while they discussed it; i really didn’t know what to say. when i was younger i believed that everyone had a “soulmate” but i never remember thinking that in a world with over six billion people that your “soulmate” could only be one of those six billion people. and as i’ve gotten older i’ve discovered through my own experiences that if you spend a fair amount of time with anyone you’ll find at least one appealing quality in them that will attract you, even if you weren’t initially drawn to them. and that one attribute can be enough to bring you and that person into a more intimate relationship, even if that intimacy only evolves into consistent pleasantries between the two of you instead of the “she may speak/she may not speak to me today” kind of interactions you’re used to. they say “familiarity breeds contempt” but i say it breeds kids as well, if you get too close. so theoretically, couldn’t you determine anyone you spend enough time with to be your “soulmate”, at least potentially?

even i’ve tossed around the term “soulmate” once or twice in my life; maybe being a little more cavalier when using it than i should have been when i did, but never feeling like i didn’t mean it when i said it. not either time. i don’t tend to waste my words, especially when it comes to the ones i use when describing how i feel about a woman. and because there have been times when i believed that a “she” and i could have labeled ourselves as such, i’ve said it and “she’s” echoed it back at me. and once or twice i’ve used “always” and “forever” along with “soulmate” to form a sentiment i’d thought perfectly expressed us. when i loved “her”, it was “always” has and “always” will; for now and “forever”. “we belong together…”; “we belong…”; “we…”; well maybe not, so i’ve been forced to acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, i’ve been a little lax with how i’ve used those terms in the past. because i’ve had “soulmates” before and they were “always” and “forever” but now i want something more; just saying the word or penning a line isn’t enough any longer.

"twin soul"..."when god created your soul he split it into two parts; male and female; so it's the unity of one soul in two bodies. that is what people are searching for in life...the other half of their soul." – her

more prayer...

“dear god,

it’s me again. i wondering if it is a little premature to feel like i don’t need to look for my other half anymore? you know my heart, so you know i’m totally serious when i ask that; though there is some part of me that wants to break out in a verse of a “survivor” song. “…the search has come full circle; our destinies are one…(in my 80’s power ballad singing voice); sorry about that, i am serious though. based on this connection between us, would i be wrong for thinking that we share the soul that you divided long ago? because i could read off a list of criteria twin souls have that we exhibit if you think it would help me to justify believing like i do. standards like: there is a special sacredness to your relationship that transcends anything you've ever experienced before or when you look into the other's eyes, you see yourself. i could do that. or i could share some of her dialogue to me; i won't share mine because you already know how i feel about her. in my first thought on her she wrote: “i don’t understand how someone cud capture anothers spirit without really even knowing them.” well i don’t understand either but maybe it’s because her spirit and mine are the same. maybe when i wrote that thought i wasn’t writing about her as much as i was writing about us. “…she remains steadfast because she still believes that somebody, somewhere, is traveling the same road she is. and she’s right, even if she can’t see him yet.” maybe it's us following the same path and now i'm starting to come into her view.

but i won’t do that either god. i won’t bore you with a checklist on things that i feel connect us or speculate on how she might feel about me; i’ll just end this talk with one last point. when i saw the twin soul symptoms and how many fit us i couldn’t believe it… and when she read my first thought on her and how well i “got” her without really knowing her she couldn’t understand it… all i know is that when she and i interact, everything is right. when i'm talking to her...when i'm thinking about her...when i'm holding her hand: everything is right. and i love that feeling. i’ve used the phrase “the relationship between two people that needs not explaining” to describe us before but what if it rings truer than i know? what if “we” need not explaining because this thing between can’t be explained? maybe defining “us” in words is merely an act of wasted time and energy; but defining “us” in life is the greatest joy i will ever know. so i'm thanking you in advance for this opportunity at happiness for us. i mean "us". amen.”

“and when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other's sight even for a moment." - plato

when i write i’m spilling my guts, so i wonder if bleeding all over this piece of paper has told her anything she didn’t already know about how i feel about her? i hope not...i hope i'm not that guarded with my feelings. she's said she loves reading my words because they give her a glimpse into my heart; and she'll cry when she reads these words because then she'll see what my heart wants to tell her. she once said, "i wud love to read how u feel…i hav a feeling that if i can’t read it…u won’t tell me and ill never know. well, this is how i feel; this is my heart in print. i want her because i need her because i love her. or i love...honestly, you can place those three words in any order and that statement would still be true. the future is "our" future together; the present is "us" getting there. so is there anything she still doesn't know? maybe that i believe that we are twin souls, that she's the other half of me, and that i believe that with everything that i am...but i think she already knows that too."