Writes..."Who Am I?"

"how to start...ummm...

"it would be unfair to expect other people to be as remarkable as oneself." - oscar wilde

or...

"the only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everyone else." - oscar wilde

so who am i; that i've deemed these two quotes fitting for a piece about my character? who am i; that i've taken the most overt examples i could find of insolence for my own profile? who am i? i think that's an excellent question; definitely one worthy of blogging about. so here it is...who i am. but first in trying to determine the right words for myself, i've decided to post a few words about myself from other people. maybe i'll draw some inspiration from them...

"handsome..."

"very handsom..."

"very handsome!" (is anyone else seeing a theme here? i'm just saying...)

"u r a sweet person..." (i really am...)

"your the best..."

"your a really great person...your a great friend." (aww...)

"your too cool for words...your the best bud a gurl can have..."

"one of the best friends a person could have!!!!" (i'm tearing up...)

"you are amazing..."

"you are sexy on so many levels!!" (so many levels...go on...)

"if only more men thought like you and treated women like you, this world would be a better place!" (i agree...)

"i think you'll make some lucky lady very happy one day."

"the girl who gets you will truly be a lucky person!"

alright, that's good. enough about me...

oscar wilde said, "conceit is one of the greatest of the virtues, yet how few people recognize it as a thing to aim at and to strive after. in conceit many a man and woman has found salvation, yet the average person goes on all fours groveling after modesty." i like that quote but i must say that i'm really not as conceited as i'm making myself look in this post. not as conceited?! that's funny! i'm really not though. i didn't comment after every compliment did i? hahaha!!! am i brash? maybe. arrogant? a little. confident? yeah, that's probably the word i would go with. not conceited though; i just like using oscar wilde quotes that i can make fit whatever it is i'm writing about, even if it does take a bit of a stretch to do so. anyway, back to the point of this. while i feel fortunate to have as many people think of me in such a high regard, the only reason i'm writing this is to illustrate a point. the truth of the matter is that though i've appreciated every kind word anyone has ever said about me, i've felt that when a friend of mine told me that she thought i would make a great husband one day; that that had been the greatest compliment i'd ever received from another person. and it had been until the day another friend told me that she thought i would be a great dad to any kids i would have eventually. in knowing me, you should know that family is everything to me; so i tend to place more value on positive opinions of my worth as a man in those aspects than any other thing anyone could appreciate about me.

but a couple of weeks ago the "wife" said something to me that i haven't been able to stop thinking about; something that i think has eclipsed both of the previous bests; you know, in the annuls of superlatives about me. she said, "you're the only person that's understood me completely". and i was stunned; i'd be lying if i said i wasn't because i was. i know that her words shouldn't have come as a surprise to me; considering what we mean to one another, but they did. it's funny, i don't think she's ever surprised by anything i write about her; like the other day i wrote "that if i never wrote another word she would still know how i feel about her"; she agreed and probably wasn't all that shocked that i wrote and posted my words on facebook. it's who i am. but i don't expect her to say anything like that to me. so to "understand her completely" becomes an indictment of a feeling she's been holding on to; at least it is to me, being of the opinion that that's not something you say to just anybody. telling somebody they're handsome and telling somebody that they "get" you in a way nobody else ever has are both complimentary; true, but let's not pretend that they're in any way the same thing because they aren't even remotely similar. to me, the latter conveys a connection forged on more than history or experience; it has to, because knowing somebody a long time doesn't guarantee you'll understand how they think or why they do what they do then any more than you did when you first met them. to fully understand somebody has to be based on more than the amount of time you spend or have spent with them; or the experiences you've had together.

but i think i'm looking at this from the wrong angle or at least missing the point of it. when i said, "to fully understand..." i realize i'm writing this from my own perspective and my thoughts have lead me to believe that to do so would be to diminish the power of her words. because i could say i understand somebody completely and they could gush about what that would mean to them as well but my point isn't about how i feel about her words as much as it's about what went into the reasoning behind her saying them to me; what led her to the conclusion that i, and no one before me, am as in tune with her person as i have become. because to understand the thought going into the words is to understand that that thinking proves just as meaningful as the actual words themselves.

so yeah, i think she's given me the greatest compliment i've ever received; for at least two reasons i can think of right away. first, the previous greats were based on potential events; so essentially they were both only hypothetically true. i mean, by definition you can't really be a good husband if you never get married; or a good father if you're never around any kids, them being yours or not. so what my first friend was saying was: "brian, if you get married, then you're going to be a great husband to someone" and what the other was saying was: "brian, if you're ever in the position to have any kids, then you're going to be a great father to them". and if...then...is the definition of a hypothesis...science 101. but her telling me i understand her isn't hypothetical. it isn't something that could occur some time in the future. it's already happened. once upon a time when we were talking or she was thinking; maybe because i had written or done something, i don't know, but something happened between us that made her feel feelings for me that she'd never felt for anyone else before. so her words mean more because they're tangible; i've lived what they meant and what they entailed. i mean i live what they mean and what they entail. and second, though i said her words convey a connection forged on more than history and experience, i can't discount the fact that we do have history; a history that continues to be written every day. in fact, it's that history and those experiences we've had that make what she said more than a compliment. it's a commentary on the realization that despite this not being decades in the making; and us "taking the road less traveled by" to get where we are today; forces bigger than ourselves conspired to bring us together; and have allowed us to be what we are: if she's a woman who is what she is; then a man who "gets" her must be who i am.

oscar wilde said, "women are made to be loved, not understood"; and yeah, i'm proud i'm fortunate enough to be able to say i do both. well, at least one woman."

Writes..."Thoreau"

"she's already in the bed when i come into the room; on her side, half-sleep, half-waiting for me to take my place beside her; but fully naked 'cause that's how she sleeps when i'm there. i make my way to her, losing articles of clothing along the way, 'cause that's how i sleep when i'm there. pulling back the covers to settle into a familiar spot behind her, i ease into the bed and back where i belong. her hair's covering her neck and i brush it aside in order to kiss her. i tell her i love her and she smiles, reaching her hand back for mine. and we fall asleep, hand-in-hand, the way we used to.

henry david thoreau said, "simplify, simplify", so why make what i want any more complicated than what it is?

Writes..."A Rare Bird"

"one has the right to judge a man by the effect he has over his friends." - oscar wilde

"dear diary,

it's been a while since i've written but i need to get some shit out of my system. you know, normally i wouldn't do this. normally when people toss their shit at me i endure it; until i'm a poo-covered, zoo-smelling mess. i think i need to be more like eminem though; "'cause i ain't took no shit since i looked down at my nuts and saw my first pubic grow...". maybe that should be my mantra. it sounds good but i've always been a really sensitive person and shit bothers me; even when it appears as if it doesn't, or it shouldn't. so i don't like conflict; or arguing. i hold grudges. i remember the times that i've felt slighted; or hurt; or unappreciated. so to take the time to actually write these words, right now, is to know that this shit has been eating at me for a while; that i've already written "shit" like six or seven times is to know that i'm upset. and while i'd love to be able to say i only use that much profanity when i'm angry; the truth is, i was born angry; shit irritating my nerves before i even came out of the womb and "fuck" coming out of my mouth as soon as i say it. i'm surprised that it was "shit" six or seven times instead of every curse word i could think of, as often as i could. still, being angry is no excuse; i'm too articulate for this. i'm going to try to be better about my cursing in this post. but not at the expense of me eating more shit. just like me, this shit's getting old. i think about my favorite quote: "pain or damage don't end the world. or despair or fucking beatings. the world ends when you're dead. until then you got more punishment in store. stand it like a man--and give some back." so if giving some back is me tossing my shit at others, then i can be a feces-flinging monkey like everyone else. shit on me? i got a "cleveland steamer" for you right here. yeah, ewwww, i know. i already said i was upset.

i'm writing this because recently it seems like there have been as many people around me who have questioned my friendship with them as there have been who have lauded what my friendship means to them. well, i'm not on that shit so first let me say, "fuck you" and then i'll quote myself...

"when i pass her; i'll ask her, and shed tears for, if it's not best near her
if to her i'm a bastard; someone i'm not dear to; then erase with a #2
i'll disappear her, voice so faint even jennifer love hewitt can't hear her
she's casper and i'm a buster; to fear her or life past her; to make her a who?
despite how our years were; if that's what it is, it's what i'll do; call me "pastor"
blasphemer; gospel seers through, flows clear through; my veins; i'm so vasc'lar..."

1-21-11

there's a latin phrase that goes: "amicus verus est rara avis" which means "a true friend is a rare bird" and i feel like i'm the rarest of the rare so i don't need people to tell me i'm a good friend. i know that i am and i don't believe that to be an arrogant statement to make. i've always been an ear for listening; a sounding board for people who needed to rant; or yell; or whatever they needed to do. i've always been a shoulder to lean on; to cry on; or whatever they needed to do. i guess my point is: i am what i am; whatever somebody else needs; all the time. but yesterday i had an epiphany...

i met a girl last year; not through but because we have a mutual friend, and i'd like to think that over the past ten months i've been a good friend to her. i won't put her business out in the open on my blog but it's safe to say she was going through some things in her life when we met and i've tried to be there for her, if and when she needed me to be. still, the other day when she told me that i had been the main person there for her during that time, i was surprised. i mean, all i did was listen to her tell me what was going on and how she felt about those things. and i'm sure she had other friends who did the same thing for her, so for her to say those words really meant a lot to me. i only bring this up because yesterday i was chatting with her and she started our conversation with a frowny face emoticon. i asked her what was wrong and she told me but later on she told me she hadn't wanted to tell me because she thought i would have been disappointed in her for this new situation. and i laughed, i told her i wasn't her dad so she didn't need to be worried about whether or not i was going to be disappointed in her actions. my job as her "friend" is to be there for her, not judge her; everybody else will do that. she can tell me stuff and know that it's not going to change my opinion of her or the relationship we've built together. then she thanked me, saying i have always been the best kind of friend to her, and we finished our talk with her feeling a little better about what was going on in her life. and i realized then that i don't do her any different than i do every other person i consider myself close to. call it being a "good friend" or whatever, i am the kind of guy that has an effect over his friends and that won't change. ever.

so if i'm not a good "friend" to you, fuck off. seriously. 'cause the next time i hear someone come at me with that shit, it's gonna be: "blank you...erased...blank..."

some shit i wrote a decade ago...

"was i the friend i always thought
and always hoped to be?
when times were hard and things got tough
did people look to me?
when someone needed a shoulder
on which to cry
was i the one who saw the tears
and wiped them from their eye?
and someone else was feeling down
for reasons then unknown
was i the one who sat with them
when they had been alone?
and yet another felt rejected
love had left them quickly
and others struck down with disease
who took care of the sickly?
i think i was, no wait, i know
this man of whom i write
but whose shoulder was there for me
when crying in the night?
i don't remember my "friends"
being there for brian
in the darkness, sitting alone
contemplating dying
i cry most nights, where are my "friends"?
nobody's there for me
the demons in my heart surround
my lost humanity
i stay awake, sleep escapes me
while dreaming hits my "friends"
losing control of sanity
the burden of my sins..."

1-19-00

there's more to that poem but fuck it, i'm done ranting."

Writes..."B Be Better"

"i went to the library and walked out with a couple of books about oscar wilde and my thought was: what would i say if someone asked me what i had the books for? i mean it's not like i'm in school or anything, so they're not for a report or anything. my post on my blog about oscar wilde is done so i don't need them for that. yet i have two books to read in my arms. and then it hit me. i began to think about when kids are learning algebra and they question why they have to. and when they stuff like i won't need to know this when i get out of school; and how they'll never see some kinds of math again in their lives; and sometimes they're right. the truth is, once you pass a certain level of high school math, you don't use a lot of the stuff you learn after that unless you have a job based in math or science. but still it's that kind of thinking that led me to ask myself this question. "does believing you don't need to know something mean you shouldn't learn about it?" because i've heard people say that a lot. "that doesn't interest me...i'm content with ignorance". well, that isn't exactly what they say but it's what i hear. hmmm...i guess me having the books about oscar wilde prove i don't believe that. because i don't need to be able to quote him or to be able to say i've read him; but in all honesty, being a man who can and has is being the man that i want to be. which makes me think that the determining factor towards wanting to be more than you are, whether it's calculus in high school or james joyce now, is if you actually want to be more than you are. or if you're content with being what you are. well, i'm just a dude; a regular dude; but i want to be a vivaldi-playing, faulkner-reading, some ancient greek philosopher-quoting, gauguin-appreciating dude. i guess what i'm saying is i want to be a man who is about more than what he sees."

Writes..."Alex...Who Is The Greatest Quote Machine Ever?"

"i thought i'd write this because it's a departure from the type of thing i usually pen. it's not about romance; or relationships; or love. i'm writing this because i found it ridiculously funny and i needed to share the story...for some reason. i guess it's because...

"i put all my genius into my life; i put only my talent into my works."

and i concur...and if you don't like this then i quote...

"ridicule is the tribute paid to the genius by the mediocrities."

i was watching "jeopardy" the other day and they had a category that was something like "literary e-mail addresses"; where the answer would be something like www.(a couple clues about the identity of a character in literature).com and i felt good about my chances of doing well with it. i didn't know the answer to the first one but i recognized something in the answer, i think it was "hogwarts"and i could tell it was about "harry potter". but i've never read any of the "harry potter" books or seen any of the movies; in fact i'm pretty sure i only recognized "hogwarts" through some sort of media osmosis. but the second answer was something about "smeagol" and "the precious" and they wanted his other name in the response. unfortunately i totally brain farted on that one. i mean i knew it was from j.r.r. tolkien's "the lord of the rings"; i've seen the movies and i could even see the character in my head but i could not think of his other name. i knew it, but right then it was filed away in a folder in my brain gathering dust, and it didn't come to me before a contestant on the show answered it; turned out it was "gollum". i remember thinking, "oh well, maybe i'll have better luck with the $600 clue." now, knowing me and how i play "jeopardy", there isn't a more subdued person than me when it comes to answering correctly. i never raise my voice above whisper tone and nobody's as nonchalant when they're right. my reaction is always like, "of course i'm right, whatever...next?" i think if i was ever on the show alex trebek would probably ask me to do two things while we were taping my episode. first, he would want me to talk into the microphone so the judges could make out what i was saying and second, he would want me to show a little emotion for a correct answer; suggesting a "tiger woods" fist pump perhaps? but i digress; the next answer changed all that. keep in mind this isn't verbatim. i think the words they used were "painting" and "oscar wilde" and as if it were instinctual to do so, i practically jumped off the couch yelling "dorian gray". man, i was so loud i startled myself with my outburst.

it really surprised me because like i said before i'm always so laid-back with my answers. bewildered really; not just because i responded so forcefully but also because the words "dorian gray" seems to come out like a reflex. like that's i know ocsar wilde for; and it's really not. i've never even read "the picture of dorian gray" (printed in 1890, amended and published in 1891). i know what the story's about but honestly i don't even know how; other than he was a character in the movie "the league of extraordinary gentlemen" and they used elements from the story there. oscar wilde was a great writer and playwright but i didn't even find out that he had written "an ideal husband" (first performed in 1895, published as a play in 1898) or "the importance of being earnest" (first performed in 1895, published as a play in 1898) until long after i had seen both of the movies. and while i can say i love his work, i hold him in high esteem mostly because he was a great quote. if he lived today in a world that's so much more media heavy than his was: due to the introduction of television and the internet, to go along with print; with worldwide social networking and the access of news instantly available and updated 24 hours a day; oscar wilde would be the greatest soundbite on the planet. it would be like, "hold on, they're talking about oscar wilde on "tmz" or "did you hear what oscar wilde said on "entertainment tonight"?" i know he said, "there is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about" and that was before those things even existed. and "twitter"? forget about it. i can only imagine the kind of stuff he wold "tweet". i don't even use my "twitter" account but believe me, i'd be the first person trying to become a follower of oscar wilde.

"i am the only person in the world i should like to know thoroughly."

so this is the equivalent of me writing on the wall of a "facebook" friend or leaving a comment on a "myspace" pal's page...

one last thing...purely coincidental i'm sure. i woke up this morning to a movie playing, where one character was talking to another character and he referred to him as "oscar". then "oscar" responded by saying something like "he could live a healthier life if not for two things: he wasn't going to get up early and he wasn't going to stop drinking". again, not verbatim but i could tell from what he said and the way he said it, it was definitely somebody portraying oscar wilde. i gotta find out what that movie was.

alex trebek: "and the clue for $400...born in ireland in 1854, he is still regarded as "the man" for great quotes."
me: (ringing my buzzer) "alex, who is oscar wilde?"
alex trebek: "brian, you are correct."
me: "of course i'm right...whatever. next?"

all quotes by oscar wilde (1854-1900)"

Writes..."IDK"

"she said she was carrying my baby; not sure how far along she was, just sure that she was pregnant and that it was mine. not just sure; a 1,000 percent sure? surprised? yeah, me too. not that she was pregnant; we're both consenting adults in a consensual "relationship", so it was definitely possible. it was the fact that she used that line on me; that she actually said that shit and we ain't even hit the point where such hyperbole will cause her the humiliation of sprinting off the stage at the "maury" show yet. 1,000 percent?! come on man, there was a reason i used quotation marks when i wrote the "relationship". so i probably would've started with a number a little smaller. and at least trying to save myself the potential future embarrassment in front of a national audience. but whatever, "i am 1,000 percent sure that you, brian wilson, are the father of my unborn baby" were her exact words. so all i can say is she better be right. i guess i'll know if she still that "1,000 percent" confidence if she decides to pack a pair comfortable running shoes for the trip, preferably the pink ones because then at least she could use her fifteen minutes of fame promoting breast cancer awareness.

except we aren't going to be on television because this isn't really happening; it's a dream...though i don't dream anymore. i close my eyes to re-live the same nightmare every night. she tells me we need to talk and we decide to meet up later that day where she informs that she's having my baby. no, sorry, what she actually said was that she was pregnant with my baby; the word "having" never comes out of her mouth. she asks me what i want her to do; that there are options we need to consider. i ask her what options she's referring to; my thoughts have always been "if you're pregnant, you deliver". everybody that knows me knows how i feel about kids and how my plan is to eventually have my own family. and she knows me so i can't figure out why she thinks this is multiple choice for me. but then i figure it out, she's just offering me lip service; like a mother who asks her child what they want to eat after she's already taken out the bread and the "jiff". what'll be will be because of what she wants it to be; not because of any input i offer her. so apparently dinner is pb and j sandwiches; whether i want them or not.

like i said, i don't dream anymore. every night i close my eyes to beg for the life of my unborn child."

Writes..."New Year's Resolution...Re-Visited"

"with there only being a few more days left in 2010, i felt it was a good time to look back at the resolution i made for this year and see how i've done with it. "this is the last new year's i spend without a woman. bank." i guess whether you judge this as a failure or not depends on what you determine an acceptable level of failure is. wait! if i have no woman you can't really rationalize it as accomplished, can you? if i'm alone when the ball drops..."ball drops"...heheh. anyway, if i'm by myself when the clock strikes midnight then it seems to me that i didn't do what i wanted to for this year. and while i can say i made strides towards the fulfillment of my resolution during the year, you can't hold a stride when it gets cold at night. or wipe away a stride's tears when it needs to release painful emotions. i'm thankful for strides; but apparently i'm gonna need to put even more effort into getting what i want in 2011: someone with me to ring in 2012."

Writes..."Lessons from Dad"

"sometimes i wonder what it would've been like to actually learn things from my father instead of from a book. valuable information that seems like it would get passed down from one male to his male offspring. stuff like how to throw a curveball, how to tie a tie, or how to shave. maybe even how to talk to a woman; simple guy stuff like that. not that i'm bitter or anything; i'm grown now and what's done is done. and i can say that i did learn one thing from him. that if i ever have any kids, male or female, i'm going to need to be better than he was actually at being somebody's dad."

Writes..."My Love Reciprocated"

"i'd be lying if i said i understand how other people "love" because i really don't. i only know know how i love and i put everything i am into loving another person. and though i find comfort in the belief that there are others who love as hard as i do, it's difficult for me to comprehend when that kind of love is directed towards me. sometimes i wonder if i'm worthy of the kind of love that i profess to have for another; sometimes even telling myself that i'm not. what have i, brian wilson, done to deserve such a love? and then i remember that someone loving another person isn't based on any great act they may perform; we love because the capacity for loving another person and the need for having that love reciprocated is in all of us. i once said, "i love because i don't know how not to" and i believe that. so maybe when she says she loves me it isn't because of anything i can do or have done for her; other than love her as hard as i can, with everything i am. maybe it's because she realizes in her heart that loving me means having her love reciprocated."

Writes..."216 Miles"

"i think i need some sex", she said, out of the blue and catching me totally off guard. it's funny that she would say that to me. well, not funny as much as exactly something she would say to me. i know her. and she knows i want her, but that there isn't anything i can do for her at the current time. i'm not there and she's not here. we're separated by 216 miles. 216 miles of highway, made up of loneliness and wanting; while our passion lie somewhere in the space between."

Writes..."That "Wilson" Swag"

"back into my rhyme again
niggas call me arrogant
that's because i'm confident
i found it when i found a pen"

- royce da 5'9"

""that "wilson" swag..."; words my cousin had commented about a piece i had written about a year ago.; a phrase i really like. not just because it came from her but because i'd been using the word "swagger" long before it became the "it" word in the hip-hop community. it's long been my opinion that despite what guys may think about it, women choose them. you can want any woman you want but in the end you'll only get her if she wants you. so in saying that, it seems that you gotta have something that separates you from the rest of the men after her affections. swagger... bravado... machismo...; call it whatever you want, you need something that makes her see you as an individual that she can't live without.

truth is, i ain't shit; just a regular dude who doesn't claim to be anything special; a dude who in fact doesn't claim to be anything but a regular dude. but don't mistake what i write for a lack of self-esteem; towards who i am or what i can do. like alicia keys said my nature is to downplay and i downplay as humbly as i can. i've got "swagger"; though it may not be as apparent in the words i speak. my "swag" is displayed in my writing. cocky... arrogant...brash...; call me whatever you want, nobody's as confident with a pen as i am. i say i "piss excellence" but the truth is i'm really just peeing onto paper."

"i'm the verbal-spit smith wesson...
i unload with sick spit the quick wit could split a split-second
bomb with a lit wick expression...
you hear a tick tick then you testin..

- royce da 5'9"