Writes..."A Rare Bird"

"one has the right to judge a man by the effect he has over his friends." - oscar wilde

"dear diary,

it's been a while since i've written but i need to get some shit out of my system. you know, normally i wouldn't do this. normally when people toss their shit at me i endure it; until i'm a poo-covered, zoo-smelling mess. i think i need to be more like eminem though; "'cause i ain't took no shit since i looked down at my nuts and saw my first pubic grow...". maybe that should be my mantra. it sounds good but i've always been a really sensitive person and shit bothers me; even when it appears as if it doesn't, or it shouldn't. so i don't like conflict; or arguing. i hold grudges. i remember the times that i've felt slighted; or hurt; or unappreciated. so to take the time to actually write these words, right now, is to know that this shit has been eating at me for a while; that i've already written "shit" like six or seven times is to know that i'm upset. and while i'd love to be able to say i only use that much profanity when i'm angry; the truth is, i was born angry; shit irritating my nerves before i even came out of the womb and "fuck" coming out of my mouth as soon as i say it. i'm surprised that it was "shit" six or seven times instead of every curse word i could think of, as often as i could. still, being angry is no excuse; i'm too articulate for this. i'm going to try to be better about my cursing in this post. but not at the expense of me eating more shit. just like me, this shit's getting old. i think about my favorite quote: "pain or damage don't end the world. or despair or fucking beatings. the world ends when you're dead. until then you got more punishment in store. stand it like a man--and give some back." so if giving some back is me tossing my shit at others, then i can be a feces-flinging monkey like everyone else. shit on me? i got a "cleveland steamer" for you right here. yeah, ewwww, i know. i already said i was upset.

i'm writing this because recently it seems like there have been as many people around me who have questioned my friendship with them as there have been who have lauded what my friendship means to them. well, i'm not on that shit so first let me say, "fuck you" and then i'll quote myself...

"when i pass her; i'll ask her, and shed tears for, if it's not best near her
if to her i'm a bastard; someone i'm not dear to; then erase with a #2
i'll disappear her, voice so faint even jennifer love hewitt can't hear her
she's casper and i'm a buster; to fear her or life past her; to make her a who?
despite how our years were; if that's what it is, it's what i'll do; call me "pastor"
blasphemer; gospel seers through, flows clear through; my veins; i'm so vasc'lar..."

1-21-11

there's a latin phrase that goes: "amicus verus est rara avis" which means "a true friend is a rare bird" and i feel like i'm the rarest of the rare so i don't need people to tell me i'm a good friend. i know that i am and i don't believe that to be an arrogant statement to make. i've always been an ear for listening; a sounding board for people who needed to rant; or yell; or whatever they needed to do. i've always been a shoulder to lean on; to cry on; or whatever they needed to do. i guess my point is: i am what i am; whatever somebody else needs; all the time. but yesterday i had an epiphany...

i met a girl last year; not through but because we have a mutual friend, and i'd like to think that over the past ten months i've been a good friend to her. i won't put her business out in the open on my blog but it's safe to say she was going through some things in her life when we met and i've tried to be there for her, if and when she needed me to be. still, the other day when she told me that i had been the main person there for her during that time, i was surprised. i mean, all i did was listen to her tell me what was going on and how she felt about those things. and i'm sure she had other friends who did the same thing for her, so for her to say those words really meant a lot to me. i only bring this up because yesterday i was chatting with her and she started our conversation with a frowny face emoticon. i asked her what was wrong and she told me but later on she told me she hadn't wanted to tell me because she thought i would have been disappointed in her for this new situation. and i laughed, i told her i wasn't her dad so she didn't need to be worried about whether or not i was going to be disappointed in her actions. my job as her "friend" is to be there for her, not judge her; everybody else will do that. she can tell me stuff and know that it's not going to change my opinion of her or the relationship we've built together. then she thanked me, saying i have always been the best kind of friend to her, and we finished our talk with her feeling a little better about what was going on in her life. and i realized then that i don't do her any different than i do every other person i consider myself close to. call it being a "good friend" or whatever, i am the kind of guy that has an effect over his friends and that won't change. ever.

so if i'm not a good "friend" to you, fuck off. seriously. 'cause the next time i hear someone come at me with that shit, it's gonna be: "blank you...erased...blank..."

some shit i wrote a decade ago...

"was i the friend i always thought
and always hoped to be?
when times were hard and things got tough
did people look to me?
when someone needed a shoulder
on which to cry
was i the one who saw the tears
and wiped them from their eye?
and someone else was feeling down
for reasons then unknown
was i the one who sat with them
when they had been alone?
and yet another felt rejected
love had left them quickly
and others struck down with disease
who took care of the sickly?
i think i was, no wait, i know
this man of whom i write
but whose shoulder was there for me
when crying in the night?
i don't remember my "friends"
being there for brian
in the darkness, sitting alone
contemplating dying
i cry most nights, where are my "friends"?
nobody's there for me
the demons in my heart surround
my lost humanity
i stay awake, sleep escapes me
while dreaming hits my "friends"
losing control of sanity
the burden of my sins..."

1-19-00

there's more to that poem but fuck it, i'm done ranting."