Re-Writes..."Time"

“i know i’ve finally committed to a relationship. finally committed to being with someone. giving that person my heart. giving that person my being. but have i completely committed myself to this? have i totally given everything i have to us? i don’t think so. i know that i keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. and that you want to know these things. but making myself vulnerable isn’t something i like to do. letting someone come into my world. into the way i think, the way i feel. i’ve never been able to do this before. never been able to let someone get close to me. so i’ve been wondering to myself. is it fair to you? and is it fair to us? i don’t know. and that bothers me because i want us to work. but the problems that have hindered me in the past continue to threaten my future. so forgive me if i seem distant. i’m trying to change. i want to be better. i just need some time. time with you. time for us.”

sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.

Re-Writes..."The Long Kiss Goodnight"

“we’re driving from the movie. what movie? i don’t even remember what we went to see. because while you were watching the movie, i was holding your hand, thinking about the moment we are going to have when we get to your house. the moment, with us on your porch, under the lights alone. when i am going to hold you close to me, close enough so that we can feel our hearts beating together, in sync. looking into your eyes, into your soul, i can see all the good things that make up you. the reasons that have drawn me to you like the moths to the porch lights above us. and you’re going to smile, knowing what’s going to happen next. and in our moment, that single moment in time when our lips meet, the feelings we have will overwhelm us, passion will surround us, and our moment will seem to last forever.”

sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.

Re-Writes..."The Curse Of A Romantic"

“being a romantic is a curse. it may not seem alike it, but when you put your heart and soul into the planning and executing of a little quality time with someone you love and your efforts go unnoticed. or you hear a song that perfectly describes your feelings for that someone and they totally dismiss it. saying something like that’s not their kind of music, not listening to the words, which only relay emotions one would have for their soulmate, but to the singer, who may be of a different genre of music. in these aspects, being a romantic is a curse. having ideas for time spent with that special someone, candlelight dinners, running a bath ready for them after a long day’s work, moonlit picnics under the stars, roses and candy, etc. but the curse hits when all these things are unappreciated by that person. the person that you most want to do these things for. have these things for. when they begin to accept nothing but the finest things, taking you and the little romantic gestures you make for granted. never taking the time to acknowledge the work you put behind making them happy with your private encounters. that makes the whole idea of being a romantic seem somewhat tainted, a much less desired distinction to me. and it leaves a romantic hole in my heart. which is a curse in itself.”

sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.

Re-Writes..."Tequila Sunrise"

“i wonder what the sun looks like when it’s rising or setting. i wonder what colors can be seen at the exact moment when the sun hits the horizon of a certain time. possibly various shades of red and yellow, against numerous hues of blues. maybe even colors that haven’t been identified. colors that can’t even be seen with the human eye. i can only imagine what the sky looks like. maybe like some sort of abstract painting. as if the sky were a huge canvas and an artist skillfully painted a masterpiece on it. but as i said before, i can only imagine these things. because i’ve never seen a sunrise or sunset before. why? i’ll tell you why. i’ve always felt that sunrises and sunsets are two of the most beautiful experiences a person can witness. and yet, i think that they weren’t meant to be seen alone. a sunrise or sunset is an experience that is only truly enjoyed when it is shared with someone you love. so why have i never seen one? because i have no one to love.”

sometime in '99, i don't remember the exact date.

Re-Writes..."Teenage Confusion"

“i really don’t understand girls. the things they do sometimes baffles me. sometimes when i look at some couples at school, or i’ve just seen around, and i see how the mean treat their women, i wonder how the men could be that way. i wonder why women stay with men who don’t treat them right. i don’t understand why they remain with these losers. a woman should be treated like a queen, loved and adored. there are still men who believe this. but most women think all men are dogs. if these women would look a little harder or even give someone they already knew a chance, maybe mr. right would be right in front of them. someone who would treat them like a lady. someone who would care for them and love them. but most men like this aren’t given a chance. if you were a woman and your man wasn’t treating you right but another guy wanted to treat you better, why wouldn’t you give this person a chance? someone who only wanted to be with you, only you, and try to form a lasting, loving relationship together. forever. i thought women were supposed to be smarter than men. the answer doesn’t seem too hard for me. a man who would do anything for you, anything for your love or a man who doesn’t care if you’re there or not, if you’re happy, if you’re loved? do you even have to think about it? you shouldn’t. but that’s what makes me really not understand girls. i don’t know, i guess it’s because i’m young. maybe that’s why i don’t understand. maybe when i become older and the girls i know mature more, they might not so be quick to stay with their loser boyfriends. but then again, maybe they will and maybe i’ll never understand.”

sometime in '97, i don't remember the exact date.

Presents..."My 400th Post"

"this is my 400th post. that is all.

btw, i know i've been posting a lot of "re-writes", especially when i said i was done doing that. but i had an epiphany. i figure before i die i'll want every word i have out of me first; with nothing else to say because nothing's been left unsaid.

uh, i guess that wasn't all."

Re-Writes..."September 28, 2000: Judgment Day"

“september 28, 2000. just an ordinary day to anyone else, but it’s a date that could bring many changes in my life. because september 28, 2000 is my birthday. #21. an age where things once forbidden become easily attained and are virtually thrust into your face. simple pleasures are granted at will and fantasies are fulfilled. but change will come not just because of my age, but because the day is my birthday and that in itself is the cause of my problem and its answer in one.

september 28, 2000. the day that will determine how i proceed with a girl i like. whether the idea of a relationship with her is as attractive to me then as it was in the past, five years ago or even now. it may sound weird but my birthday will do a lot to help me make this decision. because ever since i’ve met this girl, i’ve always tried to make her birthday special for her. even when i wasn’t thinking of her as a possible girlfriend, i’d always get her something. though most of the time, i was thinking we should be together. and since we were friends, her birthday was important to me. any special occasion of hers was important to me. but things have happened over the years that we’ve known each other that have me wanting to be with her. we’ve grown closer together than we have with others and i long for her. still, it’s never been a given that we would get together. there are many reasons that we may not. and one of them will be settled on my birthday. because even though i’ve never forgotten her birthday, i only remember one time that she remembered mine. and it’s not a gift thing. it’s not a “i got her something, she should get me something” thing. i don’t need her to get me anything. i’m beyond the materialism of birthdays. it’s a “i remembered” thing. the fact that someone cared enough for you to remember your birthday. without you having to remind them over and over. sometimes when her birthday’s two or three weeks away, she’ll ask me if i know what’s coming up. i always pretend i don’t. and she seems to get upset. but i’m just pretending. i always know. i haven’t forgotten since the day that she told me, the first time she ever told me. but when i ask her when my birthday is, she never knows. and that hurts my feelings. because i care for her. enough to actually care about her birthday. knowing someone’s birthday may seem insignificant, but it proves that you love them. and i haven’t seen that yet. so my birthday could be the turning point in our relationship, or lack thereof. if she remembers, i’ll be happy. maybe something good will be proven to me. if she doesn’t, i won’t. and something bad will be proven to me. but september 28, 2000 is judgment day.”

sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.

Re-Writes..."School Picture"

“i’ve known this girl since the eighth grade. she was beautiful in the eighth grade. but she’s still beautiful. we were in the same art class. on the day we got our school pictures back, she walked over to my table and asked me for my picture. i don’t remember this girl ever talking to me before. so i gladly obliged and since she was beautiful, i asked for hers. she gave me one. the next year she didn’t go to the same high school as me but she started there our tenth grade year. i liked to hang around her. she was a lot of fun to be with. and even as seniors, she would occasionally remind me that she still had my eighth grade picture. i always thought we should have gotten together. but even since we haven’t, i’ll always be there for her if she needs me.”

sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.

Re-Writes..."Right Now"

“living without someone to talk to, someone to be close to, someone to be with, is torture. a constant reminder of a failure that haunts my very existence. why isn’t there someone like that for me? right now. they say patience is a virtue. they say the best things come to those who wait. but i say i waited long enough. who or what determines how much longer i will have to wait? which only adds to the difficulty of my situation. i like a girl, no. i llke a girl, no, i like a woman. she is everything that i am looking for in a partner. beautiful, charming, intelligent. and i think that she likes me. but circumstances have prevented us from being together. there are various reasons she can’t be with me. some i already know and some she hides from me. but when we’re together, it’s comfortable. we talk and laugh, enjoying each other’s company. she can tell me things and know that i won’t judge her. she can ask me questions without hesitancy, without the fear of being intrusive or personal. if she needs advice or comfort, a shoulder to cry on, someone to share a laugh with, i’m there. but right now she can’t be with me. recently, i’ve started to meet her on her lunch break to eat and to talk. because it’s the only time we would be able to see each other during the week except for rehearsal and church. and sometimes i need to talk to her. and sometimes she just needs to talk. it’s our own private time. but she has wondered to me if this time i was devoting to her was fair to me. as if she was taking advantage of the fact that i like being with her. and interacting with her. and she know that i need someone to talk to, someone to be close to, someone to be with. so that makes our lunch encounters bittersweet. i want to be with her. i want it so bad. more than she’ll ever know. but this whole situation is torture for my heart. because being alone with her makes the fact that we can’t be together almost unbearable. at least, right now we can’t be together. and the slight possibility that one day we could is a curse i live with everyday. just knowing there is a chance, no matter the size, that we could be together, and that one thing i could do could affect that chance in my favor, haunts me. because i don’t know what to do. so i continue to try to make myself appealing in her eyes, in the hope that eventually the circumstances that have been keeping us apart will no longer be valid reasons for us not being together. despite the fact that spending time with her hurts. because i yearn for her. and i need her. and i want her. right now.”

sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.

Re-Writes..."Reunion With A Smile"

“maybe it was fate. maybe it was destiny. maybe it was a blessing from god. or a joke from the devil. i’m not sure what it was that brought our paths together again. but i know it wasn’t a coincidence. that i just happened to go get something to eat, that you just happened to be there already. after three years without contact. three long agonizing years of me having to go through life without you, without your presence, your being. every day. you don’t know how i’ve thought about you, something only thinking about you. wondering what you were doing or how you would react to a certain situation. if you were thinking about me and what you would think of me writing about you. you don’t know how i’ve felt about you. how i regret never telling you that i loved you and hoping that you felt the same towards me. always wishing that you were happy and content. because i could be miserable if i knew that you weren’t. i could keep my feelings for you hidden if you had a loving relationship. with a nurturing man. even if he wasn’t me. but back to our moment. as i walked through the door and looked over at the counter, i could see you standing there. and total shock took over my body. my heart stopped. i couldn’t breathe. it was like seeing a ghost. for the first time since graduation day, you were standing in front of me. three years. and what did you do when you saw me? you smiled. that perfect smile of yours that only angels have. that smile that i have dreams of seeing again for three years. a smile that reassures doubt and brightens up the darkness in my heart. a sight so familiar, so lovely to me, that it seems to have its own place in my heart, other than the part you already occupy. and it had been missing. i don’t know how i made it without you and your smile. but i know this. i’m not about to let it happen again.”

sometime in '00, i don't remember the exact date.