Re-Writes..."Right Now"

“living without someone to talk to, someone to be close to, someone to be with, is torture. a constant reminder of a failure that haunts my very existence. why isn’t there someone like that for me? right now. they say patience is a virtue. they say the best things come to those who wait. but i say i waited long enough. who or what determines how much longer i will have to wait? which only adds to the difficulty of my situation. i like a girl, no. i llke a girl, no, i like a woman. she is everything that i am looking for in a partner. beautiful, charming, intelligent. and i think that she likes me. but circumstances have prevented us from being together. there are various reasons she can’t be with me. some i already know and some she hides from me. but when we’re together, it’s comfortable. we talk and laugh, enjoying each other’s company. she can tell me things and know that i won’t judge her. she can ask me questions without hesitancy, without the fear of being intrusive or personal. if she needs advice or comfort, a shoulder to cry on, someone to share a laugh with, i’m there. but right now she can’t be with me. recently, i’ve started to meet her on her lunch break to eat and to talk. because it’s the only time we would be able to see each other during the week except for rehearsal and church. and sometimes i need to talk to her. and sometimes she just needs to talk. it’s our own private time. but she has wondered to me if this time i was devoting to her was fair to me. as if she was taking advantage of the fact that i like being with her. and interacting with her. and she know that i need someone to talk to, someone to be close to, someone to be with. so that makes our lunch encounters bittersweet. i want to be with her. i want it so bad. more than she’ll ever know. but this whole situation is torture for my heart. because being alone with her makes the fact that we can’t be together almost unbearable. at least, right now we can’t be together. and the slight possibility that one day we could is a curse i live with everyday. just knowing there is a chance, no matter the size, that we could be together, and that one thing i could do could affect that chance in my favor, haunts me. because i don’t know what to do. so i continue to try to make myself appealing in her eyes, in the hope that eventually the circumstances that have been keeping us apart will no longer be valid reasons for us not being together. despite the fact that spending time with her hurts. because i yearn for her. and i need her. and i want her. right now.”

sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.