Re-Writes..."My Greatest Sin"

“the church. the site of my greatest triumph and my greatest sin. a sin against man. a sin against myself. a sin so evil, so vicious, that my being forgiven has no chance of ever happening. and yet, my triumph and my sin are one and the same. how does a man achieve his greatest goal in life, but lose the only thing he’s ever wanted?

all i wanted in life was someone to love. and the church provided me with the opportunities to fulfill this goal. “you get yourself a good christian girl.” growing up in the church, i’ve heard this a million times before. but in doing this, in finding someone that i feel consumed by love for, have i alienated someone else that may have wanted to be with me. someone that may have been searching for the very things i was. and maybe they saw those things in me. qualities that appealed to them. potential they could have cultivated. something that they felt had drawn them to me. but they never told me. and i didn’t realize it. and i found another.

so am i wrong for trying to make myself happy? can a man’s own pursuits towards personal contentment have negative effects on someone who seemingly isn’t emotionally connected to him? not even indirectly. and should it really matter to me if that happens? after years of laying back and letting others get their own way, isn’t it time for me to finally go and get what i want? whatever it takes to make me happy. in the past, i was always looking out for other people’s interests, regardless of my own feelings. there have been many situations where i stood back and allowed others to take what i wanted. but now is my time. time for me to have what i used to let slip through my fingers, what i never made the effort before to get, what had eluded me until now.

so have i achieved my greatest goal in life? right now, it seems i have. i’ve found someone who i love more than any other. but have i ruined a friendship in the process? maybe. maybe things will never be the same between us. and maybe i should feel bad because i didn’t see the signs. or read between the lines of what someone was saying. yet, i owe it to myself to continue to strive to make my relationship as successful as i can. because it’s time for me to be happy. even if they aren’t.”

sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.