“i think about the problems i have with girls constantly. it haunts me like a veteran may have flashbacks of bloody battle scenes he’s seen in war. i wonder what my problem is. notice i said, “my problem”. i could blame girls. i could say they are scandalous, gold diggers, etc., but that wouldn’t include all of them, so i won’t. i say it’s my problem because i have major trust issues. i don’t trust anybody, not completely anyway. i don’t like to share my feelings or show my emotions because i don’t want people to know how i feel. when i tell somebody something, i don’t want to hear it circulating around. i don’t like it when people know my business, let alone want to get in it. if i’m messing around with some girl, i don’t want her talking about the things we do to all her friends. i don’t want people talking about me period. but i’ve learned that isn’t possible. as soon as you make yourself vulnerable and open up to someone, you can expect to hear your innermost feelings quoted by someone you didn’t even know existed. you might as well tell the newspaper or go on television. i know that’s why i’m an introvert. when the only person you trust is yourself, then you have to keep your feelings to yourself. maybe someday i will find someone that will be able to keep private things private. i look forward to that day, the day i will be able to express myself emotionally. shed a tear, break a glass, say “i love you”, with out gossip. i really do look forward to having my trust issues settled. maybe it can be soon.”
sometime in '99, i don't remember the exact date.
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