i needed to see this as a full piece.
“i'm not trying to be accepted for who i am anymore; right now i'm more focused on being understood for what i am.” – me
“it took me a long time to change my thinking on the way i felt about how people receive me; probably too long to be totally honest. but i did; and i think it was because i finally got tired of feeling like i was being tolerated by others, like i was somebody they put up with…until they eventually came to the realization that i wasn’t going to change who i was and were forced to submit to acceptance. ‘cause apparently i’ve “triangle choked” a lot of those i’ve had relationships with in my day; and i possess a repertoire of various “armbars” and “leg locks” waiting for anyone who’s willing to spend enough time with me.
but maybe it wasn’t the feeling someone had to stomach me that caused the shift in my opinion. maybe it was the fact that people actually had the audacity to tell me, repeatedly i might add, they had “tapped out” to their acquiescence of who i was. ‘cause nothing says “i love you for you” like hearing something to the effect of “i can’t change you so i’ll just try not to let any of your quirks bother me too much” over and over.
her: “brian, i…i don’t get you; but you are who you are and i can live with that.”
me: “umm…ok.”
now i see in using diplomacy then, i’d responded improperly. and that if i had used a suitable comeback when she’d said what she did, the exchange of dialogue between us probably would have been…
her: “brian, i…i don’t get you; but you are who you are and i can live with that.”
me: “umm…fuck you.”
haha! i’m laughing, but only because i can see myself delivering both lines in the same manner: in a deadpan tone without raising my voice or losing my calm. and i think it’s funny she would’ve gotten identical reactions from me; despite the huge difference in what was said. but i digress…i realize now that the latter response seems much more appropriate, considering my current mindset; especially since i don’t remember ever asking for anyone’s permission to be myself, much less begging for anyone’s approval of me. i am who i am; you either like me or you don’t, but “acceptance” is no longer an option.
i’ll only accept being understood these days and blah blah, more blah…what the fuck am i doing? no seriously, what am i doing with this piece? ‘cause from reading the first part of this again, i’ve deduced that apparently i have just been going off on a tangent about how i’ve been treated by people in the past and that wasn’t my intention at all. well, you know, laying the foundation for the crux of an thought i had was, but not in coming off like a whiny bitch in the preparation of the groundwork on that thought. this isn’t about me; see the idea behind this rant, er, piece is me trying to discover what happens after you’ve determined that you’ve found someone who also believes personal relationships are sustained, not by the tolerance of another’s flaws, but through one’s appreciation of them? what happens if you’ve come across a person in your life who’s never claimed to have accepted you for what you are…because you know they’ve never desired to “accept” you for what are? what do you do when you’ve known from your first encounter with someone that they truly “got” you; and from your first conversation you’ve felt they had a genuine understanding of who you really are? i don’t know, maybe i should talk to someone who has experienced this.
and let’s say i did find someone i could ask in an effort to gain a few answers to my questions. let’s say i, hypothetically, found a woman who holds a man in such a regard; that she believes him to be that “someone” my previous inquires have alluded to. hell, let’s even pretend in this supposed scenario, that the “someone” this woman has placed in such high esteem is a man a lot like me; i mean, a lot like me. and when asked to describe the connection she possessed with that man, she used the following statements the same way she had when she’d been talking to that man…
“you're the only person that's understood me completely.”
and…
“you are the only one that will ever understand me completely.”
reiterating what she had said earlier; this time with emphasis on the word “only”…
i imagine that i would probably thank her for her candor; but walk away with the feeling our discussion hadn’t produced any new answers to the questions i’d come to her with.
so i’m left to ponder this…especially because i know i wasn’t referring to myself in the first paragraph of this part. if that person and i are both looking for the same thing in life: a connection based on understanding and not acceptance; and she’d said similar things the fictitious woman had said to me and meant every word when she said them, why the fuck are “we”, or what "we" could be, merely a thought of a little less than 900 words?”
8-7-12
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