"i am no poet here; my pen's the spout where the rain water of my eyes run out." - john cleveland
"torn between two opposing forces; a rock, a hard place. unable to choose a route, unwilling to make a decision. which is the lesser evil. to knowingly follow a path that leads to destruction. the destruction of my mind, and of my heart, everything that makes me what i am. to knowingly place myself in the middle of indecisiveness, indifferent to any consequences that may befall me. do i continue to fight for the one thing i've ever wanted or concede that it isn't mine to have?
i sit and i watch. and i stare. seconds would pass. minutes. and yet, time stands still as i continue this torturous game of of erotic peek-a-boo. a game i seem to be playing by myself. one man's solo journey into a world of self-indulgence. so don't do this to me. don't deny me these pleasures. looking at you. the moment when our eyes meet, the instant i swear i am looking past your exterior into the depths of your soul. when i can see the love in your heart illuminating your face. and every time i steal a glance, i fall for you all over again. touching you. being with with you. don't deny me the joy that you bring to my life, in the little things. those simple acts, the nothings i long for. wondering why i can't be that person that you think about in your greatest moments of happiness. asking myself why can't i be the one you feel is your completion. hoping i can be everything you want in a man, everything you deserve. romantic, loving, nurturing. wishing i was the reason you can't concentrate, why your mind wanders, what you dream about at night. so you'd know how it feels to be me. to be totally taken with someone. totally captivated by them. that's what you do to me. that's how i feel about you...
i didn't know so i left.
the first time i visit i tell you that i want to talk and motion over at a corner where i think we can speak in private. it has been a long time since i've talked to you. actually it's been a long time since there's been any kind of interaction between us. no phone calls, no e-mails, no letters. three months is quite a while to be separated from someone that you love. love? yeah, during my three-month separation from you i've come to realize that i do love you. at first i tried to rationalize that my leaving wouldn't affect our friendship. we were friends, nothing would change that. we'd never tried to be anything more than that. and in an evaluation of my own relationship with you, i've come to realize that we really don't have defined roles. so i wonder...what are we? the obvious answer is that we're friends. i know that. you know that. but when we talk, there always seems to be something left unsaid, some secret thing that we hide from each other. as if holding back feelings we have, denying ourselves the opportunity of being more. so i could stand in front of you and downplay the feelings i had been developing. but the distance between us has caused me to seriously think about the chance i hadn't jumped at. with only the space between us stopping me...
i had to know so i came back.
if i tell you i love you, like in that "more than friends" kind of love, would it make any difference in our situation? because i do. i can honestly say if i tell you i love you like that, i would be telling you the truth. that's the way i feel about you. you'll never know how much i need you. and how much i want you. and much i love you. but i don't tell you. because i don't think telling you would make any difference in our situation. and if i tell you i love you and you don't feel the same, i would be crushed. and i don't think you feel the way i do yet, so i say nothing. even though hiding the feelings i have for you are burdensome and stressful on my heart and my emotions are consuming me, i remain silent...
what am i doing? why do i continue to put myself through this, this emotional torture, this heartache. i don't need this but i can't seem to detach myself from it. it's like we're permanent partners in life. me and unrequited love. a love that you continue to spurn. a love that you don't seem to want. so why do i keep trying to give it to you? why? because i can't help but wonder what would happen if you decided to give your love to me. if i would finally be happy. if my life would finally seem complete. but maybe it wouldn't. maybe i'd be better without you. i wonder if i could exist without you. what i would do if we didn't share this bond? what i would do if we were those cliched ships passing in the night? but right now, it seems i'll never get the chance to find out. and my emotional state has become a life sentence, with no possibility of parole. no, life is too soft. it's a death sentence. emotional problems that only death can cure. because i love you and you don't seem to care. but i can't stop torturing myself with thoughts of you...
i had to let you know so i told you.
taking you by the hand, i start by saying that i've known you for a while, how i watched you grow before my eyes and develop into a woman. like a caterpillar to a butterfly, you've emerged from a period of awkwardness and uncertainty to spread your wings for the world around you. that i remember how you used to question and doubt your own value. and now you see the beauty in yourself, what i saw a long time ago. you've crushed me and i love you. and i think you love me too. but experience has forced me to come to the realization that loving someone isn't a guarantee that you'll actually get an opportunity to be with them for whatever reason. so we need to make the most of this opportunity at loving each other. the door of an "us together" is open, and we should go through that door hand-in-hand...
so i'm sorry. i know it seems that i'm looking for love instead of letting it come to me. and maybe that's not what you want. maybe you've always let love come to to you, let whatever happen, happen with whoever you were with at that time. but i've never like that. i'm a guy who goes to extremes. in the past, i just never placed myself in a relationship. i wasn't looking for love or anything else. i kept myself in my studies, working on my intellectual side. trying to learn everything i could. but because i was doing this my social skills never developed. interaction with others, especially females, became difficult. and so i began to look at movie romances as the, no, my concept of love. the idea of meeting someone who completely captures my heart and wanting to spend the rest of my life with them. i began to long for this. so it was me at one extreme of the other. either totally alone, with no one to love or stuck in a fantasy, that maybe only exists in the movies. no in-between. so if it seems that i'm looking for love, it's because i haven't found a middle ground yet. i'm still looking...
but to finally be committed to a relationship. to finally be committed to being with someone. giving that person my heart. giving that person my all. but have i totally committed myself to this? have i totally committed everything i have to us? i don't think so. i know i keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. and that you want to know these things. but making myself vulnerable isn't something i like to do. letting someone come into my world. into the way i think, the way i feel. i've never been able to do this before. never been able to let someone get close to me. so i wonder to myself, "is this fair to you? is this fair to us?" and i don't know. and that bothers me because i want us to work. but the problems that have hindered me in the past continue to threaten my future. so forgive me if i seem distant. or cold. i'm trying to change. i want to be better. i just need some time. time with you. time for us...
so i disagree with you. no, i don't think you're right. you said that eventually i won't think about you all the time like i do now. that time will cause our love to dwindle to the point where you won't occupy every single thought i have. but you are wrong. i don't think this will ever happen. your presence will always be on my mind if only to where i'm wondering what you would do or say in a certain situation. the difference in our opinions comes in my idea that i won't allow you to not be in my thoughts. that the time that you aren't on my mind won't come because i won't allow it to. it will just be that i'll be able to concentrate on other things while thinking of you. now, when i'm thinking about you i can't function at my daily routine. i forget to do things and lose my train of thought easily. but i'm not mad at that. i kind of like the fact that i have someone that blows my mind. someone that makes it difficult for me to maintain my composure when they're in my company. i like it that thinking about you fills me with a feeling i've never experienced before. a joy, a love that can't be described. so why would i stop thinking about you if you make me feel this way? and that's why i never will.
still, what we had began to change...
what's with the phone call? and the questions? you have me dazed and confused. i mean, why are you unsure of my love for you? have i done anything to make you think i've changed my feelings towards you? did i say something that gave you the impression that you don't mean as much to me as before? i don't think i did. so what's going on? is this really even about me? my feelings haven't changed since the day you said you were mine. the day i said i love you for the first time is still the happiest day of my life. but for some reason you've begun to question my desire. "am i in love with you or do i love you?" yeah, i know there's a difference but do you even need to ask? you said before you could see something in my eyes that told you i was in love in you. is that something missing now? did it somehow vanish and fade in the past few days? i don't understand this sudden doubt of my feelings. or my thoughtfulness. it really disappoints me that you would even entertain the notion that i wasn't completely devoted to you. i thought we were above the foolishness. things we both don't need. my feelings are true. my desire is real. i love you. and i'm in love with you. don't ever question that...
if i were any other man this probably wouldn't even bother me. but i'm not, so it does. and if i was used to the pain and heartache from an actually relationship, maybe i could just take this in stride. not let it affect me and move on with my life. but i'm not. so i can't...
i began to wonder why we haven't been talking. so i called you and asked what was going on. then you gave me this story of how you had been in relationships, one right after another, for a long time now and that you needed some time to be alone. that when we hooked up you had just ended a relationship with someone else. for me. but you realized you still have feelings for this other guy. and you have feelings for me. so you decided to just be by yourself until you had sorted out those feelings and who you wanted to be with. and then we were breaking up...
sometimes when i walk by you, you look at me with such a wanting, some longing wish for communication, that all i could do was look at the ground and keep going. so you can't see the hurt i'm living with. so you can't see the pain in my eyes. i never know what words to use, so i say nothing. what do you say to someone who has broken your heart?
i still don't know...
i stand outside, alone in the street. as the rain continues its downpour on me. i'm soaked and yet i can't feel it. my mind isn't on the rain. it's totally oblivious to the conditions. i can only think about you. flashing back to those nights of passion we shared. recalling scenes of you and me, flash, me in you, flash, side by side, intertwined in our desire for one another. us together, two separate beings, in one single moment of time, joined as one entity, possessing one spirit, one energy. i extend my arms in the chilly night air, reaching out for you. desperately wanting. hopelessly needing. but then the thunder rolls and i'm startled from my thoughts and brought back to reality. back to my reality. the endless black before me and the rain around me. back to the solitude of misery. i cry out from my knees, "i need you!!!" "i need you!!!", realizing i'd said this to you many times before. and though i always meant it, the recent events between us have caused me to question whether i actually know what these words entail. the power they contain or the significance they hold. "i need you." you know, sometimes when we'd talk i'd say it, just because i wanted, no, i needed you to know how much you meant to me. but i ask myself why as my tears and the precipitation mix as they run down my face? i've never really been happy before so why cry now? and then i realize i'm crying because these flashbacks are from a distant past for us. and i don't want a past with you. i don't want memories. they only remind me what we once were. i want the future that is eluding us. i want you again.
i want this rain gone."
sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them. just finished today.
