Finally Finished..."Gut-Spilling"

"i sabotage myself. i fuck up my hair, wear wrinkled clothes; i make myself as unappealing as i can. i scowl, i ignore, i dismiss, all in order to keep myself as alienated from females as i possibly can. the saddest truth is that while i love them, and i do love them, i'm probably as scared of them now as i've ever been. i worry. and it's not even that i think i'm not good enough for any particular female. i mean, i know i have qualities that attract women. it's more that i think i may not be good enough for a woman. so i don't make any efforts towards them. thus i sit here, angry at people who've found other people and people who try to find people, but mostly i'm angry at myself. because i'm aware of what i'm doing and yet i won't change. i can see the pattern of behavior repeating itself over and over and while i'm content with that, i haven't been frustrated enough to stop it either. truthfully, i look back and i see i've only had one kind of relationship. it's like i seek out the most unattainable girl i can find and allow her to dictate us with her "maybes" and her "i don't knows" and her "let me think abouts..." and instead of me telling every girl that's said she had to weigh over my pitch to "eat shit and die", i would be waiting for her answer, blowing off other girls who may have had feelings for me. people have asked if i like the challenge, they wonder why i make finding a woman so difficult. i wonder too. but i know that every female i've ever wanted has come with serious obstacles between us. "i liked her, she had a dude." "i liked her, she doesn't know what she wanted." "i liked her, she liked pissing me off." "i liked her, she lived a hundred miles away." maybe i think challenges are more rewarding . when i like somebody though, i can't focus on trying to be with other people. i only think about being with them, which is the most fucked-up part. they're doing whatever they do and i'm beating the shit out of myself, like by being faithful to them. but the fuck can you be faithful to someone you're not in a relationship with? "being faithful" implies commitment by both parties, doesn't it? writing this is making me upset. i'm dropping more 4-letter bombs than i care to. i guess admitting the truth to yourself makes you drop 4-letter bombs."

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them. just finished today.