Writes..."Baby Steps"

me: “...a new beginning begins with me.”
her: “i can’t believe how that just made me smile. if ur lookin for a blush i’ve got one for u:) a new beginning begins with u? i believe that to be true…maybe thas y i’m smiling huh?”

me: “do you really believe a new beginning begins with me?”
her: "i do… it kind of scares me tho”
me: “me too. but i feel like i’m better just knowing you think that.”
her: "good bcuz it’s the truth…”

"i'm not gonna be around forever. i'm not; and i have no qualms about that realization. people tend to take getting older for granted, but i don't; i thank god everyday for another day i'm still breathing. life is transient at best; you get a couple of years and you try not to waste them with trivial bullshit like unnecessary drama from unnecessary people. so i choose not to fuck up my time here. i'm on a mission; my own crusade of getting what i want. and i want her. question? if you found what you were looking for in another in this life, what would prevent you from pursuing them?

"im scared of this thing that we hav going on bcuz its so innocent and pure but i know deep down that we both want to taint it with love sex drama and kids lol! well i do at least...:-)" – her

me: “:) so we are gonna taint this right? lol!”
her: “i hope so lol!”
me: "i’m gonna need you to know so. lol!”
her: “lol!! ok…i know:)”
me: "that’s better."

her: "i wanna take it slow so that we don’t ruin anything"
me: "slow is good. i want you to be sure you want me. :)"

"i'm not gonna be around forever." when i first wrote those words i knew they could be interpreted different ways. one might think i was saying that we're wasting time not being together and i'm not going to spend a lot of time doing what we're doing. i guess someone could take that meaning from my words but that wasn't my intention in writing them; i only meant to point out that my time here on earth is finite and i won't be around forever. i know i want her; i know she wants me; and while there's a happiness that comes in knowing how we feel about one another, i believe there'd be a greater joy in acting on those feelings. i'm scared; and she scared; and because of that we could continue to delay and deny ourselves, perhaps even move on to other people due to the uncertainty of "us", but those things would be mistakes. letting fear determine "our" future would be a mistake. i'm an arrogant man, but i don't think it's an arrogant statement to say nobody has, or ever will, love her the way i do and will. love her harder may be; love her better definitely is. you know what?! fuck it! i'll say both of those things as well. i am that cocky! but me saying them and her believing them aren't the same thing. so i'll ask her...i'll ask her if she considers a word i speak, one lacking substance; or a word i pen, one without meaning; has she deemed words from me to merely be words? i hope not; i've never really been much for talking. i've been called "shy", "quiet", even "antisocial"...and at times i've been all of those things. it's just that i don't like to waste my words or the energy it takes to bring them to life. when i say or write something, i'm exposing my innermost thoughts and feelings to others; sharing a part of myself that i normally wouldn't. and even though i've written and spoken these words before; and even if this isn't something she's trying to hear right now; the truth is: i love her. period. and i won't say that i shouldn't, even if someone might, because i believe in love without limitations; it can't be defined by time or distance. she once said that she was scared of ruining our friendship by adding love and relationship to the mix; and while i can't speak on the "relationship" part without sounding like i possess the optimism of a hopeless romantic (which i am), i know that the "love" between us already exists. and i know that i've never had any problems with basic addition.

me: "when i said i wanted you, you asked me if i was sure. why do you think i wouldn’t be? and are you sure you want me?"
her: "yes i’m sure of what i want i jus want to take things slow bcuz i love our friendship an i jus wanted to make sure that u were sure wen i asked u lol!"
me: "and you want me? :)"
her: "yes:)"
me: ":) i want you too. we can take this slow, i’m not going anywhere. this bond is too important to me to rush us. :)"

but i understand what she's saying, though i see my recent past has given me a different opinion on what to do about "us". we'd wanted to be together but we waited and waited until there wasn't a "we" anymore; and i'm more afraid of that for us than i am of anything else; of losing out because we think we have more time than we do. she believes in fate and destiny; and she's said if something's meant to be you can't lose out. i believe in fate and destiny as well; and that we're meant to be; i just want as much time as i can get with her while we're both still here. "i'm not gonna be around forever" isn't an ultimatum towards our situation, it's the reality of our own mortality. we're born...then we die. and in the time between, we love; sometimes even loving the right person; and sometimes having that love returned equally; but loving nonetheless. if it's true that the things we are attract people to ourselves that have characteristics similar to our own, then believing that we've been drawn together for a purpose far greater than our own comprehension isn't unreasonable. neither is believing that this is our opportunity at loving the right person and having them love you back equally. this is our shot at being loved the way we deserve to be loved. but i won't rush her into an "us". we're already an "us", even if we aren't using a label for our relationship. we're connected in a way beyond friendship; beyond artist and muse. my two greatest assets are my brain and my heart, and she's in synch with both.

her: “lol! i jus watched this movie that reminded me of us..this guy was an artist and he kept callin the girl he was with his muse:)”
me: “you the girl i'm with? ;) hmmm...”
her: “i don't know...lol...u tell me!”
me: “lol! am i the guy you're with? ;)”
her: “well since were takin it slow..i'd hav to say that that's what i'm aiming for…”

"with every word i pen she falls more in love with me; so i'll write until the day she lets me catch her." - me

so if in loving you have to crawl before you walk, i'll take baby steps because what we'll become when we start running is the goal every person strives to attain. i guess in the end it doesn't matter how slow you are at the math, 1 plus 1 will always equal 2; so shouldn't 1/2 plus 1/2 equal what we're supposed to be together?"