Finally Finished..."Nicole Simpson Can't Rap...And Neither Can I...V"

"i long for a much simpler time
where way of life and piece of mind
to a younger version of me
when all i had was fantasy
when all i had was sanity
that me i had to leave behind
my city's small, my world is black
holding on? it's strength i lack
and courage too. i don't have much
heroic qualities and such
my hands, seem a poisonous touch
my tongue, constant for an attack
i walk darkened streets in despair
october winds have chilled the air
i pass the drunks outside the bars
my path, lighted by the parked cars
and yet, uncertain, like the stars
heaven, hell, i'm already there
any yet, i press on through the night
deserted streets, no one's in sight
i'm a sinner, a drowning pool
this life's a joke and i'm a fool
though i'm a dick, the assholes rule
but i survive, it's fight or flight
still i long for a simpler time
where way of life and piece of mind
because right now i walk alone
i walk alone 'cause i am alone
the only way i've ever known
my world's black but this world is mine"

again, all apologies to "real" rappers, i'm still just fucking around.

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them. just finished today.

Writes..."The First 100 Days"

"just like every president, the success of this blog will now be judged for its first 100 days in existence. i campaigned for the job of "primary contributor" on the platform of realness, that the things i'd write would be my own thoughts and that they would come from the heart. and based on those things i've already accomplished everything i wanted to with this blog. i've written things that i've laughed at and things that have made me cry, but in the end, my goal was to get some stuff off my chest and i've done that. and will continue to, as long as stuff continues to get on it."

Writes..."Top 10 Reasons Not To Date A "Brian Wilson"

"i don't even know why i'm writing this. wait, my girl natasha posted a thought with a similar title and the sarcastic side of me couldn't help myself, that's why. so let me see if i can come up with ten reasons why i'm relationship-cancer. hmmm.....

1.) i'm an asshole.

2.) i love too hard. (see #1.)

3.) i care too much. (see #2.)

4.) (see #1.)

5.) (see #2.)

6.) (see #3.)

7.) (see #1.) (seriously, did you see #1.?)

8.) (see #1.) (read it again...)

9.) (see #1.) (and again...)

10.) (see #1.) (now believe it.)

i did it. 10 reasons...aww, sarcasm."

Writes..."Does She Wish Her Fingers Were Mine?"

"it had been a long day and all she wanted to do was get home and out of the clothes that had been her restraints since early that morning, and as soon as she walked through the door of her home if she could help it. and as soon as she turned the deadbolt to lock the door, her suit jacket was unbuttoned and on its way to the floor. followed by a heel kicked aside and then the other, her skirt tossed on the couch and her blouse landing over the back of a chair. "whatever", she thought, "i'll get that shit later", as she walked down the hallway and into the bathroom. she turned the shower nozzle until the water was near scalding, which she felt was really the only temperature there was when it came to taking a shower. steam quickly filled the bathroom, and as she walked to her bedroom to remove her undergarments she thought about how stressful her day had been, and how relaxing letting her cares and worries leave her like the water cascading down her body would be. and she smiled. a hot shower was always the solution for a shitty day and today had been pretty shitty. so she took off her lingerie and made her way back to her watery sanctuary.

first, one foot and then the other, as she stepped into the shower. "wow, the water's perfect", she thought as it began its assault on her body. and for a moment, she stood there motionless, reflecting on the day's happenings as the water hit her. how dave the i.t. guy had pissed her off in the morning over some network problems the company she worked for was having. how a mid-morning meeting had run long and she had missed lunch, having to settle for a turkey sandwich and a banana out of the vending machine. how sally the secretary had made thirty copies of the wrong spreadsheet of financial information she needed for the next day. "let it go", she thought, "day's over", and her focus turned to me. because i'm usually what she thought of when she was shutting down the "work" her and going into "anti-work" mode. everyday, when she declared her day done, she thought of me. and she thought of us and what we had been. she grabbed her shampoo and squeezed out enough to wash her hair with. her eyes closed, she remembered the last time we'd attempted a shower together. "not much showering going on that time", she thought, smiling as she turned around to rinse the shampoo out of her hair. she opened up her eyes and i was there. her hair now "pantene-free", she turned to face the water again as she reached out for her vanilla-scented body wash and squirted out a small amount into her hand, working it into a lather. another thought of our last shower and i was behind her again, her hands became my hands and we were one once again. i started at her neck, planting kisses on it as i massaged the body wash into her skin, sensually with a lover's touch. moving on to her shoulders and arms next, then our hands slid to her chest, caressing her breasts and nipples, until they stiffened from my touch. she imagined the feeling of my fingers being replaced by my tongue and the sensation of having it pass over them. a carnal moan escaped from her throat. she had longed for my touch and right then the release that came along with it was what she craved. i slid our hands from her breasts, down her abdomen and onto her outer thighs, leaving behind my own private trail of sudsy circles on her wet body. she moved in such a way, she seemed to dance to a song that only she heard. i continued to wash her, her legs and feet, returning to get the back of her and then to her inner thighs. she opened up her stance a little more, allowing me access to a place i had claimed as my own long before. "bri..ooh...ooh...yes!" her hand...my hand...and thoughts of me, on her womanhood, slowly at first, gradually increasing speed. her breathing was erratic, excited, her words, incoherent. "bri...oh my god! oh my g...!" faster and faster, until her body exploded and she screamed out in orgasm. "yes...yes...yes!" and she collapsed onto the shower wall, unable to stand, her knees weak from climax. after a few minutes she regained her composure enough to turn off the water and exit the shower. taking a towel from the rack she dried herself off, wrapping it around her body as she turned out the bathroom lights and started towards her bedroom.

as soon as she entered her room the towel dropped to the floor. she crawled onto her bed naked, on top of tousled sheets and tossed-about pillows. the matching bra and panty set she once wore, crumbled in a black satin heap upon the floor. she was totally exposed and vulnerable, wishing someone was touching her in the places that excited her. wishing i was there touching her in the places that she'd already promised were mine and mine alone. at a time that i'd explored every inch of her body with lips, fingertips, and tongue and left an indelible impression of our passion scorched in her memory. a feeling she needed desperately to feel at that moment, a feeling she needed to re-create. she ran her hands along the length of her, slowly, from her breasts, down her sides and legs and back to her inner thighs, re-tracing a route i'd traveled before. but this time she was going to have to take the journey solo. this time i wasn't coming to replace her fingers with my fingers. i wasn't coming to blaze another path on her body. i wasn't coming...at all. i wouldn't be there to hear her moaning and mumbling nonsense when she reached her apex. i wouldn't be there to see the look of elation she had after her second, no, third orgasm and she was finally sated. i wasn't there, so the memory of what we had once been would have to be enough for both her and myself.

i always wonder when she's alone and her hands begin to roam her body, is it me she's thinking of? i wonder if she wishes her fingers were my fingers? i wonder if she wants me there with her? i wonder..."

Writes..."I Understand I'm Tired Of Understanding"

"i honestly think i use the term "i understand" more than i say my own name. "i understand", "brian", "i understand", "brian"...wait, i know i do. i don't even use my own name when speaking so i guess that was a bad attempt at an exaggeration. or hyperbole or whatever. people say stuff and i can appreciate their situation and the why's they do the things they do or feel a certain way about something. i can. and if i can't, i at least try to. life is hard and sometimes it's pretty shitty and i'd like to think that having someone at least attempt to empathize with them during that bullshit would make a person feel a little bit better about what they were going through.

but "i understand" is getting old. 'cause i'm always having to "understand" some shit that i'm not trying to hear. she says, "blah blah...(something i'm not liking)", i say, "i understand". he says "blah blah...(he's flaking on me)", i say, "i understand". be better, people. 'cause i don't know who "understands" what i'm saying to them when it's not what they want. "understanding" is tiring, no, i guess i'm getting tired of "understanding" stuff, is a more accurate statement. so "i understand" may have to be removed from my vernacular and replaced with "yep" or "gotcha" or some other term that can easily be perceived as asshole-ish. so now if she says, "blah blah...(bad stuff for me)", i counter with "gotcha, uh huh" and let that shit go. "understanding" is holding on and my arms are hurting and my fingers are slipping. so no more "i understand's" from me. fuck that. "gotcha" is the way to go now, even at the risk of looking like an asshole. and maybe i can get somebody to "understand" why it's come to this."

Presents..."Ichirei" by Jasmin Williams

"looking up into the warmest eyes l've seen in years, my arms slowly wind their way around his neck. my lips curve into a mischievous smile and i know he has the same idea. embracing each other after a long await reunion and it feels like we never left. like his arms have held me a thousand times before. this is the moment that we've both been longing for, that outlast any other moments we create. this is our ichirei."

Finally Finished..."A Time She Was Mine"

"i flashback in my mind
in my mind, in my mind
to the time you were mine
all the time in my mind

it's that night on the floor
it's that day in my bed
do you hear what i said
they flashback in my mind

when i thought they were dead
but i guess that they're not
i go back to the spot
to the time you were mine

i remember that night
it was right, oh so right
you and me, me in you
under stars and their light

night sky, the chilly air
with our hands everywhere
doing what my hands do
gently stroking your hair

to caressing your face
seeking out a new place
of my own on your lips
discovering its taste

we've got time so no haste
love at an lover's pace
your back, your waist, your hips
love in a private place

i remember these things
still longing for the time
you are mine, all the time
not memories in my mind"

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them. just finished today.

Presents..."Obey And Reward" by Jasmin Williams

"receptively my eyes adjust to the darkness of the cloth over my eyes, my ears move towards the sound of you breathing near my neck. we began this game so many hours ago and here we are still.... my heart beat quickens when i feel the static of your body so close to mine. please i say but your finger over my lips silences my mouth. this time i am still like water without a breeze and i am rewarded with a kiss so gentle my knees threaten to give out. and this is the game we play over and over, obey and reward."

Re-Writes..."Missing You"

"even in those first seconds of the realization of my leaving, i am overwhelmed by a sense of loneliness, a sudden rush of feelings of solitude. thoughts of abandonment, despair, hopelessness. wondering what makes me feel this way. why does distance bring about pain? i miss you then. at your front door, kissing you while you're barefoot. holding you in my arms. enjoying one last moment with you before i left. i miss you now. at the bus station terminal. sitting. watching the second hand, tick, tick, tick, on the wall above me. seconds pass. minutes. and my heart longs for you. and my thoughts remain frozen to our last encounter together. my lips on yours, our bodies as one, forever captured in an instant in time. and i am startled from these thoughts with the conclusion that i will continue to miss you until we are reunited and you are once again in my arms."

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them.

Presents..."For You" by Jasmin Williams

"even in the dark i can see you. i know your watching ready to pounce. my breath falls short when your chest presses against my back and your lip touch my neck. i feel the soft winding of your arms around my waist and the fluttering of your fingers on my belly. this is unreal and so delicious, my lips begin to throb with anticipation of tasting you. my eyes try to adjust in the darkness only to be covered. i feel myself spin and i'm afraid of falling but your hands are there holding me, leaving fiery prints on my body rubbing my hair and my lips, so sweet. your voice is so soft when you tell me you want me i almost don't hear. as i turn my head towards the sound of you, your strong hands pull my hair and i feel your lips and teeth on my neck, the sensation of your body so close drives me wild and i reach for you. dodging my grasp you lay me down and I feel your breath down my chest and on my stomach. the weight of you on top of me causes me to flow, sending electricity where it is needed and heat where it is desired. at last you bless my lips with a taste of you. i want nothing more than to consume as much of you as i can. you can have every part of me you want, just please me to no and give me you in return."

Presents..."Mine" by Jasmin Williams

"undoubtedly your face is the most angelic, the urge to grab and the urge to shield my eyes are simultaneously struggling for domination. my mind wanders carelessly and effortlessly with thoughts of what it would be like. to be in your arms is the ultimate goal, to hear your voice is what my ears desire, to feel your touch is all my body needs. you have captured me and i am your willing slave, indulge yourself with commandments, whatever you need... my heart is full of desire anticipating the moment until i am yours forever."

Another Favorite Poet...Jasmin Williams

"i'd be remiss if i didn't add my girl jazz to my list of favorites for poetry. i've probably known her my whole life...a long time. her work is hot. and i believe she writes "passion" even better than i do. i'll post some of her work on my blog, check it out, and if she ever decides to start a page, you'll find the link here first."

Presents..."Untitled" by Sethlina Konadu-Agyemang

"what would you do if every time
you fell in love
you had to say good-bye?
what would you do if every time
you wanted someone
they would never be there?
what would you do, if your best friend died
tomorrow and you never got to
tell them how you felt?
what would you do if you
loved someone more than ever and you
couldn't have them?
some people live, and some people die
and some people dream and pray and hope and wish and love
but i want to tell you
i love you, and you are a true friend.
if i died tomorrow
you would be in my heart.
would i be in yours?"

Finally Finished..."When She's Gone"

"every time the wind blows past my window
i hear your voice so sweet
telling me that you love me
wishing that you could be here with me
and i shed a tear for being lonely
but just one, no more, no less
because the thought of you inspires me
and visions of you keep me comforted
in the days when i can't touch you
or feel your breath on my neck
whispering in my ear, things that sustain me
in your absence, you love me with your all"

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them. just finished today.

Re-Writes..."She's In My Head, She's On My Mind"

"stop thinking about her, i keep telling myself. focus on something else. baseball or politics or something else to divert your attention, anything else. but i keep seeing images of her in my head, proof she's having some impact on me and my life. and i'm flustered. she's making it difficult for me to exist normally. i can't concentrate. i can't think. look. "to be or not to be, that is the question. whether it is nobler...i wonder what she's wearing. mike piazza, career batting average of .320...what is she doing right now? magna carta, circa 1215 a.d....remember that time when she...see! she's interfering with my thoughts! she's everywhere! get out of my head! i'm losing it."

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them.

Finally Finished..."Content"

"what is content? no, what is being content? because that's her word. and i've often contemplated it when thinking about her. but now i look at her, deep into her eyes and i can see the hurt in them. there is a pain so intense, so palpable that i can feel it as it surrounds her. and yet, i am unmoved by it, as if all the shit between us, that's built up over time has jaded me into this apathetic being before her. but our experiences have formed my indifference. the choices she's made in the relationship we have and the way i have handled them have finally taken their toll on me. in the past, as with every other thing in my life, i have been the one to suppress what i have been feeling or thinking in order to spare someone else. always holding back. always keeping myself in check. but right now, in the presence of another's pain, i've realized i've had enough. enough of my own repressive nature. enough of the "me, me, me" attitude of others. and i explode. "fuck your obsessive, jealous boyfriend. fuck your doomed, just another statistic relationship. fuck contentment. 'i'm content.' what is that?! fuck that. but most of all, fuck you! for making me want you. and for making me need you. because i don't need this. i don't need this shit. the strain of knowing the details of a relationship that i wish i had. being asked for advice for situations that i want. having intimate knowledge of a relationship without the intimacy. which is like a big "fuck you". a big "fuck you" right to my face. it's like know this aspect of us, know something as intimate as the fact that you hadn't ever orgasmed when being with him sexually. ever. know that he isn't sensitive enough to care about you or your needs. know that when we were together that wasn't a problem. but whatever, you're content to live in a loveless, sexually-unfulfilled life. and know that he's a jealous man, threatening and imposing, sometimes making you afraid for your own life. but you're content to live in a perpetual state of fear, where at any moment rage could overtake this man and your life could be in danger. know these things. and i do know those things. you haven't hesitated at any opportunity to ingrain them into my mind. you're content. okay, i get it. but you should know this. if what you are is content, i say fuck contentment because i don't want it. i don't want anything like it. fuck it. know that. know that there's more to life than the bullshit you call contentment between you two." and with that i walk away, content to end the conversation on that."

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them. just finished today.

Finally Finished..."Every Time"

"every time i talk to her
every time i think about her
every time she's in my arms
every time my hands are in hers
every time my lips are on hers
every time i'm close enough to whisper into her ear
every time i feel her breath on my neck
every time she puts her head on my shoulder
every time i touch her
every time she looks at me
yes, every time she looks at me
i realize just how much i love her"

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them. just finished today.

Finally Finished..."Love's Brink"

"who has ever been in love
who has ever been to the edge
and seen the depths of their love
really seen how far it went
seen just how far they would go
what they would do for the one they loved
have they discovered what they would sacrifice
have they found what they could gain
who has ever been completely consumed
with emotions so overwhelming
that they proved necessary for life
that they seemed incapable to live without
you see, i've been to the edge
to the limit of human anguish
i've been to the brink and seen
the endlessness of suffering
seen the desperate attempts of others
heard the woeful cries of many
people who have loved and lost
that they only remember lost
it's better only to a fool
from experiencing this pain only confirms a feeling they've once known
that the true meaning of life is in one's own heart
and emotions they're once felt
having the memories of their love
serve a painful reminders of a sense of lacking
but reminders that they once had
the greatest thing they'd ever know
who has ever been in love
who has ever been to the edge
i've been to the edge and seen
seen the depths of my love"

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them. just finished today.

Finally Finished..."Dead Roses"

"looking down i could see my lifeless body in the oak coffin, cold and pale, yet dressed to provide, at least to myself, such an ironic contrast that i almost laughed out loud. a slight smile on my face as if to say i had known death would provide some peace that had eluded me in life. fitted in a navy blue, double-breasted suit with silver pinstripes and a silk tie of the same color. dapper in death, i thought to myself, proud of the choice i'd made for my last wardrobe. and i had reason to be proud. i could hear the comments from the men as they passed my coffin to bid me farewell. "it's too bad", one said, "but that's a nice suit"."he was much too young", said another, "but i like what he's wearing". their words, though seemingly sincere and heartfelt, relayed an underlying shallowness to me that i would have despised, had i been a person grieving behind them in line. but i wasn't. i was laying in a box, with people crying over me, touching me, seeking closure with the person i had been. as if trying to recapture the connection that we held in our past.

i watched them all, each with their own personal perceptions of me. every man, every woman, each with their own stories and thoughts and experiences we had once shared, until i saw her. her presence seemingly like everyone else's, merely a formality yet so much more. her hands told the story of how she felt. they trembled and shook with an intensity that surprised me. i knew that we shared a connection unlike any other i had had with another person. but i never imagined that my death would have affected her so much. in life i had always tried to think of myself as a little insignificant and at my passing people would spend a day or two reflecting on their experiences with me and then resume their lives as if i never existed. but the scene before me had shattered my thinking. her tears were so genuine, they ached of sadness. her eyes screamed of desperation for the closeness we once had. i could actually feel the pain in her heart.

there was something in the way her fingers touched my face. light and feathery, the way a woman touches her lover's face while they share a passionate moment. her movement, slow and deliberate, as her hands gently left my face and clasped my own. and at that moment, everyone else faded away and only we remained....

i longed for a particular encounter when we just sat next to one another talking. it had always been easy for me to talk to her. she made me comfortable in her presence and it seemed there wasn't any subject we couldn't hold a conversation on. somehow our talk had drifted to the topic of love, things like what we felt it was and if we had ever been in love and seeing the look in her eyes ignited feelings in me that i had so desperately been trying to keep in check. she was so passionate, i was captivated by the power of her words and overwhelmed by her conviction. there was heaven in her ideas, some extraordinary concept that i had desperately been longing for, but had yet to find. every word she spoke reflected of the person i was and revealed to me that she was the woman i wanted. she continued on, resting her hand next to mine. i watched how she tapped her fingers at every conversational pause. how i wanted to take her hand into my own. to take one small step towards possibly the greatest happiness i would've ever known. but i didn't. i let insecurity consume me and i remained paralyzed to my seat.

i remembered many times when i had had an opportunity to tell her how i felt about her. there had been plenty of chances for me to let her know what she meant to me. and even though i was totally in love with her and every part of me burned for her, i never said anything, content to continue to suppress my own feelings and desires for fear of rejection. thus, dooming myself to a life of self-denial and personal loss. and the torment that came with the daily wondering of what may have been and why we never were.

so to think of such encounters was bittersweet. because they not only serve as joyous memories of events that i'd experienced in life but as painful reminders of what i had given up. or squandered. or never taken a chance on. i loved her. for the way she made me feel and how she made me want to live. in that she taught me to see the beauty in things that before had been so insignificant to me. she showed me that there were so many exquisite sights in front of me that i had been taking for granted. i loved her for all these things...i loved her.

there was heaven in her ideas. but hell wasn't me in the coffin, it was her not knowing i loved her before i got there."

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them. just finished today.

Presents...3 Months

"58 writes...
24 re-writes...
18 presents...
9 quotes...
5 recognitions...
114 posts..."






"tomorrow marks the three-month anniversary of my blog."

Re-Writes..."A Love Decision"

"girl number one i want to love
does she want to love me
and if she had my love would she
place no one above me

she doesn't like that i don't talk
don't express my feelings
but if she only knew i hurt
pain of my revealings

girl number two i need to love
does she need to love me
and when we talking of finding love
is she thinking of me

i don't know, she doesn't tell
afraid of broken heart
but hidden truths and secret lies
are tearing us apart

girl number three i have to love
does she have to love me
and when she pens her unsaid thoughts
is she writing of me

our pasts the same and she'll agree
no one's as close to her
but if fate has brought us here then
i already knew her

who do i pick, which will i love
will they choose to love me
and will i be their greatest love
no one else above me

maybe it's none, maybe someone
of whom i've yet to find
but with decisions hard to make
and rattling my mind

but of the three, the third's the now
the one that i like most
with openness and faith we'll have
a love that we can boast

our future's here, our time to shine
i think we'll make it last
because we know that it was fate
that's made our heartache past

she's the one i want, one i need
the one i have to have
for a shoulder on which to cry
or one to share a laugh

but does she feel the same for me
and are her feelings true
'cause when she says those words to me
it makes me feel anew"

4-8-00

Re-Writes..."Smile"

"why'd you'd have to do it
that evil thing you do
a bittersweet gesture
and if you only knew

when times are hard for me
my troubles have me down
when problems make it hard
for me to even better

i hide a secret pain
of which i keep from all
hidden in emptiness
surrounded by a wall

but when i think of you
and what you do to me
it baffles my mind just
how evil you can be

but maybe you're not bad
maybe you're not that vile
maybe you're not evil
when all you do is smile

and when you smile at me
my troubles seem to wane
like doesn't seem that bad
relieve my secret pain

that perfect smile you have
that reassures all doubt
spreading light to my heart
sending the darkness out

while all these things are good
i still don't think you're right
because i know i want
what's behind that smile tonight"

3-25-00

Quotes...Peter Griffin

"you know why i married you, lois? it's not just the rack, or the caboose. it's that big sexy brain of yours."

Writes..."Niche Writing"

"jeezy said, 'yeah, be the realest shit i never wrote
i ain't write this by the way nigga, some real shit right here nigga
this'll be the realest shit you ever quote...'

well i did write this shit right here and that doesn't make it any less real. 'cause i only really know how to come one way, i come from the heart. every word that makes up every thought...from the heart. i write what i'm feeling even though there are times i'd rather not be feeling the things that i'm writing. i know pain and heartache so i write about pain and heartache. but that shit's getting old, even to me. people have told me that i have a way with words. perhaps? so why not try writing about something else? i think i'm gonna start writing about magical faraway lands, places with fairies and elves. you can call me j.r.r. "bro"-lkien. is "hobbit" copyrighted? or what about spy novels, with james bond-like characters. pussy galore? yeah, i bet. how 'bout (br)ian fleming? i don't know, i just know i need to be penning something else.

but back to "the realest shit i never wrote". wait! that was real as anything jeezy's ever spit. anyway...

maybe there's more than pain and heartache to my new work. maybe she opens the door and another chapter begins for us. maybe it goes something like this...

the first time i saw her after the last time i saw her didn't come as much of a surprise as the time in between had been. i told her i was coming and she was waiting for me. it was pretty late when i walked up to her doorstep and knocked on the door. and i kinda felt like an asshole about it, normally i wouldn't visit someone that late. normally i wouldn't visit anyone at all. but this wasn't something i could do whenever i wanted to. we're in two different cities...with two different lives. and you have to take advantage of the opportunities you've given, right? i was back there and she was there, so late was gonna have to be better than never. plus, she knew it was gonna be late when i got there, she could've told me not to come. so i gotta assume she wanted to see me as bad as i wanted to see her. and i was desperate to see her. so, no, the seeing her wasn't really a surprise at all. the how you go from being head over heels in love, to not talking, to a memory and so quickly, was much more of a mystery. i don't know and i really don't like to think about it. all i'll say is that there were two people involved and two people at fault for what happened between us. i can't speak for her but i know that despite the fact that we weren't talking or in each other's lives during that time, i never stopped thinking about her. and though we'd both moved on to other things in our lives, i never stopped loving her. never. but i said nothing as she showed me into her house.

we sat down on the couch and were greeted by the magical sofa nymphs that called the space beneath the cushions home. they introduced themselves as "arden" and "elias", king and queen of "broyhillia", land of the sofa nymphs. they are a gentle people who had known nothing but peace for centuries...i can't write that shit. it's sounding ridiculous. anyway, we talked and it was like old times, when we were together, happy and full of hope for our future. not like the present when she had somebody but wasn't happy. and i had nobody and wasn't happy either. but i could recall times when we'd both been happy. if i mentioned sawyer point with the kids would she laugh? would she remember how i chased her daughters around the playground that day? if i brought up watching the airplanes by the airport another day would she smile? would she wonder if she still had the pictures we took that day? maybe she would do all of those things. but i said nothing as we continued talking about everything else and nothing in particular.

minutes became hours and yet time stood still. we'd always been comfortable and at peace in one another's company and nothing had diminished that. and as our conversation continued, the incidental contact increased as the distance between us decreased. a light brushing of the thigh, a hand to the arm to emphasize a point. a gaze that lasted a little longer then it probably should have. and suddenly i understood what jeezy meant. the "realest shit i never wrote" isn't anything i've already penned in this thought. it's what happened when we looked into each other's eyes and we both realized that we could be happy again, together. it's what happened after i took her hand in my own and lead her down the hallway into her bedroom. the "realest shit i never wrote" kept us in that bedroom the rest of the night. and me in her heart the rest of my life. and that'll be the "realest shit you ever quote". yep, i finally said something."

Writes..."I'm Blowing My Insanity Defense"

"i shouldn't be writing any of this. they're gonna use this blog as evidence of mental instability..."

one of my favorite "me" lines ever.

Writes...Nicole Simpson Can't Rap...And Neither Can I...IV"

"i ain't violent but i merk the paper i pen these words on
making it bleed profusely, a ninja getting his swords on
"woosh, woosh, woosh", i'm a verbal assassin, harassin'
her ass and, with passion, my hands, i think i need a third one"

again, all apologies to "real" rappers, i'm still just fucking around.

Writes..."Should I Stay...Or Should I Go?"

""do you want me to stay?" those six words are all i can muster while wiping away tears and fighting back my own. i haven't held her in my arms for much too long a time and neither one of us is ready to let go. of this embrace, of this moment, of our history or our feelings. so we hold on, clinging to a happiness that's escaped us during our absence from one another. we kiss again, this time with an urgency that only comes with the realization that we can't stay entangled like this forever. this moment is passing despite what our hearts want, despite what i want. i want her...because i love her. and i love her...because i want her. but i need her to tell me she wants me to stay as much as i need her to tell me she loves me. i need to know if where she is is where she wants me to be. "tell me you want me to stay.""

Presents...WTF???

Writes..."How My Life Was Changed By A Burger King Chicken Sandwich Promotion"

"man, you wouldn't believe how much i hate mondays. even after a weekend of chilling with the "wife", doing absolutely nothing of significance...wait, spending time with the "wife" is significant. i'll never make the mistake of trivializing our time together so i'll re-write. after days of fun with the family, after nights of making love to my love, i would have been content if the waning hours of sunday had lasted forever and another monday had never come. still, i guess if you were pressing me for a positive about mondays it would have to be 2 for 3 dollars chicken sandwiches at "burger king". yeah, i know. 2 for 3 dollars?! i know!!! but mondays are exponentially better because of this promotional. which is a sad commentary on life, though perhaps just my own life. but hey, did i mention they're 2 for 3 dollars?! dude, that's like getting one for free!!!

alas, today is monday and the "wife" and i are in west chester, driving around like we have nothing to do. but there are kids at school and daycare and somebody's gotta go pick them up. and relatively soon too. it's a little after 1:30 and we've got less than a hour and a half to swoop the first one before making our way for the second. but we're hungry and it is monday. and an hour and a half is plenty of time to sit our asses down at a table and gaze lovingly into each other's eyes while we grab a bite to eat. she parks the car and we head into the "burger king" i've been eyeing since we hit west chester. 2 for 3? more like 4 for 6, with fries, pies and cokes. if you're gonna do it, you gotta do it right, right? there are a couple of people in front of us, an elderly gentleman and his wife, then a mother with a little boy. i touch her arm and motion for her to watch as the old man holds his wife's hand while attempting to count out correct change to pay for their food. "seventy-five, seventy-six, seventy-seven, seventy-eight, seventy-nine...eight seventy-nine, there you are ma'am", his wife squeezing his hand so tightly my hand starts to hurt. but i understood. she is so frail-looking, a slight breeze would probably knock her over. and he holds on to her like he knows that. i lean down to whisper into her ear, "that's us in fifty years" and she smiles as he, tray in one hand, leads her towards a window booth. the mother asks her son what he wants to eat and he names off like twenty things, practically the left side of the menu, until his mom finally decides he'll either eat a hamburger kid's meal or go home hungry. i honestly think that kid was still ordering food after he and his mother had their food and were seated at another booth in the restaurant. i watch her, the cashier's fucking up our order and her tone is changing. why do people make her tone change? when her tone changes she's less than calm and i need her to be calm. i give her "the look" and she smirks at me. she already knows what i'm gonna say so she utters a few "woosahs" under her breath and proceeds to deal with the cashier in a much more "diplomatic" way. i'm proud of her but i already know i will be checking my food for spit, you know, just in case someone didn't feel there was sincerity in her sudden change in demeanor. our food's ready and i keep my head down, hoping they're unaware i'm really kinda suspicious about how it may or may have not been cared for. but whatever...if i find bubbles where there shouldn't be any, they're gonna need more than the "king" to stop somebody from getting stabbed with one of their plastic forks. i pick up our tray and carry it to a two-seat table where we can share an intimate lunch together. i love every moment i get to spend with the "wife" and i try not to take any of them for granted. not even a 2 for 3 dollar chicken sandwich lunch on a monday at "burger king".

"wife"...i don't exactly know when i started calling her that but i know it was pretty early in our relationship. the funny thing is people have been giving me shit about it. they've seen the myspace surveys where in which i answer those relevant questions by referring to her as the "wife". "what are you thinking about right now? the wife. what would you rather be doing right now? in bed with the wife." and for some reason that's unacceptable to them. like it's an affront to marriage or something, like i'm blaspheming the title. or when some people ask how we're doing and i tell them we're good and that i'm done looking for someone, that i've found the person that i want to spend my life with, they scoff because apparently we haven't been together long enough for me to know that. "hey, you still with your girl?" "um, yeah. you see this chain don't you?" "you shouldn't wear that, when you break up it'll just be a remainder of her." "well, we are together and that's its purpose now. i look at it and i see her smile. i hold it in my hands and i'm touching her. and she does the same. plus, we're not gonna break up. she's the one. and now i'm done." damn, a show of confidence please!!! just how long is knowing you want to be with someone supposed to take? how long until your heart knows it needs that other person to survive? who knows? i know i knew right away. i knew the first time i held her in my arms i didn't want anyone else occupying the space of my heart. she's talking to me between bites of sandwich and fries but my mind is drifting. i'm thinking about us and our future. our future. those two words... i know how i feel about her. and i know how she feels about me. i know today we've never been happier in our lives and that we owe each other more than a little bit of gratitude for that. i wonder if we'll be as happy in 5 years, or in 20 years, 50 years. and then it hits me. the fact that i'm even asking myself these questions tells me all i need to know about her and us. about what i want and what i want to do about it. so in the middle of her saying something i hadn't really been paying any attention to, i take an ring-sized onion ring from the tray and drop to one knee in front of her. she stops talking, she pretty much stops everything. she's not blinking, she's kinda just staring at me and i have to check her neck to make sure she's still breathing and hasn't gone all "mannequin" on me. one thing for sure though, she isn't laughing. she knows me well enough to know that i'm not bullshitting her with this proposal. this is no joke. yeah i can be as silly and as crazy as the best of them but i don't fuck around when it comes to my relationships, either literally or figuratively. i slide the onion ring "ring" onto her finger and i tell her that every day we've been together has been better than the day before it because every day i fall more in love with her. i tell her that i'll always love her, that nothing will ever change that, that we're forever. so, on the dirty floor of a "burger king" restaurant selling 2 for 3 dollar chicken sandwiches, i ask her to be my wife. but because of perspiring eyes and unintelligible words, it takes an employee wiping off a nearby table to tell me she said yes. i stand up to take her by the hand and we kiss for the first time knowing that "wife" isn't just a pet name anymore, it's our future.

so in the middle of her saying something i hadn't really been paying any attention to, i catch myself. she's right, we'd better get a move on if we're going to get to the school by 3. and with that, we pack up our stuff and are on our way. another monday in a forever full of mondays for us...

except not. 'cause that was long ago and now she's where she is and i'm not there. and we're wondering where we went wrong. maybe if i had proposed that monday at "burger king" things might have been different. i don't know but i think about it. i think about that and chicken sandwiches not being 2 for 3 dollars where i am."

Presents...Eminem from "Forever"

before i post this i'm gonna ask if it's wrong for me to skip drake, kanye and lil wayne every time i hear this song just to get to these lyrics...?

"there they go, packin’ stadiums
as shady spits his flow,
nuts they go, macadamian they go so ballistic whoa,
we can make them look like bozo’s,
he’s wondering if he should spit this slow,
fuck no go for broke,
his cup just runneth over oh no
he ain't had a buzz like this since the last time that he overdosed,
they’ve been waiting patiently for pinnochio to poke his nose,
back into the game and they know,
rap will never be the same as before,
bashin’ in the brains of these hoes,
and establishing a name as he goes,
the passion and the flame is ignited,
you can’t put it out once we light it,
this shit is exactly what the fuck that i’m talking about when we riot,
you dealin with a few true villians
who stand inside of the booth truth spillin,
and spit true feelings, until our tooth fillings come flying up out of our mouths
now rewind it
payback muthafucka for the way that you doubted me so how’s it taste?
when i slap the taste out your mouth with the bass so loud that it shakes the place,
i’m hannibal lecter so just in case your thinking of saving face,
you ain't gonna have no face to save by the time i'm through with this place,
so drake…"

Presents..."Frogs" by Alice In Chains

"what does friend mean to you?
a word so wrongfully abused
are you like me, confused
all included but you
alone...

the sounds of silence often soothe
shapes and colors shift with mood
pupils widen and change their hue
rapid brown avoid clear blue

why's it have to be this way
be this way (5x)

flowers watched through wide brown eyes bloom
a child sings an unclaimed tune
innocence spins cold cocoon
grow to see the pain too soon

why's it have to be this way
be this way (5x)

"at 7 am on a Tuesday, usual August ...
next week I'll be 28...
i'm still young, it'll be me...
off the wall I scrape... you...
i can't wake, i gotta wake...
to cause this wake, i gotta wake no more...
it causes wake, to drown this hate....
to never really stay, never will.....
you take your plate...
put me through hell, live, live...
direct your fate...
you say i can do it so well...
your expiration date...
fate, date, expiration date...
(this was the last time)
hate...
and don't fuck with me again...
my own clean slate...
don't fuck with me again...
makes your eyes dilate...
makes you shake...
irate..."

Presents..."Born Yesterday" by Philip Larkin

"tightly-folded bud,
i have wished you something
none of the others would:
not the usual stuff
bout being beautiful,
or running off a spring
of innocence and love -
they will all wish you that,
and should it prove possible,
well, you're a lucky girl.

but if it shouldn't, then
may you be ordinary;
have, like other women,
an average of talents:
not ugly, not good-looking,
nothing uncustomary
to pull you off your balance,
that, unworkable itself,
stops all the rest from working.
in fact, may you be dull -
if that is what a skilled,
vigilant, flexible,
unemphasised, enthralled
catching of happiness is called."