Finally Finished..."Content"

"what is content? no, what is being content? because that's her word. and i've often contemplated it when thinking about her. but now i look at her, deep into her eyes and i can see the hurt in them. there is a pain so intense, so palpable that i can feel it as it surrounds her. and yet, i am unmoved by it, as if all the shit between us, that's built up over time has jaded me into this apathetic being before her. but our experiences have formed my indifference. the choices she's made in the relationship we have and the way i have handled them have finally taken their toll on me. in the past, as with every other thing in my life, i have been the one to suppress what i have been feeling or thinking in order to spare someone else. always holding back. always keeping myself in check. but right now, in the presence of another's pain, i've realized i've had enough. enough of my own repressive nature. enough of the "me, me, me" attitude of others. and i explode. "fuck your obsessive, jealous boyfriend. fuck your doomed, just another statistic relationship. fuck contentment. 'i'm content.' what is that?! fuck that. but most of all, fuck you! for making me want you. and for making me need you. because i don't need this. i don't need this shit. the strain of knowing the details of a relationship that i wish i had. being asked for advice for situations that i want. having intimate knowledge of a relationship without the intimacy. which is like a big "fuck you". a big "fuck you" right to my face. it's like know this aspect of us, know something as intimate as the fact that you hadn't ever orgasmed when being with him sexually. ever. know that he isn't sensitive enough to care about you or your needs. know that when we were together that wasn't a problem. but whatever, you're content to live in a loveless, sexually-unfulfilled life. and know that he's a jealous man, threatening and imposing, sometimes making you afraid for your own life. but you're content to live in a perpetual state of fear, where at any moment rage could overtake this man and your life could be in danger. know these things. and i do know those things. you haven't hesitated at any opportunity to ingrain them into my mind. you're content. okay, i get it. but you should know this. if what you are is content, i say fuck contentment because i don't want it. i don't want anything like it. fuck it. know that. know that there's more to life than the bullshit you call contentment between you two." and with that i walk away, content to end the conversation on that."

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them. just finished today.