Writes..."Kicking My Younger Ass"

i'm working on something else right now but i needed to write this down before i forgot it.

"i've been looking at a lot of things i've written, things from ten years ago when i was writing a bunch. and i can't believe i wrote some of this stuff. one thing in particular...i've always been a guy who felt love was important. loving and being loved, the two reasons we exist. but i've seen a phrase i'd written way too many times, even for a romantic person as myself, and i'm not good with it anymore. something to the effect of "the only thing i wanted was for her to be happy, even if it meant i wasn't" or some bullshit like that. seriously "younger brian"?! that's what you were thinking? i wish i had a time machine so i could go back and kick my own ass for that. not that i don't want a woman i'm chasing after to be happy with her life now but not at my expense. sorry, i'm not that dude anymore. still romantic but not that dude. "older brian" can't be."

Re-Writes..."Nightmare"

"well fuck you and fuck him too. i don't care what either of you two think", i say, turning around to face the window. trying to hide the tears that are now streaming down my face. but it is a futile effort and this pain has overwhelmed me to a point beyond discretion. and she comes at me. and she reaches for me. and we cry in each other's arms because we both know we can't make this work. we just can't be together. then i woke up, though i quickly realized reality holds the same result for us the dream had. so now i try not to dream about you. or us. our situation's painful enough in the waking world."

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them.

Re-Writes..."Boyfriend"

"you've told me how people ask you about me. and how some of them accidentally mistake me for your boyfriend. because he doesn't show up where you are and i always seem to be there. and how you let them know that i'm not your boyfriend, how i'm just a friend. but you've also told me that someone wondered why i wasn't your boyfriend. and then i realized that even i didn't know the answer to that question. no, that's only partially true. what i realized is that the answer doesn't lie in my hands, at least not in the area of wanting it to happen. there might be some other areas i might be lacking in that might be affecting a possible relationship between us, but i think i'm getting an "a" in my efforts to make you question your current relationship. and even though i never wanted that to happen, i'm not sorry i'm trying to convince you that i can be everything you deserve. and i'm not sorry that the grip your boyfriend has on your heart may be loosening. because it's his own fault he seems to be blowing the best thing he'll ever have in life. his relationship with you. for lack of effort. for lack of desire. still, right now he has you. and all i have is my effort. and all i have is my desire. and i don't have you, while people around us, wonder and question about us."

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them.

Re-Writes..."Religion"

"i don't even know why i'm writing this. wait, yes i do! i'm writing this because the feelings i have for you consume me with a passion that words can't describe, emotions that fill my being with an overwhelming joy. everyday i thank god for you, prasing him for allowing us to be so close. and for making my life seem more complete and me feel a little less alone. you don't know what you mean to me and my existence. how much i need you and how much i want you. not just physically, not just mentally, but in every way. i want all of you. because i've come to the realization that living without you isn't living at all. and i don't know what i would without you. you are my heart, the most vital part of me. and i don't think i could make it if you were gone from my life. it seems i only wake in the morning to hear your voice. i only breathe in order to see your face. i live you. i study you. i worship you. you're my religion. i place my belief in you, praying that you will ontinue to have mercy on me by allowing me to be a part of your life. i place my trust in you, only wishing that you will do the same. because even though i am a man, flawed and prone to mistakes, don't ever question how i feel about you. or wonder if my feelings are true. when you're contemplating about me and us, don't think that i desire you. don't think that i'll always be there for you. don't think that you can count on me. know these things. be convinced of them. accept them on your faith in me. accept them on my words and my actions. believe them. keep them in your heart. know that you will always be the most important thing in my life. but importantly, know that i love you."

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them.

Re-Writes..."Omnia Vincit Amor"

"you say you don't believe that love conquers all. ok. neither do i. love doesn't conquer all, but without it trying is pointless. what i mean is, if i didn't love you then why try to convince you to be with me, despite the obstacles, despite the obstacles, despite the fact that it might all in be vain? if i only liked you, i don't think i would even try to pursue a relationship with you. there's too much shit, too many hindrances between us for me to move forward on an infatuation. if i only liked you, would not being with you hurt so much? and would i need you this bad? i've liked people before and people have liked me but i've rarely pursued intimate relationships with others. i think it's because i was scared. but it's not like i'm afraid of commitment or anything like that. i was afraid that i would give my heart to someone and then they would hurt me. and i didn't want to be put in that situation. so i never got involved with anyone. but for us, even the possibility of us, i try. i take the only thing i have to offer you and use it to make you realize my feelings are true and that i'm not going away. by doing those little things to make you smile. i'm hoping that the effort i put into us will make you believe that i'll always be there for you. and i'll always care about you. because right now that's all i have. my effort. and my love for you. so know that i love you. since now you know that i wouldn't try if i didn't. i wouldn't waste the effort."

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them. (originally...)

Re-Writes..."Semper Infi?"

"the truth. i discovered i have feelings for a girl that right now is totally unavailable to me. even if we lived in the same city, even if we were at the same level, she's married. married. period. and i realize that maybe, if things had been different, maybe we could have had something special. something that maybe even her and her husband don't have. don't get me worng. i'm glad she is happy. that's what i want for her. a happy life. maybe i'm a little jealous. maybe that's it. but i'll only admit to being jealous to the circumstances that brought them together, never jealous of the man. envious that i never got the chance that he got. that's all i'll admit to. the truth."

i wish i remembered for sure who i'd written this about. i have an idea but...

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them.

Writes..."The First Night As Mrs. Brian A. Wilson"

"me: mrs. wilson?
her: (no answer)
me: mrs. wilson? i know it's new and something you gotta get used to hearing but that's you now dear.
her: sorry mr. wilson, my mind was somewhere else. what were you saying?
me: it wasn't important. what's got your mind so preoccupied? you know i need every part of you here with me...including your mind.
her: i know baby. i was just thinking about how much i love you. and how everything i've ever experienced in my life has led to this, us...right here, right now. just reflecting, that's all.
me: whoa, mrs. wilson. stealing lines from my vows isn't cool. (laughing)
her: (laughing) whatever mr. wilson, you love me anyway.
me: with everything that i am mrs. wilson.

i'm naked, but only because i just exited the shower. and she's naked, but only because she likes walking around naked. not to sound like i'm complaining though. truth is, i like her naked as much as she likes being naked, perhaps even more so. i take her by the hand and get her to spin around for me. i want to see everything she is, the 360 degree, all access view of her body. a body that remains a secret to most. a body that she's offering to me right now. that body sways and gyrates to a song that only she hears as she begins her dance of seduction. her hand slips from mine and i retreat to a nearby couch, content to watch her. she's getting me excited but i don't even bother covering myself, she knows what she's doing to me and she's watching me as intensely as i'm watching her. her fingers begin their descent from her hair, to sliding over her breasts momentary, down her sides, and eventually resting on her shapely hips. but she never breaks eye contact with me, not even for a second as she touches herself. not even when she turns her back to me, as she rubs her ass and thighs with one hand and makes a couple of fingers on the other hand disappear into a place i know she really wants me to be. "not yet though", i think to myself, "i love foreplay". her gaze consumes me, its intensity overwhelming. i know what she wants. she wants me to touch myself while i'm watching her. but i don't. i'm too focused on watching her fingers continue their assault on her womanhood. and focused on the trail of wet dripping down her leg towards the floor. and focused on her lips as she mouths words to me that i can't make out, until orgasm overtakes her and she can't focus on those words anymore. but her eyes never leave my own.

i give her a minute to regain her composure then stand up to reach out for her, drawing my wife closer to me. i ask her to tell me who she is. us together feels like a fantasy and i need confirmation that this isn't a dream, that what we are is real and that what we have is forever. she leans forward to speak, "brian..." and she hesitates. she can't help herself. she licks my ear and starts to nibble on my lobe. and as much as i like it, i stop her and ask her again to tell me who she is. "i'm the woman you've waited your whole life for", she whispers into my ear. smiling as she places her arms around my neck, her exposed body pressed against mine, we become a "rodin" statue. she continues whispering. "when you were alone and crying on your pillow, i was the image you saw in your dreams that kept you from becoming discouraged. i was the voice you heard that urged you to move forward and not give up. i'm your partner...i'm your wife...mrs. brian a. wilson." "mrs. wilson, i like that", i think to myself. and her words are more than enough confirmation that we were meant for one another. the goosebumps i've developed from them tell me that. i wrap my arms around her waist and looking directly into her eyes i tell her she's right but so much more than what she's already said. i tell her she's the future i dreamed about when i was eight, when i was eighteen, when i went to bed the night before. and when i tell her that she's the only thing i've ever wanted for myself in this life, tears begin to fall from her eyes. and tears begin to fall from my eyes. so with blurry vision, i plant small kisses to her forehead, then to her nose, and finally, her lips. gently probing them every so often with my tongue until she allows it access to her mouth. making out until we're overcome with passion, chests flush and completely out of breath.

again taking her by the hand, i lead her over to a chair where i sit down and she quickly follows onto my lap. she's so wet i have no problem entering her, she slides herself down my length with no discomfort. and for a moment we remain still, her and me, me in her, not moving, not talking. just being one. becoming acclimated to the feel of one another and discovering the feel of "mrs. wilson" to be an awe-inspiring experience. she leans forward and we embrace as tightly as we can, neither one of us wanting to let go of each other or this moment. "mrs. wilson" is finally in my grasp, both literally and figuratively, and i intend to keep her there. i move my hands down her back and onto her ass. a gentle caress and i can sense a change in her. her moans become guttural sounds of approval, her eyes become gateways of desire. instinctually, she comes alive and as she starts a slow rocking motion, begins working her inner muscles on my lower half. her breasts having been neglected, bounce ever so slightly as she continues grinding on me. her moaning increases, both in volume and lack of lucidity. "mis...ter...wilson...don't stop. don't...don't...mis...wil...", until her mouth can't form words anymore and "o's" and "b's" are the only things she can force out. i bathe her with my tongue, leaving a trail of passion from her neck, to her chest, tracing circles around her nipples and they stiffen as i take them into my mouth. she continues sliding up and down along my length. always looking me in the eyes, always watching my expressions as if to determine for herself whether or not she's pleasuring me enough. and i'm always looking her in the eyes, reassuring her with those expressions. thrusting back at her to match her speed. "o...b...o...", she's biting her bottom lip and i know she's close, smiling to let her know i'm right there with her. she rocks a few more times and screams out in orgasm, "b!!! i'm com..." but she can't finish what she's saying. she never slid off of me and she's coming again. she's spasming and those spasms cause me to explode inside of her, her inner muscles milking me for everything that i have. she's drained every part of herself and she can't move. and she's drained every part of me and i can't move. but we don't want to move anyway. so we sit there, sweaty and naked, me inside of her, her inside my heart. "mrs. brian wilson...the reality's even better than the dream.""

Re-Writes..."6 A.G."

"this is a very short version of a dream i had the other night. imagine it's three years in the future. i have made myself somewhat successful in my endeavors. i don't remember what i do but i have a pocket full of money and am driving a new "mustang" convertible. the rain continues to pour as i round the corner towards the address i was given. being back in my hometown, if only for a short while, has been good for me. it has given me a chance to check up on her, like our days back in high school. i was like her guardian angel, standing back and watching over her. except i loved her. it was a serious "city of angels" dilemma i had. i check my note and park outside what looks like a nice suburban house. there is a wrought iron fence surrounding the property. i open the gate and stroll up the walk on to the porch. ringing the doorbell, i am surprised to find a man answering the door. not that she is living with a man, but that this guy is at least thirty years older than she is. i ask him if she is there and he invites me in and tells me he will get her. i am so nervous. it's not that i'm worried she's changed her appearance. i was in love with her essence, her being. but i'm scared that time has worn away my presence in her heart. the pictures on the fireplace show her with the man who appeared the door and two kids that i've never seen before. again, i'm not surprised. she was living with her boyfriend when we graduated and i knew they had a kid together. i have his picture in my wallet. now i recognize him in the pictures on the mantle. my mind wanders until i am tapped on the shoulder. i almost jump out of my skin. i turn around to find myself in total amazement. before me stands a woman even more beautiful than i remembered, than in every picture i have of her. her face is exactly the same but she has a more motherly body. the few pounds she has added have only made her look even better. they have gone to all the right places. she is surprised to see me and my fears are relieved when she gives me a big hug and kiss. i tell her how great she looks, which makes her blush and she echoes my sentiments. she tells me she couldn't believe it when her father told her i was in the living room. this information relieves me. i don't mean to be selfish but i still want a shot with her. she asks what i have been doing since high school. i give her my rags-to-riches story, until her father announces that he is leaving for a while. we bid him farewell and i finish my story. she seems impressed, telling me she knew i was going to be very successful in life. i ask her about her life and what she's been doing. she takes me by the hand and leads me into the baby's room. the baby is sleeping soundly in its cradle. she tells me her story of loser boyfriends, unplanned pregnancies and survival. i show her the picture i have of her oldest son and she smiles. she tells me that she has been taking classes in dentistry and is close to getting her degree. i tell her that i'm proud of her. that i knew she would do great things. she gives me a kiss on the cheek. i ask her about her personal life. i want to know if she is dating anyone. she tells me that she isn't. not since she broke up with her baby's father. i offer a weak condolence and have the question reciprocated. i tell her i haven't been successful in that area. i tell her i've been waiting for her, only her, ever since high school. she pulls me close to her and we kiss. then i woke up."

2-10-00

Re-Writes..."One Last Encounter"

"i'm still really sad that we didn't get to talk before we parted ways. i don't know how i let you get away without one last encounter. you just seemed to slip out before i could catch you. we may have even passed each other while walking through the huge crowd. i just didn't see you. but i really wanted to. i had some things i needed to say to you. maybe if we had gotten to talk i would have gotten to tell you how much you meant to me. because i don't think you knew. i think you realized that i liked you but it was more than that. not only were you beautiful and smart, you had a wonderful personality and a great demeanor. so easy to talk to, i could spend hours just bouncing ideas off of you. and even when we weren't doing anything, we had so much fun. i loved being around you. just being in your presence made me happy. and i think i made you happy. we made a terrific pair. we were so similar. so perfect together. you made me discern to myself, from our time together, that i could have something, no, someone that seemed to be on another level than i was. that i didn't have to settle for someone that i didn't want. and that i wanted you. maybe if i had said something. or hadn't stood in the background while others made their moves on you. maybe we would be together, living happily ever after. but i didn't and i have to live with that."

1-29-00

Re-Writes..."October 29, 1995"

"to a woman i've known since the eighth grade. this is for you. this is about you. and you know who you are. at least you should.

i remember it was close to the beginning of our junior years in high school. it was the end of october, to be more specific. october 29, 1995, exactly. in the week leading up to this date, i recall you telling me that you were trying to get back into the church thing. trying to make religion a more integral part of your life. and i remember there being a sparkle in your eyes when you said this. i think because of the sincerity in your quest to know more about jesus. i mean we talked about this all the time and i was glad you were so interested in this area of your life. and then i remembered that my church was going on a bus trip to mansfield, in order to see this museum that featured lifelike statues displayed in various scenes from the bible. october 29, 1995. you don't know how nervous i was when i asked you if you wanted to go with me. i think i sweated and stuttered and stopped breathing for a second. but when you said you did, i was ecstatic, at least on the inside. and it's a good thing you said yes because i wasn't going if you weren't coming with me. i mean i hadn't even paid for my ticket yet. but you said yes and during the week we kept in contact on the phone, ironing out the details with our mothers. so on october 29, 1995, i came over to your house to pick you up. i knocked on the door and nobody answered. man, disappointment began to creep in, until the door opened and i saw your smile, while the rest of your body remained hidden behind the door. you weren't dressed yet. no problem, as long as you were still coming. while you finished getting ready, i talked to your mother. she was a pleasant person and i enjoyed our time together, even though it was very brief. and when you were ready, we said goodbye to your mother and i promised her that i would take care of you. and finally, we were on our way to my church. i paid for your ticket and we sat near the back of the bus. man, you don't know i was thinking about just how lucky i was, just to be in your company, alone from our classmates, alone together. we talked on the trip but i wasn't just talking to you. i was taking in your essence, like someone takes in the essence of a piece of classical music that seems to have a special significance to them or someone takes in the essence of a painting that completely captures their interest. i was so into you. but who am i kidding? was? please, i still am. but back to the story. the trip lasted about an hour. and we spent that talking and goofing off with the camera i brought with me. at last, we arrived at the bible museum. it was very interesting. and since then, i've even thought of going back. the statues did look kind of real. i wouldn't have wanted to be in that place at night. but anyway, it was a tour. we move from display to display, which were major bible stories in the order they appear in the bible. noah and the ark, daniel in the lions' den, jonah and the fish, etc. each display had buttons that provided a narrator, background music and the statues with voices. i tried to explain things that might not have been familiar to you. i hope that i did a good job. anyway, it was interesting. i think we both liked it. eventually, the church group left the museum to get something to eat. we all were supposed to go to the "old country buffet", but when i saw the line coming out of the door, i asked you if you wanted to go somewhere else. tip for the future...never go to the "old country buffet" on a sunday afternoon. everyone goes there after going to church, so it's always packed. plus, it would give us a chance to really be alone. so we walked over to the "arby's" and order cheddar roast beef combos. it was fun just to eat and talk about whatever was on your mind. so we talked about cheerleading. we could have been talking about tampons and feminine itching, i wouldn't have cared, as long as i was alone talking to you. we sat there at least thirty minutes. then we left and window-shopped at the various stores in the plaza between the two restaurants. after a while we walked over to the tcby and got frozen yogurt. then we got back on the bus and waited for the others to return. taking more goofy pictures of each other. talking about more things. eating our frozen yogurt. until everyone returned and we departed back for akron. the whole day must have been draining for you, you slept the whole way home. and while you were sleeping, i was watching you, watching over you. which made this experience kind of bittersweet. i loved the fact that you went somewhere with me, without our classmates, loved the fact that you could be with me, but i hated that it might not ever happen again, that this could be the only time we'd do something this intimate together. i hated the fact that you weren't mine. i hated the fact that i didn't know if you felt the same way about me. but i'll say the good outweighed the bad. just having you for a day to myself. i loved that. that's what i was thinking the moment our bus pulled back into my church's parking lot. we got off the bus and as we waited for your mom to pick you up, i took more pictures of you. but all too soon, she was there and our time together was about to end. we thanked each other for the company and for the great time we both had. and then you were gone and i was alone. you know, i still have the pictures we took on that trip. and i smile, reliving each moment we shared. thanks again for a wonderful experience. october 29, 1995."

10-30-95...3-31-00