Re-Writes..."Boyfriend"

"you've told me how people ask you about me. and how some of them accidentally mistake me for your boyfriend. because he doesn't show up where you are and i always seem to be there. and how you let them know that i'm not your boyfriend, how i'm just a friend. but you've also told me that someone wondered why i wasn't your boyfriend. and then i realized that even i didn't know the answer to that question. no, that's only partially true. what i realized is that the answer doesn't lie in my hands, at least not in the area of wanting it to happen. there might be some other areas i might be lacking in that might be affecting a possible relationship between us, but i think i'm getting an "a" in my efforts to make you question your current relationship. and even though i never wanted that to happen, i'm not sorry i'm trying to convince you that i can be everything you deserve. and i'm not sorry that the grip your boyfriend has on your heart may be loosening. because it's his own fault he seems to be blowing the best thing he'll ever have in life. his relationship with you. for lack of effort. for lack of desire. still, right now he has you. and all i have is my effort. and all i have is my desire. and i don't have you, while people around us, wonder and question about us."

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them.

Re-Writes..."Religion"

"i don't even know why i'm writing this. wait, yes i do! i'm writing this because the feelings i have for you consume me with a passion that words can't describe, emotions that fill my being with an overwhelming joy. everyday i thank god for you, prasing him for allowing us to be so close. and for making my life seem more complete and me feel a little less alone. you don't know what you mean to me and my existence. how much i need you and how much i want you. not just physically, not just mentally, but in every way. i want all of you. because i've come to the realization that living without you isn't living at all. and i don't know what i would without you. you are my heart, the most vital part of me. and i don't think i could make it if you were gone from my life. it seems i only wake in the morning to hear your voice. i only breathe in order to see your face. i live you. i study you. i worship you. you're my religion. i place my belief in you, praying that you will ontinue to have mercy on me by allowing me to be a part of your life. i place my trust in you, only wishing that you will do the same. because even though i am a man, flawed and prone to mistakes, don't ever question how i feel about you. or wonder if my feelings are true. when you're contemplating about me and us, don't think that i desire you. don't think that i'll always be there for you. don't think that you can count on me. know these things. be convinced of them. accept them on your faith in me. accept them on my words and my actions. believe them. keep them in your heart. know that you will always be the most important thing in my life. but importantly, know that i love you."

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them.

Re-Writes..."Omnia Vincit Amor"

"you say you don't believe that love conquers all. ok. neither do i. love doesn't conquer all, but without it trying is pointless. what i mean is, if i didn't love you then why try to convince you to be with me, despite the obstacles, despite the obstacles, despite the fact that it might all in be vain? if i only liked you, i don't think i would even try to pursue a relationship with you. there's too much shit, too many hindrances between us for me to move forward on an infatuation. if i only liked you, would not being with you hurt so much? and would i need you this bad? i've liked people before and people have liked me but i've rarely pursued intimate relationships with others. i think it's because i was scared. but it's not like i'm afraid of commitment or anything like that. i was afraid that i would give my heart to someone and then they would hurt me. and i didn't want to be put in that situation. so i never got involved with anyone. but for us, even the possibility of us, i try. i take the only thing i have to offer you and use it to make you realize my feelings are true and that i'm not going away. by doing those little things to make you smile. i'm hoping that the effort i put into us will make you believe that i'll always be there for you. and i'll always care about you. because right now that's all i have. my effort. and my love for you. so know that i love you. since now you know that i wouldn't try if i didn't. i wouldn't waste the effort."

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them. (originally...)

Re-Writes..."Semper Infi?"

"the truth. i discovered i have feelings for a girl that right now is totally unavailable to me. even if we lived in the same city, even if we were at the same level, she's married. married. period. and i realize that maybe, if things had been different, maybe we could have had something special. something that maybe even her and her husband don't have. don't get me worng. i'm glad she is happy. that's what i want for her. a happy life. maybe i'm a little jealous. maybe that's it. but i'll only admit to being jealous to the circumstances that brought them together, never jealous of the man. envious that i never got the chance that he got. that's all i'll admit to. the truth."

i wish i remembered for sure who i'd written this about. i have an idea but...

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them.

Writes..."The First Night As Mrs. Brian A. Wilson"

"me: mrs. wilson?
her: (no answer)
me: mrs. wilson? i know it's new and something you gotta get used to hearing but that's you now dear.
her: sorry mr. wilson, my mind was somewhere else. what were you saying?
me: it wasn't important. what's got your mind so preoccupied? you know i need every part of you here with me...including your mind.
her: i know baby. i was just thinking about how much i love you. and how everything i've ever experienced in my life has led to this, us...right here, right now. just reflecting, that's all.
me: whoa, mrs. wilson. stealing lines from my vows isn't cool. (laughing)
her: (laughing) whatever mr. wilson, you love me anyway.
me: with everything that i am mrs. wilson.

i'm naked, but only because i just exited the shower. and she's naked, but only because she likes walking around naked. not to sound like i'm complaining though. truth is, i like her naked as much as she likes being naked, perhaps even more so. i take her by the hand and get her to spin around for me. i want to see everything she is, the 360 degree, all access view of her body. a body that remains a secret to most. a body that she's offering to me right now. that body sways and gyrates to a song that only she hears as she begins her dance of seduction. her hand slips from mine and i retreat to a nearby couch, content to watch her. she's getting me excited but i don't even bother covering myself, she knows what she's doing to me and she's watching me as intensely as i'm watching her. her fingers begin their descent from her hair, to sliding over her breasts momentary, down her sides, and eventually resting on her shapely hips. but she never breaks eye contact with me, not even for a second as she touches herself. not even when she turns her back to me, as she rubs her ass and thighs with one hand and makes a couple of fingers on the other hand disappear into a place i know she really wants me to be. "not yet though", i think to myself, "i love foreplay". her gaze consumes me, its intensity overwhelming. i know what she wants. she wants me to touch myself while i'm watching her. but i don't. i'm too focused on watching her fingers continue their assault on her womanhood. and focused on the trail of wet dripping down her leg towards the floor. and focused on her lips as she mouths words to me that i can't make out, until orgasm overtakes her and she can't focus on those words anymore. but her eyes never leave my own.

i give her a minute to regain her composure then stand up to reach out for her, drawing my wife closer to me. i ask her to tell me who she is. us together feels like a fantasy and i need confirmation that this isn't a dream, that what we are is real and that what we have is forever. she leans forward to speak, "brian..." and she hesitates. she can't help herself. she licks my ear and starts to nibble on my lobe. and as much as i like it, i stop her and ask her again to tell me who she is. "i'm the woman you've waited your whole life for", she whispers into my ear. smiling as she places her arms around my neck, her exposed body pressed against mine, we become a "rodin" statue. she continues whispering. "when you were alone and crying on your pillow, i was the image you saw in your dreams that kept you from becoming discouraged. i was the voice you heard that urged you to move forward and not give up. i'm your partner...i'm your wife...mrs. brian a. wilson." "mrs. wilson, i like that", i think to myself. and her words are more than enough confirmation that we were meant for one another. the goosebumps i've developed from them tell me that. i wrap my arms around her waist and looking directly into her eyes i tell her she's right but so much more than what she's already said. i tell her she's the future i dreamed about when i was eight, when i was eighteen, when i went to bed the night before. and when i tell her that she's the only thing i've ever wanted for myself in this life, tears begin to fall from her eyes. and tears begin to fall from my eyes. so with blurry vision, i plant small kisses to her forehead, then to her nose, and finally, her lips. gently probing them every so often with my tongue until she allows it access to her mouth. making out until we're overcome with passion, chests flush and completely out of breath.

again taking her by the hand, i lead her over to a chair where i sit down and she quickly follows onto my lap. she's so wet i have no problem entering her, she slides herself down my length with no discomfort. and for a moment we remain still, her and me, me in her, not moving, not talking. just being one. becoming acclimated to the feel of one another and discovering the feel of "mrs. wilson" to be an awe-inspiring experience. she leans forward and we embrace as tightly as we can, neither one of us wanting to let go of each other or this moment. "mrs. wilson" is finally in my grasp, both literally and figuratively, and i intend to keep her there. i move my hands down her back and onto her ass. a gentle caress and i can sense a change in her. her moans become guttural sounds of approval, her eyes become gateways of desire. instinctually, she comes alive and as she starts a slow rocking motion, begins working her inner muscles on my lower half. her breasts having been neglected, bounce ever so slightly as she continues grinding on me. her moaning increases, both in volume and lack of lucidity. "mis...ter...wilson...don't stop. don't...don't...mis...wil...", until her mouth can't form words anymore and "o's" and "b's" are the only things she can force out. i bathe her with my tongue, leaving a trail of passion from her neck, to her chest, tracing circles around her nipples and they stiffen as i take them into my mouth. she continues sliding up and down along my length. always looking me in the eyes, always watching my expressions as if to determine for herself whether or not she's pleasuring me enough. and i'm always looking her in the eyes, reassuring her with those expressions. thrusting back at her to match her speed. "o...b...o...", she's biting her bottom lip and i know she's close, smiling to let her know i'm right there with her. she rocks a few more times and screams out in orgasm, "b!!! i'm com..." but she can't finish what she's saying. she never slid off of me and she's coming again. she's spasming and those spasms cause me to explode inside of her, her inner muscles milking me for everything that i have. she's drained every part of herself and she can't move. and she's drained every part of me and i can't move. but we don't want to move anyway. so we sit there, sweaty and naked, me inside of her, her inside my heart. "mrs. brian wilson...the reality's even better than the dream.""

Re-Writes..."6 A.G."

"this is a very short version of a dream i had the other night. imagine it's three years in the future. i have made myself somewhat successful in my endeavors. i don't remember what i do but i have a pocket full of money and am driving a new "mustang" convertible. the rain continues to pour as i round the corner towards the address i was given. being back in my hometown, if only for a short while, has been good for me. it has given me a chance to check up on her, like our days back in high school. i was like her guardian angel, standing back and watching over her. except i loved her. it was a serious "city of angels" dilemma i had. i check my note and park outside what looks like a nice suburban house. there is a wrought iron fence surrounding the property. i open the gate and stroll up the walk on to the porch. ringing the doorbell, i am surprised to find a man answering the door. not that she is living with a man, but that this guy is at least thirty years older than she is. i ask him if she is there and he invites me in and tells me he will get her. i am so nervous. it's not that i'm worried she's changed her appearance. i was in love with her essence, her being. but i'm scared that time has worn away my presence in her heart. the pictures on the fireplace show her with the man who appeared the door and two kids that i've never seen before. again, i'm not surprised. she was living with her boyfriend when we graduated and i knew they had a kid together. i have his picture in my wallet. now i recognize him in the pictures on the mantle. my mind wanders until i am tapped on the shoulder. i almost jump out of my skin. i turn around to find myself in total amazement. before me stands a woman even more beautiful than i remembered, than in every picture i have of her. her face is exactly the same but she has a more motherly body. the few pounds she has added have only made her look even better. they have gone to all the right places. she is surprised to see me and my fears are relieved when she gives me a big hug and kiss. i tell her how great she looks, which makes her blush and she echoes my sentiments. she tells me she couldn't believe it when her father told her i was in the living room. this information relieves me. i don't mean to be selfish but i still want a shot with her. she asks what i have been doing since high school. i give her my rags-to-riches story, until her father announces that he is leaving for a while. we bid him farewell and i finish my story. she seems impressed, telling me she knew i was going to be very successful in life. i ask her about her life and what she's been doing. she takes me by the hand and leads me into the baby's room. the baby is sleeping soundly in its cradle. she tells me her story of loser boyfriends, unplanned pregnancies and survival. i show her the picture i have of her oldest son and she smiles. she tells me that she has been taking classes in dentistry and is close to getting her degree. i tell her that i'm proud of her. that i knew she would do great things. she gives me a kiss on the cheek. i ask her about her personal life. i want to know if she is dating anyone. she tells me that she isn't. not since she broke up with her baby's father. i offer a weak condolence and have the question reciprocated. i tell her i haven't been successful in that area. i tell her i've been waiting for her, only her, ever since high school. she pulls me close to her and we kiss. then i woke up."

2-10-00

Re-Writes..."One Last Encounter"

"i'm still really sad that we didn't get to talk before we parted ways. i don't know how i let you get away without one last encounter. you just seemed to slip out before i could catch you. we may have even passed each other while walking through the huge crowd. i just didn't see you. but i really wanted to. i had some things i needed to say to you. maybe if we had gotten to talk i would have gotten to tell you how much you meant to me. because i don't think you knew. i think you realized that i liked you but it was more than that. not only were you beautiful and smart, you had a wonderful personality and a great demeanor. so easy to talk to, i could spend hours just bouncing ideas off of you. and even when we weren't doing anything, we had so much fun. i loved being around you. just being in your presence made me happy. and i think i made you happy. we made a terrific pair. we were so similar. so perfect together. you made me discern to myself, from our time together, that i could have something, no, someone that seemed to be on another level than i was. that i didn't have to settle for someone that i didn't want. and that i wanted you. maybe if i had said something. or hadn't stood in the background while others made their moves on you. maybe we would be together, living happily ever after. but i didn't and i have to live with that."

1-29-00

Re-Writes..."October 29, 1995"

"to a woman i've known since the eighth grade. this is for you. this is about you. and you know who you are. at least you should.

i remember it was close to the beginning of our junior years in high school. it was the end of october, to be more specific. october 29, 1995, exactly. in the week leading up to this date, i recall you telling me that you were trying to get back into the church thing. trying to make religion a more integral part of your life. and i remember there being a sparkle in your eyes when you said this. i think because of the sincerity in your quest to know more about jesus. i mean we talked about this all the time and i was glad you were so interested in this area of your life. and then i remembered that my church was going on a bus trip to mansfield, in order to see this museum that featured lifelike statues displayed in various scenes from the bible. october 29, 1995. you don't know how nervous i was when i asked you if you wanted to go with me. i think i sweated and stuttered and stopped breathing for a second. but when you said you did, i was ecstatic, at least on the inside. and it's a good thing you said yes because i wasn't going if you weren't coming with me. i mean i hadn't even paid for my ticket yet. but you said yes and during the week we kept in contact on the phone, ironing out the details with our mothers. so on october 29, 1995, i came over to your house to pick you up. i knocked on the door and nobody answered. man, disappointment began to creep in, until the door opened and i saw your smile, while the rest of your body remained hidden behind the door. you weren't dressed yet. no problem, as long as you were still coming. while you finished getting ready, i talked to your mother. she was a pleasant person and i enjoyed our time together, even though it was very brief. and when you were ready, we said goodbye to your mother and i promised her that i would take care of you. and finally, we were on our way to my church. i paid for your ticket and we sat near the back of the bus. man, you don't know i was thinking about just how lucky i was, just to be in your company, alone from our classmates, alone together. we talked on the trip but i wasn't just talking to you. i was taking in your essence, like someone takes in the essence of a piece of classical music that seems to have a special significance to them or someone takes in the essence of a painting that completely captures their interest. i was so into you. but who am i kidding? was? please, i still am. but back to the story. the trip lasted about an hour. and we spent that talking and goofing off with the camera i brought with me. at last, we arrived at the bible museum. it was very interesting. and since then, i've even thought of going back. the statues did look kind of real. i wouldn't have wanted to be in that place at night. but anyway, it was a tour. we move from display to display, which were major bible stories in the order they appear in the bible. noah and the ark, daniel in the lions' den, jonah and the fish, etc. each display had buttons that provided a narrator, background music and the statues with voices. i tried to explain things that might not have been familiar to you. i hope that i did a good job. anyway, it was interesting. i think we both liked it. eventually, the church group left the museum to get something to eat. we all were supposed to go to the "old country buffet", but when i saw the line coming out of the door, i asked you if you wanted to go somewhere else. tip for the future...never go to the "old country buffet" on a sunday afternoon. everyone goes there after going to church, so it's always packed. plus, it would give us a chance to really be alone. so we walked over to the "arby's" and order cheddar roast beef combos. it was fun just to eat and talk about whatever was on your mind. so we talked about cheerleading. we could have been talking about tampons and feminine itching, i wouldn't have cared, as long as i was alone talking to you. we sat there at least thirty minutes. then we left and window-shopped at the various stores in the plaza between the two restaurants. after a while we walked over to the tcby and got frozen yogurt. then we got back on the bus and waited for the others to return. taking more goofy pictures of each other. talking about more things. eating our frozen yogurt. until everyone returned and we departed back for akron. the whole day must have been draining for you, you slept the whole way home. and while you were sleeping, i was watching you, watching over you. which made this experience kind of bittersweet. i loved the fact that you went somewhere with me, without our classmates, loved the fact that you could be with me, but i hated that it might not ever happen again, that this could be the only time we'd do something this intimate together. i hated the fact that you weren't mine. i hated the fact that i didn't know if you felt the same way about me. but i'll say the good outweighed the bad. just having you for a day to myself. i loved that. that's what i was thinking the moment our bus pulled back into my church's parking lot. we got off the bus and as we waited for your mom to pick you up, i took more pictures of you. but all too soon, she was there and our time together was about to end. we thanked each other for the company and for the great time we both had. and then you were gone and i was alone. you know, i still have the pictures we took on that trip. and i smile, reliving each moment we shared. thanks again for a wonderful experience. october 29, 1995."

10-30-95...3-31-00

Re-Writes..."My Catharsis"

"sometimes i just need to vent, so here it goes. waves of emotion have swept over me like the drowning waters of a vast ocean. i feel overwhelmed by this. like the ebb and flow of the tides, my feelings continue to fluctuate, with only the predictability of actually happening rather than the precise recurrence. but it's not my fault. the nonchalant attitude you give me causes the emotional instability i have. how should i feel when my gestures are greeted with indifference? my words met with doubt? my attitude hasn't changed since the beginning. i've always felt you were my completion. and that we were destined for great things together. you're what i've waited for, someone to love and care for. you're what i want. who i needed, not only to make me a better man, but a better person. but sometimes i wonder is it worth it? is our relationship worth all the behind-the-scenes drama, all the work, the effort? but only for a second, because i already know that it is."

6-2-00 (originally...)

Re-Writes..."Something"

"i know that i like you. something inside of me tells me that. maybe it's the tingling feeling in my stomach when you walk into the room. or the sense of excitement that builds up in my body just knowing that we'll soon be together. you can see it in the way my hands shake, the way i nervously sweat, how my concentration is easily broken. i'm a wreck. you make me that way. there's something about you that drives me crazy. something about you that makes me happy. you don't know how i anticipate our encounters, eagerly counting down the hours, the minutes, even the seconds until we'll be able to see each other again. because when we're together, time stands still and nothing else seems to matter. everyone else fades from existence and we stand alone in this world that we've created. in a place that is a perfect expression of our love. vast and unlimited. a symbol of what's right and just with people. because humans were created with the capacity of love and the realization of finding it makes life worth living. so thank you for having that something that makes my existence special."

6-3-00

Re-Writes..."Sins Of A Love-Crazed Man"

""to my sweet friend, i'll never forget you, and the many things you've done for me...remember me always." these words are a constant reminder that being a man intent on trying to be successful in a relationship, or lack thereof, would seem to have a good part to it. but it doesn't really? not in my experiences. and that makes me wonder what kind of man do i want to be, especially when it comes to women and relationships. when i look back on relationships i've seen in the past, or even now, i'm often confused about what women want in a partner. i've seen women who have been abused, both mentally and physically, stay with their men, because their men did it in "love". it was like punching, slapping, pushing them down the stairs, were acts of affection. calling them names to prove their "love". maybe i should be like that. women seem to like a man who yells a them and beats them up. i've also seen women who are neglected, in one way or another. they liked doing things that their partner didn't and so they had to do them by themselves. it was like, "singing, i don't think so, i'll see you later". their men never took an interest in their hobbies, their lives, outside of the relationships. or neglected in other ways. shows of affection in public cease. romantic dinners eaten alone. no more heartfelt gifts just because it reminded them of that person. maybe i should be like that. women seem to like a man who doesn't care about their needs, for companionship, for friendship, for attention. but i know i can't be like that. why? because i try to live shakespeare's statement, "to thine own self be true". and i know i'm not like these other guys. which is why i always say, "i'm not that guy". in other words, when someone brings up a negative aspect of men that they don't care for, i let it be known that i am an individual and therefore, can't be judged on others' actions or feelings. but what type of man am i now? i'm the type of man who would walk to a church from his house, in order to hear a woman i liked sing. even if i didn't know if she was going to sing that day. whether it was someone i'd never heard sing or had listened to a hundred times. to a church i'd never been before. that wasn't even my type of church. that didn't even worship on the same day i did. and if i arrived and never saw who i was looking for, would leave and walk to another church, even if it were several blocks away. that would happen to be another type of church that i didn't usually go to. and didn't worship on the same day i did. and when i didn't see her there, would even consider going somewhere else. i mean, what kind of man would do that? and how do i know i'm that type of man? how? because i did that today. but in retrospect, i don't know what i was thinking. maybe i wasn't. what i know is that all i wanted today was to see this woman and hear her sing. because if she had been singing, i would have been in the first pew, selfishly thinking she was singing her hymn directly to me. and she would look at me and smile, because i was there when i didn't have to be. and maybe then, she would actually be singing to me, not for me, but to me. anyway, that's the type of man i am. doing the unexpected, being the romantic, wanting the fantasy. but these are the sins of a love-crazed man, these are my sins. "for i acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me" - psalms 51:3."

3-19-00

Presents..."Random Musings" by Nicole Chavers

"if i keep writing about how much i miss him perhaps i can purge him.
if i keep writing about how much i miss him perhaps i will continue to hold him in my heart.
it feels like love.
it feels like longing.
it feels like hate.
it feels like a heart fighting to live
it feels like a heart that wants to hide for safety.
it feels like compromise
it feels like self reflection
it feels like blame.
it feels like a heart thats afraid it will never be as strong as it was
it feels like love lost."

Presents..."Love Remains" by Nicole Chavers

"a mystery that hangs in the horizon
the could have
the possibilty of more time or forever
remains unknown in our silent distance.

my heart cant lie and say i dont miss you, cause i do.
the memory of you has faded just enough
that i have to close my eyes and take a moment to get back to the familiar.
but you remain….
i loved you. i love you. love remains."

Presents..."Love?" by Nicole Chavers

"we never had a plan.
i never thought i had words for you.
just got caught up in the rhythm of things-
life.
unintentially fell into a rhythm of
time spent, verbal intercourse, physical connections, & making plans.
future being written.
i like you.
you like me.
our communion breeds a foundation of friendship.
love?
we share segments of our lives with one another-trust.
we create memories together-bonds.
easily fitting into each others lives as though this long existed.-destiny.
you offer stability and gentle strength.
i show you openness and possibilities.
together we share soul moving laughs.
together we create.
together we think of ways to have our voices heard.
we live things we’ve long dreamed of.
i support you.
you encourage me.
together we created a song-
a lyrical love story.
harmonious sounds.
perfectly timed instruments-
smooth/stacatto/slow/fast/repeat
quiet/louder/bass-full/easy/ repeat
rhythmic journeys…
together we create music-
you, the beats.
me, the lyrics.
a perfect sound blending,
to make the illest love song i’ve ever known."

Presents..."Summer Love" by Nicole Chavers

"a trip we didn’t plan,
but somehow arriving in this place.
from extreme heat to
a definitively, unseasonable cold july.
i moved closer to you to increase the warmth.
you moved further away as to not overheat.
i became more insecure as the temp dropped.
i tried.
i tried to ease into this temporary stay,
while preparing for goodbyes that i know are inevitable..
most of your bags remain unopened by the door.
so i know…
you’re prepared to leave as quickly as you came without causing too much of a wave-
i was never brave enough to ask you to unpack them,
so i give you the space to relax into our summer at your own pace.
vacation beginnings
summer heat
everything clear and bright
vacation endings…
unseasonal shower of endorphins
drowning my rationale.
drowning your control.
lost in the deep end of raw emotions…
but, never able to float in the warmth
or with the waves,
because your bags remain beside the door.
all that’s left is for you to walk thru.
anxious.
preparing for the end.
but hoping to watch another sunrise with you-
praying for an indian summer…
but in my gut knowing,
summer love,
its been good.
the late nights.
early mornings.
but the air is changing
early-
cooler than i’m comfortable with
and the fall is inevitable."

Presents..."Love Poems Pt. 2" by Nicole Chavers

"he asked if i had a muse,
oblivious inquiry.
these pictures i wrote at midnight, were combinations of he’s.
the lovers.
the thinker.
the soulmate.
the friend.
the impossible dream.
many of these verses being threaded with with metephoric descriptions of him.
subconscious writings of my feelings to him.
slowly awakened to the fact that he was more a part of me than i realized-
or i would tell him.
these words i've written as of late
were my imagination claiming my perfect imperfect he.
dopeness defined-
wondering if its you.
but knowing that your heart is elsewhere.
so i keep writing until the day comes,
when i can write these poems directly to him."

Presents..."KCSG" by Jasmin Williams

"your voice is like music, it relaxes me and makes me crave the source. like warm water pouring down my back your voice creates a sensation that can only be described as delicious and fascinating at the same time. my pupils dialate as a result of the impulses the sound of your voice sends over my body. this is what your voice does to me."

Writes..."Go Getta? Go Getter? Go Get Her? What Is It?"

"when i first started writing it was going to be longer due to all my thoughts on the subject but the truth is i liked the "cliff notes" version better. experience has forced me to come to the realization that loving someone and having that person love you back isn't a guarantee that you'll actually get an opportunity to be with them. and as shitty as that is, it's reality. so let's stop fucking around people. make the most of your opportunity at loving someone special. if they crack that door of an "you and them together" open, bust the door down like s.w.a.t. and swoope them up. carpe diem baby. carpe feminae."

Writes..."Not Seeing Somebody"

"there was a time when she wanted me and i couldn't see her. then years later, came a time when i wanted her and she had somebody else's eye. more time passed and what we wanted didn't matter because our sights were on different things. and now, to come to the realization that we'd had time to be with one another but we'd never had a time to be with one another, makes me wish i'd had a better prescription back then."

Writes..."Brian In Real Life..."

"it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that i really only write about me and the things that i'm going through. i mean, like the situations in my posts are either things i've experienced personally or my perspective on what did, may or could have happened in those situations. i guess my point is, to read my blog posts is to know who i am and what i'm about as a person. what i write is insight into the real "brian wilson", based on the daily events of my life. for those who are interested, it's brian in real life...

and in real life i've come to the realization that i don't know how to be in a relationship. sorry me, despite what you may have thought in the past about being successful in a relationship without having seen one, you haven't been and the evidence is mounting that your future isn't exactly looking any brighter. dad? nope. mom? nope. brother? nope. sister? nope. no guide to follow, either positively or negatively. and you thought you'd just be you and everything would fall in place. "silly rabbit, trix are for people who pay for them." so let's look at a few fun facts about me. i didn't get my first girlfriend until i was twenty. twenty?! wait, no! twenty and a half! i've never had a relationship that lasted longer than seven and a half months. and that was only once. and we weren't even in the same state at the time. me in ohio, her in pennsylvania, in opposite corners of our respective states. does that even count? yeah, it counts but...never mind, anyway. my other relationships have all lasted about two months, give or take a couple days. i remember when i told them, my boys laughed and called me the "king of the two-month relationship". i was "how to lose a woman in sixty days" brian. and while that shit wasn't particularly funny, it wasn't untrue either. i don't know what it is about me or them or us but that's how they have all gone. five girlfriends became five exes, i'm batting 1.000, and those are hall-of-fame-like statistics in the annals of human relationships. my numbers are better than barry bonds though my head's not quite as big and my testicles are still visible to the naked eye. seriously though, i really don't get it. the beginning's always good, then still good and then "boom...explosion, overpowerin', over the competition i'm towerin". sorry my mind drifted for a minute. my relationships don't tend to erode over time, oh no, they tend to get nuked, dying an instant, fiery, "defcon 1" kind of death. they get "hiroshima-ed" or "nagasaki-ed", turning everyone in the area into an "incredible" or "fantastic" or "amazing". that go over your head? sorry. hiroshima...atomic bomb...radiation...bruce banner into the "incredible hulk"; reed richards, susan storm, johnny storm and ben grimm into the "fantastic four"; radioactive spider turned peter parker into the "amazing spider-man". good now? glad we're all caught up. i know...i'm an asshole. and that could also be a reason for my brief relationships. who knows? question? do "real" relationships die microwave deaths? i told her i loved her so that means fight and scratch and claw to survive right? and therefore there are no "poof and it's done" relationships when you're serious about it. and i've always been serious about my relationships but i'll admit i've needed to be better than i was at those times. i guess i'll have to take solace in the fact that i'm still open to learning what it takes to be better than i am...though every day i'm becoming more and more convinced that even though i say i want to be with somebody, if i actually got with somebody, it would end in complete and utter failure because i don't know what i'm doing. and knowing who i am and what i claim to be, it's kinda depressing to have those kind of thoughts. i don't know how to be by myself and i don't know how to be with somebody. perpetually alone. brian in real life..."

watch...i'm gonna end up using the first paragraph and the last sentence in a series of posts.

Re-Writes..."Thoughts On A..."

"let me preface the post by saying that when i was writing it originally it was something that evolving every day and i never finished it. i'm posting it here the same way...unfinished, romantic ramblings from years ago."

"i was going to call this "the truth" but i believe that proclaiming these words to be the truth would be inaccurate. not because i don't believe what i am about to write to be sincere but because distinguishing them as truth makes past statements come off as untruths. it's like, "let me be honest with you. everything i've told you before was bullshit but everything i'm about to say is true. you can believe me now." and that makes titling this "the truth'" wrong. nothing i've said about how i feel about her or us has been a lie. i like her. truth. a lot. truth. i like us together. truth. i want that. truth. i think the whole "the truth" angle isn't as much a reflection on letting her know how i feel about her as it's indicative of my finally being honest with myself on how and why things have progressed to this point...

it seems like i have so much to say, i really don't know where to start. let me begin with this. i didn't just out of the blue one day go, "wow, i haven't seen her in a long time, i wonder what she's up to." it's wasn't just some whimsical thought, a random fleeting moment of nostalgia. i have been thinking about her for a long time...

there were two reasons i wanted to find her. let me first say that it almost seems foolish to number them because that suggests one has greater value but they really are of equally important. i'll start with this one. we grew up together and have been friends, probably since the moment i met her, a long time. there's never been a time that i can feeling close to her. even in the time between the last time i saw her and now i never felt like our bond of friendship had been severed or threatened. i always assumed that we would see each other again and it would be just as easy as it had been in years past...

the second reason i decided to take a more aggressive approach to finding her was because i didn't like the way we parted the last time i saw her. regret has been grating my soul every day since. i can still see me standing there, watching her drive away from me. letting her out of my life was a huge mistake. i mean i've made errors in judgment before but put bluntly, walking away from her has made the short list of my all-time fuck-ups. i won't say it was the worst decision i've ever made but i don't remember every bad choice i've ever made, yet i can't forget this one...

you want to know how i feel about you and i hesitate to answer. i could tell you that the only way to rationalize how strong my feelings are for you is because we didn't just meet. if what we are now had started when i saw you for the first time in years, it would be weird, even to myself, to be feeling what i feel. but we didn't just meet. we have a past. and everything i feel is based on everything we've had together. is it love? if i told her i loved her would anything anything change? our situations would remain the same, i'd still be here and she wouldn't. if she didn't feel the same i couldn't stop loving her. the truth is i can't find one positive outcome for saying that i love her at this point and that's not even me being cynical. and that's probably the most honest statement i've ever to myself because it's based in reality. i know she developed feelings for someone at a slower pace and that she's probably not looking at our past to do it any quicker. so saying "i love you" right now would seem to be an unwise move with only bad coming out of it. like i said before, there is no positive to saying it. and right now there's only a little more reason than none to feeling it but it's true. i do love her. there it is. from the hand of the wistful brian wilson...

i talked to her today, two weeks since the last time i heard her voice. two weeks! but i'm cool! i mean i have to be, right? i've come to realize that if i'm as serious about being in a relationship with her as i say i am, then i'm going to have to act as adult as my age says i am. ten years ago i might have been more apt to bitch about us not talking or seeing each other as much as i wanted but times have changed. no, more importantly, our situations have changed. we aren't seventeen anymore. we've got lives, in different cities, fact. this is the real world, this isn't high school. i recognize that, i truly do. i know that if i am going to get what i want then i am going to have to take a more mature approach to this situation. so i choose to display a patience that i didn't have before. that's all i can do. i want a mutually agreed upon attempt at a serious relationship. legalese. i am a dork. i don't know if it's truly another opportunity or if it's really a first one but i want a chance to be with her. i feel like i fucked up what i think was my first shot with her and regret not knowing what we could have been or become. i have to know if having these fillings all these years was rational. i have to know that i wasn't crazy for thinking about her or feeling that all i needed was another shot to show her i could make her happy. all i want is a try. but what do you do when you want someone who doesn't have time to devote to a relationship. i don't know what a normal guy would do. i'm not normal. so i wait. why? because being patient is a better alternative to being mad and saying or doing something foolish and fucking up a potential "second" attempt a a relationship. i've got to be more mature than that. this means too much to me...

i keep seeing this conversation go like this...he pulls me aside, into another room and gives me the standard "male best friend to a female" speech about how if i hurt her he's going to kick my ass, blah blah. i can barely contain my contempt for that statement. i must look like a punk or something, i think. maybe i should lift weights or lose the glasses. kick my ass? good luck. but i say nothing. i wait until he starts walk away and i stop him. he's had his say and now it's my turn. first, i tell him that he's garnered my respect for his threat of violence towards me. if he and she are as tight as she says they are, i totally expected him to be extremely protective of her and would have been disappointed if he hadn't been. then i assure him that i am aware of how blessed i am to receive another shot to be with his friend. i messed up before and she could have told me to fuck off when i saw her again. but she didn't and i'm not going to fuck up this opportunity up by doing something stupid. i'd waited too long for another chance to be with her. that i'm totally committed to us having a successful relationship. and i'm not trying to hurt her or do anything to make her cry. i tell him that she deserves better than me and nothing i do will ever make me worthy of her love. but i'll give everything i am to make her happy. and right before i conclude our conversation and turn to leave, i hand him a piece of paper with my number and address and tell him that if it should happen that we didn't work out and she went to cry on his shoulder, he'd know where to find me. you know, just in case he wanted to make good on his ass-kicking threats. i'm no punk...

there it is again, another person used the word "challenge" on me. i've been hearing that word a lot lately. i mean i've even used it on myself. it's like, "why is it that your recent attempts at relationships have been with people you know would be difficult to pursue? do you like the challenge of chasing someone who seems unattainable? why want someone two or ten hours away from you when there are women all around you?" i could say i don't know but i won't, that's a cop-out. i'll answer as honestly as possible, for my own sake. first, let's look at this angle. i'll recognize that there could be something to this "challenge" thing. i've never been one to "be with someone who didn't make me work to get them". i remember plenty of times when i was younger when someone would tell me some girl liked me yet i never hooked up with any of them. the sad thing is it almost offended me that someone liked me. i couldn't understand why anyone would, i was a dork. still am. when girls liked me, i couldn't even see them, i couldn't hear them because i wasn't likable in that way. i could chase girls but couldn't be chased. i didn't feel like i had that kind of power. i'm no gargoyle. i'm pretty sure there are women here who think i'm cute or smart or nice or whatever and may even want to be with me. but i still feel i don't wield that kind of presence. in my mind, i'll always be a dork that chases girls. second, i'll speak on my current pursuit. even i'll admit that if i had just this girl, chasing her from so far away would be foolish, even for me. but we have history. history that seemingly finished when i fucked up the last chapter. yet years later, i have been afforded another opportunity to pursue a relationship. does this qualify as a challenge? well this certainly isn't easy. but if it works out, it will be that much sweeter because it's something i've wondered about for a while. besides, the harder i have to work now, the more likely i'll continue to work hard in the future. don't get lazy. they said it's easier to become number one than it is to stay number one so it's be good now, be better later...

if she told me that it wasn't in my best interest to be patient, if she said there wasn't any possibility of us pursuing a relationship in the future, then i'd be forced to accept that and move on. but she hasn't said that. she said that if that wasn't a possibility we wouldn't have had what we had when i visited her. when we were sitting face to face in a booth at that restaurant. it happened. so i wait. so i'll wait. she's worth waiting for. i choose to wait...

i was confused and unsure of what to do. i could be patient, i could say "fuck it". no, that's not true. my dilemma wasn't whether or not i was going to wait, it was how much i was going to let not knowing if she wanted me to wait bother me...

i'm pretty sure i've already written this but i keep thinking it. if i told her the whole truth about how i feel about her, i'd be a guy who feels too much too fast. if i lied, well, then i'd be a liar and someone couldn't trust. so i say nothing...

no bullshit. no being coy or shy, vague or evasive. i told myself that if i was ever afforded another opportunity to be with her again i'd do whatever i could to maintain a relationship with her, provided she was interested in being with me. anything i could do as soon as i could do it. and knowing me, that probably makes this my greatest want ever. wow, hyperbole? but i've never spoken this strongly about anything before. ever. i guess it's based on me knowing three things. i know i like her, i like us together and i want to be with her...

i have feelings for a girl. wow, saying that out loud almost sounds like blasphemy. me like a girl, yeah right. but as i sit here all by myself, i want her close to me. i want to touch her, kiss her, just be with her. i see her face in the beauty before me. i smell her in the nature around me. i feel her presence in the wind the blows, her spirit in the sunlight that warms me. i miss her. maybe i shouldn't feel so strongly. maybe it's been too long, maybe time and distance has cooled the fire that once burned between us. i can't believe that. i feel passion while i'm thinking about her. i feel, period...

i want to hold her hand, pull her close to me and kiss her until her knees buckle and she can't support herself...

i am intrigued by the possibility of us having a future together...

i like her a lot. a whole lot. more than she knows. more than i'll tell her. at least right now...

"did you ever have feelings for me", she said. "i have feelings for every woman i've ever loved", i replied. "did you ever have feelings for me", she repeated, this time with emphasis on the word "me". "i have feelings for every woman i've ever loved." and i saw confusion in her eyes, not from what i said but from what i had said would have meant for us in a now distant past. her expression made me aware of the reality of what i had just done and i felt like i was going to be sick. there is a nausea that comes with telling someone you loved them when that's what they wanted from you but were too afraid to when they needed to hear it...

be patient...i'll be patience personified...

i didn't have any realistic expectations of being reacquainted with her. notice i said "realistic". i'd thought of finding her and us being cool again but subconsciously i wanted her to want more. i wanted to like me or have the feelings for me that she'd once had. how realistic is that? a lot of time had passed since the last time we had seen each other and we hadn't exactly parted on the best of terms. but i think i thought she would see me and revert back to a past her that had wanted me. what an ego! i'll admit i had expectations, which i wouldn't have done earlier. but my expectations were based on my motives. i wanted to find her for two reasons. first, i missed her. we grew up together, we'd always been cool, i had to know what she was up to. and i had to hear it from her, not from other parties. second, i was thinking about the last time i saw her way too much. i could still see her driving away from me. i can't remember regretting anything more than letting her go that night. i had to find her to tell her i was sorry. and more importantly i had to know if carrying the burden of thinking i'd fucked up a great relationship could be eased my making the most of a second chance...

plus, and it almost pains me to admit this, i kind of wanted to know if she was completely over me...

why'd it even come to this? how'd it go from what we were then to what we are now? honestly, i don't know i didn't stop her from driving away from me the last time i saw her other than i was scared of her. i still am. she still holds the same power over me that she held then. the fear of rejection is a powerful inhibitor. i mean i liked her then, probably as much as i like her now, and i wanted more than just someone she messed around with. so when she asked if i wanted to fool around that time i freaked out. i could remember our first encounters and how i felt when i didn't see or hear from her after them. they happened and they ended, just like that. i ran away because i couldn't have handled it if that had been all she wanted me for. i wanted to be in a relationship with her. i still do. it's funny how years can pass, you can experience different things, you grow, you mature, and yet the things you want remain the same. right now i'll have to settle for wanting another chance for making a smarter choice...

i laugh when she asks me if i like her. i know i shouldn't because she's probably serious but the fact she has to ask is funny to me. do i like her? uh, yeah! i really like you!...

i want to be with her, i mean i like her that much. the only way that could possibly happen would be if i moved to where she is, after i ignored her statement that she doesn't have the time to devote to having a boyfriend. would i be wrong for feeling like a pussy because i don't have my shit packed and ready to be moved? i feel like this is my second chance at something, no, someone special. i always said if i got this opportunity i'd do whatever i could to make it right this time. but i don't know if the bigger mistake would be to move with no guarantees. i mean no one can guarantee a relationship, but not even a guarantee of a shot at a relationship. or to stay here and feel like i'm not doing everything i can towards being in a future relationship with her. right now all my second chance is is a renewal of our friendship though i don't mean to sound like i'm downplaying our friendship. that in itself is a lot more than i deserve...

i wasn't surprised when she asked me why i liked her, i knew the question was coming. i mean i had just asked her the same thing and had anticipated that after she answered she would want to know why i was interested in her. so i was ready for it, like i said i knew it was coming. don't get me wrong. when i said i was ready for it i meant i already knew what i wanted to say to her. sure i'd prefer not to have to script myself but this is an important question and i didn't want to be tripping and fumbling over my words when i told her exactly how i felt about her. i held her hand and looked her into the eyes. i gave her my "no-bullshit" face. my "world is about to end" face and she knew the time for games had passed. and i told her. it was short and sweet. no long-ass monologue. no boring-ass speech. just because i already knew what i was going to say doesn't mean it was going to take all day to let her know. why do i like you? i've noticed that the important thing to me in terms of interacting with other people is my being comfortable around them. i'm not really at ease in the company of most people. but i've always been comfortable around you. i can be what i am. i'm not pretending, i'm not trying, i'm just me..."

that was the last thought i posted in the book.

sometime in '05 or '06, i wasn't dating stuff in this comp. book.

Re-Writes..."The Closer"

"i'm kind of pissed off. i just realized something. i'll always have to better than the asshole ex i'm replacing. i feel like my mother trained me to be a good partner, i mean, the opposite of my dad. she made me the way i am today. but i'll never get to be the way i am because it's the way that i am, i'll have to be that way because same girl's ex wasn't. it will be like, "brian's romantic, my ex didn't know what a flower was." "brian's thoughtful, my ex didn't know the month, let alone the date of our anniversary." i'll never get any credit for my qualities. they'll always be compared to somebody else's. wait! i didn't just come to this conclusion. i've already written this before. i think i made the analogy that i'm a closer, which is funny now because i'm literally trying to get a save. saving a woman from the losers that don't deserve her. anyway, i said closer because i always come in after the starter fucks things up, tied game, runners on first and second with no outs, game on the line. i have to get out of the jam he left for me. i have to fix his mistakes and deal with the issues his bullshit has created. i want to be a starter. i'd throw a complete game, fuck other pitchers. oh yeah, i said "closer" before instead of "reliever" because i want to be the last pitcher in the game and everyone already knows relievers don't get any love...by the way, somebody needs to go get me some coffee. that's a glengarry glen ross reference. yay david mamet!!!"

sometime in '05 or '06, i wasn't dating stuff in this comp. book.

Writes..."I'm Really A Literary Character"

"candide...don quixote...probably the two literary characters i identify with the most, especially when it comes to my thoughts on women, the interacting and the relationship part. i'm just a dude that believes in love, wants that love and knows that what he is will be sufficient enough in maintaining that love once he's got it. that's all i am."

Writes..."On Platonic Relationships...III"

"i'm going to try something different today. i'm actually gonna post the thing i was ranting about right before i fell asleep this morning. i don't even know why i was ranting about it. the curse of genius i guess, too many thoughts, too little brain. hey, that's mine einstein (laugh). i know i probably shouldn't, especially not the way i did it, but whatever...i just wish it was verbatim 'cause it was kinda funny to me when i was saying it.

i keep thinking about the relationships i have with women and the rant i posted on the word "platonic" last year and the connection between the two today, as opposed to how i felt when i wrote that note. and i realize my feelings are not all that different. getting treated like the "gay best friend" when it comes to females, not that i'm saying i have a problem with gay people 'cause i don't. i'm just not and shouldn't be treated as such. i realize you've got problems, shit, i've got problems. everybody's got problems. and i'm a good listener, at least that's what they told me when i was a peer mediator in high school. (laugh) but i don't know how much i like women telling me about their sex problems. telling me you need some dick in your life like i don't have working genitalia that gets turned on by breasts and pussy is sort of a kick to the nuts. and not in the good way (laugh). i hate to keep beating a dead horse with this point (and no, that's not a euphemism) but again i gotta say, "i'm no fucking eunuch". (checking the boxer briefs...) pen-is...check, scrot-um with two fully operational balls...check (laugh). i mean, you can get fucked (not laughing), your mom can get fucked (still not laughing), if your grandma can still get her shit wet, she can get some too (laughing out loud). you say you need some dick in your life, put this one in your hand. hell, put it somewhere in you. i know, i know, this shit is vulgar. is it "lil wayne, i bring her to my bedroom and pop that pussy" vulgar? i don't know, probably. but does its vulgarity make it any less true? no, it doesn't. does it make me an asshole? it does if you ask the right person.

i really need to stop using "you" and "your", this post isn't written for anyone in particular. or anyone at all for that matter. i'm only posting it to serve two purposes: one, just getting the information out there that i am a fully-functional male with male parts and two, i am checking to see if i'd actually use two of those parts and post something that would be uncomfortable to read because it's so unlike even other thing i've put here on my blog. but like vince mcmahon says, "i got balls the size of grapefruits!" or ac/dc: "i've got big balls; oh, i've got big balls; and they're such big balls; dirty big balls...." so i'm posting, damn the consequences (there aren't gonna be any consequences)! like the nationwide "world's greatest spokesman" says, "hook, line and sinker...done"."

Writes..."Me, Candide, Her, Candide, Voltaire, Candide"

"it is noble to write as we think; it is the privilege of humanity." - voltaire

"someday i'll invent a time machine just so i can come back to tell the present me that "she" will be coming into my life, sooner rather than later, and that i am going to need to be able to recognize her when she does. except the "future" me doesn't offer up any insight into what this "she" looks like or where we will be when our paths cross. you think he'd give up a date but nope. not even a "brian (me)...nerd (what she looks like)...bookstore (where we are)"...but i guess that description wouldn't help very much anyway. i'd probably just figure i'd finally given up and decided to date myself. (insert joke here...) but i'm not that far gone yet, though there is something intriguing about the idea. hmmm...anyway, "future" me is afraid of changing the course of history so he won't spill important details like those. you know, just in case the whole space-time continuum or the basic principle of time travel in the movie timecop came into play (can't have the same matter in the same place at the same time). he can't allow us to be the cause of the end of the world. just know that she's coming and soon. (insert another joke here...) and that she is the kind of woman that will keep me swimming in peach faygo. peach faygo, you ask? yep, peach faygo. why? because i like peach faygo. she'll be the kind of woman who will keep me swimming in peach faygo just because i like peach faygo. i don't really have to explain that, do i?

it's a rainy saturday afternoon and i'm doing what i usually do on a rainy saturday afternoon. i'm at "borders", leaned back in a recliner with my feet propped up, re-reading candide. knowing that the people who work there would rather me actually buy the book but they don't bother me. you can't buy something at the store if you're not at the store so they let me lounge there. they're banking they'll end up with the couple dollars in my pocket anyway and they're probably right. "ahh voltaire", i think, "where is my lady cunégonde, where is my lover with the one butt cheek?" quoting, "candide, that tender lover, seeing his fair cunégonde sunburned, blear-eyed, flat-breasted, with wrinkles around her eyes and red, chapped arms, recoiled three paces in horror, and then advanced from mere politeness." i close my eyes to focus on what i've just asked myself, somewhat jokingly but mostly serious. which is pretty much how candide was written. bad things happened to people and yet i know i laughed out loud at them more than a couple of times. but that was how voltaire wrote it to be, it's sarcastic parody, satire at its best. i think about that until i hear a woman say, "i'm right here". her voice is beside me and her hand rests on my shoulder but i can't bring myself to open my eyes. "candide, that's a classic." "you like voltaire?", i ask. she says she doesn't know yet, that "ignorant readers are apt to judge a writer by his reputation." she says, "for my part, i read only to please myself. i like nothing but what makes for my purpose." i tell her she's right, that candide really is a must-read book. i ask her if she's read it and she said she hasn't and i begin to wonder how she's quoting lines from a book she just said she hasn't read but that's not important. i start to offer her the book in my hands but quickly realize it isn't mine to offer. and i'm pretty sure "borders" prosecutes shoplifters to the fullest extent of the law. i tell her she really should read it and she tells me to stay where i am because she'll be right back. then i hear the sound of heels clip-clopping away from me. i'm not going anywhere though, i wasn't planning on moving as it was. i'm not even going to open my eyes. and after a couple of minutes, i can hear the familiar clip-clopping sound returning to me and the "plop" that comes with someone about to get comfortable in the recliner next to me. "i grabbed a copy of candide to read while i'm here. it better be as good as you say it is", laughing as she says it. i tell her it is, because it really is. so we sit in adjacent recliners, in silence, enjoying the work of voltaire. until she read out loud, "the next day after dinner, as they went from table, cunégonde and candide found themselves behind a screen; cunégonde let fall her handkerchief, candide picked it up, she took him innocently by the hand, the youth as innocently kissed the young lady's hand with particular vivacity, sensibility, and grace; their lips met, their eyes sparkled, their knees trembled, their hands strayed." "i like that", she says. and i could feel her hand seeking out the hand i had been resting on the arm of the chair. until she finds it, intertwining our fingers as she continues reading, this time once again in silence. and i smile, i haven't experienced the touch of a woman in a long time and this feels right to me. twenty minutes later and she laughs, releasing my hand as she reads aloud, "alas!" said the other, "it was love; love, the comfort of the human species, the preserver of the universe, the soul of all sensible beings, love, tender love." "alas!" said candide, "i know this love, that sovereign of hearts, that soul of our souls; yet it never cost me more than a kiss and twenty kicks on the backside. how could this beautiful cause produce in you an effect so abominable?" "a kiss and twenty kicks on the backside, that's funny", she says and i can feel that her hand, almost instinctively, is drawn back to my own. she places it on mine and gently squeezes. and once again, we sit in silence as she continues to read. some time later, her hand leaves my hand as she announces that she needs to be on her way. she tells me that she's actually going to buy the copy of candide that she has been reading. i laugh. "not me." i can feel her pen on my hand as she starts writing. she leans down to my ear and whispers, "call me and i'll let you know when you can come get my copy." then she walks away, leaving me to my recliner and another quote, "if we do not exert the right of eating our neighbor, it is because we have other means of making good cheer". and i do have "other means" of "making good cheer" but 250 years after this was written i think i'm totally taking this quote out of context. "eat?" was that an euphemism then too? maybe? probably not. but i digress. i open my eyes for the first time since i closed them to focus on the question i'd asked myself earlier. "where is my lady cunégonde?" "where is my lady cunégonde?" perhaps she just left me. i don't know. i do know it's getting late and i also need to go going. i return the copy of candide i had been reading back to the spot i'd gotten it from and make my way towards the exit, thinking how much i really like that book. it's starts with candide being taught optimism by pangloss his mentor, and how his hardships and experiences altered that thinking. how he went from "all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds" to "we must cultivate our garden". and i get that. i do, but i'll remain optimistic. despite trials and tribulations, i'll remain optimistic. though voltaire also said, "optimism is the madness of insisting that all is well when we are miserable", the phone number on my hand is proof that optimism does and should have a place in my heart. i'm out the door before i realize i better put this number in my phone soon. i really don't need it washing off from the rain. and i do, right then, 'cause i'm not that optimistic about its chances of surviving the weather."

Writes..."Il Benedetto"

"just like the renaissance artists and writers before me, i've been commissioned for a great work. they used to call michelangelo "il divino", or "the divine one" and i like that. i'm no michelangelo but i've decided to gloss myself "il benedetto". yeah, "il benedetto".

Re-Writes..."Dreams"

"only in my dreams. when thinking about you, i realize that only in my dreams can i have you all of the time, all to myself. reality brings obstacles that stand in the way of us being together as much as i would like. and sometimes it's difficult to make time for one another. so i dream a lot. because in my dreams, time is unlimited and the situations are as vast as my imagination. but even with all the options presented in my dreams, the simplest ones are usually the best, since they're just about being with you. flashing back to one of our car talks, one of the lunch encounters, any time i could look into your eyes, into your heart. nothing fancy. no posh hotels, no champagne, no sexy lingerie. sometimes it's just us sitting in a chair, you in my arms, watching the sun rise. together. alone. and sometimes it's just me massaging your body from your head to your feet. rubbing, caressing, soothing. i have often seen these images in my dreams. you know, simple things we could do together. intimate things we could do alone. because i long for the time we can spend together, doing whatever. it doesn't even matter. as long as we're together and we're alone. because being with you, even if it is only in my dreams, is what i live for. the reason i exist. looking into your eyes is an experience that transcends reality. i have to catch myself from getting lost in them. i can see my world in your eyes. my present and my future. the reasons i exist. everything i need. everything i want. everything i desire. which makes me yearn for the time we can spend together. and makes me dream about you when we can't. because you aren't just in my dreams, you are my dream. you are the happiness i seek out in life, the fulfillment i crave. my everything. which is everything a dream should be."

the full version of a thought i used as a status post on fb. and here too, i think (3/20/10).

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them.

Re-Writes..."Intimacy"

"i lay you down on the bed
the moment has finally come
i've wanted to taste you
i've wanted to feel your body against mine
to know that you've felt the same
to know that you've wanted me
and to know that you've needed me
is heaven in itself
our time is now, the place is here
the waiting has ended
the texture of your hair
the softness of your skin
just to take in your being
to study you, to learn you
to devour the sight of you with my eyes
touching every part of your body
caressing every curve, every feature
exploring, discovering
a delicate touch to make you tingle
sending shivers up and down your spine
taking my time, 'cause you've got time
and i don't want to rush this
and i'm not in a hurry
slowly making my way from spot to spot
you know the spots i'm talking about
the nape of your neck
the dip in your back
the middle of your chest
the back of your knees
your most secret of areas
any place you allow my lips the freedom to experience
my tongue the liberty to try
because i love the closeness we have
and i long for the intimacy we share
every moment of every day"

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them.

Re-Writes..."Kiss"

"those lips, your lips
it's like my name is on them
and as if longing to be possessed
like a lighthouse to a ship in a storm
come, come they say
seek out our softness with yours
deliver a passion yet unknown
tempting, taunting, teasing
mocking my passive exterior
they beg to be subdued
they beg to be captivated
how long can i deny my desire
resist the seduction of you lips
and i realize i can't
and that makes me happy"

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them.

Re-Writes..."Fornication"

"when words aren't enough and actions seem lacking, expressing the feelings i have for you is my dilemma and yet it's a challenge i readily accept. because letting you know how much i care for you is my top priority. but there are other things i need you to know. like how i stare at you, studying your features, noticing, learning you. and how i dream about caressing your body, lazily tracing your every curve with my fingers, exploring, discovering. how i ache to place my lips on yours, seeking out their softness, their fullness and kiss you with an overwhelming passion that leaves you weak and forces you into my arms for support. how my desire for you grows with each passing day. how i anticipate every encounter with you. how i long for that sensation, that spark that pulsates through my body when we touch. these are some of the things that you don't know. some of the things you'll never understand. like how i can't live without you. how i feel about you. how much i want you and how much i need you to want me. how i'm miserable when we're apart and i dread missing an opportunity to talk to you. to be with you. but like i said, you'll never understand how i feel. how i need you. how much you mean to me. still, maybe one day you'll understand how it feels to be me. and what you do to me. but until then, i just think and wonder and hope that you're thinking the same things about me."

sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them.

Writes..."My Daughter 'Lyric'"

"if i ever have a daughter i think i'm gonna name her "lyric". but not from jason's lyric, i'm not that unoriginal. i like "lyric" because it's an affirmation of my affinity for words. lyrics make the song. what are the hardest beats or the dopest bass lines without the words powering them? i'm a wordsmith. i'm a verbalist. i'm a lyricist. lyric wilson? yeah, i like the name almost as much as i like the word."

Writes..."Rants About...Kissing"

some rants...about kissing.

"one...there's a commercial that says the average person spends 20,000 minutes of their life kissing. really?! is that a lot or not? 20,000 minutes of a lifetime. i don't know. i do know that i'm way behind though. i need to catch up.

two...if you really want to know how someone feels about you, in a romantic way, get them to kiss you. i mean, kiss you for real. except for me, because i kiss the same way for everybody and i have gotten in trouble for it. so don't kiss me, especially not at work. apparently, that's not a good thing to be doing with me."

Kakikomu..."Watashi A Mada Anata Ga Daisukidesu"

"aishiteru...watashi wa anata wo kesshite wasurenai deshou."

Writes..."Are These Suicidal Thoughts?"

"today i went to the store to buy myself a life but when i got home i discovered that it didn't come with a manual. i thought about returning it but, fuck it, i wouldn't have read the instructions anyway."

Quotes...William Shakespeare...II

"doubt thou the stars are fire;
doubt that the sun doth move;
doubt truth to be a liar;
but never doubt i love."

"but o, how bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes."

"my bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more i give to thee, the more i have, for both are infinite."

"all days are nights to see till i see thee, and nights bright days when dreams do show thee to me."

"excellent wretch! perdition catch my soul but i do love thee! and when i love thee not, chaos is come again."

"absence from those we love is self from self - a deadly banishment."

Scrive..."Motivo Per Cui Scrivo"

"scrivo oggi, scriverò domani
si prenderanno una penna dalla mano morta
le mie parole sono chi sono, le mie parole, la mia vita
ciò che scrivo è la mia eredità"

i've always loved italian.

- il benedetto (self-glossed)

Writes..."Always"

""always" may be the most hyberbolic word in the english language. and i don't like hyperbole. people who use it a lot tend to exaggerate. and people who exaggerate tend to lie. people like to say something was the "greatest" or the "craziest" or the "best" when talking about stuff. and love is no different. we want the person we love to be the love of our lives, so we use "always" even when most of the time it doesn't turn out to be. if i told a woman i'd love her "always" and then she was gone, like every other "...-est" word, "always" was an exaggeration. not a lie, not that we didn't mean it when we said it but in the end, still an exaggeration on the situation on both of our parts. "always". i need to be more careful about that, in every way that i use the word."

Writes..."They Developed "Spell Check" For A Reason"

"that's the last fucking straw man. i have to write on this because it's become beyond annoying to me. i don't know if every word-processing application has a spell-check feature. but if you're using one that does and you don't use it, please do, that's what it's for. don't let your ego or pride get in the way of having your computer correct your spelling mistakes. better it than me. goddamn, the shit i'm seeing isn't just sad, it's bordering on pathetic. wait, did i spell "goddamn" right? must have, computer didn't say i was wrong."

Writes..."Leaving In The Darkness"

"my hand reached out for her as the sleep began to dissipate and i became more aware of the reality that was my life. she was gone and that was as real as it got. no note, no good-bye, no kiss to signify she was leaving. but i wasn't surprised, i never expected to spend the night as it was, though i had hoped she might. actually, i never expected anything of us, especially not for her and i to be in this position. i knew there was an attraction between us, a kind of magnetic pull that had drawn us to one another. but i never thought it would lead us to where we are today. me, naked in my bed and wishing she hadn't left me during the night. but like i said, this is my reality. we share a passion that we had only imagined and have experienced things we never had before. the feel of her was unlike any other, me in her, her on me. her cries of ecstasy linger, i can still hear her though i lay in silence. her look of love burned seared into my brain, i can still see her in the darkness around me. giving everything of ourselves and taking all that was offered to us, i'll never forget what we are when we're together in the middle of the night. lovers loving love. and then she's gone. and i'm alone, reaching out for warmth from the spot she had just occupied. and hoping sleep will take hold of me again and i can defer reality until the next time i see her."

Écrit..."Une Autre Occasion"

tout comme françois-marie arouet, je sens que je besoin d'un nom de plume extraordinaire pour mon écriture. je ne peux pas utiliser "voltaire" mais je ne peux arriver à quelque chose de mieux. et en français aussi. j'aime les mots noirs et le cœur. peut-être quelque chose comme "noircoeur", quelque chose comme ça. c'est un travail en cours.

"avez-vous jamais senti comme vous avez eu inachevée avec quelqu'un? je veux dire, comme vous deux étaient sur le point de quelque chose de grand, mais les choses n'ont pas progressé comme on les voulait pour une raison quelconque? avez-vous déjà été remplis de regrets de telles choses? je ne sais pas, peut-être que je fais trop de notre situation. une fois, j'ai écrit que je pensais que l'amour non partagé a été la pire sorte d'amour et il y avait à l'époque je croyais que pour être vrai. aimer quelqu'un qui ne retourne pas vos sentiments est une position horrible d'être po et je ne veux pas l'expérience que tout le monde. mais ensuite j'ai découvert un amour interdit et en termes de pur désespoir, il souffle amour non partagé hors de l'eau. aimer quelqu'un qui vous aime de la même manière, mais ne peut pas être avec vous est un crève-cœur vous vous sentez sur une base quotidienne. nous avons toujours pris soin d'un autre, mais pour tout ce mois entre nous, chaque message texte, à chaque appel téléphonique, tous les e-mail, a pris nous avoir de l'amour pour l'autre d'être dans l'amour. pas que nous tomber amoureux était tout à fait surprenant, nous avons eu l'histoire et vous ne pouvez pas remise de l'histoire entre deux personnes. jamais.

je veux dire que je lui connais depuis toujours et je l'avais aimé quand nous étions plus jeunes, mais je n'avais jamais rien dit. je ne la vois une fois par semaine, mais quand elle était d'environ je la regarde en cachette, en espérant qu'elle me regardait mon chemin et il y aurait un moment où nos regards se croisèrent. mais chaque fois qu'elle me regardait mon chemin, je détourne, terrifié que mes yeux serait de relais à quel point je voulais qu'elle soit la mienne. en espérant qu'elle avait de me sourire comme si elle était heureuse que j'étais là. elle avait un beau sourire. de toutes les qualités appel qu'elle avait, et il y avait beaucoup, quand je repense à notre époque ainsi que son sourire est toujours la chose que je pense le plus. il était lumineux, il avait du soleil par une journée pluvieuse. je l'appelais mon releveur "lève-nuage". mais je ne l'ai pas dit combien je me réjouissais de voir qu'il ou elle chaque semaine. je n'ai jamais pensé qu'elle savait que j'existais, après nous nous sommes salués par "bonjours" ou salués au passage. il était donc difficile à entendre quand pendant les mois nous étions amoureux, elle m'a dit qu'elle m'avait aimé, mais elle n'a jamais rien dit. qu'elle avait fait les mêmes choses que je faisais. les regards et l'espoir de ne pas se faire remarquer aux soins. le secret désir d'être ensemble. mais elle avait peur que je ne veux pas d'elle. si on ne savait jamais comment l'autre personne a estimé sur nous et nous nous sommes déplacés à d'autres personnes. et puis elle était partie. et puis elle était mariée. et de toute occasion pour nous à l'époque avait été adopté parce que nous étions tous deux trop peur de laisser les autres savent que ce que nous avions pu conduire au bonheur entre nous deux.

tout entre nous au cours de ces mois, tous les textes, téléphone et e-mail, me conduit à son manque dans ma vie, pour obtenir enfin la possibilité de la tenir dans mes bras comme je l'aurais fait depuis de nombreuses années auparavant. malgré le fait qu'elle était encore mariée. elle était malheureuse et j'ai été malheureux, mais nous savions tous deux que nous pourrions être heureux ensemble. alors, quand il vint un moment que j'allais être à la maison et qu'elle pouvait faire à l'endroit où j'étais, je n'allais pas laisser passer la chance de la voir. quand elle releva j'étais à l'extérieur d'attente pour elle. nous avions fait des plans, de sorte qu'il n'était pas comme elle était inattendue, elle était là, mais il ya une différence entre dire que vous allez faire quelque chose et le faire réellement. shakespeare a dit, "parler ne fait pas. il est une sorte de bonne action à bien dire, et pourtant les mots ne sont pas les actes" et qu'elle était en fait dans mon visage. elle garé sa voiture et a commencé à marcher vers moi en souriant que je rêve de sourire à propos. je ne l'avais pas vu depuis huit ans, mais elle était encore une belle femme, une vision de la beauté, une déesse et je n'étais qu'un humble mortel, indigne d'avoir été en sa présence, indigne de l'amour qu'elle professait pour moi. emerson a dit, "ne jamais perdre une occasion de voir quelque chose de beau, de la beauté de dieu est l'écriture." et dieu n'a jamais écrit une course avec plus parfaite. à mesure qu'elle approchait tout ce que je pouvais penser était en lui baisant la droite sur le trottoir, indifférente à toute personne et tout autour de nous. juste elle et moi, sculpturale, un moment unique dans le temps où nous pourrions être. notre corps congelés dans les bras et les lèvres verrouillées ensemble. et si cela avait été tout était pour nous, j'aurais été heureux de savoir que nous avions enfin obtenu pour exprimer nos sentiments que nous avions les uns des autres physiquement. le temps des paroles est passé pour nous, nous avons eu assez parlé. il s'agissait de notre temps. ce fut notre moment.

je n'ai jamais obtenu de l'aimer comme je le voulais à ce jour. quand j'ai commencé cette pensée, j'ai demandé au sujet de regret et bien que je pourrais écrire sur rater l'occasion de faire l'amour avec elle, je ne veux pas. je dirai juste que la situation n'était pas idéale et les choses au-delà des événements qui pourraient nous pas pu être évitées. mais je fus tout heureux qui ont eu lieu entre nous et pas trop eu terriblement déçu sur les choses qui n'ont pas. j'ai pu passer du temps avec elle et que c'était vraiment la chose la plus importante j'avais espéré accomplir au cours de sa visite. je n'ai jamais été un homme qui a voulu bien pour lui-même. et je jour où j'ai fait ce que je voulais: un peu de temps en sa présence. en plus, je dois l'entendre murmurer "je t'aime" à mon oreille. et c'est toujours bon. donc non, je ne regrette pas ce jour-là, je ne regrette pas l'aimer, et je ne regrette pas la rédaction du présent.

ceci est mon hommage à voltaire alors permettez-moi de le citer. "le paradis a été faite pour les cœurs tendres, l'enfer, pour les cœurs sans amour." j'ai trouvé le paradis ce jour-là parce que j'ai vécu son amour et je ne saurai jamais l'enfer à cause de cet amour."

Scrive..."Mal Di Cuore"

"scrivo di mal di cuore. ha mal di cuore tradurre? ha mal di cuore lo stesso suono in ogni langauge?

amato una donna con tutto il cuore. ma alla fine che era tutto quello che potevo fare. amata da un milione di miglia di distanza. non potevo stare con lei e lei non poteva stare con me. non riuscivo a tenere tra le mie braccia. o bacio mentre il sole rizzati. così scrivo queste parole come un promemoria quotidiano che nostalgia per l'io voglio, ma uno non può avere è mal di cuore. e so mal di cuore."

- il benedetto (self-glossed)

Quotes...Me

"if you're having sex with a woman she's either having an orgasm or she isn't. but if she's faking it, that doesn't mean you have to fake caring."

"complicated life, complicated relationships, complicated me."

"i ain't saying i'm the best. i got people who say it for me."

"i'm not even the best me i can be yet and i'm still a better me than anyone else will ever be."

"i live my life as if hell is an inevitability for me. so the contrition i feel for the bad that i do is genuine. and the good that i do is due to what i truly am and not rooted in trying to gain favor from god towards the promise of heaven."

"if i were a better person i wouldn't be as good of a writer."

"babies are "cute". puppies are "cute". shouldn't grown people have to evolve past being "cute"; or at least having a grown person call another grown person that? how about a grown-up word like "attractive" or "handsome" or "f**kable"? or "f***worthy"? just a thought..."

"i don't involve myself with women who don't believe in love the way that i do...doesn't the bible say something about being unequally yoked with unbelievers. i'm sure that's what that meant. love is my religion, but i'm not here to convert the masses; i'm only here to seek out a fellow disciple."

"i only want one thing. who wants to give it to me?"

"one person to walk with, that's all."

"i'm using "google" maps right now and this satellite map is kinda freaking me out. i'm looking at the address in real time. if i lived on that street i would feel like my privacy was being invaded, especially if i were the dude masturbating in his front window right now."