"it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that i really only write about me and the things that i'm going through. i mean, like the situations in my posts are either things i've experienced personally or my perspective on what did, may or could have happened in those situations. i guess my point is, to read my blog posts is to know who i am and what i'm about as a person. what i write is insight into the real "brian wilson", based on the daily events of my life. for those who are interested, it's brian in real life...
and in real life i've come to the realization that i don't know how to be in a relationship. sorry me, despite what you may have thought in the past about being successful in a relationship without having seen one, you haven't been and the evidence is mounting that your future isn't exactly looking any brighter. dad? nope. mom? nope. brother? nope. sister? nope. no guide to follow, either positively or negatively. and you thought you'd just be you and everything would fall in place. "silly rabbit, trix are for people who pay for them." so let's look at a few fun facts about me. i didn't get my first girlfriend until i was twenty. twenty?! wait, no! twenty and a half! i've never had a relationship that lasted longer than seven and a half months. and that was only once. and we weren't even in the same state at the time. me in ohio, her in pennsylvania, in opposite corners of our respective states. does that even count? yeah, it counts but...never mind, anyway. my other relationships have all lasted about two months, give or take a couple days. i remember when i told them, my boys laughed and called me the "king of the two-month relationship". i was "how to lose a woman in sixty days" brian. and while that shit wasn't particularly funny, it wasn't untrue either. i don't know what it is about me or them or us but that's how they have all gone. five girlfriends became five exes, i'm batting 1.000, and those are hall-of-fame-like statistics in the annals of human relationships. my numbers are better than barry bonds though my head's not quite as big and my testicles are still visible to the naked eye. seriously though, i really don't get it. the beginning's always good, then still good and then "boom...explosion, overpowerin', over the competition i'm towerin". sorry my mind drifted for a minute. my relationships don't tend to erode over time, oh no, they tend to get nuked, dying an instant, fiery, "defcon 1" kind of death. they get "hiroshima-ed" or "nagasaki-ed", turning everyone in the area into an "incredible" or "fantastic" or "amazing". that go over your head? sorry. hiroshima...atomic bomb...radiation...bruce banner into the "incredible hulk"; reed richards, susan storm, johnny storm and ben grimm into the "fantastic four"; radioactive spider turned peter parker into the "amazing spider-man". good now? glad we're all caught up. i know...i'm an asshole. and that could also be a reason for my brief relationships. who knows? question? do "real" relationships die microwave deaths? i told her i loved her so that means fight and scratch and claw to survive right? and therefore there are no "poof and it's done" relationships when you're serious about it. and i've always been serious about my relationships but i'll admit i've needed to be better than i was at those times. i guess i'll have to take solace in the fact that i'm still open to learning what it takes to be better than i am...though every day i'm becoming more and more convinced that even though i say i want to be with somebody, if i actually got with somebody, it would end in complete and utter failure because i don't know what i'm doing. and knowing who i am and what i claim to be, it's kinda depressing to have those kind of thoughts. i don't know how to be by myself and i don't know how to be with somebody. perpetually alone. brian in real life..."
watch...i'm gonna end up using the first paragraph and the last sentence in a series of posts.
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