Re-Writes..."Thoughts On A..."

"let me preface the post by saying that when i was writing it originally it was something that evolving every day and i never finished it. i'm posting it here the same way...unfinished, romantic ramblings from years ago."

"i was going to call this "the truth" but i believe that proclaiming these words to be the truth would be inaccurate. not because i don't believe what i am about to write to be sincere but because distinguishing them as truth makes past statements come off as untruths. it's like, "let me be honest with you. everything i've told you before was bullshit but everything i'm about to say is true. you can believe me now." and that makes titling this "the truth'" wrong. nothing i've said about how i feel about her or us has been a lie. i like her. truth. a lot. truth. i like us together. truth. i want that. truth. i think the whole "the truth" angle isn't as much a reflection on letting her know how i feel about her as it's indicative of my finally being honest with myself on how and why things have progressed to this point...

it seems like i have so much to say, i really don't know where to start. let me begin with this. i didn't just out of the blue one day go, "wow, i haven't seen her in a long time, i wonder what she's up to." it's wasn't just some whimsical thought, a random fleeting moment of nostalgia. i have been thinking about her for a long time...

there were two reasons i wanted to find her. let me first say that it almost seems foolish to number them because that suggests one has greater value but they really are of equally important. i'll start with this one. we grew up together and have been friends, probably since the moment i met her, a long time. there's never been a time that i can feeling close to her. even in the time between the last time i saw her and now i never felt like our bond of friendship had been severed or threatened. i always assumed that we would see each other again and it would be just as easy as it had been in years past...

the second reason i decided to take a more aggressive approach to finding her was because i didn't like the way we parted the last time i saw her. regret has been grating my soul every day since. i can still see me standing there, watching her drive away from me. letting her out of my life was a huge mistake. i mean i've made errors in judgment before but put bluntly, walking away from her has made the short list of my all-time fuck-ups. i won't say it was the worst decision i've ever made but i don't remember every bad choice i've ever made, yet i can't forget this one...

you want to know how i feel about you and i hesitate to answer. i could tell you that the only way to rationalize how strong my feelings are for you is because we didn't just meet. if what we are now had started when i saw you for the first time in years, it would be weird, even to myself, to be feeling what i feel. but we didn't just meet. we have a past. and everything i feel is based on everything we've had together. is it love? if i told her i loved her would anything anything change? our situations would remain the same, i'd still be here and she wouldn't. if she didn't feel the same i couldn't stop loving her. the truth is i can't find one positive outcome for saying that i love her at this point and that's not even me being cynical. and that's probably the most honest statement i've ever to myself because it's based in reality. i know she developed feelings for someone at a slower pace and that she's probably not looking at our past to do it any quicker. so saying "i love you" right now would seem to be an unwise move with only bad coming out of it. like i said before, there is no positive to saying it. and right now there's only a little more reason than none to feeling it but it's true. i do love her. there it is. from the hand of the wistful brian wilson...

i talked to her today, two weeks since the last time i heard her voice. two weeks! but i'm cool! i mean i have to be, right? i've come to realize that if i'm as serious about being in a relationship with her as i say i am, then i'm going to have to act as adult as my age says i am. ten years ago i might have been more apt to bitch about us not talking or seeing each other as much as i wanted but times have changed. no, more importantly, our situations have changed. we aren't seventeen anymore. we've got lives, in different cities, fact. this is the real world, this isn't high school. i recognize that, i truly do. i know that if i am going to get what i want then i am going to have to take a more mature approach to this situation. so i choose to display a patience that i didn't have before. that's all i can do. i want a mutually agreed upon attempt at a serious relationship. legalese. i am a dork. i don't know if it's truly another opportunity or if it's really a first one but i want a chance to be with her. i feel like i fucked up what i think was my first shot with her and regret not knowing what we could have been or become. i have to know if having these fillings all these years was rational. i have to know that i wasn't crazy for thinking about her or feeling that all i needed was another shot to show her i could make her happy. all i want is a try. but what do you do when you want someone who doesn't have time to devote to a relationship. i don't know what a normal guy would do. i'm not normal. so i wait. why? because being patient is a better alternative to being mad and saying or doing something foolish and fucking up a potential "second" attempt a a relationship. i've got to be more mature than that. this means too much to me...

i keep seeing this conversation go like this...he pulls me aside, into another room and gives me the standard "male best friend to a female" speech about how if i hurt her he's going to kick my ass, blah blah. i can barely contain my contempt for that statement. i must look like a punk or something, i think. maybe i should lift weights or lose the glasses. kick my ass? good luck. but i say nothing. i wait until he starts walk away and i stop him. he's had his say and now it's my turn. first, i tell him that he's garnered my respect for his threat of violence towards me. if he and she are as tight as she says they are, i totally expected him to be extremely protective of her and would have been disappointed if he hadn't been. then i assure him that i am aware of how blessed i am to receive another shot to be with his friend. i messed up before and she could have told me to fuck off when i saw her again. but she didn't and i'm not going to fuck up this opportunity up by doing something stupid. i'd waited too long for another chance to be with her. that i'm totally committed to us having a successful relationship. and i'm not trying to hurt her or do anything to make her cry. i tell him that she deserves better than me and nothing i do will ever make me worthy of her love. but i'll give everything i am to make her happy. and right before i conclude our conversation and turn to leave, i hand him a piece of paper with my number and address and tell him that if it should happen that we didn't work out and she went to cry on his shoulder, he'd know where to find me. you know, just in case he wanted to make good on his ass-kicking threats. i'm no punk...

there it is again, another person used the word "challenge" on me. i've been hearing that word a lot lately. i mean i've even used it on myself. it's like, "why is it that your recent attempts at relationships have been with people you know would be difficult to pursue? do you like the challenge of chasing someone who seems unattainable? why want someone two or ten hours away from you when there are women all around you?" i could say i don't know but i won't, that's a cop-out. i'll answer as honestly as possible, for my own sake. first, let's look at this angle. i'll recognize that there could be something to this "challenge" thing. i've never been one to "be with someone who didn't make me work to get them". i remember plenty of times when i was younger when someone would tell me some girl liked me yet i never hooked up with any of them. the sad thing is it almost offended me that someone liked me. i couldn't understand why anyone would, i was a dork. still am. when girls liked me, i couldn't even see them, i couldn't hear them because i wasn't likable in that way. i could chase girls but couldn't be chased. i didn't feel like i had that kind of power. i'm no gargoyle. i'm pretty sure there are women here who think i'm cute or smart or nice or whatever and may even want to be with me. but i still feel i don't wield that kind of presence. in my mind, i'll always be a dork that chases girls. second, i'll speak on my current pursuit. even i'll admit that if i had just this girl, chasing her from so far away would be foolish, even for me. but we have history. history that seemingly finished when i fucked up the last chapter. yet years later, i have been afforded another opportunity to pursue a relationship. does this qualify as a challenge? well this certainly isn't easy. but if it works out, it will be that much sweeter because it's something i've wondered about for a while. besides, the harder i have to work now, the more likely i'll continue to work hard in the future. don't get lazy. they said it's easier to become number one than it is to stay number one so it's be good now, be better later...

if she told me that it wasn't in my best interest to be patient, if she said there wasn't any possibility of us pursuing a relationship in the future, then i'd be forced to accept that and move on. but she hasn't said that. she said that if that wasn't a possibility we wouldn't have had what we had when i visited her. when we were sitting face to face in a booth at that restaurant. it happened. so i wait. so i'll wait. she's worth waiting for. i choose to wait...

i was confused and unsure of what to do. i could be patient, i could say "fuck it". no, that's not true. my dilemma wasn't whether or not i was going to wait, it was how much i was going to let not knowing if she wanted me to wait bother me...

i'm pretty sure i've already written this but i keep thinking it. if i told her the whole truth about how i feel about her, i'd be a guy who feels too much too fast. if i lied, well, then i'd be a liar and someone couldn't trust. so i say nothing...

no bullshit. no being coy or shy, vague or evasive. i told myself that if i was ever afforded another opportunity to be with her again i'd do whatever i could to maintain a relationship with her, provided she was interested in being with me. anything i could do as soon as i could do it. and knowing me, that probably makes this my greatest want ever. wow, hyperbole? but i've never spoken this strongly about anything before. ever. i guess it's based on me knowing three things. i know i like her, i like us together and i want to be with her...

i have feelings for a girl. wow, saying that out loud almost sounds like blasphemy. me like a girl, yeah right. but as i sit here all by myself, i want her close to me. i want to touch her, kiss her, just be with her. i see her face in the beauty before me. i smell her in the nature around me. i feel her presence in the wind the blows, her spirit in the sunlight that warms me. i miss her. maybe i shouldn't feel so strongly. maybe it's been too long, maybe time and distance has cooled the fire that once burned between us. i can't believe that. i feel passion while i'm thinking about her. i feel, period...

i want to hold her hand, pull her close to me and kiss her until her knees buckle and she can't support herself...

i am intrigued by the possibility of us having a future together...

i like her a lot. a whole lot. more than she knows. more than i'll tell her. at least right now...

"did you ever have feelings for me", she said. "i have feelings for every woman i've ever loved", i replied. "did you ever have feelings for me", she repeated, this time with emphasis on the word "me". "i have feelings for every woman i've ever loved." and i saw confusion in her eyes, not from what i said but from what i had said would have meant for us in a now distant past. her expression made me aware of the reality of what i had just done and i felt like i was going to be sick. there is a nausea that comes with telling someone you loved them when that's what they wanted from you but were too afraid to when they needed to hear it...

be patient...i'll be patience personified...

i didn't have any realistic expectations of being reacquainted with her. notice i said "realistic". i'd thought of finding her and us being cool again but subconsciously i wanted her to want more. i wanted to like me or have the feelings for me that she'd once had. how realistic is that? a lot of time had passed since the last time we had seen each other and we hadn't exactly parted on the best of terms. but i think i thought she would see me and revert back to a past her that had wanted me. what an ego! i'll admit i had expectations, which i wouldn't have done earlier. but my expectations were based on my motives. i wanted to find her for two reasons. first, i missed her. we grew up together, we'd always been cool, i had to know what she was up to. and i had to hear it from her, not from other parties. second, i was thinking about the last time i saw her way too much. i could still see her driving away from me. i can't remember regretting anything more than letting her go that night. i had to find her to tell her i was sorry. and more importantly i had to know if carrying the burden of thinking i'd fucked up a great relationship could be eased my making the most of a second chance...

plus, and it almost pains me to admit this, i kind of wanted to know if she was completely over me...

why'd it even come to this? how'd it go from what we were then to what we are now? honestly, i don't know i didn't stop her from driving away from me the last time i saw her other than i was scared of her. i still am. she still holds the same power over me that she held then. the fear of rejection is a powerful inhibitor. i mean i liked her then, probably as much as i like her now, and i wanted more than just someone she messed around with. so when she asked if i wanted to fool around that time i freaked out. i could remember our first encounters and how i felt when i didn't see or hear from her after them. they happened and they ended, just like that. i ran away because i couldn't have handled it if that had been all she wanted me for. i wanted to be in a relationship with her. i still do. it's funny how years can pass, you can experience different things, you grow, you mature, and yet the things you want remain the same. right now i'll have to settle for wanting another chance for making a smarter choice...

i laugh when she asks me if i like her. i know i shouldn't because she's probably serious but the fact she has to ask is funny to me. do i like her? uh, yeah! i really like you!...

i want to be with her, i mean i like her that much. the only way that could possibly happen would be if i moved to where she is, after i ignored her statement that she doesn't have the time to devote to having a boyfriend. would i be wrong for feeling like a pussy because i don't have my shit packed and ready to be moved? i feel like this is my second chance at something, no, someone special. i always said if i got this opportunity i'd do whatever i could to make it right this time. but i don't know if the bigger mistake would be to move with no guarantees. i mean no one can guarantee a relationship, but not even a guarantee of a shot at a relationship. or to stay here and feel like i'm not doing everything i can towards being in a future relationship with her. right now all my second chance is is a renewal of our friendship though i don't mean to sound like i'm downplaying our friendship. that in itself is a lot more than i deserve...

i wasn't surprised when she asked me why i liked her, i knew the question was coming. i mean i had just asked her the same thing and had anticipated that after she answered she would want to know why i was interested in her. so i was ready for it, like i said i knew it was coming. don't get me wrong. when i said i was ready for it i meant i already knew what i wanted to say to her. sure i'd prefer not to have to script myself but this is an important question and i didn't want to be tripping and fumbling over my words when i told her exactly how i felt about her. i held her hand and looked her into the eyes. i gave her my "no-bullshit" face. my "world is about to end" face and she knew the time for games had passed. and i told her. it was short and sweet. no long-ass monologue. no boring-ass speech. just because i already knew what i was going to say doesn't mean it was going to take all day to let her know. why do i like you? i've noticed that the important thing to me in terms of interacting with other people is my being comfortable around them. i'm not really at ease in the company of most people. but i've always been comfortable around you. i can be what i am. i'm not pretending, i'm not trying, i'm just me..."

that was the last thought i posted in the book.

sometime in '05 or '06, i wasn't dating stuff in this comp. book.