Re-Writes..."Sins Of A Love-Crazed Man"

""to my sweet friend, i'll never forget you, and the many things you've done for me...remember me always." these words are a constant reminder that being a man intent on trying to be successful in a relationship, or lack thereof, would seem to have a good part to it. but it doesn't really? not in my experiences. and that makes me wonder what kind of man do i want to be, especially when it comes to women and relationships. when i look back on relationships i've seen in the past, or even now, i'm often confused about what women want in a partner. i've seen women who have been abused, both mentally and physically, stay with their men, because their men did it in "love". it was like punching, slapping, pushing them down the stairs, were acts of affection. calling them names to prove their "love". maybe i should be like that. women seem to like a man who yells a them and beats them up. i've also seen women who are neglected, in one way or another. they liked doing things that their partner didn't and so they had to do them by themselves. it was like, "singing, i don't think so, i'll see you later". their men never took an interest in their hobbies, their lives, outside of the relationships. or neglected in other ways. shows of affection in public cease. romantic dinners eaten alone. no more heartfelt gifts just because it reminded them of that person. maybe i should be like that. women seem to like a man who doesn't care about their needs, for companionship, for friendship, for attention. but i know i can't be like that. why? because i try to live shakespeare's statement, "to thine own self be true". and i know i'm not like these other guys. which is why i always say, "i'm not that guy". in other words, when someone brings up a negative aspect of men that they don't care for, i let it be known that i am an individual and therefore, can't be judged on others' actions or feelings. but what type of man am i now? i'm the type of man who would walk to a church from his house, in order to hear a woman i liked sing. even if i didn't know if she was going to sing that day. whether it was someone i'd never heard sing or had listened to a hundred times. to a church i'd never been before. that wasn't even my type of church. that didn't even worship on the same day i did. and if i arrived and never saw who i was looking for, would leave and walk to another church, even if it were several blocks away. that would happen to be another type of church that i didn't usually go to. and didn't worship on the same day i did. and when i didn't see her there, would even consider going somewhere else. i mean, what kind of man would do that? and how do i know i'm that type of man? how? because i did that today. but in retrospect, i don't know what i was thinking. maybe i wasn't. what i know is that all i wanted today was to see this woman and hear her sing. because if she had been singing, i would have been in the first pew, selfishly thinking she was singing her hymn directly to me. and she would look at me and smile, because i was there when i didn't have to be. and maybe then, she would actually be singing to me, not for me, but to me. anyway, that's the type of man i am. doing the unexpected, being the romantic, wanting the fantasy. but these are the sins of a love-crazed man, these are my sins. "for i acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me" - psalms 51:3."

3-19-00