Writes..."Irk, Irks, Irked"

"people are irking me, i'm irked, irked. and i think the saddest part is that it's because i don't really ask anyone for anything and yet i'm still constantly disappointed by what they have to give me. who knows? maybe that's a reflection on me and who i am. maybe i should expect more from people. no, i should demand more. but i don't. i expect very little and usually can't even get that. i remember that jesus asked for little himself and was also disappointed by what mankind had to offer him. and i'm no jesus christ. i use the comparison only to emphasize the point that even the king of kings couldn't get people to do right by him, so what chance do i have? does that make me a pessimist? with a glass half-empty type of mentality perhaps? i don't think so. i'm neither pessimistic or optimistic, i'm a realist. and realistically people do what they do, according to their own desires. but hey, i'm a person too, right?"

Writes..."Reflections"

"i've been debating writing this for days, probably even longer. every time i think i can i change my mind. there are too many feelings i feel about this, too many tears i've cried for past choices i can't change and a future increasingly more inevitable by the day. and it's eating at my very soul. "we were so much in love. i would entertain the thought of being the mother of his child and in time the mother of our children." her words... i don't know if this is difficult to write because we didn't have a child when we were presented with the opportunity years ago or because we think about it now and in a relatively short time the possibility will be lost forever. wait, that's not true. it's both. it's because i know i wanted her to be the mother of my kid, kids, whatever, my offspring and i know that she wanted that too. but we didn't. and i regret that. we were together and then not together and wasting the most valuable resource of all. the one thing that's actually gone when it's gone - time. all we can do now is reflect on what could've been because the reality of the future is it's not gonna happen for us. it can't. soon she won't be able to have any more children. period. us being together or not won't matter. us wanting a child together won't matter. every tomorrow is the next day in the countdown towards the realization that it isn't about us anymore. it's not about what we want or what we are. it's about her being healthy and that's the most important thing.

until she told me she was pregnant, the happiest day of my life had been the day she told me she loved me for the first time. i remember it like it was yesterday. or tomorrow. it had been a long day, a long day for both of us. me with my bullshit and her with her job and doctor's appointment. and then the kids...the day was one of those forever days, where every moment seems to drag and i was tired of the moments for that day. but at least i was home, where we could all sit down together and wind down from the various days we had, perhaps with some wii later on. i've always been a guy who knew he would be happy with family dinner and homework, so i never whine about it now that it's my life. spaghetti and algebra? tacos and shakespeare? it's what i wanted for myself and i got it. after dinner she told me she wanted to go for a walk and before she'd finished her words i had her hand and was headed for the door. i love the kids and everything but i never pass up an opportunity for some alone time with her. we walked lovingly down the street, hand in hand, like teenagers on their first date. i think it was because, beyond the mutual respect we had for one another and what we were individually, what we were together was built on something more than that. we truly loved each other. we'd been though the fire and the flames and emerged unscathed, intact, and forged in one another's hearts. we stopped when we got to the end of the block and i could see tears running down her face. i placed my hand on her face to wipe away her tears and asked her what was wrong. she said she hadn't told me everything the doctor had told her. my heart sank. what? my mind immediately drifted from one life-threatening disease to another, what could it be? i pulled her as close as she could get to me, hugging her as tightly as i could. i told her that whatever it was we would get through it together. and she smiled, stretching up to whisper into my ear. "brian, we're going to have a baby", she said as she began to kiss me all over the face and neck. stunned, shocked, and overwhelmed, i think i dropped to my knees and cried right there on the corner. me sobbing, rubbing her stomach, knowing that my love was pregnant with my child and i couldn't have been happier.

we never hid anything from the girls when they had questions about the baby or the pregnancy. i remember when we were seven months, the younger daughter and i were trading pokémon on our ds's, a skitty for a rampardos, because she thought skittys were cool and i was only digging up shieldons. ah, quality time with the children. anyway, as i was sending my skitty over to her i noticed that her eyes were watering. "what's wrong?", i asked, "don't cry because you're getting a skitty." she looked up at me with tears running down her face and asked, "will you still love me when the baby comes?" and i was speechless. because i never, ever labelled myself as her stepfather, i always figured i was just a dude who was doing the same things her dad was doing for her, just when she was with me. i'd never wondered whether or not she questioned my love for her or her sister. and then it hit me. not having a label didn't make me any less of what i was to her or take away from anything i'd done for her. i wasn't her biological but i was her "bri-o-logical". and i was good with that. taking her by the hand, i led her over to where her mother was resting and placed it on her stomach. i let her know that we were a family and that she was as much a part of me as the baby was, and that my love for her wouldn't change one bit. that she'd always be my wii-bowling, pokèmon-trading, spongebob-watching partner. then i kissed her on the forehead and she seemed reassured, satisfied with what i had told her. and as i smiled at her mom, she began to lead me back to our ds's, eager to get more pokèmon from me.

our daughter was born on a rainy night, on a day the weather couldn't decide what it wanted to do. it was clear, then wet, sunny again, then wet again. but the day's precipitation was of no concern to me. my daughter was coming with postman-like certainty and i was anxious for her arrival. many hours later, she was here and i was her dad. i was her dad, wow, that still sounds crazy! i, brian wilson, was somebody's father. i remember when the nurse asked me if i wanted to hold "my" daughter how surreal the moment was. she placed her in my arms and i cried again. i think i'd cried more times in the short time of her existence than i had in my entire life. her eyes closed, she yawned at me and i was geeked, smiling and beaming like it was the greatest thing ever. then she opened her eyes, big light brown eyes, and looked at me and i looked at her and we knew. she knew that i was her dad and that i would love her without fail. and i knew she was my daughter and that she would be the best thing i would ever do in this life. i was so happy, i was feeling so many things. i gently rocked her back and forth, softly singing "frogs" by alice in chains, until she drifted back to sleep. and her mother laughed because she knew that was something i would do. something unorthodox, something unexpected. something totally "brian". i mean, "frogs", who sings "frogs" to a baby? maybe layne staley before he died? but only us two i'd think. slowly, i walked her over to her mother and kissed her mother's forehead. she'd given me my dream and i couldn't thank her enough for my daughter, our daughter.

but like i said before we'd had an opportunity and never had a child. and with that option being closed to us, all i can do is reflect on the "what if's" and wonder. and i do wonder. a lot."

Writes..."Naked Ambitions"

"i lay naked on top of the bedsheets, too exhausted to crawl up under them. she's exhausting. look at that, even the memory of her has me too fucked up to come up with another word in writing this. it's no exaggeration to say she literally drained every part of me and then walked away, smiling that smile of satisfaction of hers. and i smile another kind of smile into the pillow knowing i had something to do with that smile. the room is dark except for the shadows of trees on the wall and the light coming from the crack at the bottom of the bathroom door. the shower's running, it's three in the morning and i can hear her singing at the top of her lungs, some song i don't know but i'm pretty sure her version would make even the person she got it from deny it. 3x. still, that's one of the reasons i love her. she doesn't care. i love her because she does not care. she can't sing but she doesn't stop because she doesn't care that i know she can't sing. she doesn't care that it's three in the morning and she's trying to overpower the shower with her voice despite the thin walls and the cranky neighbors. there's something about her recklessness, no, apathy i find refreshing, and dare i say, even comforting to me.

i drift in and out of consciousness until i feel her breath on my neck. the mere minutes that have passed since i last felt it seem like a lifetime ago. she whispers into my ear, words that i long to hear. "i love you baby and that love is forever". repeating them over and over as if to reassure me of something i already know. but i knew the first time we met that we were forever. despite the time that's passed and the distance separating us, nothing's changed between us. nothing. what i felt for her the last time i saw her is what i feel for her now. and her eyes tell me that i'm not the only one feeling this way. they burn with desire, with an intensity almost overwhelming to me. her breasts pressed against my back confirm what her eyes say, while her tongue on my neck initiates it. slowly she begins to slide her body up and down mine, kissing it and moaning until i can feel a wetness drip from her to me that i know isn't from her shower. "i want you babe", she says and with these words i am renewed. i turn to face her and she smiles because she knows she has my undivided attention now. and i smile because i know i have what i want. i flip her onto her back and get off the bed. her in a state of arousal is a sight that'll never get old. with closed eyes, her hands move down her body, her fingertips tracing circles around her erect nipples. her chest flush, and in between short, erratic breaths she calls out to me. yet i stay where i am, content to watch this scene play out before me. at least i am for now. seconds pass, minutes, as her hands move lower and lower until she finds the place she wants me to be. a place i never should've left. and again she reaches out for me to come to her. she's a siren and i'm odysseus, i can't resist her. and even homer himself couldn't find enough descriptive words to write about the passion we share.

she's my siren and i'm going to her. and i'm coming also."

Presents..."Annabel Lee" by Edgar Allan Poe

"it was many and many a year ago,
in a kingdom by the sea,
that a maiden there lived whom you may know
by the name of annabel lee;
and this maiden she lived with no other thought
than to love and be loved by me.

i was a child and she was a child,
in this kingdom by the sea;
but we loved with a love that was more than love-
i and my annabel lee;
with a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
coveted her and me.

and this was the reason that, long ago,
in this kingdom by the sea,
a wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
my beautiful annabel lee;
so that her highborn kinsman came
and bore her away from me,
to shut her up in a sepulchre
in this kingdom by the sea.

the angels, not half so happy in heaven,
went envying her and me-
yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,
in this kingdom by the sea)
that the wind came out of the cloud by night,
chilling and killing my annabel lee.

but our love it was stronger by far than the love
of those who were older than we-
of many far wiser than we-
and neither the angels in heaven above,
nor the demons down under the sea,
can ever dissever my soul from the soul
of the beautiful annabel lee.

for the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
of the beautiful annabel lee;
and the stars never rise but i feel the bright eyes
of the beautiful annabel lee;
and so, all the night-tide, i lie down by the side
of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,
in the sepulchre there by the sea,
in her tomb by the sounding sea."

Writes..."Why I Write...By Someone With OCD"

"i write because i feel too much
i write because i feel too much
i write because i feel too much
i write because i feel too much

i write because i feel too much
i write because i feel too much
i write because i feel too much
i write because i feel too much

i write because i feel too much
i write because i feel too much
i write because i feel too much
i write because i feel too much"

Writes..."The Next Time"

"i sit here wondering if i can make the next time i kiss her feel like the last time i kissed her, when our future was bright and our possibilities endless. could be she pulls up as i stand waiting for her, smiling the biggest smile my face can achieve. my hands reaching for the door before she can even put her car in park or unbuckle her seatbelt. and she laughs. i've missed her laugh. i tear up, she has no idea how much i've missed her. i help her out of the car and she can see my eyes are watery, which causes her to tear up as well. i take her hand in my own, using the other to wipe away her tears. and as we stand face-to-face the moment is surreal. i pull her closer to me, close enough to press my forehead against hers and plant kisses on it. she looks up with a knowing smile. i slide one hand to her neck and the other to the side of her face, leaning down as she stands on her tiptoes. there's electricity when our lips meet, a single current surges through both of our bodies. my tongue gently probing, she instinctly grants me access to her mouth. we don't kiss as much as we share passion. and it feels like the last time i kissed her. what if i lead her off the nature trail and under a tree that shelters us from a light rain, so that we can taste each other once again. and that feels like the last time i kissed her. with so many "could be's" and "what if's", i don't know. maybe it's not even possible. maybe we've let too much life come between us for that. but i've come to realize that the only differences between the last time and now are the time that's elapsed and the distance that's grown. i still feel everything i felt for her the last time i put my lips on hers. still, maybe i shouldn't be trying to re-create the last time. maybe the next time is another beginning and what will become that nostaglic moment we look back on one day. when we go, "remember the first time we kissed" and we know that even though it wasn't the first time we actually kissed, it was the first time we truly kissed. the first time following the absence of us in one another's lives. the first time after we realized that we weren't good without one another. and it'll be better then the last time because we'll know these things from having experienced them."

Writes..."Patiently Waiting?...No, Not Patiently"

"they say good things come to those who wait, well i say fuck that! i gotta go with my man abraham lincoln who said, "things may come to those who wait...but only the things left by those who hustle", which is as hood as 1860 could be. plus, i gotta defer to the man who freed the slaves, based on principle alone. i keep hearing, "be patient", that i'll get what i want in the end. how? by crossing my fingers and hoping that things work themselves out in my favor. quoting the miz, "really?!...really??!!" that's the sage advice people have been giving me, "be patient", like that's supposed to be the answer to my problem. they look at me and i look at them and i think, "do you not know me? what in our history, what from our interactions would lead you to believe that i am a patient man?" i'm the antithesis of patience. if patience was personified, i'd be that dude's evil twin, lurking in the shadows, not being patient. b, patient? no. patience is a virtue? let me quote honest abe again, "it has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues." i'm just saying...so, tick...tick...tick...the hands of the clock move very, very slowly.

i know what i want, i want to be happy. so is happiness one of those good things you need to have patience to achieve. is it? quoting the miz again, "really?!...really??!!" happiness?! 'cause i would think that happiness would be one thing that people would tell you you sought out. get born, find something that makes you happy, die with that thing. there was a time when my ringtone was "go getta" by jeezy and kells. but i let people deter me from what i am. i'm not patient, i'm not. but i'm pretty sure those people wouldn't be like, "nooooo, you just sit back and let happiness come to you." you go get it. you gotta be proactive and i'm not talking about the acne creme.

hold on, i just saw it. this post was still in draft form when i saw that the reason i even started this one posted on the very same subject. which i find interesting. brilliant minds... i guess because in this situation i tend to take a more selfish position when it comes to the feelings part, i felt that i needed to write this. i know she's going through it with what she wants to do and how she wants to handle the situation and i understand that it's a difficult time for her. these days she's getting shit on from every possible direction and i don't want to contribute to that but this isn't easy for me either. so "patiently waiting"? that almost seems redundant yet here i am patiently waiting because i'm unable to do anything else. so yesterday, when we were talking on the phone, spilling our guts, the silences were filled with perspiring eyes from both parties. her voice trembling so bad i could barely make out what she was saying. she was hurting and i was hurting, both of us wanting but unsure of anything other than the feelings we have for one another. earlier, i said i wanted to be happy but the truth is i want her and the happiness that would come with us being together again. and right now all i can do is wait for her to come to the same conclusion."

Writes..."Brian Wilson...Dead From Fatal Orgasm"

"today's truth...first you're born and then you die. fact. and there's no getting around that folks. so with the time we have here being so finite, why waste it on the bullshit that makes us unhappy? you only get so much life. when i die (from a fatal orgasm), people won't wonder if i lived happily or not, the smile on my face (from a fatal orgasm) is gonna tell the story. i spent my life loving a woman who loved a man. i loved her hard. and i loved her fully. despite the obstacles, despite our flaws, our love for one another competing. edgar allan poe was writing about us, "we loved with a love that was more than love". oh, and i didn't write lol about "fatal orgasm" because i wasn't joking about that. though i did almost write i skeeted these words on the page. i know, i got problems."

Writes..."Sick Of Bloodshot Eyes And Headaches"

"i find myself in a very familiar situation. i'm gonna need to not know this feeling as well as i do. and to stop wasting the fluid stored in my body forming teardrops for things i'm tired of crying over. things i've got no control over. so i won't. i cried when i was twenty and she couldn't be with me. i cried at twenty-five when it wasn't working between us. i cried at twenty-seven because i didn't understand why we weren't together. now i'm thirty and i'm sick of bloodshot eyes and headaches.

yea, everybody's got a story, whatever they've been through to get where they are. everybody. but my story reads with soap opera predictability. i like her, i want her, something happens, some more shit, then she's gone and i'm balding myself. "quote machine" oscar wilde said, "every saint has a past and every sinner has a future". so i say this. "fuck piety, the shedding of tears is for martyrs and i won't be stoned again." sufferer? i have been. but that past is done. sinner though? no, not me. but be the dude i've been? i can't do it anymore. lisa lisa and the cult jam. i'm all cried out.

i wonder who cries over me? 'cause i remember being twenty, and we weren't crying then, i was crying. i remember being twenty-five and twenty-seven, being alone when i wet up the pillow. did she cry knowing she hurt me? i wonder. did she cry when we couldn't try anymore? i ask myself. did she cry because she missed my touch? who knows? i don't. but that past is done too. my future is now. and kleenex-free."

Writes..."My Response To My Mother's Day Tribute"

"i wrote something that garnered a great deal of positive responses from females when i posted it on facebook. so when a friend of mine brought that to my attention it wasn't a surprise because i had tried to comment to each one of them, i knew who had and what was written about my note. my response to her was, "and yet i'm still alone". truth. that despite the wonderful sentiments towards what i am and what i'm about, when the day is done, i only sleep with the same person they were writing about."

Another Favorite Poet...Kamelah Hartwell-Maddox

"i'm pretty sure i've known melah since junior high too. but i never knew she was so sick with a pen. sleeping on her greatness i suppose. big mistake. don't be like me, get into her work asap. check out her blog @ http://poeticrhymesbyk.blogspot.com. she's definitely got a way with words and the skill to deliver them."

Writes..."Tribute To My Mother On Mother's Day"

"with tomorrow being mother's day i decided to post something for my mother. here it goes, even though i'm fairly certain she won't read it..."

"writing is a gift, everybody can't do it. everybody can't take the feelings in their heart and convey them with words. some people struggle and become frustrated and discouraged with it and quit trying. i don't seem to have that problem. i'll admit, sometimes there's a process to find the "perfect" word but i tend to come up with something i like in the end. i know what you're thinking, what's the point? i guess my point is if you've read anything i've written on this blog that sounded articulate or halfway intelligent, that's because of my mom. this 155 right here is her. she's ridiculously smart. i'm ridiculously smart. i am my mother's son.

being a good man to a woman is instilled, everybody isn't taught to. everybody isn't taught that he should love a woman with everything that he is, giving everything of himself to her. and accepting her for who she is, allowing her to be who she is. loving her despite her faults. cherishing her as his queen. i don't seem to have that problem either. again, my mom. she impressed these things upon early and often until they became as much a part of me as this 155 is. she explained to me that men are romantic. i am romantic. she explained that men are about their effort and their word. i am about my effort. and my word. i am my mother's son.

i'll end this thought with three little points. first, to all of the mothers out there, happy mother's day!!! it's a difficult job and no amount of appreciation from your husband or kid's father or kids really is enough but i'll say thanks anyway!! second, if anyone read this and felt what i was writing, give my mom a call or a shout out. send her a message on fb or something. cause third, i would not be who i am today if i didn't have my mom. my parents divorced when i was young and if i had raised by my dad i...never mind, i won't even go there. but i can guarantee i would not be writing this right now. anyway, i love you mom!!! with everything that i am and everything i will be."

-brian

Re-Writes..."Small Talk"

""hey, can i talk to you for a moment?" you say to me, peeking from around the corner. i tell you i always have time for you. it sort of surprises me because we haven't had a one-on-one conversation in a while though i've always found our time talking together a pleasure. you grab my hand and lead me away from the crowds of people off to a more secluded place. we start off with special talk, different happenings in our lives, catching up on each other. seconds pass. minutes. it's just like old times. we laugh and joke like when we were younger. but i sense there's something important on your mind. something that's not being said. and as much fun as we're having, i know you didn't bring me here for small talk. i ask you if there's something on your mind, something you want to ask me. you nod and go to the door, locking the door. to myself, i was wondering what's going on. you're acting totally out of character. you walk back over to me, sitting down in a chair that is directly facing me. you look me right in the eyes, put a hand on my cheek and say point-blank, "answer my questions truthfully because i have to know the truth." i tell you i will and this is the first time i feel i will be able to answer any questions about my feelings openly, without being vague or evasive. your eyes have penetrated the barrier i have built around my heart and soul. i have become vulnerable. and then you say it, "have you ever liked me, i mean, like wanted to be more than friends, liked me? any other time in the past i would have avoided this question like the plague, but here, now, and without hesitation, i answer yes. "how come you never told me?" and again without hesitation, i tell you it's because i was scared that if i told you i wanted to be with you and you rejected me, i would have been crushed, our friendship might have become strained and it would have been awkward for us. and how i didn't want to risk that. i think to myself just how clear and thought out my answers are. only i know how many times i've practiced them in my mind over the years. just in case you ever wanted to know. you seem to accept my answers with an understanding attitude and a knowing smile. "do you still like me like that?" once again i answer with a quick yes. "did you ever wonder how i felt about you?" i tell you i did but i'd always known we had a strong relationship and if we, eventually, had become a couple, it would have been because of it. i may have wanted more from you but i was content with our friendship. if i couldn't have been your man, i would rather have been your friend than nothing at all. this makes you cry. all the emotions of memories and wasted time. the room is thick with released feelings that have been stored up for years. even i, someone who has a past of hiding his emotions and reputation for being cold and distant, feel like bawling right along with you. i stand you up and hold you in my arms while you cry on my shoulder. you break from our embrace just enough to ask one final question. "what are you going to do about it now?" this time i don't have an instant answer. i didn't anticipate ever getting asked this question. suddenly, i realize why you locked the door. your man, my friend, was still around when we slipped away and is probably looking for you right now. now i understand all the secrecy in our meeting. and all the questions. i tell you i allowed you two to hook up because i care about you so much, that all i want in life is for you to be happy. and if you were happy without me as your man, then i would just have to be happy for you, even if it was eating me up inside. just knowing that you were happy were enjoying your relationship was enough for me. i'll always be there for you, whenever you need me. that i value our friendship and if your relationship were to end, i would be waiting for you. this makes you cry. i wipe the tears from your face and kiss your forehead. suddenly, we hear your man calling your name and we break from our embrace. i hold your hand as you turn away. your hand slipped from mine and walk to the door. you glance at me one last time from the door, blow me a kiss, and walk into the darkness, leaving me to sit alone."

1-21-00

Re-Writes..."Relationship X"

"last night i was startled from my sleep by a thought that was so real, so possibly true, that it almost made cry. because i could see it actually happening and it made me question my present and future with you. i remember it was dusk and a light rain fell from the heavens. you had just parked on the street, directly in front of my house and i came out to greet you. we hugged and exchanged pleasantries. the rain continued its downpour but we didn't seem to notice. everything was great, we laughed and talked for what seemed like hours. that is, until i asked you to do something like define our relationship. were we friends, more than friends, just acquaintances? did we share a special bond? did i have something with you nobody else had? i know that people think of a woman always asking these questions. but i usually see myself being the one wanting to know because i have been confused about this for a while now. and that's when you said something like you thought about us being more than friends, but i never opened up to you, never told you how i felt, so you dismissed the idea. i began to think about what you had just said and i could see that you were right. there had been many opportunities where i could have told you how i felt about you, many opportunities for me to have told you i wanted to be with you. but i had squandered them, always telling myself that when i was ready you would still be waiting for me. and at that moment i realized that you wouldn't wait forever and that if i didn't say something soon, you might be gone before i ever did. so right then, in the pouring rain, under the street light, i began to unleash all the feelings i'd stored up over the years. it went something like this. "you want to know how i feel? okay. i love you! and you can take that any way you want to. because i don't know exactly how. but i know what i love you means and i've never said it before. because i know what it means. i remember my aunt telling me i have a problem saying it. like i couldn't say it. but i don't have trouble saying it. i think i was just saving it for you. and the other feelings that i have withheld from you were so because i was scared. i was sacred of making myself vulnerable in front of you. and because of that, maybe i missed out on some valuable advice you could have given me. i was scared of making myself look stupid. and because of that, i probably missed out on new experiences between us. but i've lived a sheltered life. and haven't been exposed to relationship type things. i can't translate what you might say or interpret what you might do as well as others can. they have years of experience that i don't have. like they were all seasoned veterans and i was still learning the rules of the game. i could blame others, but i'll only blame for the questionable relationships we have. i could have made it where the only questions in our relationship would have been the time and the place. and for that i'm sorry. because i can't imagine you not being in my life. i need you! i want you! i love you!" that's when i woke up."

3-21-00

Re-Writes..."Available" and "Statistic"

"once upon a time a girl told me i was cute. i was cute and she was available. but she wasn't available and i'm not into sharing. or games. i was cute and she was cute. she talked to a guy on the phone at midnight. she wasn't talking to me. they're weren't talking and she was available plus i was cute. we played around a lot. a few pushes and taps every now and then. a couple of jokes about skinny-dipping in my pool and body massages given later in the day. then she was gone and really unavailable. and i was alone but still cute."

""stop fooling yourself", i say to myself. then you look at me. i'm thinking that you and i could make it. but you've got a man. don't deny it, it's true. the two of you casually date. if you're dating, he's your man. if you talk at midnight, he's your man. i may be new but i've heard things and i catch on fast. you like guys, lots of guys. you like me, i can tell. but i don't want to be a statistic. guy number 10, 50, or 200. still when you look at me, it's like we were meant for each other. when our eyes meet, mine brown, yours seductive, only we exist in that moment of bliss. totally oblivious to everyone and everything around us. i know you feel it too. and when ou talk to the guy who's not your man tonight, think about that. think about me and try not to call him my name."

9-9-99...9-15-99...i don't know why i'm posting these two separate thoughts about one girl, flashbacks of a past me i guess.

Writes..."I Haven't, Won't, Can't Change What I Am"

"i know i keep saying this but it really does amaze me that my writing hasn't changed a whole lot in the ten plus years since i first felt like i needed to put words on paper. in reading my old composition books i've discovered that i write about the same things, the same way, now that i'm thirty that i did when i was twenty. i still write about heartache and wanting. i still write about passion and desire. i still write about discovery and i find that amazing. i always say people don't change, you are who you are. a tweak here or there but no major character overhauls. i know i was a kid that believed in love that became a man who made it his religion. despite the pitfalls and obstacles in the past, despite tripping and falling, bloody elbows and knees, i press on. i love...because i don't know how not to. it's what i know because it's who i was at 20, who i am at 30 and who i'll be when i die."

Re-Writes..."What I Think"

"i've been thinking about us. thinking about you and about your situation. i know you may not think of me as a possibility in your endeavors towards relationships. and it may not even matter because we're both already committed to other people. but this is what i was thinking. i don't know if i am the best person, that ideal choice, to complete your life. the perfect man that you deserve. i don't know if i am that guy but i know that whatever i could do for you, whatever presence i could have in your life would be better than what you have with your current boyfriend. and even though this is only my opinion, i hope what i think is important to you. because you are important to me. to me, we're more than friends. we share a bond that's beyond description and other people dream of obtaining. with so many appealing qualities, you're the standard i hold other women to. which only makes it more inconceivable why you haven't found what you're looking for in a man. someone who can be your everything. a friend, a lover, a partner. a shoulder to cry on, someone to share a laugh with. is it wrong for me to only want the best for you? to want you to be happy? to want you to have the finer things in life? a successful career, a loving marriage, a wonderful family. but i can't see this guy being everything you need, all the things you desire. and you don't know how my heart breaks when you tell me the stories of your daily experiences with him. how difficult it is for me to maintain my composure when i hear of how he treats you. why anyone would do anything to upset you i don't know. i can't understand why he takes you for granted. why he doesn't seem to realize just what he has. or seem to value his relationship with you. you deserve better than him. you need a real man. because this guy can't be a real man. a real man would be able to see how special you are. beautiful, intelligent, charming. a real man would realize how fortunate, no, how blessed he was to have you in his life. to know he had your love. a real man would see these things. and know that he could do anything, accomplish any goal, conquer any obstacle, because he had you by his side. nurturing him. loving him. a real man would know that these are the only things he needs. and you'd be happy. and i'd be happy for you. that's what i've been thinking."

5-23-00

Re-Writes..."I Never Told Her"

"i had a thought today. the only girl i'd ever loved died while i was away. she was the only girl i'd ever actually thought i loved. but i never told her and she drifted away from me. she found another and lived her life. even though he was wrong for her. all three of us knew that. but she was beautiful and smart and had other appealing qualities that attracted us both. and he was there. and i never told her. and now she was dead. the funeral was filled with familiar faces. i walked past the mourning relatives and placed two fingers on her picture. i moved to her body. a tear rolled down my cheek as i grasped her cold hand. she looked at peace. i hoped she was. i walked up to the podium where our group was supposed to sing. it was extremely difficult. while i was singing, images of our experiences together kept flashing into my mind. the moment i knew i wanted her, the second i knew i needed her to love me, when i knew i could die for her. it seemed to me people were surprised i was so emotional. but they didn't know we had a history, even though we never had a relationship. it was like a secret was being revealed, and yet, it remained a mystery to them. and now, she was dead and i was truly alone. because i never told her."

11-19-99...it's weird how this thought and the next one were the basis on what i posted 3-31...more than ten years later...

Re-Writes..."Death Of A Girlfriend"

"once again i was thinking about of someone close to me passing away, while i stood by hopelessly. but this time was different. this time the person that died was my girlfriend. the previous time it was someone that i had liked but never had a relationship with. and the fact that i had a girlfriend only worsened the pain in my heart. becuase the last time i never got to telling that girl that i loved her. but i came to realize that even though i had told my girl that i loved her a hundred times, it didn't lessen the blow of losing her. like remembering i'd told her i loved her one day the week before or even the minute before she died, would have made me feel less alone, less horrible, like it was okay that she passed. but it wasn't okay. and i wasn't okay. i cursed myself. and i cursed everyone else. why hadn't i done anything to save her? doctor after doctor said there was nothing i could have done, but i could have done something, anything. and that continues to eat me up inside. even now. i remember the moments before she died like they happened yesterday. the day before she had called and told me that she was going to the hospital for a check-up. i wasn't surprised. it seemed pretty routine and even though i knew she had some health problems, i didn't think anything of it. if only i had taken it more seriously. but the next day, i got a phone call from her mom. i immediately knew something was wrong because i'd never even spoken to her mother before. her mom told me that my girl was dying, so much so, that they didn't expect her to last through the night and that she had asked for me to be there with her. i can't even describe the feelings that overwhelmed me at that moment. but i remember i eked out an "i'll be there" and hung up the phone. the minutes between that and me finally getting to see her are a total blur. shock has wiped away my memory of this period of time. but i recall that she was sleeping when i arrived. i quickly introduced myself to all her relatives, wishing that it could have been from more pleasant circumstances when she opened her eyes and smiled at me. she quietly asked all of the other people in the room to leave so that we could have a moment alone. and while the room was clearing, i made my way to her bed where she was waiting for me with her hand reaching for mine. i grabbed her hand, kissed her forehead and told her she couldn't leave me because i loved her. and that i couldn't be alone again. but she looked at me with those eyes and told me i would okay without her. our love would survive, even through death, and that she would be waiting for me. and we cried. and we prayed. and then we kissed one last time and she faded away, leaving me alone to cry some more. remembering her last words made her funeral even more difficult for me. why had we even crossed paths if our future together was to be so short? why had god even brought us together? then i almost did it. i almost cursed god for the cruel tragedy i was going through. but i knew she wouldn't have wanted that. i knew she wouldn't have wanted me to be sad. i knew what she would have wanted but her death had crushed me. destroyed my world. but i take solace in my memories of her eyes. symbols of innocnece lost prematurely. innocence lost senselessly. i miss her so much. i love her so much."

4-12-00

Re-Writes..."Love Lost"

"a love i had once
wasn't meant to be
love that was perfect
love that conquered me

i couldn't escape
its hold on my heart
love that was ended
ripping it apart

does love forsake me
does it make me sad
when i only wish
for the love i had"

2-19-00

Re-Writes..."Brainus Erectus"

"need to make a love connection
to satisfy my erection
and end my bouts of dejection
very limited selection
glancing up from the sports section
pretty girl at intersection
starts to walk in my direction
momentary eye dissection
striking image of perfection
in the window, her reflection
reveals no signs of defection
but at first, i fear rejection
she licks her lips, her election
get her home with no detection
remove her clothes for inspection
kissing, liking her midsection
i am in charge, girl's subjection
she's on her knees, genuflection
'where's the rubber?', her deflection
to make love with no protection
and risk the chance of infection
i have to voice my objection
it's time to make the correction
grab a condom from collection
and spread her legs for injection
she'll be coming, my projection
and begging for more affection
then i spot an imperfection
she didn't want my intellection
quickly perform a resection
give the girl the swift ejection
couldn't care about abjection
taking time for retrospection
only terms of introspection
glad i made my love connection
to satisfy my erection"

1-19-00...don't know why i wrote this other to prove how smart i was...or creative

Re-Writes..."A Chance"

"i just can't figure it out. so i try to justify it as him having something i don't, some trait that i lack, that you want in a man. so sometimes i sit and think, any possible area he may have on me. maybe it's that he looks better than me or maybe he's smarter than me. or maybe he's sensitive to a woman's needs than i am. then it comes to me. it's his abs. he has a flatter stomach than i do. but i really don't know that, i've never seen him. so, it seems that i could ask any kind of reason comparing me with this other guy and not come up with the one he has you and i don't.

i'm not sure why i even compare us. we're obviously two completely different people. but the fact that we share a common desire brings the need for comparisons. simply because human nature makes each of us wonder what qualities some people have that others don't, especially when it comes to finding love.

so maybe i'm just selfish. because i tend to look at my position in this situation and others like it, as me losing, even though i know it's not a game. there aren't supposed to be winners and losers. but i seem to be losing to the other guy. but it's not just that i'm losing to this guy. if i knew this guy was better for you than i was, then maybe i could just be happy for you. but i don't think that and i don't think i ever will. and i know from the stories you've told me about your experiences with him that he isn't the one for you. he's an abusive, insensitive, jealous person. no, person is too kind. fact is, he's an asshole. period. so the fact that you make excuses for him and continue to stay with him, makes me wonder how selfish i really am. because it makes me feel like even though he's an asshole, he's still good enough to have you and i'm not. and that i'm not even going to get a chance to show you i can love you right. and coming to that realization makes me feel bad. because when you know an asshole has the woman you want and she still wants him, even though he's an asshole, there's not much chance of getting her to want you. and her not wanting you is worse than losing to an asshole."

8-15-00

Re-Writes..."The Real Brian Wilson"

"will the real brian wilson please stand up? a certain thing has occurred in my life that has forced me to think about what i should do. and in a time when circumstances have caused me to question what kind of person i am. i've begun to wonder what the appropriate action i should take is and if i have the makeup of someone who could handle this situation with the delicate attention it deserves and still hold on to my own sanity. though right now, i'm failing in my attempts to do that. because this dilemma is part of an ongoing saga that is driving me crazy. and my part in the resolution of my problem isn't as simple as it sounds. it involves feelings and emotions, things i'm not used to including in the process of making my decisions. but here's the situation. a boy and a girl commit to each other. life is good. for two months. then the girl tells the boy that she's confused about their relationship because she still has feelings for her ex-boyfriend and breaks up with the boy. she says she needs to be alone for a while. the boy is stunned. the news comes out of nowhere and he is totally unprepared. but as consolation, she tells the boy he can still be her friend and they can still go out together. he can be there for her. and comfort her when she was down. and share in her good times. and maybe, eventually she would realize what she had in him and come back to him. or maybe she wouldn't. now what would you do? the boy thinks about this. and thinks. and writes.

this situation that i'm in is very confusing. maybe if i had had a million relationships in the past, i probably wouldn't even care. it would be like, "whatever". but i haven't. up until now, social interaction with females had been nonexistent. only with this girl did i feel comfortable enough to be with. to contemplate a future with. to love. and i still love this girl. but what about what i want. i mean, i understand what she's saying and i respect her for being honest with me about her feelings. but right now, i don't want to be alone. and suddenly i am. regardless of her personal problems that isn't fair to me. especially the way it came off. after two months instead of before we even began to talk. that's just wrong. what about what i want? i need someone to be there for me. someone to talk to. someone that's more than a friend. just because i've come to a time when i need to be close to someone. because without it, every day feels like pieces of me are dying. that's what i need but obviously my feelings weren't part of the decision-making process.

so what kind of person am i? am i someone who would respect someone else's feelings and requests despite of his own personal desires? or am i the person who's all about what they want they want and will do anything to get it, even though it may be against someone else's wishes? i don't know yet. i haven't decided."

6-16-00

Re-Writes..."Alone"

"i'm so alone, nobody's here
i wipe my face to shed a tear
and cry into my cotton sheets
under my blanket, filled with fear

life's uncertain, no direction
weird when you're used to perfection
outdoing others, storied feats
when looking back in reflection

i'm so alone, nobody stayed
when happiness began to fade
and discontent crept in to dwell
out of the sun, in my heart's shade

i've soaked my sheets with tears of pain
life by myself is wedding rain
unbearable, a living hell
it's getting harder to maintain

i'm so alone, i must contend
that darkness is my only friend
through life, i'll shout it in the streets
it's me alone until the end"

1-18-00

Re-Writes..."My Love"

"have you ever felt that in one seemingly insignificant gesture, one small thing you did, your future was forever changed, though you didn't know how? like at a single moment of uncertainty in your life, you decided to do one thing, one little thing, and that choice had a lasting effect on your world. because in that instant you did something you'd never done before. something you'd never learned to do. something you'd never seen. something you were never taught. at a time when your instincts told you to just do what you would normally do, the total opposite. but you didn't. this was the time something inside of you gave you the courage to do that seemingly insignificant thing, that forever altered your life. i have. that's the way i felt the first time i told you i loved you. just words to anyone else, but to me, represent a departure from the emotionally-repressed life i was living. while others use "i love you" loosely i waited until i actually felt i knew what it meant before i uttered it. waited for the time i thought i could say it sincerely. truthfully. definitely. i love you. and letting you know that i love you will definitely change my future. because before i was on a path without you, without your love. destined for nothing and no one. but because we have been brought together tomorrow seems bright. why? because it's no longer my future, it's our future. our future together."

5-9-00

Re-Writes..."Common Sense"

"these are the times that try men's souls." - thomas paine

"i look at her and my heart yearns for her, and for us and what we could have together. and what we could become. but right now, all we have is our friendship, a bond, a closeness that others wish for but can only dream of. and all i have is this pain from my longing to have more with her. still, i keep my desires for her hidden beneath a fraudulent smile. because it only serves no other purpose than to mask this hurt i have inside. this internal conflict between my heart and my mind. but when i see her smile and know that she is happy, i realize that the thing i want the most is for her to be happy. and that if my being miserable just happened to be an aftereffect of her own happiness, then i could live with that. since i knew that she was happy. and that i could be satisfied just being friends. because i need her in my life, regardless of our exact relationship. in spite of my feelings. still, when we're together, i think to myself, 'ask her if she really is happy or if she is putting on a front like i am.' just to make sure my having a broken heart isn't in vain. but i never do. because i rather it be like this than ruin the connection that we have by just walking away from our friendship and stepping back into the shadows. so these are the times that try my soul. because my heart is saying one thing, but my mind is saying another. and though emotion has never dictated my life, i can say i've felt content before. and my heart is telling me that being with her would finally bring ease to my existence. and i think i'm ready to be happy. but right now i don't see how."

7-22-00

Re-Writes..."Life"

"where misery and suffering pair
i walk alone, though in despair
through bitter wings and frosty air
and emotions hard to bear

my way unsure, the road unpaved
my heart is black, and dark in caves
my spirit's drowned in storm-tossed waves
my soul is lost and can't be saved

and yet i press on through the night
in the darkness, searching for light
while i cope with internal fight
to choose a path, if wrong or right

i cry alone in floods of rain
my clothes are soaked, my teardrops stain
i struggle trying to maintain
since nothing seems to heal this pain

and end my plight and make me whole
yet i accept my chosen role
so rescuing my tortured soul
seems pointless as a realized goal

because this word that fills my heart
is starting to tear me apart
if life's a stage, i'll play my part
alone since birth, cursed from the start

isolated on city streets
the only sounds, silence, heartbeats
i stay the course despite defeat
when friendships fade, love's bittersweet

since my emotions make it rife
to question the meaning of life
all these burdens cut like a knife
in this world of conflict and strife"

10-21-00

Re-Writes..."All I Want"

"true love cannot be found where it doesn't truly exist and it cannot remain hidden where it does." in a world where everyone wants expensive things to make them happy, i feel i am a rarity. because while everyone else is concerned about making money and acquiring possessions, i yearn for a simpler thing. they say money can't buy it and you can't live without it. i'm talking about the idea of love. all i want in this world is for someone to love me. to be completely devoted to me. with a love that transcends all others. true love. transcending all barriers that could be placed on it. i long for a love like this. i need a love like this. money is nice and things are great but they don't last. they're only temporary. true love is forever. like i said that's all i want. true love. a soulmate. my soulmate. the person that completes me perfectly. and i them. not money, not things, just love. a true love."

3-25-00

Re-Writes..."A Promise"

"i'll look at her and this is what i'm going to say. 'i value us, the time we've spent together, this bond of friendship that we have. promise me this. promise me that no matter what may happen between us, we will maintain our friendship. we will continue to keep our relationship intact. friends forever. where only death will be able to temporarily break the closeness, the bond, that we shared in life. that we won't drift from each other like others may have. that we'll strive to keep a part in each other's lives, each other's hearts. because i can't imagine you not being in my life. and you'll always have a piece of my heart. that piece that no one else will ever be able to have. that piece with your name on it. like once uncharted territory, it seems you've claimed that piece for your own. i hope i have a piece of yours. forever.'"

4-8-00

Re-Writes..."Feelings"

"have you ever wanted someone so bad that you couldn't imagine that person not being in your life? and i mean where your own existence seemed lacking in areas that are reasons for even living. like this person was just as essential to your life as air and water are. and when you were in this person's presence, you felt at peace with yourself and your surroundings and content with your life. and when that person smiled, any doubt you may have had about your life life immediately disappeared. you felt like you could conquer the world. and when they laughed, you felt happy knowing that this angel sitting next to you was happy. and sometimes when you were together, you would stare at them, not only contemplating how fortunate you were just to be in that person's company, but just trying to soak up the essence of that person. taking in their being, studying each and every feature that makes up their body. the color and texture of their hair, the color of their eyes, how they purse their lips when they're just listening to you talk, how they cross and re-cross their legs when they're watching television, the way they sigh. every little detail that to anyone else must seem insignificant, but to you, these are the things that make that person unique and beautiful, beyond their physical being. have you ever noticed the details of someone like that before? which one of your encounters was the one when you realized you wanted that person permanently in your life? do you remember? i do. i remember the exact moment you in my life?"

12-21-99

Re-Writes..."Shadows"

"i watch her from around the corner. she is talking to her friends. talking about fashion, hair, girl things. i notice the way her lips mouth every word she says. the way she plays with her hair when she is nervous. and how she shifts from left to right when she is angry. i notice those things. did you? when she was your girl, did you notice every single detail that made her unique? that made her the object of your desire? i know you didn't. because if you had she would still be your girl. you wouldn't have let someone so special slip through your fingers. and now you're alone. and now she's alone. but not for long. because i lay back hidden in the shadows watching, waiting. waiting for the right time to emerge from the darkness and do what you couldn't. say what you wouldn't. be what you weren't."

12-5-99

Re-Writes..."My Brain's Desperate Plea"

"i want a girl that's smart. and i don't mean smart like she was able to tell her teacher 5 times 5 was 25 on the first try back in the fifth grade, when she knew she was going to be quizzed on monday and had the whole weekend to study her 10 by 10 multiplication table. that's not smart. if i say, for example, "waiting for the time clock to hit 8:15 makes me think of pavlov's dog salivating", there are three definite responses that would be an instant turn-off to me. one response would be, "who's pavlov?". now i know that would eliminate at least 3/4 of the eligible girls in the world and considering you don't cover pavlov in school like george washington or napoleon, i'd probably let that one slide. i couldn't decide which one of the other two responses was worse, "what's a dog?" or "what's a pavlov's dog?" "what's a dog?" sounded worse to me until i thought about the second question more carefully. to completely dismiss the idea that the term "pavlov's dog" isn't a person and an animal initially, that seems just as bad as not knowing what a dog was in the first place. to somehow merge the term into a single more complex thing just seems wrong. i want a girl who will say something like, "it's like the final tick of the clock is the bell that's trained you to know to go home. you are glenwood's dog", in a joking manner. i need someone to talk to, discuss and debate over more sophisticated topics than whether or not i liked a movie or watched a television show. that's okay sometimes but i would like to talk about a john grisham novel or one of shakespeare's plays occasionally. maybe go see an orchestra perform mozart's "don giovanni". but most of the girls i know can't even spell mozart, let alone tell you what he did. my mom says i'll have to go to a college campus to meet someone smart enough for me. really? jay leno was interviewing college graduates right after they walked off the stage graduation day, asking basic questions anyone out of high school should easily know. he asked many people what 3 squared was. everyone on tv said 6. someone offered the excuse that they weren't a math major. i hope not. now, i ask myself, "is college where i will find a kindred spirit, some woman with all sorts of knowledge and a love of the arts?". that remains to be seen., but i know right now it's making me crazy. to have theories on various subjects and no one to test them on, is very disheartening. it's like my brain will soon become a shell of its former self. help me!

9-1-99...this post is for ska.

Writes..."I, B Hunting"

"sean: do you have a soulmate?
will: define that.
sean: someone who challenges you.
will: that's easy - chuckie.
sean: no, you know chuckie would lie down in traffic for you. i'm talking about someone who you can relate to, who opens things up for you. someone who touches your soul.
will: sure, i got plenty.
sean: well, name them.
will: shakespeare, nietzsche, frost, o'conner...
sean: well that's great. they're all dead.
will: not to me, they're not.
sean: you can't have a lot of dialogue with them.
will: not without a heater and some serious smelling salts."

-dialogue from "good will hunting"

"i couldn't stop my eyes from wetting my face as i watched this scene from "good will hunting" so i put my hoodie on and walk outside, i don't need anyone asking me why i'm crying. they wouldn't understand. i mean, everyone thinks they're unique. everyone thinks they're a snowflake but really everyone's not. people conform, they want to fit in, thus either losing their individuality or never developing one. they become clones of one another and i'm no clone. i am different. weird? eccentric? maybe, but i'm good with it. see, anyone who knows me and has seen that movie sees me as the title character, both positively and negatively. i won't say i'm that smart. i'm not that smart. but i'm closer to him smart than to "100". and i understand certain aspects of what matt damon's character was going through. people tell me i'm wasting myself doing the bullshit i'm doing every day. every day!!! i'm smart, i'm creative and i'm talented. i need to be doing more, i get it. and the loneliness...it's extremely lonely being different. and it's extremely lonely being smart. that's the realization i've come to. i wipe my eyes but i can't stop crying. am i lonely? yes... do i have a soulmate? uh? probably...hopefully...who knows? i know it's not nietzsche or frost or shakespeare. i keep my hoodie over my face to hide my eyes as i go back inside. as sad as i am, i realize that this is my life as i b hunting for some sense of direction. i, b. hunting. now that is creative."

Re-Writes..."A Vision"

"i had a vision of a girl today. i"ll recall the scene as best i can. the sky was dark and cloudy, completely colored with every shade of blue to gray to black. i could see lightning flash in the background. i was standing on the roof of a library. suddenly, a stairway descending from the heavens appeared with light at the bottom but hardly any at the top. i could hear footsteps coming from the clouds down the stairway. as the footsteps approached the roof, i could finally see the mysterious figure. she was about 5'10'', brown skin, like she was hispanic, long, straight brown hair with lighter brown highlights in the front, light brown eyes, beautiful face. she was wearing a tight chemise, just doing enough to conceal her voluptuous bosom, taut stomach, yet completely exposing her bronzed long legs. she looked like an angel. she reached for my hand and together we stepped to the edge of the roof. she commented on how the story of "romeo and juliet", though tragic, was very romantic. the idea of love being a powerful enough emotion to have, that death was the only option without it. i nodded in agreement, too amazed that someone that was this beautiful knew something about shakespeare. i knew i was in love then. she continued on, saying she wondered what it was like that much in love. i told her i'd never been in love before. that made her sad and she began to cry. i told her not to cry as i wiped the tears off her face. i held her close as we stood face to face, staring into each other's eyes. and as we kissed, i sensed a warm and completely peaceful ambience surrounding us. then suddenly, she broke away from me and jumped off the library. without hesitation i dove off after her, but i realized somewhere between the fifth and fourth floors she had disappeared. and as my body collided with the street below, i could feel my bones breaking, my insides bleeding, my life slipping away. i looked up with great difficulty, possibly because my neck was broken, to see her going back up the stairway, back to the heavens. she turned her face to me. first, i saw a tear, then nothing."

8-15-99...this was my first thought ever. i remember my mom laughing when i read it to her.

Re-Writes..."Words"

"is there anything i could say that could describe how i feel about you? that could perfectly express the way you've captured my heart. the way you've enthralled me with your being. the way you make me feel. what words could i use? to tell you what you mean to me. how i need you. and how i want you. and how i can't live without you. is there any expression, any phrase, any concept, that could even come close to depicting the impact you have on me and my life. sometimes it seems that nothing i can come up with displays the power of the heartfelt sentiments i have towards you. and sometimes it seems like even the emotions i have for you conjured from the depths of my soul lack the magnitude that i wish to relay. i often wonder if there is a way to explain my feelings for you, in words so exact, so precise. but nothing, not beautiful prose or hand-written thoughts, meet the expectations i have of how i want you to know your importance to me. just how much i love you. but maybe that's enough. maybe all the words that have ever been uttered have been useless except for those three. because sometimes people say things without substance and don't realize they're wasting the context of words. but "i love you" holds special meaning to me. to me, no words equal in significance, in intensity, in feeling. so maybe those are the only words i need. "i love you". maybe that's enough."

5-8-00