Re-Writes..."Relationship X"

"last night i was startled from my sleep by a thought that was so real, so possibly true, that it almost made cry. because i could see it actually happening and it made me question my present and future with you. i remember it was dusk and a light rain fell from the heavens. you had just parked on the street, directly in front of my house and i came out to greet you. we hugged and exchanged pleasantries. the rain continued its downpour but we didn't seem to notice. everything was great, we laughed and talked for what seemed like hours. that is, until i asked you to do something like define our relationship. were we friends, more than friends, just acquaintances? did we share a special bond? did i have something with you nobody else had? i know that people think of a woman always asking these questions. but i usually see myself being the one wanting to know because i have been confused about this for a while now. and that's when you said something like you thought about us being more than friends, but i never opened up to you, never told you how i felt, so you dismissed the idea. i began to think about what you had just said and i could see that you were right. there had been many opportunities where i could have told you how i felt about you, many opportunities for me to have told you i wanted to be with you. but i had squandered them, always telling myself that when i was ready you would still be waiting for me. and at that moment i realized that you wouldn't wait forever and that if i didn't say something soon, you might be gone before i ever did. so right then, in the pouring rain, under the street light, i began to unleash all the feelings i'd stored up over the years. it went something like this. "you want to know how i feel? okay. i love you! and you can take that any way you want to. because i don't know exactly how. but i know what i love you means and i've never said it before. because i know what it means. i remember my aunt telling me i have a problem saying it. like i couldn't say it. but i don't have trouble saying it. i think i was just saving it for you. and the other feelings that i have withheld from you were so because i was scared. i was sacred of making myself vulnerable in front of you. and because of that, maybe i missed out on some valuable advice you could have given me. i was scared of making myself look stupid. and because of that, i probably missed out on new experiences between us. but i've lived a sheltered life. and haven't been exposed to relationship type things. i can't translate what you might say or interpret what you might do as well as others can. they have years of experience that i don't have. like they were all seasoned veterans and i was still learning the rules of the game. i could blame others, but i'll only blame for the questionable relationships we have. i could have made it where the only questions in our relationship would have been the time and the place. and for that i'm sorry. because i can't imagine you not being in my life. i need you! i want you! i love you!" that's when i woke up."

3-21-00