Re-Writes..."Death Of A Girlfriend"

"once again i was thinking about of someone close to me passing away, while i stood by hopelessly. but this time was different. this time the person that died was my girlfriend. the previous time it was someone that i had liked but never had a relationship with. and the fact that i had a girlfriend only worsened the pain in my heart. becuase the last time i never got to telling that girl that i loved her. but i came to realize that even though i had told my girl that i loved her a hundred times, it didn't lessen the blow of losing her. like remembering i'd told her i loved her one day the week before or even the minute before she died, would have made me feel less alone, less horrible, like it was okay that she passed. but it wasn't okay. and i wasn't okay. i cursed myself. and i cursed everyone else. why hadn't i done anything to save her? doctor after doctor said there was nothing i could have done, but i could have done something, anything. and that continues to eat me up inside. even now. i remember the moments before she died like they happened yesterday. the day before she had called and told me that she was going to the hospital for a check-up. i wasn't surprised. it seemed pretty routine and even though i knew she had some health problems, i didn't think anything of it. if only i had taken it more seriously. but the next day, i got a phone call from her mom. i immediately knew something was wrong because i'd never even spoken to her mother before. her mom told me that my girl was dying, so much so, that they didn't expect her to last through the night and that she had asked for me to be there with her. i can't even describe the feelings that overwhelmed me at that moment. but i remember i eked out an "i'll be there" and hung up the phone. the minutes between that and me finally getting to see her are a total blur. shock has wiped away my memory of this period of time. but i recall that she was sleeping when i arrived. i quickly introduced myself to all her relatives, wishing that it could have been from more pleasant circumstances when she opened her eyes and smiled at me. she quietly asked all of the other people in the room to leave so that we could have a moment alone. and while the room was clearing, i made my way to her bed where she was waiting for me with her hand reaching for mine. i grabbed her hand, kissed her forehead and told her she couldn't leave me because i loved her. and that i couldn't be alone again. but she looked at me with those eyes and told me i would okay without her. our love would survive, even through death, and that she would be waiting for me. and we cried. and we prayed. and then we kissed one last time and she faded away, leaving me alone to cry some more. remembering her last words made her funeral even more difficult for me. why had we even crossed paths if our future together was to be so short? why had god even brought us together? then i almost did it. i almost cursed god for the cruel tragedy i was going through. but i knew she wouldn't have wanted that. i knew she wouldn't have wanted me to be sad. i knew what she would have wanted but her death had crushed me. destroyed my world. but i take solace in my memories of her eyes. symbols of innocnece lost prematurely. innocence lost senselessly. i miss her so much. i love her so much."

4-12-00