Re-Writes..."Common Sense"

"these are the times that try men's souls." - thomas paine

"i look at her and my heart yearns for her, and for us and what we could have together. and what we could become. but right now, all we have is our friendship, a bond, a closeness that others wish for but can only dream of. and all i have is this pain from my longing to have more with her. still, i keep my desires for her hidden beneath a fraudulent smile. because it only serves no other purpose than to mask this hurt i have inside. this internal conflict between my heart and my mind. but when i see her smile and know that she is happy, i realize that the thing i want the most is for her to be happy. and that if my being miserable just happened to be an aftereffect of her own happiness, then i could live with that. since i knew that she was happy. and that i could be satisfied just being friends. because i need her in my life, regardless of our exact relationship. in spite of my feelings. still, when we're together, i think to myself, 'ask her if she really is happy or if she is putting on a front like i am.' just to make sure my having a broken heart isn't in vain. but i never do. because i rather it be like this than ruin the connection that we have by just walking away from our friendship and stepping back into the shadows. so these are the times that try my soul. because my heart is saying one thing, but my mind is saying another. and though emotion has never dictated my life, i can say i've felt content before. and my heart is telling me that being with her would finally bring ease to my existence. and i think i'm ready to be happy. but right now i don't see how."

7-22-00