Re-Writes..."The Real Brian Wilson"

"will the real brian wilson please stand up? a certain thing has occurred in my life that has forced me to think about what i should do. and in a time when circumstances have caused me to question what kind of person i am. i've begun to wonder what the appropriate action i should take is and if i have the makeup of someone who could handle this situation with the delicate attention it deserves and still hold on to my own sanity. though right now, i'm failing in my attempts to do that. because this dilemma is part of an ongoing saga that is driving me crazy. and my part in the resolution of my problem isn't as simple as it sounds. it involves feelings and emotions, things i'm not used to including in the process of making my decisions. but here's the situation. a boy and a girl commit to each other. life is good. for two months. then the girl tells the boy that she's confused about their relationship because she still has feelings for her ex-boyfriend and breaks up with the boy. she says she needs to be alone for a while. the boy is stunned. the news comes out of nowhere and he is totally unprepared. but as consolation, she tells the boy he can still be her friend and they can still go out together. he can be there for her. and comfort her when she was down. and share in her good times. and maybe, eventually she would realize what she had in him and come back to him. or maybe she wouldn't. now what would you do? the boy thinks about this. and thinks. and writes.

this situation that i'm in is very confusing. maybe if i had had a million relationships in the past, i probably wouldn't even care. it would be like, "whatever". but i haven't. up until now, social interaction with females had been nonexistent. only with this girl did i feel comfortable enough to be with. to contemplate a future with. to love. and i still love this girl. but what about what i want. i mean, i understand what she's saying and i respect her for being honest with me about her feelings. but right now, i don't want to be alone. and suddenly i am. regardless of her personal problems that isn't fair to me. especially the way it came off. after two months instead of before we even began to talk. that's just wrong. what about what i want? i need someone to be there for me. someone to talk to. someone that's more than a friend. just because i've come to a time when i need to be close to someone. because without it, every day feels like pieces of me are dying. that's what i need but obviously my feelings weren't part of the decision-making process.

so what kind of person am i? am i someone who would respect someone else's feelings and requests despite of his own personal desires? or am i the person who's all about what they want they want and will do anything to get it, even though it may be against someone else's wishes? i don't know yet. i haven't decided."

6-16-00