Re-Writes..."A Chance"

"i just can't figure it out. so i try to justify it as him having something i don't, some trait that i lack, that you want in a man. so sometimes i sit and think, any possible area he may have on me. maybe it's that he looks better than me or maybe he's smarter than me. or maybe he's sensitive to a woman's needs than i am. then it comes to me. it's his abs. he has a flatter stomach than i do. but i really don't know that, i've never seen him. so, it seems that i could ask any kind of reason comparing me with this other guy and not come up with the one he has you and i don't.

i'm not sure why i even compare us. we're obviously two completely different people. but the fact that we share a common desire brings the need for comparisons. simply because human nature makes each of us wonder what qualities some people have that others don't, especially when it comes to finding love.

so maybe i'm just selfish. because i tend to look at my position in this situation and others like it, as me losing, even though i know it's not a game. there aren't supposed to be winners and losers. but i seem to be losing to the other guy. but it's not just that i'm losing to this guy. if i knew this guy was better for you than i was, then maybe i could just be happy for you. but i don't think that and i don't think i ever will. and i know from the stories you've told me about your experiences with him that he isn't the one for you. he's an abusive, insensitive, jealous person. no, person is too kind. fact is, he's an asshole. period. so the fact that you make excuses for him and continue to stay with him, makes me wonder how selfish i really am. because it makes me feel like even though he's an asshole, he's still good enough to have you and i'm not. and that i'm not even going to get a chance to show you i can love you right. and coming to that realization makes me feel bad. because when you know an asshole has the woman you want and she still wants him, even though he's an asshole, there's not much chance of getting her to want you. and her not wanting you is worse than losing to an asshole."

8-15-00