"i thought i'd offer a little insight into who i am...or at least who i was...through an old myspace survey.
August 30, 2012
August 26, 2012
Finally Finished..."One In The Temple"
“hell is empty and all the devils are here.” - william shakespeare
“the day i held a gun pressed against my head and contemplated using it to turn the wall behind me into a “jackson pollock” painting, was the day i realized that not even death would alleviate the suffering and that had haunted me in life. the truth is, i’d always deemed hell an inevitability for me; though i never believed i’d ever done anything sinister enough to think that the nameplate for the mailbox to my eventual residence there had already been etched in stone…or steel…or whatever material the devil’s minions were crafting hell’s street signs out of. in my head i imagined them hammering out ones with some sort of polycarbonate sheeting rather than the aluminum kind i had been accustomed to. umm, anyway…i wasn’t a bad person; fact is, there were people way more deserving of a fiery fate than i, and that’s not my biased opinion. i mean if i were basing my “goodness” on the do’s and don’ts of the “ten commandments”, i knew i wouldn’t have set the curve in class but i think i’d receive a passing mark. probably around sixty percent because the first few aren’t as clear as others. i'd get a “d-”, but at least i wouldn’t be repeating the same grade.
no, i wasn’t a bad person. it’s just things that tended to turn to shit around me; or because of me; i didn’t know. maybe it was because i had been prone to making poor decisions, or because i was always placing myself in even worse situations; all i could be sure of was that everything in my life was falling apart at once. and with so many questions overwhelming me, i was at the point where the muzzle of a gun in contact with the side of my skull seemed the answer to all of them. i remember the tears running down my face, as i thought of everyone i’d leave behind if i went through with it. people who’d professed their love for me yet hadn’t loved me enough to prevent the position i was in. but i couldn’t be mad at them; hell, i hadn’t loved myself enough to prevent it either. and i recall how they continued to stream, even as i realized i wasn’t crying for those people. the tears i shed weren’t for what the loss of the relationship we’d shared would mean to individuals who’d claimed to be close to me. no, i was crying because i’d realized the truth was nothing mattered to me: not people’s feelings or their opinions; not even them. i cared about nothing…while everyone else cared about themselves. and there’s an eternal torment in knowing you suffered, having given to others what they wouldn’t return to you.
“hell is other people” - jean-paul sartre
but like i said, my death wouldn’t have caused this pain to cease; no bullet was going to change that. i was already in hell and anything coming to me after i passed would just be a continuation of the existence i was living. and with the certainty of that realized, i switched the safety back on and placed the gun down on a counter in front of me. there'd be no new artwork that day.”
sometime around the beginning of '12. just finished today. i think.
August 24, 2012
Re-Writes..."I'll Accept Being Understood"
i needed to see this as a full piece.
“i'm not trying to be accepted for who i am anymore; right now i'm more focused on being understood for what i am.” – me
“it took me a long time to change my thinking on the way i felt about how people receive me; probably too long to be totally honest. but i did; and i think it was because i finally got tired of feeling like i was being tolerated by others, like i was somebody they put up with…until they eventually came to the realization that i wasn’t going to change who i was and were forced to submit to acceptance. ‘cause apparently i’ve “triangle choked” a lot of those i’ve had relationships with in my day; and i possess a repertoire of various “armbars” and “leg locks” waiting for anyone who’s willing to spend enough time with me.
but maybe it wasn’t the feeling someone had to stomach me that caused the shift in my opinion. maybe it was the fact that people actually had the audacity to tell me, repeatedly i might add, they had “tapped out” to their acquiescence of who i was. ‘cause nothing says “i love you for you” like hearing something to the effect of “i can’t change you so i’ll just try not to let any of your quirks bother me too much” over and over.
her: “brian, i…i don’t get you; but you are who you are and i can live with that.”
me: “umm…ok.”
now i see in using diplomacy then, i’d responded improperly. and that if i had used a suitable comeback when she’d said what she did, the exchange of dialogue between us probably would have been…
her: “brian, i…i don’t get you; but you are who you are and i can live with that.”
me: “umm…fuck you.”
haha! i’m laughing, but only because i can see myself delivering both lines in the same manner: in a deadpan tone without raising my voice or losing my calm. and i think it’s funny she would’ve gotten identical reactions from me; despite the huge difference in what was said. but i digress…i realize now that the latter response seems much more appropriate, considering my current mindset; especially since i don’t remember ever asking for anyone’s permission to be myself, much less begging for anyone’s approval of me. i am who i am; you either like me or you don’t, but “acceptance” is no longer an option.
i’ll only accept being understood these days and blah blah, more blah…what the fuck am i doing? no seriously, what am i doing with this piece? ‘cause from reading the first part of this again, i’ve deduced that apparently i have just been going off on a tangent about how i’ve been treated by people in the past and that wasn’t my intention at all. well, you know, laying the foundation for the crux of an thought i had was, but not in coming off like a whiny bitch in the preparation of the groundwork on that thought. this isn’t about me; see the idea behind this rant, er, piece is me trying to discover what happens after you’ve determined that you’ve found someone who also believes personal relationships are sustained, not by the tolerance of another’s flaws, but through one’s appreciation of them? what happens if you’ve come across a person in your life who’s never claimed to have accepted you for what you are…because you know they’ve never desired to “accept” you for what are? what do you do when you’ve known from your first encounter with someone that they truly “got” you; and from your first conversation you’ve felt they had a genuine understanding of who you really are? i don’t know, maybe i should talk to someone who has experienced this.
and let’s say i did find someone i could ask in an effort to gain a few answers to my questions. let’s say i, hypothetically, found a woman who holds a man in such a regard; that she believes him to be that “someone” my previous inquires have alluded to. hell, let’s even pretend in this supposed scenario, that the “someone” this woman has placed in such high esteem is a man a lot like me; i mean, a lot like me. and when asked to describe the connection she possessed with that man, she used the following statements the same way she had when she’d been talking to that man…
“you're the only person that's understood me completely.”
and…
“you are the only one that will ever understand me completely.”
reiterating what she had said earlier; this time with emphasis on the word “only”…
i imagine that i would probably thank her for her candor; but walk away with the feeling our discussion hadn’t produced any new answers to the questions i’d come to her with.
so i’m left to ponder this…especially because i know i wasn’t referring to myself in the first paragraph of this part. if that person and i are both looking for the same thing in life: a connection based on understanding and not acceptance; and she’d said similar things the fictitious woman had said to me and meant every word when she said them, why the fuck are “we”, or what "we" could be, merely a thought of a little less than 900 words?”
8-7-12
August 23, 2012
Presents..."One Good Woman" by Peter Cetera
"one of my favorite songs as a kid, though i never could make out the chorus. thus, i never knew the title. funny that i happened to be shuffling through my plethora of mp3's and recognized it immediately. i think i've listened to it about 30 times since the first time it played yesterday. powerful, powerful stuff."
"i am so in love with you
i just can't deny it
everybody knows i can't deny it
everybody knows
you can read me like a book
just like a fortune teller
everybody needs a fortune tller
telling you the very truth
you bring me feelin'
you bring me fire
you give me love that's taking me higher
just goes to prove
what one good woman can do
you bring out the best in me
with love and understanding
anytime i need some understanding
you are always there
and if i ever lose my way
you're always there to guide me
anyone can see you're here inside me
anyone can see it
you bring me feelin'
you bring me fire
you give me love that's taking me higher
just goes to prove
what one good woman can do
you fill me with hope
love and devotion
you taught me how to show my emotion
just goes to prove
what one good woman can do
this is our time, we have it all
we have a way of knowing if we're heading for a fall
we'll work it out and get it right
and when i get home to you
you're such a sight for my poor eyes
this is our time, we have it all
when i come home at night
you're such a sight for my poor eyes
you bring me feelin'
you bring me fire
you give me love that's taking me higher
just goes to prove
what one good woman can do
you fill me with hope
love and devotion
you taught me how to show my emotion
just goes to prove
what one good woman can do
you bring me feelin'
you bring me fire
you give me love that's taking me higher
just goes to prove
what one good woman can do
you fill me with hope
love and devotion
you taught me how to show my emotion
just goes to prove
what one good woman can do"
Finally Finished..."Despair"
“my money’s gone, so far past broke…
contemplating the words i've spoke…
worried about these troubling times,
problems have destroyed greater minds…
my town is small, my world is black…
holding on? but it’s strength i lack,
and courage too. i don’t have much;
heroic qualities and such…
i walk these streets in despair…
october winds have chilled the air…
my path, lighted by the cars…
and yet, uncertain, like the stars…
but still, i press on through the night…
i walk alone, no one’s in sight;
i walk alone, a single man…
trying to formulate a plan…"
sometime in '00 or '01, was writing on loose sheets of paper and wasn't dating them. just finished today.
August 15, 2012
Re-Writes..."Past Sentiment"
“i sit here and i ask myself what i could possibly give you or do for you that even remotely express the feelings i have for you; something of myself i could share with you that would explain what you mean to me. but i can’t. i sit at this table and stare at a blank sheet of paper in front of me. there are no romantic ideas that i have or thoughtful gifts that i can give; no beautiful poems to recite, no pretty songs to sing. my words seem lacking; my actions too. nothing seems adequate, i feel too much. i’m overwhelmed with emotions that are difficult to convey. so i continue to sit, just me, my pen and a clean piece of paper. a single clean sheet of paper. sitting here thinking of you as i stare at the paper, i see your face. i see your smile and i hear your laugh. memories of our experiences together flood my mind and i’m happy. i have to let you know the joy you bring to my life. but i don’t have the words. i can’t truly express myself in a way deserving of you. then i remember things you have said to me: heartfelt, loving things that have touched my soul. and i realize how i tell you isn’t as important as actually letting you know. so i write this… you always ask me why i stare at you and don’t say anything; you want to know what i’m thinking in those moments. first, let me apologize. i really don’t mean to stare; it’s just that “us” seemed so unlikely that you and i coupled is still kind of a shock to me. i look at you to make sure you being next to me is really true; that we actually are together and have feelings for one another and want a future with each other. i look at you because when i do i see all those things. and when our eyes meet i feel you see what i see. i feel it with everything that i am, everything that i will be. you told me before that you wanted to spend your life with me. you said it wasn’t wrong to say it because it was how you felt despite it being kind of fast. so why would it be wrong for me to do the same. you say you want someone to love you for you and all that entails? i love you! i love you because you are you! no pretense, i love you. you have the biggest heart of anyone i’ve ever met; your compassion for people knows no limits and i love that about you. i think about you and us all the time. when i’m not with you i feel like i’m missing a piece of myself. i long to be with you when we’re apart and i wish time stood still when we’re together. my life has been blessed because of your presence in it. i’m better just by knowing you. never forget that i need you, or that i want you. always. but maybe it is too soon to say it, maybe i should’ve held what i feel inside. and i’m sorry if i made the wrong decision, but i can’t keep my feelings to myself. you deserve to know it even if i don’t have the words. maybe this will do. maybe this clumsy attempt at expressing myself is sufficient to let you know what i feel for you. maybe saying i love you is enough. even if it is too fast, it’s what i feel.”
sometime in the past, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in the past, i don't remember the exact date.
August 9, 2012
Writes..."The Letter"
“to write a good love letter, you ought to begin without knowing what you mean to say, and to finish without knowing what you have written." - jean-jacques rousseau
““her heart dropped when she saw the number come up on her cell phone screen. she recognized it immediately; it was a number i’d used to reach her in the past when i had been desperate to hear her voice. but having received a text from me only a couple of weeks earlier that included the words “save this number”, and seeing that that number wasn’t the one calling her now, she knew that despite my name being displayed, in all likelihood i wasn’t on the other end of the line. the phone once, then twice, and was about to ring a third time before she answered it. “b?”, she said softly, almost afraid from not knowing what to expect. “hello”, a female replied, “is this (insert name here)?” “yes, this is her”; and though their interaction had been limited in the past, it took very little effort to identify the voice she was hearing as my mom’s. “(insert name here), um, forgive me for skipping any pleasantries but…well, brian made me swear i’d call you in anything bad ever happened to him…and well, it’s not good”. and with those words she paused; only for a moment, but for in moment there was silence on both ends. neither one of them knew what to say, and all (insert name here) could do was flashback to the conversation where she and i had actually had made that commitment to one another. one day, during a phone call, i made the comment that if something happened to her i wouldn’t even know about it; that the only news i would ever get on her would have to come from her own mouth. especially after the way our relationship as a couple ended, well, faded into nonexistence; i knew that nobody around her thought highly enough of me to inform me if she ever got sick or injured, or worse. despite the close bond that we’d developed over the years since our courtship concluded; the truth is we’d only dated for a few months and i seriously doubted that the time we had been together had been deemed significant by anyone other than us. in spite of there being an “us” for only a brief period of time, even while we were together, we both would’ve adamantly professed the connection between us to have been the most intimate either of us had ever experienced. but that was a secret that for years only we shared; thus, it wasn’t very hard to imagine myself an afterthought in the minds of the people she held dear; a chapter from her life considered like many others: unimportant, and definitely one of the more forgettable parts of the book.
me: “if something ever happens to you, how will i know? we don’t live in the same city anymore, so it’s not like i can just swing by your house in order to check on you. and we don’t really have any mutual friends; so who would give me that kind of news? i’ll need to know if…well, i don’t want to assume that something bad has occurred due to not haven’t heard anything from you in months.”
her: “i understand brian. believe me, if something ever happens to me you’ll definitely be one of the first to know about it.”
me: “so who’s gonna let me know? your mom? does she even remember me?”
her: “yeah, to her you’re the guy i dated that was always wearing black. hahaha. but seriously, i’ll have someone call you; even if it’s (her oldest daughter). in fact, i’ll just have (her oldest daughter) do it.”
me: “promise me that and i’ll promise you the same.”
her: “i promise you brian. and you better.”
me: “you know i will.”
her mind was still focused on that exchange when my mother started speaking again. “he’s gone (insert name here); brian passed away in his sleep this morning.” and there was another moment of silence; this one seemingly lasting a little longer than the previous one. she wanted to say something; anything; but the shock of what she had just heard had left her paralyzed. but even if she could’ve forced herself to mouth a few words, she knew there weren’t any she could extend that would bring peace to either of them. i was dead; and nothing spoken would change that. so, after a few more moments where neither of them said anything, she managed to compose herself long enough to offer her deepest sympathies, along with her thoughts and prayers; pledging any support needed by my family in their time of grief. my mother accepted her condolences, thanking her one final time before hanging up; leaving her to contemplate what she had just been told. i was gone; the relationship we shared was done; and with both of them having become her reality, all she could do was reflect on our history…while wiping away tears formed from the memories of we’d once been.
the second time my mother’s phone number appeared on the screen of her “i-phone” came exactly a week after my body had been placed in the ground, yet it produced the same reaction in her the first one did. i mean, the last time she’d talked to my mom the conversation hadn’t actually inspired much confidence in her and she had very little reason, well, no reason, to believe another one would’ve gone any differently. “hello”, she answered; hesitantly, almost afraid of the exchange that was coming. “hello (insert name here). i’m sorry to bother you; i know you’re probably very busy but there’s something i feel you need to know. well, while we, (my sister) and i, were going through brian’s stuff, we opened the safe where he kept his important documents locked away and found a letter that he’d written but hadn’t mailed addressed to you. so i figured i’d give you a call in order to see if it might be something you wish to have in your possession.” a moment of silence… “(insert name here), you still there?” there were tears falling from her eyes and running down her cheeks; and she realized it had become difficult to speak. but she managed to force herself into a “yes ma’am”; and more importantly, “i want it”.
she wasn’t surprised that i had left behind a letter for her; nor was she shocked in thinking such a letter might have consisted of my spilled guts in expressing the feelings i had for her. nobody knew me better than she did and she knew nobody was better than me when it came to the commitment of meaningful words.
a couple of days later, a thick envelope arrived at her home; and when she collected the mail, she recognized the handwriting on it immediately. she’d used to say that i had beautiful penmanship, but at that moment she was smearing my script with her tears. the initial ones were wiped away with a shirt sleeve but when more continued to fall from her face, she thought to herself, “i’m crying and i haven’t even opened the envelope yet. this isn’t going to be good.” she wanted to open it right there standing beside her mailbox but she was hesitant; this letter was the final link between us in life and she knew it represented a closure that we’d never, ever imagined for our relationship. i mean, ten days after we first met, we were using the term “always” to describe the bond between us; but we’d never asked ourselves how long our “always” would last. and if the ending of our “always” had been realized, evidenced by the letter i’d written her, then she was going to need a sufficient amount of time to absorb every word penned in it. no, standing at her mailbox wouldn't do at all; it couldn't provide the proper environment for an act of this magnitude. she would be reading the final words addressed to her, from the person she had held the deepest connection to in life. she needed a private place; where she could cry, or yell, or curse; do whatever she felt appropriate. but mostly, she required solitude for the breakdown she knew was coming while she went through it; her thinking being you can't go through a letter like this and not breakdown at some point.
once inside, she went into her bedroom and plopped down on her bed. then she opened the envelope and began to read the first page.
“dear (insert nickname here),
i always figure i will send this letter to you one day, probably the day i can convince myself that you’ll be equally receptive to what i’ve already come to realize as truth: that every day we’re not together is another day that we’ve wasted by being apart. there, i said it. if you’ve ever wondered how i feel about a reconciliation, i think i just summed my feelings up on our relationship in a way i never have in anything previously written or said…‘cause there simply isn’t any other way to put it. we both know the reality of life is you only get so much of it before it’s gone, yet neither one of us seems to appreciate just how much we’re squandering ours. i remember you saying that we have to live our lives as they are until the day the moon and the planets align perfectly and we find ourselves together again; but i wonder, not if we could do more to set those celestial bodies on that course, but why we haven’t done more to carry out their synchronization? i know there had been a time in the past where we’d both tried to figure out things for ourselves; having been in situations that required a measure of division between us. and i recall you writing “i’m not saying that it will be always be like this but unfortunately for right now it is what it is”; and while we each had showed consideration for the other’s own circumstances, there’s never been a time i’ve felt anything that might, has threatened what we could be at a time we both get what we truly want. and from what i’ve read, through your own words, it isn’t hard for me to accept that you feel the same way. we’ve always said what we have is transcendent and i still believe that.
do you remember when i wrote this: "when we were together i told her i loved her all the time. now, we're not together and i still tell her i love her. sure, much time has passed and the distance separating she and i has increased; but nothing's changed between us. what i feel for her hasn't changed; and what i want from her hasn't changed. she once asked how do you tell the person that you've always loved you still have love in your heart for them and i’ll answer that question with a question. why was i surprised that she does? i do. we'll never lose what we had because we'll never lose what we have. what we have is transcendent; always and forever. but mostly, what we have is ours."? do you remember when i used those words to show you my heart? ‘cause i do; and nothing said then rings any less true now. but i won’t employ a past thought to help define a future “us”. you know how i feel about you; surely you don’t need to look back over aged notes that i’ve already sent you to determine what you mean to me. nah, i don’t think that you would need to; not when you take in account what we are to one another.
so i write you this letter: my awkward, yet humble attempt at the disclosure of what i’m presently thinking. i love you…and i’m pretty, fairly sure; well i have it on good authority, that you love me. hahaha, i know, i know; you tell me. “more than i know” in fact. and that’s a phrase not easily dismissed because frankly, your “more than you know” has meant even more to me than the preceding three have. there’s something extraordinary in telling someone you love them, and then adding “more than you know”, that means to signify even though you’ve already used the most effective words that people have in expressing strong sentiment for another person, even “i love you” lacks the ability to convey exactly what you feel for them. and though you know you could exhaust every other term for affection known to man to try to perfectly communicate your heart, you realize how futile the effort would be and that it would be best to simply submit to “more than you know”. ‘cause you’ll never be able to verbally explain the feelings you hold for them successfully; and the reality is even if your words somehow penetrated through to someone’s heart, the person they were directed at still wouldn’t understand fully their true meaning. believe me, i know. i started the “more than you know’s” between us and you still don’t really know how i feel about you.
thus, i have to conclude that not really comprehending what the other holds in their heart is the reason that we are fucking around; letting our own individual bullshit continue to keep us apart; both of us seemingly content to let precious time pass. but the truth is, despite what my actions or inaction may indicate, i find no pleasure in knowing that we’re not just losing time we could be spending together; we’re wasting time we’ll never be able to get back. no enjoyment, and definitely, no happiness. let me ask you this question… “are you happy?” i know i’ve asked you this many times before, probably to the point of annoyance, but experience has taught me that nothing in life is as important as the discovery of someone or something that truly brings you joy; especially when that someone or something has to do with being loved or loved back. it’s funny, in writing that i remembered reading a quote that expanded on my thinking: “we search all our lives to find someone to love and the true extreme thing is that person actually loves you back. it’s the most genuine feeling ever.” you’re right, er, sorry i stole one of your lines. hahaha. well, i spent my entire life searching for you. i love you and you love me back. and the truth is i don’t want to squander another moment of my life not being with you.
i hope you receive this letter while we both can do something about being together again.
- brian
remember we’re not just “always”, we’re “forever” too.”
and with the final words read, she carefully placed the letter on a nightstand before burying her face into a pillow she would saturate with tears. everything she’d pored over had touched her heart, but she just couldn’t get the last line out of her head: “i hope you receive this letter while we both can do something about being together again.” her mind raced as the questions began to take form. “why didn’t he ever send me this? he knew how i felt about him. he knew what i wanted. why hadn’t he…”, when suddenly she stopped herself. she could speculate or assume any number of possibilities as solutions for her inquiries but she realized she would only be rewarded with speculation and assumptions; and the only person she could go to for the answers to her questions was no longer around to give them. i was dead and the opportunity for any discussion on the subject had passed when i did. i had left her in life…with a letter.”
except there’ll be no letter to find expressing any heartfelt sentiment i had for her when i die; as i sit here writing this now, i ponder what the purpose would be of that. well, not really pondering, because my thoughts on this are biased and i can’t even force myself to develop an argument for the act of a penned note. i mean, i just don’t get it; there certainly can’t any satisfaction to be had in having someone discover, through hidden correspondence, you were holding on to loving thoughts that you never conveyed to them before you passed. so i won’t do that. i can’t. when i die, there won’t be any guessing about how i felt for the woman that i loved in life; especially not by the woman that i loved in life. when i die, she’ll know my heart…presumably better than i had.”
Re-Writes..."Apathy"
“every girl in my life is pissing me off. every girl i’m interested in; or may be interested in. notice i said every girl; that was no mistake. i realize it sort of gives people the idea that i have a lot of females on my mind and in my heart. but it’s because i do have a number of females, both on my mind an in my heart. i know that and have accepted it as my reality. but i’ve also realized that i am not to blame for this shortcoming; they are. every girl i have an interest in; every one i’ve tried to be with. they are the ones to blame for me and the image i may have. it’s all their fault. because all i ask of any of them is a commitment. a commitment; some kind of promise to something more with me. nothing else. i’ve never asked any of them for anything other than connection. and yet no one will give me the satisfaction; no one will commit to an “us”. so i take these rejections to heart. and question why even continue to try? when the words you use to describe the feelings you have for someone are met with nonchalance? when the actions you take, even the smallest of gestures, are greeted with an apathy that sickens your very soul. my nature isn’t equipped to handle the sacrilegious attitudes that i am forced to deal with. and it seems that all their beliefs are contrary to my own.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
August 8, 2012
Re-Writes..."Jack And Jill"
“jack and jill…he had entertained the thought many times, so much so that the idea of him actually being involved with her consumed him. to take the friendship they had forged over the years to another level. to establish a more intimate connection between them. but mostly, the idea that he could finally make her his own. that he no longer would have to compete with others for her affection; that greatly appealed to him.
but he knew such thoughts were unfounded; they’d had the “talk” many times before. “i love you jack”, she said, “but we’re at two different places in our lives and i need more right now. i have obligations in my life that require resources that you can’t provide me with; situations that you can’t help in. i really do love you. i love being with you and the way you make me feel. your actions have shown me that you’re everything i’ve ever desired in a man: nurturing, encouraging, selfless…and my heart is telling me to be with you. but i can’t. my mind knows that if anything ever happened you wouldn’t be able to take care of us. sometimes emergencies arise, expenses mount, and must be dealt with immediately; and right now, you couldn’t assist me, so i can’t be with you.”
and so he had been left to ponder the situation they were in, or at least, he was in. because to him, it seemed like he was the only one who cared about them as a couple. she had made it abundantly clear that the problem lie with him; that he knew the reason why she wouldn’t commit to him and that he held the keys to the development of any change to their relationship in the future. but he knew this was bullshit. there were many problems between them and she was the root of most of them. a lack of money was his problem but her indecisiveness was hers. it was the reason he questioned his feelings for her. at first, he had never doubted the way he felt about her, or about them, but her wishy-washy demeanor towards him and their situation had changed his outlook on them. he had started as a man who liked, and grown into one that loved her. but now he had qualms about that love…”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
but he knew such thoughts were unfounded; they’d had the “talk” many times before. “i love you jack”, she said, “but we’re at two different places in our lives and i need more right now. i have obligations in my life that require resources that you can’t provide me with; situations that you can’t help in. i really do love you. i love being with you and the way you make me feel. your actions have shown me that you’re everything i’ve ever desired in a man: nurturing, encouraging, selfless…and my heart is telling me to be with you. but i can’t. my mind knows that if anything ever happened you wouldn’t be able to take care of us. sometimes emergencies arise, expenses mount, and must be dealt with immediately; and right now, you couldn’t assist me, so i can’t be with you.”
and so he had been left to ponder the situation they were in, or at least, he was in. because to him, it seemed like he was the only one who cared about them as a couple. she had made it abundantly clear that the problem lie with him; that he knew the reason why she wouldn’t commit to him and that he held the keys to the development of any change to their relationship in the future. but he knew this was bullshit. there were many problems between them and she was the root of most of them. a lack of money was his problem but her indecisiveness was hers. it was the reason he questioned his feelings for her. at first, he had never doubted the way he felt about her, or about them, but her wishy-washy demeanor towards him and their situation had changed his outlook on them. he had started as a man who liked, and grown into one that loved her. but now he had qualms about that love…”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
August 7, 2012
Writes..."I'll Accept Being Understood Pt. 2"
"i’ll only accept being understood these days and blah blah, more blah…what the fuck am i doing? no seriously, what am i doing with this piece? ‘cause from reading the first part of this again, i’ve deduced that apparently i have just been going off on a tangent about how i’ve been treated by people in the past and that wasn’t my intention at all. well, you know, laying the foundation for the crux of an thought i had was, but not in coming off like a whiny bitch in the preparation of the groundwork on that thought. this isn’t about me; see the idea behind this rant, er, piece is me trying to discover what happens after you’ve determined that you’ve found someone who also believes personal relationships are sustained, not by the tolerance of another’s flaws, but through one’s appreciation of them? what happens if you’ve come across a person in your life who’s never claimed to have accepted you for what you are…because you know they’ve never desired to “accept” you for what are? what do you do when you’ve known from your first encounter with someone that they truly “got” you; and from your first conversation you’ve felt they had a genuine understanding of who you really are? i don’t know, maybe i should talk to someone who has experienced this.
and let’s say i did find someone i could ask in an effort to gain a few answers to my questions. let’s say i, hypothetically, found a woman who holds a man in such a regard; that she believes him to be that “someone” my previous inquires have alluded to. hell, let’s even pretend in this supposed scenario, that the “someone” this woman has placed in such high esteem is a man a lot like me; i mean, a lot like me. and when asked to describe the connection she possessed with that man, she used the following statements the same way she had when she’d been talking to that man…
“you're the only person that's understood me completely.”
and…
“you are the only one that will ever understand me completely.”
reiterating what she had said earlier; this time with emphasis on the word “only”…
i imagine that i would probably thank her for her candor; but walk away with the feeling our discussion hadn’t produced any new answers to the questions i’d come to her with.
so i’m left to ponder this…especially because i know i wasn’t referring to myself in the first paragraph of this part. if that person and i are both looking for the same thing in life: a connection based on understanding and not acceptance; and she’d said similar things the fictitious woman had said to me and meant every word when she said them, why the fuck are “we”, or what "we" could be, merely a thought of a little less than 900 words?”
Presents..."E.I.B.B." by Jasmin Williams
"regretting the decision to keep my feelings for you inside, the burden of the unknown causes a rift in my reality and my fantasy. remembering how my heart felt when you came to me, crying inside that i can't see your smile, feel your skin, hear you laugh. suffering the loss of you is more than i want to handle, more than i was prepared to accept."
August 6, 2012
Re-Writes..."Trust Issue"
“i think about the problems i have with girls constantly. it haunts me like a veteran may have flashbacks of bloody battle scenes he’s seen in war. i wonder what my problem is. notice i said, “my problem”. i could blame girls. i could say they are scandalous, gold diggers, etc., but that wouldn’t include all of them, so i won’t. i say it’s my problem because i have major trust issues. i don’t trust anybody, not completely anyway. i don’t like to share my feelings or show my emotions because i don’t want people to know how i feel. when i tell somebody something, i don’t want to hear it circulating around. i don’t like it when people know my business, let alone want to get in it. if i’m messing around with some girl, i don’t want her talking about the things we do to all her friends. i don’t want people talking about me period. but i’ve learned that isn’t possible. as soon as you make yourself vulnerable and open up to someone, you can expect to hear your innermost feelings quoted by someone you didn’t even know existed. you might as well tell the newspaper or go on television. i know that’s why i’m an introvert. when the only person you trust is yourself, then you have to keep your feelings to yourself. maybe someday i will find someone that will be able to keep private things private. i look forward to that day, the day i will be able to express myself emotionally. shed a tear, break a glass, say “i love you”, with out gossip. i really do look forward to having my trust issues settled. maybe it can be soon.”
sometime in '99, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '99, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."Toy Story"
“i’m writing this down because it’s easier for me than actually saying it to you. i wonder what you think of me. or what you think of my desire for you. do you know how much i want you in my life? how much i want us to work? i only hope that you see how sincere i am. that i’m not playing any games. there shouldn’t be any games in relationships. and that i don’t say things i don’t mean. i think you know that i’d rather not say anything at all then lie about my feelings. so believe this. i only hope i can be everything you want in a man, everything you deserve. romantic, loving, nurturing. because i know that only the best is good enough for you. but i’m sure you’ve already realized that. do you think i’m that person? the perfect one for you? i hope you do. and i hope i am. because i want to be the first thing on your mind in the morning when you wake up. the last thing you think about before you go to sleep. the reason you can’t concentrate in school, why your mind wanders at home, what you dream about at night. then you’ll know how it feels. you’ll know how it feels to be me. to be totally taken by someone. totally captivated by them. that’s what you do to me. that’s how i feel about you.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."The Wrong Man"
“i saw something on television that made me pretty emotional. it’s weird, but only certain things make me respond like this. just situations that have something to do with romance. and only situations that i can see myself in. i was watching something the other day and i could see myself in the predicament. a man and a woman had known each other for years. they were born in the same small city and grew up in the same neighborhood. same schools, same friends, same everything. they practically lived the same life. and in this, they became best friends. sharing their secrets, the status of their love lives, their thoughts and wishes, their hopes and dreams. no one knew either of them better than they knew each other. they had tried dating each other once, but at that time it didn’t work out. so they continued to watch each other try to find love with other people, always failing, always finding others lacking something. that is, until the woman found someone and got her engaged. but even then, the fiancé was missing something, though he didn’t know it. he didn’t have her heart. it belonged to her best friend. and her best friend’s heart belonged to her. but both never admitted their feelings to themselves, let alone to each other. that is, until the night the woman was rushing off to her fiancé, with her best friend following after her in order to stop her. and that’s when it happened. the situation i could see myself in. in a hotel lobby, the man tried to convince the woman not to marry her fiancé. that she was marrying the wrong man. he told her he loved her. he proposed marriage. he asked her to give him one reason why she should marry her fiancé instead of him. and she couldn’t. he then told her that she couldn’t marry her fiancé instead of him. because he had loved her all their lives. that marrying her fiancé would be a mistake. and that she would be living the life they were supposed to have with somebody else. having the kids they were supposed to have with somebody else. growing old the way they were supposed to, together, with somebody else. he released all the feelings he had stored up over the years. and she responded. she asked him to propose to her again. and when he did, she said yes. this made me emotional because i could see myself doing that. the words, the setting, the situation, were all perfect. exactly the way i would have done it.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."The Romantically-Talented Mr. Wilson"
“i take pride in the fact that i’m all about effort. the effort i put into sustaining my romantic ways, which is what i think makes me unique from every other man. how i try to tend to every single detail, every little nuance, that goes into an encounter with that someone special. whether it’s a solitary candle burning on the edge of a drawn bath after a hard day at work or it’s a phone call just to say how much i care for them. i’m all about a moment. but not just a moment. the moment. that moment when the time, the setting, and the mood are all perfect. so in my opinion, i’m not very spontaneous. to others, a romantic gesture from me may seem totally unexpected and surprising. but every act of romance is meticulously thought out and executed. every word has been practiced and rehearsed over and over in my mind. every possible exchange of dialogue is considered and analyzed towards any responses to be given. so with all this forethought, am i really spontaneous? it’s not exactly spur-of-the-moment romance. but i don’t want any asinine planning or awkward conversation to ruin this moment. it’s all about the presentation. i strive to make every encounter perfect. which makes it hard for me when the moment passes without my desired result. without the emotion i’ve been waiting for. like it’s being taken for granted. i hate that. i hate the fact that after a while romantic gestures from me come to be expected. and dismissed because that’s my nature, it’s just the way i am. when a heartfelt symbol of love is met with apathy from someone important to you, being a romantic becomes bittersweet. and it makes you wonder why even do it? why put forth the effort to show someone you love them? why not just be like everyone else and not care so much? i guess it’s because it’s not in my nature. i can’t not be romantic. and i can’t not care so much. so it seems to me that’ll be my downfall in intimate relationships. i’ll care too much and the nonchalant attitude of my partner will just upset me. which will make me just want to be alone. but maybe i’m wrong.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."Something In The Way"
“your eyes. your smile. there’s something about the way you look at me. something the way you watch my movements, my expressions. i can’t explain it. but it’s magical. still, there’s one look in particular that captivates me every time i see it. you do it whenever i say something that you want to laugh at, but instead you turn away from me. as if trying to conceal your happiness. i often wonder why you hide so precious a gift from me? i love to see you smile. but that’s not the look. it actually occurs in those moments after you turn back around to face me. then, there it is. you look at me with those brown eyes and that beautiful smile and just for a second, i become flustered. but your face reassures me of my doubts and fears. i know this may sound funny but it’s like i can see love in your eyes. they sparkle with a luminous glow that rivals the sun and twinkle like the brightest stars at night. and i see affection in your smile. with a leer so perfect i recall it every time i’m down and in need of comfort. reviving the image in my dreams, my daily thoughts, my heart. i’m sure that if anyone actually knew what love looked like, they would describe that look. because there’s something in the way you look at me.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."My Greatest Sin"
“the church. the site of my greatest triumph and my greatest sin. a sin against man. a sin against myself. a sin so evil, so vicious, that my being forgiven has no chance of ever happening. and yet, my triumph and my sin are one and the same. how does a man achieve his greatest goal in life, but lose the only thing he’s ever wanted?
all i wanted in life was someone to love. and the church provided me with the opportunities to fulfill this goal. “you get yourself a good christian girl.” growing up in the church, i’ve heard this a million times before. but in doing this, in finding someone that i feel consumed by love for, have i alienated someone else that may have wanted to be with me. someone that may have been searching for the very things i was. and maybe they saw those things in me. qualities that appealed to them. potential they could have cultivated. something that they felt had drawn them to me. but they never told me. and i didn’t realize it. and i found another.
so am i wrong for trying to make myself happy? can a man’s own pursuits towards personal contentment have negative effects on someone who seemingly isn’t emotionally connected to him? not even indirectly. and should it really matter to me if that happens? after years of laying back and letting others get their own way, isn’t it time for me to finally go and get what i want? whatever it takes to make me happy. in the past, i was always looking out for other people’s interests, regardless of my own feelings. there have been many situations where i stood back and allowed others to take what i wanted. but now is my time. time for me to have what i used to let slip through my fingers, what i never made the effort before to get, what had eluded me until now.
so have i achieved my greatest goal in life? right now, it seems i have. i’ve found someone who i love more than any other. but have i ruined a friendship in the process? maybe. maybe things will never be the same between us. and maybe i should feel bad because i didn’t see the signs. or read between the lines of what someone was saying. yet, i owe it to myself to continue to strive to make my relationship as successful as i can. because it’s time for me to be happy. even if they aren’t.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
all i wanted in life was someone to love. and the church provided me with the opportunities to fulfill this goal. “you get yourself a good christian girl.” growing up in the church, i’ve heard this a million times before. but in doing this, in finding someone that i feel consumed by love for, have i alienated someone else that may have wanted to be with me. someone that may have been searching for the very things i was. and maybe they saw those things in me. qualities that appealed to them. potential they could have cultivated. something that they felt had drawn them to me. but they never told me. and i didn’t realize it. and i found another.
so am i wrong for trying to make myself happy? can a man’s own pursuits towards personal contentment have negative effects on someone who seemingly isn’t emotionally connected to him? not even indirectly. and should it really matter to me if that happens? after years of laying back and letting others get their own way, isn’t it time for me to finally go and get what i want? whatever it takes to make me happy. in the past, i was always looking out for other people’s interests, regardless of my own feelings. there have been many situations where i stood back and allowed others to take what i wanted. but now is my time. time for me to have what i used to let slip through my fingers, what i never made the effort before to get, what had eluded me until now.
so have i achieved my greatest goal in life? right now, it seems i have. i’ve found someone who i love more than any other. but have i ruined a friendship in the process? maybe. maybe things will never be the same between us. and maybe i should feel bad because i didn’t see the signs. or read between the lines of what someone was saying. yet, i owe it to myself to continue to strive to make my relationship as successful as i can. because it’s time for me to be happy. even if they aren’t.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."Lord Of Illusions Of Love And Romance"
“the romantic psyche i thought i had finally established for myself is being destroyed before my very eyes. or maybe i was only fooling myself. maybe it was only an illusion, some sort of mirage to mask the unknown feeling of love i had. for the second time in less than a week, someone told me that they couldn’t love me because they still had feelings for someone else. notice i said still. but it’s not like these people didn’t have feelings for me. i know they did and probably still do. and it’s not like i didn’t have relationships with either of them. one of them had been my girlfriend and the other one may have become. i don’t know. maybe the timing was just wrong with either of them. and not to place blame, but i am in the wrong for the timing not being good. man, if i thought my interaction with girls was lacking before, is this doing anything to make it better? getting your broken twice in one week isn’t exactly the thing to make one more confident in matters of love and romance. but i seem to be the lord of these illusions. so maybe one day i can create one that lasts.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."Lack Of Trust"
“i’m getting kind of sick of this lack of trust that everyone shows the young people at church, but especially me. and it’s not just people that you don’t know. strangers with an opinion. it’s everyone. everyone who thinks their opinion matters. i mean, why does everyone think that they can tell me what to do? i’m twenty years old. but it’s not just an age thing. it’s an “i’m not your kid”, “i’m not a child”, “i’m grown and i can do whatever i want” thing. i hate the fact that nobody trusts the youth. especially when it comes to the interaction between the boys and girls, no, the young men and women. it’s a respect issue. don’t tell me that i can’t be alone with my girlfriend in a locked room. it may not have seemed proper or the right thing to do, but i don’t have to explain to anyone what we were doing. i don’t have to let anyone know anything. would they have told two people in their thirties or forties that they couldn’t have been alone in a locked room? i doubt it. like i said, it’s about respect. do they think i would turn the mothers’ room into my own personal make-out spot? come on, i don’t need the church for that. respect me enough to know, at least to think, that i wouldn’t do that. or the time all the young women in the church went bowling with their older “big sisters”. the plan was for the women to go out to eat, then got to stonehedge to bowl. but they didn’t know that john and i had decided to crash their little party. we got two pizzas for dinner and made our way to the bowling alley. when we got there, the girls were already there. but all the lanes were in use so they had decided just to go home. now imagine this, john and i, in a car with two empty pizza boxes in the backseat, and all the women, in a van, rolling eight, ten, twelve deep. i mean, there were women overflowing out of the van. and we had an empty backseat. but when we offered to take some of the women home, the older “sisters” refused, saying they couldn’t allow that to happen. the parents of the young women put the lives of their children into their hands. so we couldn’t possibly take any of the young women home, us being two young men, the possibilities of trouble were endless. like the ride home was going to explode into a giant gospel orgy. i can see it now. me with some girl, and she’s humming some fred hammond song into my ear, while i’m kissing her neck. john with somebody else. respect us enough to know that we wouldn’t do that. but they don’t. and i’m getting tired of it. i can be with whoever i want. if i want to be alone with my girl, locked away together in some room, then i can. if i want to take a young woman home when she needs a ride, then i can. without the talking behind my back or the disappointing looks. it’s all about respect. show me some.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."I Don't Like You"
“it’s not that you said you didn’t like me. i never let the feelings that i may have had for you out in the open, so if you didn’t want to be with me, i would’ve just blamed myself. why hadn’t i just said something? but i would have been okay with it. there wouldn’t have been any other choice for me. time would have passed and eventually our friendship would have continued on, as if nothing had happened. like feelings weren’t hurt and emotions were ignored. it’s the fact that you stood in my face, looked me in the eyes, and told me you didn’t like me. when everyone knew that wasn’t true. our friends, your parents, everyone. you even knew. but you continue to masquerade around like i somehow hurt you because i chose to move on, while you cling to memories. pretending the thought of what may have been between us doesn’t cause you heartache. and that you don’t miss what we had. because in the past, we shared a special bond. but you’re letting a bad attitude ruin our present. and destroy the possibility of a future. you said you didn’t like me. you said not to believe the people who said otherwise. so i didn’t. and now you want to be like this. why would i ever have wanted to be with someone like that?”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."Giver"
“i’m a giver, i’ll admit it. i give and give, sacrificing, in order to make other people’s lives a little better. but i’m beginning to realize that a giver’s ass hurt. a whole lot. because being a giver is begging to get rimmed. it’s like saying, “here’s my ass, violate me. hurt my feelings, ignore my opinions, take, take, take. i’m bent over, spread wide, take some more.” but i’ve also realized i can’t be any other way. i’ll always be more inclined to make someone else happy before myself. even if my own wants are neglected, my own contentment compromised, in the process. i’ll always be a giver. so it seems my ass will always be getting plugged. by some girl i’ve foolishly tried to give my heart to, some girl that doesn’t share the same concepts of love that i do. because i believe in romance and sometimes my own naivety in this area clouds my vision, my decision-making, towards relationships. or lack of relationships. no, lack of me having a successful relationship. so my ass will continue to hurt. because i’ll continue to try and i’ll continue to care, so i’ll continue to give. despite the fact that giving hurts. literally.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."Give It Away"
“it’s not like i’m saying don’t have sex. because i’m not saying that. and i’m not saying i wouldn’t have sex right now if the opportunity presented itself to me. because im really not saying that. sex isn’t bad. sex is a wonderful experience shared between two people who love each other. or at least, that’s what i think. which is why i don’t understand the casualness people give their shit away with, especially when giving it away for the first time. people seem to be in such a hurry to fuck or get fucked. it’s like, “you like me, let’s fuck”. “i have a nice smile. thanks, let’s go have sex.” yeah, i know it’s pleasurable. okay, i know it feels good. but to give it away to just anybody, just to have done it, or the status of someone who is doing it, i don’t understand that. i could be like god or the bible says blah blah, and i believe it, but i don’t think that’s the reason i’m not having sex. notice i didn’t say i haven’t had sex, i said i’m not having sex. i believe i’m not having sex for two reasons. the first reason i think i’m not having sex is because i don’t think i’m responsible enough to handle it. if the girl i was having sex with became pregnant, right now i couldn’t take care of her, the baby, or me. and i’m not ready to be a father. or a husband. because when my girl or wife or whatever becomes pregnant, i want to be in the best position possible, in every aspect of life, to raise my child. but right now i’m not. and i’m not as willing as others to take that chance. the second reason i think i’m not having sex is the fact that i’m a romantic and still believe in finding that special someone to share the whole sexual experience with. with feelings of love involved and that spiritual connection between two people formed. not casual fucking. i mean, i could go out and fuck some girl. tell her she had a nice ass at 8:00, feed her some other lines around 9:00, and be in her most intimate of areas (shit) by 10:00. but i don’t want to just fuck some girl. because i don’t just want to make love to a woman. i want to share love with a woman. experience love with a woman. and how special is it when 200 other women can say they’ve each had what i want the one i finally find to love to know is ours and ours alone. so for now i abstain and save myself the trouble of 200 women telling me they’re carrying my baby and waiting for my child support check.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."Flight Of A Nova"
“you know it’s bad when you’re scared as soon as you hear the phrase, “you’re flying”. i think that maybe i wouldn’t have been afraid, as least not so much, if that airplane hadn’t just crashed last week or i hadn’t heard one crashed yesterday. in lexington. in kentucky. a state i just happen to be going though on my way home. and maybe i wouldn’t have been so scared if i didn’t tend to imagine the absolute worst thing that could happen, happening during my flight. but as soon as my mom said i was going to get to fly home, panic set in. immediately, thoughts of horrible death began to enter my mind. the sky was dark, the screams of frightened people filled the air, engines on fire, passengers getting sucked out of the airplane. fade to black. i won’t lie, during my flight, i tried to put up a brave front. but i was still on the stairs when everyone saw through my act. i was terrified. the window seat i was in provided me with a view of my mother standing in an airport window. i figured it was fitting for her to be the last one to see me alive since she was the one who got me on this death flight. and as we taxied onto the runway, my heart began to beat so hard i thought it was going to explode. it was getting harder to breathe and i didn’t think i was going to make it. thoughts of throwing myself through the window began to creep into my head. then the airplane started to rise into the air. getting out was going to be impossible now. i couldn’t calm down. i knew i was going to die. but to make a long story short, i spent the entire trip checking to see if my heart rate would go down. it never did. i looked out the window and glorious sights. sights only birds see. the majestic glory of the sky. but then fear crept back in and terror took over my body. i almost didn’t make it. but not because of a plane crash, i almost died of a heart attack.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."Extremes"
“i’m sorry. i know it seems that i’m looking for love, instead of letting it come to me. and maybe that’s not what you want. maybe you’ve always let love come to you, let whatever happen, happen with whoever you were with at that time. but i’ve never been like that. i’m a guy who goes to extremes. in the past, i just never placed myself in a relationship. i didn’t think i could handle. in any aspect. i wasn’t looking for love, or anything else. i kept myself in my studies, working on my intellectual side. trying to learn everything i could. but because i was doing this, my social skills never developed. interaction with others, especially girls, became difficult. and so i began to look at movie romances as the, no, my concept of love. the idea of meeting someone who completely captures my heart and wanting to spend the rest of my life with them. i began to long for this. so it was me at one extreme or the other. either totally alone, with no one to love or stuck in a fantasy, that maybe only exists in the movies. no in between. so if it seems i’m looking for love, it’s because i haven’t found a middle ground yet. but i’m still looking.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."Death Thoughts"
“i disagree with you. i don’t think you’re right. you said that eventually i won’t think about you all the time, like i do now. that time will cause our love to dwindle to the point where you won’t occupy my mind every single moment of the day. you won’t be in every single thought i have. but you’re right. i don’t think this will ever happen. your presence will always be on my mind, if only where i’m wondering what you would or say in a certain situation. the difference in our opinions comes in my idea that i won’t allow you to not be in my thoughts. and that the time won’t come when you won’t be on my mind. it will just be that i’ll be able to concentrate on other things while thinking about you. now, when thinking of you, i can’t function at my daily routine. i forget to do things and lose my train of thought easily. but i’m not mad at that. i kind of like the fact that i have someone that blows my mind. someone that makes it difficult for me to maintain my composure when they’re in my company. i like it that thinking about you fills me with a feeling i’ve never experienced before. a joy, a love that can’t be described. so why would i stop thinking about you if you make me feel this way? and that’s why i never will.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."Dazed And Confused"
“what’s with the phone call? and the questions? you have me dazed and confused. i mean, why are you unsure of my love for you? have i done anything to make you think i’ve changed my feelings towards you? did i say something that gave you the impression that you don’t mean as much to me as before? i don’t think i did. so what’s going on? is this even really about me? my feelings haven’t changed since the day that you said you’d be mine. the day i said i loved you is still the happiest day of my life. but for some reason, you begin to question my desire. “am i in love with you or do i love you?” i know there’s a difference, but do you even need to ask? you said before you could see something in my eyes that told you i was in love with you. is that something missing now? did it somehow vanish and fade in the past few days? i don’t understand this sudden doubt of my feelings. or my truthfulness. it really disappoints me that you would even entertain the notion that i wasn’t completely devoted to you. i thought we were above the games. i thought we were above the foolishness. things we both don’t need. my feelings are true. my desire is real. i love you. and i’m in love with you. don’t ever question that.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."Cry"
“and as my mother waved goodbye and walked away from the door, i fought hard to hide the tears that had begun to stream down my face. i couldn’t explain it, but suddenly i felt so alone, like i was being abandoned. because it seems i have no one in my world. period. no one looking out for me. no one being there for me. me with no one. i’m alone on an island. and standing in the threshold of the door, watching my mother drive away. immediately made me flash back to that day in kindergarten. it’s the only thing i remember about kindergarten. i guess it was that traumatic. my teacher decided to leave the class in the care of some sixth-graders while she went out for lunch. after i realized that she left, i began to cry. i felt she had abandoned me. but eventually she came back and i stopped crying. still, this memory pops into my mind whenever i feel like i’m by myself, whenever i feel this alone. which happens fairly frequently. because it seems i’m always isolated, with no one to talk to, no one to be with, no one to get close to. so i struggle with myself, trying to maintain some semblance of my sanity. desperate not to let these feelings of solitude hinder me. and maybe one day, my life won’t feel so forsaken and my heart won’t feel so empty. because one day i’ll have somebody. even if it’s just one person, i’ll have somebody. and my world won’t be so desolate. and i won’t have to cry like this anymore.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."Creep"
“and she was like, trying to fondle me through my clothes, pressing her voluptuous body against mine, pinning me to the wall. saying she had wanted me for a while for a while and now finally had an opportunity to be with me. or so she thought. because now she was married and i don’t do that. so i told her. i took both her arms and placed them behind her back. saying she’d had her chance before she’d gotten married and now her husband would have to satisfy her. that i wasn’t into creeping. that i wasn’t into affairs. that i didn’t want the headache. still, she stood in front of me, ready to submit herself to me. an empty vessel, waiting to be filled. desperate for attention, longing for affection, she sought me out for a love that i wasn’t willing to give. simply because i couldn’t. but watching her stand before me in this state caused me to reflect on my own experiences. and how, right then, even the single, unattached women in my life were just pissing me off. with their indecision and their bullshit. a broken promise here and an empty word there. how it was tearing me apart inside. how i was hiding a secret pain. and how there seemed to be no relief for this hurt. then suddenly, i felt sympathy for her and her situation. i had gained an understanding to her motives and the reasoning behind her actions. but even still, all i could do was send her back to her husband. yearning. wanting. while i stayed on the wall, thinking about my own problem.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."Broken Heart"
“if i were any other man, this probably wouldn’t even bother me. but i’m not, so it does. and if i was used to pain and heartache in relationships, maybe i could just take all this in stride. not let it affect me. and move on with my life. but i’m not, so i can’t. how does one get their heart seriously broken twice in the same week? let me tell you. on wednesday, i began to wonder why my girlfriend and i hadn’t been talking. so i called her and asked her what was going on. then she gave me this story of how she had been in relationships, one right after another, for a long time now and that she needed some time to be alone. i kind of thought it odd that she was saying this after we had been a couple for two months. you would think this was something she would have realized before we even started dating. but i guess she didn’t and now we were breaking up.
even before the time of our relationship though, i liked this other girl. no, she’s a woman. but there always seemed to be obstacles in our path. like the fact that she’s way older than me, she’s my sister best friend, and she was dating somebody else. oh, but most of all, because i never thought she would ever feelings for me. i knew she thought of me as a brother and nothing more. so a relationship seemed out of the question. but circumstances led me to gave her something i had written for her a long time ago. and she liked it, so i wrote her something else. even though, this new thought was just my catharsis on her situation with her boyfriend. and she appreciated the care i put into my writing. and she began to see me in a different light. the brother-type image she had of me was being replaced with a more sensual one. i like to think that the feelings she thought were only developing for me had just been dormant. anyway, she was still going with her boyfriend and having feelings for both of us began to confuse her. which caused me to be confused.
on saturday, i got my new ex-girlfriend to explain why she had broken up with me. the reasons she had given before just weren’t adding up. so she told me had really broken up with me because when we hooked up she had just ended a relationship with someone else. for me. but she realized she still had feelings for this other guy. and she had feelings for me. so she decided to just to be alone until she had sorted out her feelings and who she wanted to be with.
on tuesday, the other girl’s birthday, she, my sister, another of my sister’s friends and i went out to dinner to celebrate her birthday. we went in separate cars: my sister drove her other friend and i rode with the birthday girl. on the way home, she began her feelings on the situation we were in. how having invested six years in a relationship with someone would cause uncertainty about getting out of it. how the feelings developed that period of time couldn’t just be changed. and even though she had feelings for both of us, she didn’t think she was ready to leave her boyfriend yet. especially, with her being so confused and respective situations in bedlam.
so in the course of a week, love deserted me twice. lose a girlfriend. lose someone who could have been. i’m all alone with a broken heart.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
even before the time of our relationship though, i liked this other girl. no, she’s a woman. but there always seemed to be obstacles in our path. like the fact that she’s way older than me, she’s my sister best friend, and she was dating somebody else. oh, but most of all, because i never thought she would ever feelings for me. i knew she thought of me as a brother and nothing more. so a relationship seemed out of the question. but circumstances led me to gave her something i had written for her a long time ago. and she liked it, so i wrote her something else. even though, this new thought was just my catharsis on her situation with her boyfriend. and she appreciated the care i put into my writing. and she began to see me in a different light. the brother-type image she had of me was being replaced with a more sensual one. i like to think that the feelings she thought were only developing for me had just been dormant. anyway, she was still going with her boyfriend and having feelings for both of us began to confuse her. which caused me to be confused.
on saturday, i got my new ex-girlfriend to explain why she had broken up with me. the reasons she had given before just weren’t adding up. so she told me had really broken up with me because when we hooked up she had just ended a relationship with someone else. for me. but she realized she still had feelings for this other guy. and she had feelings for me. so she decided to just to be alone until she had sorted out her feelings and who she wanted to be with.
on tuesday, the other girl’s birthday, she, my sister, another of my sister’s friends and i went out to dinner to celebrate her birthday. we went in separate cars: my sister drove her other friend and i rode with the birthday girl. on the way home, she began her feelings on the situation we were in. how having invested six years in a relationship with someone would cause uncertainty about getting out of it. how the feelings developed that period of time couldn’t just be changed. and even though she had feelings for both of us, she didn’t think she was ready to leave her boyfriend yet. especially, with her being so confused and respective situations in bedlam.
so in the course of a week, love deserted me twice. lose a girlfriend. lose someone who could have been. i’m all alone with a broken heart.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."Bad Attitude"
“why are you mad at me? i didn’t even do anything wrong. i’m not talking to you. we’re not a couple. we’re just friends, right? but when i spend a couple of hours talking to somebody else, you want to get an attitude and blow a perfectly good friendship. because i didn’t make that time, time for us. but we’re only friends, right? and didn’t we spend the whole week together. i spent more time with you than i did with my own family. and just because i spent that time with someone else. i don’t even think you wanted to spend that time with me. time that you were spending with more of our friends. you just didn’t want me with another girl. jealous? you shouldn’t be. we don’t go together. i think you like me. i keep hearing things like that from our friends, but mostly, your friends. but you said not to believe them, it wasn’t true. so what’s with the attitude? if you can’t stand to see me talking to another girl, say something. but i know this isn’t going to happen. i know we both have problems expressing our feelings to others. but ask yourself this. is this worth ruining a great friendship? i don’t think so. but again i say, we’re not a couple. because you’ve never declared your feelings for me, so i pretend not to know. and i don’t have to explain what i was doing with this other girl. but because i don’t want to be confrontational, i’ll say i was just getting to know this girl a little better. just realizing how similar we are. shy and quiet. introverted and brooding. taking the time to get know someone who has the same social problems as me. so maybe she’ll begin to talk to others, maybe be included in our group. become familiar with the other young adults in the church. why? because someone once did the same thing for me. and that may the only reason i even talked to you. oh, and just in case you were wondering, it wasn’t you.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."Angst Of The Unemployed"
“i know they talk about me. i know they say things behind my back. stuff like, “that boy don’t even have a job, how is he going to take you anywhere? buy you dinner? i know you don’t pay for him when you’re out together.” i can hear them filling your mind with their thoughts. and i can understand their concerns, to a point. even i don’t want to continue like this, not doing things for lack of money and paying our own ways when we’re dining out. i would love to say, “get anything on the menu” and pull a wad of hundreds out of my pocket. but i’m not on that level yet. and we’re not on that level yet. so ask yourself this. has it been all that bad so far? i may not have had the money to afford to pay for both of us, but you’ve never missed getting a gift for a special occasion, an anniversary, an encounter. even though, i never have the money to just spend on you, i always do, regardless of the consequences. there were times when all the money i had was for food but i bought you something, just because you mean so much to me. so i didn’t eat that day. and migraines plagued me over the next three days. but the look on your face, that overwhelming look of surprise, made it all worth it. the thought that i could make you happy with a single impromptu act of thoughtfulness. that you weren’t used to. that you should be. because all of your exes should have been like that. like me. but they weren’t. and now they’re exes. and now i’m your man. so don’t listen to the detractors. don’t let them influence your feelings for me. because soon i’ll have money and we’ll do we what we want. and you can have all you desire. but now is the time for you to realize how i am. that if i got you things when i was broke and made you happy, then with money i’m going to be illegal. it’ll be a crime to be me. loving and thoughtful and paid.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."An Ideal Girl"
“i’m looking for a girl, no, a woman. maybe i should place a personal ad. it might look something like this. “wanted: extremely intelligent woman, who likes cultural experiences and appreciates beautiful things. whether it’s going to watch a baseball game downtown or going to toronto to see “the phantom of the opera”, must have multi-faceted interests. must be able to discuss various topics: from shakespeare to sports. race unimportant, doesn’t have to be supermodel beautiful, but brains and beauty are not only a dangerous combination but a big turn-on. must like athletic activities and be in shape. again, doesn’t have to a supermodel’s body as long as your body is taken care of. must want sbm who only wants to love you, raise family, live happily ever after together. no games.” i guess that pretty much sums it up.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."A Penny For My Thoughts"
“so you want to know what i’m thinking. i don’t think you do. at least not what i’m really thinking. you might want some sugar-coated version of the emotions i’m experiencing. some watered-down, tactful, don’t hurt anyone’s feelings version of how i feel. do you ever wonder why i’m so evasive in my answers to your questions about my feelings? because i can guarantee you don’t want the full force, i don’t care how you react to what i’m feeling, i’m throwing my stuff out there, like it or not. you don’t want to hear things that might hurt your feelings or destroy your self-esteem. now, after hearing all this, do you still want to know what i’m thinking? of course you don’t. because behind this quiet exterior, there lays a twisted soul, with evil intentions and deadly motives. and i know you’re not ready to enter the dark place that is my mind. a place so dark that no one had ever tried to venture before. you’re not ready to hear the thoughts i keep hidden from others, the secret pain that torments my life. so think about that the next time you want to know what i’m thinking. is it something that you would want to hear? something that you won’t find too disturbing? is it some kind of cry for help? some kind of warning? maybe it is. maybe it’s not. but know this. you’ll probably be getting nothing. no feelings. no thoughts. no emotions. nothing.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."A Life Less Ordinary"
“i want a girl who’s not into scandalous things. for example, a man and his pregnant girlfriend are about to deliver their first child together. nine months, ten months, thirteen months, whatever, no baby. people started getting suspicious. everyone seemed to have a different opinion on the situation. i mean, thirteen months, come on. but finally, it was time to deliver. wednesday. that wednesday. the man is ecstatic. he tells all his friends at work he is going to be a father again. they throw him an extravagant baby shower, with lots of gifts and money. his dream of having another child is about to be realized. but his pregnant girlfriend is hiding a secret. on wednesday, she made her way to the hospital with the man and his mother also there for the delivery. after a couple of hours, a doctor came out and told them that there was no baby. this news totally shocked them. i can only imagine the emotions they were feeling at that moment. it must have been crushing. an extreme high to an extreme low. i think becoming a father has to be the greatest feeling in the world, only to have it taken away in an instant. anyway, the man and his mother then become hysterical, cursing and throwing things around the hospital. i don’t blame them. and when the girlfriend came out of the room, she explained to the man and his mother that she was only in the hospital to have surgery, not to deliver a baby. she told the man that he knew she wasn’t going to have a baby. that she had miscarried several months earlier. and this left many questions about the whole situation. was the girlfriend lying or did the man actually know she wasn’t pregnant? i find it hard to believe that a man would actually pretend his girlfriend was pregnant, for any reason. and i knew things about this girl. i knew the man was already taking care of her five kids. paying the bills and buying their necessities while she stayed at home, collecting welfare. and i knew this wasn’t the first time she’d done this to someone. so i came to my own conclusion. but i won’t get into that.”
sometime in '99, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '99, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."7 Deadly Sins"
“wrath. gluttony. lust. greed. envy. pride. sloth. the seven deadly sins have a common bond, in that they all deal with the effects a woman can have on a man. and i don’t even have to use separate examples to explain each one. i’ll just make up a situation. a man works hard at his job but he doesn’t make big bucks. his woman sits at home all day, watching soap operas. she sees how the rich people live on television and longs for a better life, their lives. thus, the man comes home to a barrage of insults about his low paycheck and slightly balding head. this lowers the man’s self-esteem and he finds comfort in eating. the woman notices the man becoming overweight and begins to focus her attention on the rich neighbor next door. she starts to fantasize about having his money. she wants expensive things and will use him to get them. she flirts with him when they are alone. the neighbor notices her. he realizes he has other women but his ego compliments his player skills and he decides he can handle one more. he loves the fact that women love him. he asks the woman to his house. he gives her a diamond necklace and decides to thank him by giving him sex. but her man hasn’t been unaware of what was going on. he has followed her. and as his woman and the neighbor cuddle in the bed, anger fills the man and begins to fire bullet after bullet into both of them. and as the last breath escapes the woman, he rips the necklace off her bloody throat. he puts it in his pocket, drops the gun, and walks away. seven deadly sins because of a woman. the greatest sin of all.”
sometime in '99, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '99, i don't remember the exact date.
August 5, 2012
Re-Writes..."Wish"
“sometimes when i think back to the time i was a child and that old adage, “when you wish upon a star…” pops into my mind. because i long for a simpler time, without all the complexities of adulthood, the complications of being different, the fears of being alone. so i revert back to when i was an innocent kid and the naivety of being young. and i think to actually try wishing for something. the one thing i have to have. the one thing i think will make me happy. and even though other people believe things can bring them happiness, i don’t wish for expensive cars or fancy clothes, houses or money. i only seek one thing. thus, i stare at the night sky for hours, struggling with the idea that i don’t have what i want. and might not ever get what i desire. searching for hope, some assurance that i’m doing the right thing, that having these feelings isn’t detrimental to my own well-being. praying that maybe one day i can achieve my only goal for this life. crying because i don’t have it right now. since not having what i yearn for, not being content, makes my life a torturous experience. my heart longs for a soulmate, a partner. my heart longs for you. so your love is what i wish for. when i wish.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
Re-Writes..."Torture"
“what am i doing? why do i put myself through this? this emotional torture. this heartache. i don’t need this. and i really don’t want this, but i can’t seem to detach myself from it. it’s like we’re permanent partners in life. me and unrequited love. a love that you continue to spurn. a love that you don’t seem to want. so why do i keep trying to give it to you? why? because i can’t help but wonder what would happen if you decided to give your love to me. if i would finally be happy. if my life would finally seem complete. but maybe it wouldn’t. maybe i’d be better off without you. but right now, it seems i’ll never get the chance to find out. and my heartache grows with each passing day. and my emotional state has become a life sentence. with no possibility of parole. no, life is too short. it’s a death sentence. emotional problems that are killing my social well-being. emotional problems that only death can cure. because i love you and you don’t care. but still i torture myself with thoughts of you. of us. i must be a glutton for punishment, romantically speaking anyway.”
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
sometime in '00 or '01, i don't remember the exact date.
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